Monday, December 7, 2015

  • 12/07/2015

Tom Rhodes, Rick Overton and Brian Posehn put a new spin on "The Night Before Christmas," #InternetTheBeatles and deliver apocalyptic news reports.

>> Chris: RIPPED FROM TODAY'S

INTERNET HEADLINES, IT'S RAPIDREFRESH.

LAST NIGHT, WEATHERED DANNYGLOVER CHARACTER ONLY 58 WEEKS

FROM RETIREMENT, PRESIDENTOBAMA, ADDRESSED THE NATION

ABOUT TERRORISM, SAYING "WE WILLOVERCOME" THE THREAT.

SURE ENOUGH, TODAY HOMELANDSECURITY ANNOUNCED THEY'LL BE

DROPPING A NEW TERRORISM THREATALERT SYSTEM.

THIS IS LIKE "HOMELAND" ANDNOTHING EVER HAPPENS.

APPARENTLY PEOPLE DIDN'T PAYATTENTION TO THE PREVIOUS

COLOR- CODED SYSTEM, BECAUSE THEGENERAL PUBLIC NEVER FOUND SHINY

COLORS QUITE AS EXCITING ASPRESIDENT BUSH DID.

RUMOR HAS IT, THE NEW ALERTSYSTEM WILL JUST BE THE BUFFALO

WILD WINGS MENU.

IT'S RIGHT THERE.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> DESSERT HEAT IS WHAT THEY

WILL CALL THE NEXT WAR.

>> CALIENTE.

Chris: IT'S HARD TO GET THEPUBLIC'S FOCUS.

FOCUS, FOCUS. YOU'RE NOT EVENFOCUSING RIGHT NOW. FOCUS!

SO COMEDIANS, WHAT ELSE ARE THEYGOING TO DO TO MAKE SURE PEOPLE

PAY ATTENTION TO THE NEW TERRORLEVELS?

BRIAN.

>> ATTACH IT TO "STAR WARS."

Chris: POINTS.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]>> Chris: TOM RHODES.

>> THEY WILL BE E MAILED TOEVERYONE WITH THE SUBJECT LINE,

JENNIFER LAWRENCE NUDES.

>> Chris: POINTS.

RICK OVERTON.

>> NOWADAYS YOU JUST ADD ONEMORE COLOR, WHITE.

>> Chris: POINTS.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: YOU KNOW, I FEEL LIKE

THIS COUNTRY'S TERROR THREAT HASBEEN WHITE SINCE THE 1600s.

>> GET HIM!

[ APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: ALRIGHT SPEAKING OF

WHITE PEOPLE WE TAKE YOU NOW TOPORTLAND.

WHERE THE WAR ON CHRISTMAS HASBEEN LOST IN GENTRIFICATION.

I GIVE YOU HIPSTER SANTA.

I DON'T KNOW.

>> OH, MAN.

Chris: I THINK HIPSTER SANTAIS THE ONE ON LEFT?

WHO KNOWS ANYMORE.

THIS ORGANIC SANTA IS MUCH MOREENVIRONMENTALLY CONSCIOUS THAN

THAT CORPORATE ST. NICK WE'VEHAD FOR THE LAST HUNDRED YEARS,

WITH HIS GAS-GUZZLING SLEIGH ANDGIANT CARBON BOOTPRINT.

THIS SANTA RIDES A FIXIE BIKEINSTEAD OF ENSLAVING INNOCENT

REINDEER, AND HE'LL ONLY COMEDOWN YOUR CHIMNEY IF IT GIVES

CONSENT.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: THERE HE IS.

HERE IN HIS FINEST BIG LEBOWSKICOSPLAY.

I JUST WANT MY CARPET BACK.

SWEET MAN-BUN, KRINGLE.

OUR TRADITIONAL SANTA IS GONNANEED SOME UPDATING, SO

COMEDIANS, I'D LIKE YOU TO GIVEME A LINE FROM THE CLASSIC POEM

"THE NIGHT BEFORE HIPSTERCHRISTMAS."

TOM.

>> TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORECHRISTMAS NOT A CREATURE WAS

STIRRING EXCEPT FOR MY LIFEPARTNER KYLE.

WHO WAS STIRRING NUTMEG MORNINGSMOOTHIES FOR OUR MORNING

MEDITATION.

>> GOT TO GET SENSORS.

Chris: RICK OVERTON.

ON ETSY, ON PINTEREST, ONTINDER, ON GRINDR

>> ON FACEBOOK, ONFRIENDSTER,

ON RUSSIAN BRIDE FINDER.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: POINTS.

MR. POSEHN.

>> ON DONOR, ON BLITZEN.

HE'S A RESCUE.

>> Chris: AND NOW IT'S TIME FORTONIGHT'S #HASHTAGWARS.

YESTERDAY WAS THE 50thANNIVERSARY OF THE SEMINAL

BEATLES ALBUM "RUBBER SOUL,"THE BEATLES ONE OF THE MOST

INFLUENTIAL BANDS OF ALL TIME,IF NOT THE MOST INFLUENTIAL.

THE ALBUM WAS A DISC TO LISTENTO WITH A FINITE NUMBER OF SONGS

ON IT.

WHICH BROKE NEW GROUND BYFOCUSING ON THE ALBUM AS A WHOLE

RATHER THAN JUST A COLLECTION OFSONGS. WHICH IS WHY RADIO

STATIONS CELEBRATED THIS WEEKENDBY PLAYING IT THE WAY IT WAS

MEANT TO BE HEARD: TWO SONGS ATA TIME FOLLOWED BY FIVE LOUD CAR

COMMERCIALS.

LET'S UPDATE RUBBER SOUL FORA NEW GENERATION WITH TONIGHT'S

HASHTAG #INTERNETTHEBEATLES.

SOME RIDICULOUS EXAMPLES MIGHTBE

LUCY IN THE SKY WITH BITCOIN ORTHE BALLAD OF JOHN AND YOLO OR

HEY JUDE, YOU UP?

-- LET'S PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND BEGIN.

BRIAN.

>> DEAR PRUDENCE DID YOU GET MYDICK PIC?

>> Chris: POINTS.

TOM.

>> WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM MYTWITTER FOLLOWERS.

>> Chris: RICK OVERTON.

>> ALL YOU NEED TO DO IS CLICKON THE ADOBE UPDATE, AGREE TO

THE TERMS AND CONDITIONS ANDRESTART YOUR COMPUTER

DA DA DADA DA.

>> Chris: BRIAN POSEHN.

>> SERGEANT PEPPERS LONELYTINDER PROFILE.

>> HEY YOU'VE GOT TO HIDEYOUR SEARCH HISTORY AWAY.

Chris: POINTS.

>> CAN I HAZ YOUR HAND.

Chris: YOU SON OF A BITCH.

MY GOD.

POINTS.

RICK.

>> WE ALL LIVE IN A YELLOW SUBPROGRAM.

>> Chris: POINTS.

POSEHN.

>> #BLACKBIRDLIVESMATTER.

IT'S TIME TO PLAY DADDY LIKE.

DADDY LIKE.

YEAH, MOMS ARE RAD. BUT WITHTHEIR JACKED UP DOCKERS AND

SOCKS AND SANDALS I'VE ALWAYSTHE SEXIEST MEMBER OF THE FAMILY

TO BE DAD.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: MY MOUTH STARTED TO

SPIT OUT WORDS BEFORE MY BRAINCOULD COMPREHEND THEM.

NOW I'M RUINED.

THE ACCOUNT FASHION DADSCOLLECTS THE HOTTEST DADS ON THE

WEB IN ONE CONVENIENT LOCATION.

COMEDIANS, I'M GOING TO SHOW YOUA DAD ON FLEEK AND FOR 250

POINTS YOU'RE GOING TO

TELL ME WHAT HE SAID RIGHTBEFORE THE PICTURE WAS TAKEN.

FIRST UP, THIS STYLISH CYCLIST.

>> SAFETY FIRST, PUSSY LAST.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: BRIAN POSEHN.

>> THANK GOD THIS IS A GIRL'SBIKE OR MY OLD BALLS WOULD BE

SLAPPING AGAINST THAT BAR.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: POINTS.

IT'S WEIRDLY PERSONIFIED WHENYOU REFER TO THEM AS THE "OLD

BALLS."

>> BACK FAT TO THE FUTURE.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: HUNDRED EXTRA POINTS

TO RICK FOR THAT.

NEXT UP.

THIS SWOLE BRO.

HUH.

TOM.

>> HEY, KIDS, TAKE A PICTURE OFMY HEART ATTACK.

>> Chris: POSEHN.

>> JAMMING TO HEWY LEWIS,GETTING READY TO KICK THE [BEEP]

OUT OF YOUR MOM'S NEW BOYFRIEND.

>> Chris: POINTS.

NEXT UP.

THIS HOSER.

HUH.

BRIAN.

>> DOES THIS LOOK STURDY ENOUGHTO STRANGER THE MAILMAN?

NO REASON.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: POINTS.

RICK.

>> WELCOME TO CHET'S CATHER HUT.

Chris: IF YOU WANT A FAST ANDEASY CATHETER THE HUT IS THE

ONLY WAY TO GO.

>> HOW DO WE DO IT?

VOLUME.

>> Chris: NEXT UP THIS 60sHOLD OUT.

HUH.

>> RICK.

>> WAIT THAT'S ME.

Chris: AND IT IS.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]>> Chris: IT IS.

WHAT ELSE DID YOU DOTHAT DAY?

>> I PEED.

OH MAN DID I PEE, I PEED ANDPEED AND PEED.

>> Chris: FINALLY OUR NATION'SDAD BARACK OBAMA, TEARING UP!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]>> Chris: BRIAN.

>> I NEED TO GET ONE OF THOSEL BIKES SO MY OLD BALLS DON'T --

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> SEE WHAT I DID.

Chris: IT CAME BACK AROUND.

>> I BROUGHT IT BACK AROUND.

IT'S COMEDY.

>> Chris: I GET IT ROAD BACKAROUND LIKE A DUDE ON A GIRL

BIKE.

>> [BEEP] YA.

SLAPPING MY OLD BALLS.

>> Chris: RICK.

>> AHH, SAFETY FIRST.

PUSSY LAST.

>> Chris: HE BROUGHT IT AROUNDTOO.

HE BROUGHT IT AROUND TOO.

BRINGING IT AROUND.

BRINGING IT AROUND.

BEFORE THE BREAK I SHOWED YOU AWEATHER REPORTER THAT LOOKED

LIKE SHE WAS EXPERIENCING IRISHARMAGEDDON.

I ASKED YOU TO GIVE ME SOMEOTHER NEWS REPORTS WE'D HEAR

DURING THE END TIMES.

BRIAN POSEHN, LET'S START WITHYOU.

>> TONIGHT, KIP IN WEATHERTELLS US WHY IT'S RAINING BLOOD

FROM A LACERATED SKY.

[BEEP] SLAYER!

>> Chris: RICK.

>> WELL THE EARTH IS CAVING INTOHELL RIGHT HERE AT THE 101 WHERE

IT MEETS THE 405 THERE IS A SIGALERT.

YOU MAY WANT TO TAKE SURFACESTREETS.

>> Chris: ALRIGHT.

THOMAS RHODES.

>> DON'T WORRY FOLKS I HAVELIVED THROUGH THREE GLOBAL

APOCALYPSES.

THIS IS BRIAN WILLIAMS SAYINGGOOD NIGHT.

>> Chris: ALRIGHT.

ALRIGHT IT'S TIME FOR SOCK IT TOME.

LOOKING FOR A GIFT IDEA FOR THEUNABASHED DRUNK IN YOUR LIFE?

SHUT UP, GRANDMA.

WELL HOW ABOUT A CHRISTMASSTOCKING FILLED WITH BOOZE?

THERE IT IS.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] THE SANTA FLASK IS A BIG HIT

WITH EVERYONE EXCEPT FIREMARSHALS WHO GENERALLY

DISCOURAGE HOMEOWNERS FROMHANGING A PLASTIC BAG FULL OF

FLAMMABLE LIQUID OVER AN OPENFIRE.

IT'S NOT A GOOD IDEA.COMEDIANS GIVE ME OTHER TERRIBLE

IDEAS FOR THINGS TO PUT IN ACHRISTMAS STOCKING.

60 SECONDS.

>> A FERAL CHILD.

>> A TURSTOCKING WHICHIS A STOCKING PUT IN A STOCKING

STUFFED IN A STOCKING.

BRIAN POSEHN.

[BEEP].

POINTS.

TOM RHODES.

PHOTOS OF WHAT YOUR DADREALLY

DOES WHEN HE'S CAMPING WITH THEGUYS.

>> Chris: POINTS.

[LAUGHING]>> SECRET, HE'S BLOWING THE

GUYS.

Chris: BRIAN.

>> WET [BEEP]Chris: RICK OVERTON.

>> OLIVE GARDEN GIFTCERTIFICATES.