Wednesday, June 29, 2016

  • 06/29/2016

Jim Jefferies, Nikki Glaser and Brett Gelman make up anti-marijuana slogans, determine the source of an unsettling noise and #RuinShakespeare.

You know, we usually liketo start the show

with something funand high-energy

to make the audience go "Whoo!"

ALL:Whoo!

Not yet.

Today, I wanted to mix things upand talk about a serious issue

relating to November's election.

On the ballot this year,Californians will participate

in an historic vote to finallylegalize recreational marijuana.

(cheers and applause)

Why is it that people "whoo"at the word "marijuana,"

but if I just gave youmarijuana,

you'd be like, "Sweet."?

-(laughter) -They're finallymaking it easier

to get pot in Californiaby cutting out that arduous step

of going to a fake doctorin a strip mall

and lying about headaches.

There's clearly a lotof excitement about this.

In fact,Matthew McConaughey's been

sleeping outsidehis polling place right there.

-(laughter)-That's definitely him.

Now, comedians,I do not partake in the weed.

I'm a sober fellow,

but I don't hold itagainst you if you enjoy it.

Let's attempt to panderto the audience

in the opposite direction,all right? What we need is

a slogan that anti-marijuanalobbyists will use

in the upcoming election.Let's take the other side.

-Jim Jefferies, go.-Vote!

We dare you, because votingrequires you

to show up somewhereat an exact date.

HARDWICK:Yes! All right, perfect.

(cheers and applause)

Perfect.

Nikki Glaser.

Aren't the linesat Taco Bell long enough?

Yeah. Points.

-(applause and cheering)-I'll see you down there.

Brett Gellman.

Why have a joint in your pocket

when you can have a gunin your hand?

FEMALE VOICE: Audio quiz.

All right.

I absolutely defy youto identify this sound.

(man speaking indistinctlywith thick accent)

MAN: ...now all the pollsand everything.

And a lot of folks can't evenget from week to week.

HARDWICK:Okay.

(laughter)

I see Jim's alreadyhitting the buzzer.

-But the choices areA: A voice mail... -Oh.

...voice mail from Tara Reidbeing played underwater.

(laughter)

B: A Ben Franklin look-alikecelebrating Brexit,

C: Stephen Tylershouting for help

after being lockedin the trunk of a car.

Jim Jefferies.

Steven Tyler shouting for help

after being lockedin the trunk of a car.

HARDWICK: You think it is.Let's take a look.

(man speaking indistinctlywith thick accent)

Now all the pollsand everything.

And a lot of folks can't evenget from week to week.

-HARDWICK: That's right.-Ah.

The correct answerwas Tara Reid.

No. I'm kidding.

-(laughter, applause)-I'm kidding.

I didn't mean that.

This was a...this was an English voter

who we're told was in favorof leaving the EU, we think.

We're not 100% sure.

JEFFERIES:Okay, this is what I don't like.

I lived in Britain for along time. I'm from Australia.

-You don't understandroundabouts, either. -No.

Nothing in that photocan an American understand.

-HARDWICK: No. No.-(laughter)

I don't understand the circle!Where do I...?

Oh, no!

(laughter, applause)

I can do it this time!

I... Oh, no!

I'm American!

Oh, I'm American!

(laughter, applause)

I...

Youknow roundabout.

Yeah.

Out of all the pretty girlsin the audience,

-you fell in his lap every time.-I didn't... -(laughter

...want to be creepy to anybody.

JEFFERIES:It because you don't

understand roundabouts.

It's now time for tonight'sHashtag Wars.

(cheers and applause)

On this day in British history,the Globe Theatre in London

burned to the ground in 1613.

This is not to be confused,this week in British history,

where they voted to burnthe actual Globe to the ground.

That's something that happened.

The Globe was the famed theatre

where Shakespeare put onmany of his plays

and wrote many othersthat never saw the light of day,

like his much-anticipatedsequel,

2 Romeo, 2 Juliet, which is great.

So in honor of the greatWilliam Shakespeare's

beloved Globe burning down,

tonight's hashtag is "RuinShakespeare." Ruin Shakespeare.

Examples might be Polio and Juliet, or...

GELMAN:Oh, that was a good one.

Or Oh-Thell-No."

or MacBeth is Back: For a Limited Time. Uh...

I'm gonna put 60 secondson the clock, and begin.

-Nikki.-Shall I compare thee

to a Summer's Evefeminine deodorant spray?

-(laughter)-Yes, points.

-Jim. -Othello James Simpson.

-Points.-(laughter)

-Brett. -Measure for Measure of My Penis, Six Inches.

-All right, points.-(laughter)

-Jim. -Midsummer's Night Wet Dream.

-All right, points.-(laughter)

-Nikki. -Much Abdul About Paula.

(laughter)

-(applause, whooping)-Points.

-Brett. -As You Like it, It Being My Asshole.

-All right, points.-(laughter)

Thank you for clarifying. Brett.

Romeo and Jew-liet.

-All right, points. Points.-(laughter)

Nikki.

♪ Hamlet the dogs out! ♪

-Oh, Jesus Christ!-(laughter)