Monday, June 22, 2015

  • 06/22/2015

Sara Schaefer, Jason Sklar and Randy Sklar list #LameSuperGroups, audition for a Lifetime movie and pitch terrible events for minor league baseball fans.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'SINTERNET HEADLINES, IT'S

RAPID REFRESH.

(APPLAUSE)

>>MUSICIAN ANDCOLLARBONE MODEL TAYLOR

SWIFT WENT TO WAR WITH APPLEFOR NOT PAYING ARTISTS FOR MUSIC

STREAM DURING CUSTOMERS' FREETRIAL PERIOD. TAY-TAY TOLD THEM

THAT SHE WOULD NOTSTREAM HER ALBUM, "1989," UNLESS

APPLE STARTED PAYING ARTISTSFOR YOU KNOW THEIR WORK AND.

[BLEEP]. BUT GUESS WHAT? ITTOTALLY WORKED. THIS IS A QUOTE

FROM EDDY CUE. "APPLE MUSIC WILLPAY ARTISTS FOR STREAMING EVEN

DURING CUSTOMER'S FREE TRIALPERIOD. WE HEAR YOU TAYLOR SWIFT

AND INDIE ARTISTS.

LOVE APPLE." YES, INDIE ARTISTTAYLOR SWIFT.

>> SHE DO HER LAST ALBUM ON SUBPOP.

>> SOMETIMES ALL YOU NEED TODO TO MAKE A CHANGE IS HAVE ONE

OF THE MOST POWERFUL AND POPULARWOMAN ON EARTH THREATEN TO TAKE

YOUR BALLS AND GO HOME.

TAYLOR IS KNOWN FORIMMORTALLIZING HER ENEMIES

IN SONG.

WHAT ARE SOME SONG LYRICSFROM A SONG SHE MIGHT WRITE

ABOUT APPLE?

SARA.

>> I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU ♪♪ BUT I'M THINKING ABOUT A

ZUNE ♪

♪ WE ARE NEVER, EVER, EVER,EVER, EVER GOING TO BUY

APPLE CARE BECAUSE THAT'SA RIPOFF. THAT IS SOME (BLEEP).

>> ALL RIGHT.

MOVING ON.

NOTHING SAYS SUMMERTIME LIKEA DAY AT THE BALLPARK.

THE CRACK OF THE BAT, THENATIONAL ANTHEM, A DISEASED

RODENT FALLING INTO YOURNACHOS. THIS IS

EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED AT FRIDAYNIGHT'S GAME AGAINST THE

CARDINALS WHEN A SQUIRRELMANAGED TO CRAWL ALONG THE

PROTECTIVE NETTING AND THENLEAPED INTO THE CROWD.

WATCH THIS BUSINESS.

>> HERE YOU GO.

WHAT IS HE GOING TODO? HE'S VERY HIGH.

HE'S NOT GOING TO DOANYTHING CRAZY. WHAT THE [BLEEP]

ARE YOU DOING?

AND THEN EVERYONE STARTSTO--

>> OH GOD.

>> LIKE EVERYONE JUSTEMPTIES OUT RIGHT THERE.

PHILADELPHIANS HAVE NOTSHRIEKED IN HORROR LIKE

THAT SINCE FINDING OUT THE CRACKIN THE LIBERTY BELL WAS NOT

SMOKEABLE.

(APPLAUSE)>> I LOVE PHILLY

>> CHRIS: ME TOO, ME TOO.

DON'T WORRY, IT'S STILL[BLEEP]ABLE.

NOW THE SQUIRREL WASFOUND AND IMMEDIATELY USED

TO MAKE A CHEESESTEAK BUT>>CHEESE WIZ, PUT IT ON

THERE.

>> BUT PHILADELPHIA SPORTSFANS HAVE A REPUTATION FOR

BEING ONERY AND BLUNT,HONEST TO A FAULT, IF YOU

WILL.

THEY DID ONCE THROWBATTERIES AT A SANTA CLAUS.

IN THEIR DEFENSE IT WAS NOTTHE REAL SANTA CLAUS.

COMEDIANS, AS AN UNCOUTHPHILLY SPORTS FAN, BERATE

THIS SQUIRREL.SARA SCHAEFER.

>> HEY, SQUIRREL.

>>CHRIS: WHAT IS THAT?

>> WHAT IS THAT?

>> HOLD ON.

>> HEY SQUIRREL, I GOT ACOUPLE OF ACORNS YOU CAN

NIBBLE ON YOU FURRY JERKOFF.

>> AMAZING.

IT'S TIME FOR TONIGHT'S#HASHTAGWARS.

REJOICE THE SUMMER MUSICFESTIVAL SEASON IS UPON US.

GREAT NEWS FOR PEOPLE WHOLOVE PAYING $20 FOR A BOTTLE

OF WATER AND SEEING 15MINUTES OF YOUR FAVORITE

BAND FROM TWO MILES AWAY.

IN HONOR OF-- WHILE THROWINGUP FROM HEAT STROKE.

>> IN HONOR OF THESEMULTIBAND MUSICAL MEGASHOWS

TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS#LAMESUPERGROUPS.

>> YEAH.

>> EXAMPLES MIGHT BE IGGYPOP AZALEA.

OR MARIAH CAREY-O SPEEDWAGON.

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND BEGIN.

>> BARENAKED LADY GAGA.

>> POINTS.

SARA.

>> THREE THE DOORS DOWN.

>> THE RED HOT VANILLIPEPPERS.

>> POINTS.

>> RANDY.

>> RAGE AGAINST FLORENCEAND THE MACHINE.

>> SARA.

>> NICKI MINAJAMIROQUAI.>>CHRIS: POINTS. RANDY.

>> THE POINTER SISTERS OF ADOWN.

>>CHRIS: SARA.

>> LOU CREED.

>>CHRIS: OH, THAT'S SO GOOD.

RANDY.

>> ELTON JOHN COUGARMELLENCAMPER VAN BEETHOVEN.

>>CHRIS: AMAZING.

>> YOU STRUNG THREE TOGETHER,I WILL GIVE YOU DOUBLE

POINTS FOR THAT, RANDY.

>> JASON.

>> CHEAP TRICKI MINAJ.

>>CHRIS: POINTS. SARA.

>> CREAM KORN.

>>CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

IT'S TIME TO PLAY REALTYBITES.

>> LET'S GET ONE THINGSTRAIGHT, REAL ESTATE IS A

CUTTHROAT BUSINESS FINANCIAL. IFYOU WANT TO MAKE IT AS A TOP

AGENT YOU BETTER HAVE ASLICK HEAD SHOT. I KNOW. MY

MOM'S BEEN A REALTOR FOR30 YEARS. @NERDIST MOM,

BUY A HOUSE FROM HER, GODDAMNIT.

BUT WHO'S GONNA TAKE YOUSERIOUSLY IF YOU HAVEN'T BEEN

PHOTOGRAPHED HOLDING A GIANTCELL PHONE OR FROWNING INTO

THE DISTANCE? SO COMEDIANS, IWILL SHOW YOU A REAL ESTATE

AGENT HEADSHOT AND FOR 250POINTS I WANT YOU TO TELL ME

THE TAGLINE ON THEIR BUS STOP BENCH AD.

FIRST UP, THIS ONE.

WHAT IS THAT, THAT-- YOU GUYSKNOW PEACHY RUDBERG. YES, RANDY.

>> I'M NOT WEARING ANYSPANX.

>> POINTS.

>> AND FOR THE RECORD, HERBUSINESS CARD SAYS

"EVERYTHING I TOUCH TURNS TODIVORCE"

>> JASON.

>> FYI THE CARPET DOES NOTMATCH THE DRAPES.

BUT THEY ARE TASTEFULLYPAIRED.

>>CHRIS: POINTS.

>> WELL, I MEAN, I DON'TKNOW IF THERE IS A CARPET,

IT'S PROBABLY MORE PEACHYFUZZ.

>> YOU KNOW, THAT DESERVEDWAY MORE.

IT REALLY DID.

>> I HAD TO TURN AWAY.

>> NEXT ONE, THIS BEIGE-LYDUO.

HUH? BUNKLEY & MCBROOM.

>> SARA.

>> WE MATCHED OUR SHIRTS TOEACH OTHER'S FACES.

(APPLAUSE)>> CHRIS: NEXT ONE.

>> GRANDPA DOUBTFUL HERE.

>> I DIED 57 YEARS AGO.

>>CHRIS: POINTS.

I'M SORRY, I DIDN'T MAKEIT TO CENTURY 21.

JAY.

>> STILL LOOKING FOR MYWIFE'S KILLER.

>> NEXT ONE, THIS JUST--WOW,THIS ONE.

>> YES.

>> THROW ME THE IDOL.

I THROW YOU THE HOUSE.

THROW ME THE IDOL.

I THROW YOU A HOUSE.

>>CHRIS: AND HOW AMAZING WOULDIT BE IF HE SOLD REAL ESTATE IN

INDIANA.

>> LAST ONE.

>> THIS OBVIOUSLY DECEASEDWOMAN.

NO, SHE'S GONE, LET HERGO.

RANDY.

>> WE SWITCHED SOULS AND NOWI CAN [BLEEP] WHEREVER I

WANT.

>> POINTS.

>> JAY.

>> ONE OF US IS A REAL BITCH,THE OTHER ONE GOT NEUTERED

ON TUESDAY.

>> STILL, YOU DON'T KNOW.

SARA.

>> I'LL "FETCH" YOU A HOUSE--GOD I'M LONELY.

>> POINTS.

BEFORE THE BREAK, I SHOWEDYOU KRISTEN WIIG AND WILL

FERRELL IN WHAT ENED UPBEING THE ABSOLUTELY

BRILLIANT "DEADLY ADOPTION."

I ASKED YOU TO AUDITION FORTHEIR NEXT SUPER-SAPPY

LIFETIME MOVIE.

LET'S SEE WHAT YOU CAME UPWITH.

LET'S START WITH YOU.

>> WHO TOLD DENISE WHATMARSHALL SAID I TOLD KAREN

ABOUT SAMUEL.

WHY CAN'T ANYONE KEEP ASECRET IN THIS GODDAMN

GOLF CLUB?

NOW IF YOU WILL EXCUSE ME,I HAVE TO BE ALONE NEAR A

WINDOW.

>> CHRIS: YES.

MASTERFUL.

JASON.

>> HOW YOU COULD DO THIS TOME, KATHARINE?

YOU SLEPT WITH MY TWINBROTHER,

A MAN WHO HAS ADULT-ONSETAUTISM,

A MAN WHO LOST HIS GENITALSIN A BIZARRE FIRECRACKER

INCIDENT UP ON THE CAPE,

A MAN WHO ONLY PLANNED ONBEING A MAN FOR ANOTHER YEAR.

(APPLAUSE)YOU MADE YOUR BED. NOW GET

READY TO BURN IN IT.

>> YES.

>> ALL RIGHT.

RANDY, YOU'RE UP.

>> HONEY, COME OVER HERE.

YOU'RE TO THE GOING TO THROWYOURSELF DOWN THESE STAIRS.

ALTHOUGH THAT'S WHAT I'MGOING TO TELL THE COPS.

>> ALRIGHT.

MINOR LEAGUE, MAJORLY OFFENSIVE.

>> MINOR LEAGUE BASEBALLTEAMS OFTEN HAVE COOKY

PROMOTIONS TO DRIVEATTENDANCE LIKE THESE--THESE

ARE ALL REAL, BY THE WAY,SPEED DATING NIGHT, GEORGE

CASTANZA NIGHT, LIPOSUCTIONGIVEAWAY NIGHT.

BUT THE ANGELS ROOKIE LEAGUEAFFILIATE ORRIN OWLS WHICH

SOUNDS LIKE THE NEW DEFENSEAGAINST THE DARK ARTS

TEACHER, RECENTLY FOUNDTHEMSELVES IN A HOOT LOAD OF

TROUBLE WITH THEIR PROPOSED,GOD I WISH I WAS KIDDING,

CAUCASIAN HERITAGE NIGHT.

OH, NO.

EVEN THE GHOST OF TY COBBWAS LIKE, (BLEEP) THAT'S RACIST.

NOW THE OWLS, REACTING TOBACKLASH, TURNED THEIR HEADS 180

DEGREES AND CANCELLED THEPROMOTION.

SO COMEDIANS, I WOULD LIKEYOU TO PITCH ME SOME OTHER

POORLY CONCEIVED MINORLEAGUE PROMOTIONS IN 60

SECONDS AND BEGIN.

>> SARA.

>> DUGGARS IN THEDUGOUT NIGHT.

>>CHRIS: POINTS.

YOU COULDN'T FIT THEM ALLIN THERE. RANDY.

>> UNREGISTERED SEX OFFENDERNIGHT.

>>CHRIS: POINTS.

>> COME SHAKE HANDS WITH THEROCK'S NIECE NIGHT.

>> POINTS.

>> M NIGHT--YOU WERE DEADTHE WHOLE TIME.

>> SO GOOD.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

>> UNVACCINATED CHILD NIGHT.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

>> NIGHT OF TOO MANY SCARS.

TOO MANY.

>>CHRIS: POINTS.

>> JAY.

>> ONE IN THE STINK NIGHT.

PART OF THEIR BACK DOORPROMOTION.

OPEN UP TO IT, ANDUNDERSTAND WHAT THEY DO.