Comedy Central Presents
Season 14

CC Presents: Rob Riggle

  • Season 14, Ep 5
  • 01/11/2010

Rob Riggle explains why he hates the elderly and why football stadium restrooms are hell on Earth.

I DON'T SEE TOO MANY, UH --

I DON'T SEE TOO MANY COTTONTOPSHERE TONIGHT.

THAT'S NICE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

UH, I DON'T CARE FOR THE OLD.

THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING.

UM...

SO THAT'S NICE.

UH, I DON'T MINDPUTTING IT OUT THERE.

I DO NOT CARE FOR THE OLD.

DON'T LIKE THEM.

UM, THEY'RE OUT TO DESTROY US.

THAT'S THE BOTTOM LINE.

THEY'RE REALLY OUTTO DESTROY US.

AND IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE IT,I'LL GIVE YOU AN EXAMPLE.

AND I'M SURE YOU ALL HEARDABOUT IT.

SEVERAL YEARS AGO, A --AN OLD MAN DOWN IN FLORIDA

DECIDED TO GET INTOHIS 7,000-POUND CADILLAC

AND, UH, GO TO THE MARKET.

AND THEN, OF COURSE,HE WENT THROUGH THE MARKET,

IN THE PROCESSRUNNING OVER 39 PEOPLE!

39 PEOPLE!

HERE'S MY QUESTION.

[ LAUGHTER ]

WHAT THE HELLWAS NUMBER 39 DOING?

[ LAUGHTER ]

IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE!

[ Muttering ] IT DOESN'T.IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE!

ALL RIGHT, SCREW IT.

WE'RE GONNA PLAY THIS ONE OUT.WE'RE GONNA PLAY THIS ONE OUT.

WE HAVE TO!

ALL RIGHT, I'LL BE 39.

I'LL BE 39.

WAY DOWN THERE,AT THE END OF THE MARKET,

HERE COMES THE CADILLAC.

[ IMITATING TIRES SCREECHING ]

[ IMITATING EXPLOSION ]

AAH!

OH, MY GOD, THERE'S A CADILLACIN THE MARKET!

AAH!

[ IMITATING DOG BARKING,EXPLOSIONS ]

AAH!

MOMMY, MOMMY!MY LEGS, MY LEGS! AAH!

OH, MY GOD,I'VE BEEN CUT IN HALF

BY THIS 7,000-POUND CADILLAC!

AAH!

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE.

THE ONLY POSSIBLE EXPLANATION,OF COURSE,

IS THAT NUMBER 39 WAS OLD!

[ LAUGHTER ]

UM...

HERE'S THE THING, THOUGH.

I DON'T GIVE HER A REASONNOT TO.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ SIGHS ]

GIVE YOU AN EXAMPLE.

THE OTHER DAY, I WAS ONTHE PHONE WITH MY BEST FRIEND

FOR 45 MINUTES.

FOR 45 MINUTES.

AND I GOT OFF THE PHONE,AND MY WIFE GOES

[Nasally voice] "WHO'S THAT?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ Normal voice ]BY THE WAY, SHE'S NOTGHETTO-RIDICULOUS, OKAY?

[ LAUGHTER ]

SHE'S ACTUALLY A VERY SMART,BEAUTIFUL WOMAN,

BUT -- WHATEVER --SHE'S NOT HERE.

SO, UH...

[ LAUGHTER ]

UH, SO, SHE GOES[Nasally voice] "WHO'S THAT?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHUCKLES ]

[ Normal voice ]AND I WAS LIKE, "THAT WAS JEFF."

SHE GOES[Nasally voice] "OH, MY GOD.

WELL, HOW'S KELLY?"

[ Normal voice ] HIS WIFE.

I GO, UH,"I-I DON'T KNOW."

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ Nasally voice ]"WELL, HOW'S JACKSON?"

[ Normal voice ] THEIR SON.

"I-I DON'T KNOW."

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ Nasally voice ] "WELL,IS HIS MOTHER STILL SICK?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ Normal voice ]AND I GO, "HIS MOTHER'S SICK?"

SHE GOES [Nasally voice] "ROB!

"WHAT THE HELL DIDYOU TALK ABOUT FOR 45MINUTES ON THE PHONE?!

JESUS CHRIST!"

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

I WAS ON THE PHONE WITH MY BESTFRIEND IN THE WHOLE WORLD,

A MAN I CARE VERY MUCH ABOUT.

I LOVE HIM.

AND I TALKED TO HIMFOR 45 MINUTES,

AND IT NEVER ONCE OCCURRED TO ME

TO ASK HIM ABOUT HIS WIFE...

[ LAUGHTER ]

...HIS CHILD...

[ LAUGHTER ]

...HIS HOPES...

[ LAUGHTER ]

...DREAMS.

FOR 45 MINUTES, WE DESCRIBED,IN VIVID DETAIL,

HOW WE WOULD DEFILEEACH OTHER'S MOTHERS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THAT'S HOW WE ROLL, LADIES.

THAT'S HOW WE ROLL.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

LET ME SOAK YOU IN.

YES.

YES.

[ LAUGHTER ]

WE WOULD DO IT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

NO.

[ LAUGHTER ]

YES.

UGH!

[ LAUGHTER ]

HO HO HO!

[ IMITATES RETCHING ]

[ IMITATES FART ]

UGH!

[ LAUGHTER ]

ALL RIGHT, NEW YORK!

YES!

WELL, IT'S ALL GOING TO HELL.

UH...THE WHOLE WORLD.

ECONOMY, HEALTHCARE, WARS.

UGH!

I'M GLAD OBAMA'S IN THEREDOING HIS THING.

I AM GLAD HE IS OUR PRESIDENT.

UM...

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

ABSOLUTELY, ABSOLUTELY.

UH, I AM GLADHE IS OUR PRESIDENT.

UM, BUT NOW THAT HE ISOUR PRESIDENT,

I THINK IT'S TIMEWE, AS A NATION,

JUST TOOK A DEEP BREATH

AND COLLECTIVELYJUST SAID OUT LOUD,

"O.J. KILLED THOSE PEOPLE."

[ LAUGHTER ]

OH, MY GOD!

IT FEELS GOOD.

DO IT.

IT FEELS GOOD.

BILLION TO ONEHE DIDN'T DO IT, FOLKS.

OKAY, ALL RIGHT.

[ SIGHS ]

ANY FOOTBALL FANS?

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

AH, YEAH!

YES!

I'M WITH YOU.

FOOTBALL JUST MAKES MY BODYDO THIS!

I LOVE IT!

I LOVE FOOTBALL!

UH, ONE THING I DON'T LIKE --

I'LL ADMIT, ONE THING I DON'TCARE FOR ABOUT FOOTBALL

IS THE -- THE MEN'S ROOMSAT ANY STADIUM IN AMERICA.

THEY ARE THE WORST PLACEON EARTH.

AND -- AND I'VE ACTUALLY BEENIN A COUPLE WARS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

SO I'VE ACTUALLY --I'VE -- I'VE ACTUALLY BEEN TO

THE WORST PLACESEARTH HAS TO OFFER.

AND I'M HERE TO TELL YOU,THE WORST PLACE ON EARTH

IS THE MEN'S ROOMAT ANY STADIUM IN AMERICA.

AND I CAN SEE, LADIES --

I CAN SEE YOU GOING, "WHAT?WHAT'S HE TALKING ABOUT?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

SCREW IT.

I'M GONNA TAKE YOU THERE NOW.

GUYS, RELAX.

I CAN SEE YOU GUYS, TOO, GOING,"RIGGLE, DON'T DO IT, MAN!"

LET ME DO THIS.

LET ME DO THIS, GUYS.

LET ME DO IT.IT'S TIME THEY LEARNED.

IT'S BEEN FAR TOO LONG.

I'M GONNA TAKE YOU THROUGHTHE LOOKING GLASS NOW, LADIES,

INTO THE INNER SANCTUM.

THERE'S NO DOOR ONTHE MEN'S ROOM AT A STADIUM.

DON'T NEED IT.

THERE IS AN INVISIBLE --

A SEMI-INVISIBLE YELLOW STENCHTHAT BLOCKS THE DOOR.

AND IT'S THICK ENOUGH

THAT IT CAN ACTUALLY SLOW DOWNA BIG MAN LIKE MYSELF.

"I'M GONNA HIT THE -- I'M GONNAHIT THE BATHROOM, GUYS.

I'LL BE BACK IN A MINUTE."

AAAH!

AND AS YOU PENETRATETHE OUTER LAYER,

IT -- IT'S SO THICK,IT LAYS ON YOUR SKIN

LIKE A COBWEBFROM AN INDIANA JONES MOVIE.

IT'S THAT THICK.IT'S "AAAH!"

AND ONCE YOU MAKE THE COMMITMENTTO GO INTO THE RESTROOM,

YOU CAN'T STOP.

YOU'VE GOT TO GO ALL THE WAY.

AND AS YOU PENETRATETHAT OUTER LAYER -- AAAH! --

THE FIRST THING YOU SEEAS YOU GET IN THERE, LADIES,

TWO SIT-DOWN STALLS --

TWO SIT-DOWN STALLS --

FOR 10,000 MEN IN THIS SECTIONOF THE STADIUM.

AND BOTH DOORS ON THE STALLSARE GONE.

THEY'RE MISSING.

AND I-I PROMISE YOU,

ON THE FIRST DAY THAT STADIUMOPENED -- THE VERY FIRST DAY --

THE VERY FIRST MANTHAT HAD TO WAIT IN LINE,

"YOU'RE TAKINGTOO [BLEEP] LONG!"

AND HE RIPPED THE DOORFROM THE HINGES,

BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT WE DO,LADIES.

WE TEAR DOORS OFF OF STUFFFOR NO REASON.

AND THE DOORS ARE MISSING.YEAH.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

THE DOORS --

THE DOORS ARE MISSING.

THEY'RE GONE.THEY JUST VANISHED.

AND I CAN ONLY ASSUMETHEY WERE USED AS STRETCHERS

LATER IN THE DAYIN THAT HELLHOLE.

AND -- AND BOTH STALLSARE OVERFLOWING WITH FILTH.

AND IN ONE, THERE'S A DEAD BODY.

AND IN THE OTHER STALL, THERE'SAN ABANDONED CHILD CRYING.

AND SCREW THEM, NEVER STOP!KEEP GOING, PUSH FURTHER!

YOU'VE GOT TO MAKE ITINTO THE INNER-INNER SANCTUM.

AND AS YOU LEAVE THAT BEHIND,YOU COME AROUND THE CORNER,

AND THERE IT IS, LADIES --I KID YOU NOT --

A 50-FOOT-LONG PISS TROUGH.

[ LAUGHTER ]

A STEAMING PISS TROUGH,BECAUSE WE'RE CATTLE AND PIGS,

AND THAT'S ALL WE DESERVE.

AND -- AND ACROSS IT IS20 MEN ACROSS AND 20 MEN DEEP,

LIKE A HUGE ROMAN LEGION.

AND -- AND ONCE YOU JOINTHE LEGION,

YOU'RE IN THE LEGION FOR LIFE.

YOU CAN'T GET OUT.

ONCE YOU STEP IN, AND --AND EVERYBODY'S JUST [HUFFING]

MARCHING TO THE PISS TROUGH --MARCHING TO THE PISS TROUGH.

AND THERE'S ALWAYS SOME --THERE'S ALWAYS --

THERE'S ALWAYS THAT ONE JERK,DRUNK LUNATIC IN THERE

WHO'S GOING, "I'LL [BLEEP]KILL EVERYBODY IN HERE!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND WHENEVER I GET IN THE LINE,I ALWAYS TAKE THAT TIME TO PRAY.

I'M LIKE, "OH, MY GOD,JUST GET ME THROUGH THIS.

I LOVE MY WIFE SO MUCH."

AND THEN THERE'S ALWAYSTHAT WUSSY WHO'S LIKE,

"I CAN'T TAKE IT," AND THEN THEYGO, "TELL MY WIFE I LOVE HER!"

PBHT!

"SCREW HIM. HE'S WEAK!STEP OVER HIS BODY."

[ HUFFING ]

AND EVERYBODY'S BEEN DRINKINGBEER AND EATING BRATS.

AND WHAT DO YOU THINK'SGOING ON DOWN HERE?

IT'S A WITCH'S BREW OF DEATH!

[ IMITATES FART ]

THERE WAS JUST -- OH, NO!

AND I'VE -- I'VE GOTSO MUCH PEE, I CAN TASTE IT.

I REALLY CAN TASTE IT.

AND I'M HITTINGTHE PANIC BUTTON.

I'M LIKE, "OH, MY GOD,JUST GET ME TO THE PISS TROUGH!"

AND YOU FINALLY GETTO THE PISS TROUGH,

AND NOW EVERYBODY WANTS TO TALK.

NOW, EVERYBODY'S LIKE, "HEY,TONY, YOU GONNA GET THE THING?"

"WHAT ABOUT YOU?"

AND THE GUY BEHIND YOU IS LIKE,

"COME ON, MAN, TAKE THE PISS!TAKE THE PISS!"

AND, YOU KNOW,I'M LIKE ICEMAN IN "TOP GUN."

I'M LIKE,"I GOT NO SHOT. I'M OUT!"

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

I RECENTLY FLEW FROM LaGUARDIATO VEGAS,

AND I WAS HUNG OVER.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ Chuckling ] HUNG OVER.

STOP.BACK UP, RIGGLE.

HOLD ON.

YOU'RE GOING TO VEGAS,AND YOU'RE HUNG OVER?

THAT'S RIGHT.

THAT'S HOW I ROLL.

[ LAUGHTER ]

SO, IT'S A FLIGHT TO VEGAS,AND, YOU KNOW, IT'S AWESOME.

I GOT A WINDOW SEAT.

I FIGURE I'M GONNA GET ONTHE PLANE, I'LL RACK OUT.

IT'S A 5-HOUR FLIGHT.

WE'LL LAND, I'LL HIT THE STRIP,AND LIGHT THE FUSE AGAIN!

[ LAUGHTER ]

'CAUSE THAT'S HOW I DO.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WASTHINKING, THOUGH, OF COURSE.

THIS IS A FLIGHT FROM LaGUARDIATO VEGAS.

IT SHOULD JUST BE CALLEDRIFFRAFF AIRLINES.

[ LAUGHTER ]

LONG ISLAND RIFFRAFF ISA SPECIAL BRAND OF RIFFRAFF...

[ LAUGHTER ]

...UNLIKE ANY OTHER RIFFRAFFIN AMERICA.

PENICILLIN CAN'T TOUCHLONG ISLAND RIFFRAFF.

AND I-I HEARD THEMBEFORE I SAW THEM.

DOES THAT TELL YOUWHAT I'M DEALING WITH?

I HEARD THEM BEFORE I SAW THEM.

I'M IN MY SEAT.

ON THE JETWAY, I HEAR THE -- THEUNMISTAKABLE, INCOHERENT BLATHER

THAT IS LONG ISLAND-SPEAK.

AS ABOUT EIGHT OF THEMCAME DOWN, THEY'RE LIKE

[Long Island accent] "HEY, YEAH,WITH THE BOTTLE AND THE THING!

YEAH, YEAH!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

NOW, TO YOU AND I,

THAT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING.

BUT TO HIS BUDDIES,THEY WERE LIKE

[Long Island accent] "YEAH,WITH THE BOTTLE AND THE THING!

YEAH, YEAH!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

THEY WERE LOVING IT.

SO, I SEE THESE GUYS COMING,AND I'M LIKE, "OH, GOD, PLEASE.

"PLEASE, DON'T LET THEM SITBY ME, AND I'LL LAY OFF THE OLD.

DEAL?"AND GOD WAS LIKE, "NO DICE."

SO, SURE ENOUGH, THEY COME IN.

THREE SIT IN FRONT OF ME,

TWO SIT BESIDE ME,

AND THREE SIT BEHIND ME.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I AM IN A BOX OF STUPIDITY...

[ LAUGHTER ]

...THAT JUST CAN'T BE MEASURED.

AND -- BUT WHEN I SAW THEMCOMING, I WAS LIKE,

"I'M NOT DEALING WITH THIS,"

SO I INSTANTLY FAKEDLIKE I WAS ASLEEP

SO I WOULDN'T HAVE TO ENGAGE.

SO WE BACK OUT,AND WE'RE TAXIING AWAY,

AND THE PILOT COMES ON.

HE'S LIKE,"UH, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

"UH...LOOKS LIKE WE GOT A LITTLEBIT OF A PROBLEM OUT HERE.

"I COULD TAKE US BACKTO THE GATE,

"BUT I THINK, AT THATTIME, THEY'LL PROBABLYCANCEL THE FLIGHT,

"SO, UH, I THINK OUR BEST BET ISTO STAY OUT HERE ON THE TARMAC.

"MIGHT TAKE A COUPLE HOURS, BUTI THINK WE'LL GET OUT TONIGHT.

[ LAUGHS ]"

[ LAUGHTER ]

IT'S ONLY A MATTER OF TIMEBEFORE I WIN AN ACADEMY AWARD.

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

[ LAUGHS ]

YOU WERE -- YOU WERE RIGHTTO LAUGH THE FIRST TIME.

UM...BUT SINCETHAT'S AN INEVITABILITY,

I HAVE DECIDED TO GO AHEAD

AND, UH, DO A FIRST DRAFTON MY ACCEPTANCE SPEECH.

SO I WOULD LIKE TO DO THATFOR YOU NOW,

IF -- IF YOU'D LIKE TO HEAR IT.

I DON'T KNOW.DO YOU WANT TO HEAR IT?

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

OH, WOW!

OKAY, I KNOW I DON'T HAVE MUCHTIME, SO I'LL TRY, UH...

UH, FIRST, UH, UH, NO KIDDING.

[ LAUGHS ]

UH...WOW!

UH, YOU KNOW, LIKE, THE ACADEMY,

I THINK, OWES MELIKE SIX OF THESE.

BUT WHATEVER, WHATEVER, OKAY.

UH, FIRST, I DON'T KNOW,I JUST --

I GUESS I GOT TO THANK MYSELF.

UH...UH, YOU KNOW, I KNOWIT'S VERY POPULAR IN HOLLYWOOD

TO SAY THAT NO MAN IS AN ISLAND,BUT IT'S --

I THINK WE'VE PROVEN THEM WRONGTONIGHT!

[ LAUGHTER ]

I THINK WE DID.

OH, GOD.

OH, SO GOOD.

UH, TO THE -- TO THE OTHERACTORS IN MY CATEGORY,

SUCK IT.

REALLY, REALLY.

UH, IF YOU HAD ANY TALENTAT ALL, YOU'D BE UP HERE.

NOT ME! OH, GOD.

UH, UH, UH, OH, GOD, YEAH,UH, OH, HERE'S -- I JUST WANT --

A QUICK LIST OF PEOPLEWHO CAN SUCK MY BALLS.

UM...

UH, COACH HEPNER.

JERK.

UH, MR. KAMINSKI, MYSEVENTH-GRADE SCIENCE TEACHER.

WHO'S LAUGHING NOW?

[ LAUGHTER ]

SUCH AN ASS.

MR. -- MR. ROBBINS,MY JERK NEIGHBOR.

I'M GONNA BURN YOUR LAWN.

UH, UH, BECKY.

BECKY, WHEREVER YOU ARE,I HOPE YOU'RE IN PAIN.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THERE'S -- THERE'S SO MANY MORE.THERE'S SO MANY MORE.

BUT I'LL E-MAIL YOU GUYS.I WILL.

[ LAUGHTER ]

OH, MY GOD. [ SIGHS ]

WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU WINTHE MOST IMPORTANT AWARD EVER

IN THE HISTORY OF MANKIND?

I DON'T KNOW. UH, I GUESSIT'S -- FIRST THING, SEX.

UH, JUST A TON -- A TON OF SEX.

UH, WEIRD STUFF, TOO,NOT THE NORMAL SEX.

WEIRD, EDGY,REAL DANGEROUS SEX.

THAT'S FOR SURE.

UH, WHATEVER I WANT,I'M GONNA TAKE,

AND -- AND THEN THE REST,I'M JUST GONNA BREAK.

[ LAUGHTER ]

UH, OH, I GUESS THAT'S MY TIME.

UH, THANK YOU SO MUCH.THE WORLD IS MY TOILET.

THANK YOU! THANK YOU!

GOOD NIGHT!GOOD NIGHT!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

COMES UP,

AND SHE GOES, "UH, CAN I GET YOUSOMETHING TO DRINK?"

TO THE GUY SITTINGRIGHT NEXT TO ME.

AND THIS IS WHAT UNFOLDED.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND IT HAUNTS ME TO THIS DAY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

HE GOES [Long Island accent]"YEAH, YEAH, UH, GIVE ME A BEER.

"NO, WAIT.

"GIVE ME TWO BEERS.

I'M GONNA DOUBLE-DOWN."

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHUCKLES ]

AH.

"STEVIE?" "WHAT?"

"DID YOU HEAR WHAT I JUST SAID?""NO, WHAT'D YOU JUST SAY?"

"LADY WAS LIKE,'YOU WANT SOMETHING TO DRINK?'

"I SAID, 'YEAH, GIVE ME A BEER.'

"THEN, I SAID,NO, I DIDN'T WANT THAT BEER.

I SAID, 'GIVE ME TWO BEERS.I'M GONNA DOUBLE-DOWN!'"

[ LAUGHTER ]

"NO WAY!

"YOU FREAKIN' SAID THAT?!

"OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD!

GINA, GINA, GINA!""WHAT?"

"GUESS WHAT TOMMY DID!GUESS WHAT TOMMY DID!"

"WHAT?WHAT'D TOMMY DO?

WHAT'D HE DO NOW?WHAT'D HE DO NOW?"

"LADY WAS LIKE, 'DO YOU WANTSOMETHING TO DRINK?'

"HE SAID, 'GIVE ME TWO BEERS.'"

"NO, IT WASN'T LIKE THAT.I SAID, 'I'M GONNA HAVE A BEER.'

"THEN I SAIDI DIDN'T WANT THAT BEER.

"I SAID, 'GIVE ME TWO BEERS.I WANT TO DOUBLE-DOWN!'"

"SORRY, SORRY, SORRY, TOMMY.HE SAID, GIVE HIM A BEER.

"THEN HE SAID HE DIDN'T WANTTHAT BEER.

HE SAID, GET TWO BEERS.HE WAS GONNA DOUBLE-DOWN!"

[ Normal voice ] THIS GOTRECANTED FROM EVERY MORON

TO EVERY OTHER MORONON THE PLANE.

IT WOULDN'T STOP.

AND I-I WAS --EVERYBODY JUST HAD TO RECOUNT

THE MAGIC TALEOF THE DOUBLE-DOWN BEER.

I WAS -- I WAS LOSING MY MIND.

I COULDN'T BELIEVE THIS WASHAPPENING, AND I WAS PANICKING.

I WAS --I WAS LIKE [WHIMPERING]

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND LITERALLY EVERY FIBERIN MY BODY IS LIKE,

"JUST BE A MAN, BE A MAN,BE A MAN!"

I WAS LIKE --I WANTED TO SIT UP AND GO,

"NO MORE TALKING!YOU'RE ALL STUPID! SHUT UP!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT I COULDN'T DO IT,'CAUSE I'M A GIANT WUSS.

SO, HAND TO GOD, THIS IS WHATI DID, 'CAUSE I WAS PANICKING.

I STAYED ASLEEP.

AND I SCREAMEDAT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS

AND VIOLENTLY SMASHED MY HEADAGAINST THE WINDOW.

THIS IS WHAT IT LOOKED LIKE.

AAAAAH!

AND THEN I DIDN'T WAKE UP.I DIDN'T WAKE UP.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

[ LAUGHS ]

AND IT WORKED.

IT WORKED.

FOR LIKE FIVE BEAUTIFUL,GLORIOUS SECONDS,

THERE WAS SILENCE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ LAUGHS ]

SO -- SO, ABOUT --

YOU KNOW, WE FINALLY TAKE OFF.

WE'RE ABOUT LIKE THREE HOURSINTO THE FLIGHT.

WE'RE OVER NEBRASKAOR SOMETHING.

I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE.

AND I DO THE OLD, YOU KNOW,"IS IS SAFE?"

I'M LIKE...

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND IT WAS, BECAUSE THEY WEREALL PASSED OUT, DRUNK.

IMAGINE THAT.

SO, THEY'RE ALL PASSED OUT,

AND THEY GOT THEIR HANDSON THEIR JUNK.

AND THEY'RE SNORING LIKE"THE EXORCIST."

THEY'RE LIKE [GRUNTING LOUDLY]

ALL OF THEM! ALL OF THEM!

SO I'M LIKE,"I GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE."

SO I UNBUCKLE, AND I STEP UP.

AND I'M HUMPING THE SEATSIN FRONT OF ME...

TRYING NOT TO WAKE THEMAS I MOVE OUT TO THE AISLE.

AND I GOT ABOUT HALFWAY...

AND I SAID, "YOU KNOW WHAT?

SCREW THESE GUYS."

SO I GAVE THEM WHAT I LIKETO CALL A WENDY'S NUMBER 2...

RUM-AND-COKE SPECIAL.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND I JUST PAINTED THEM UP...

[ LAUGHTER ]

...WITH EVERYTHING I HAD.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I HELD NOTHING BACK.

BOTH BARRELS.

I LET THEM HAVE ALL OF IT --ALL OF IT.

I LEFT IT ALL ON THE FIELD,

TO THE POINT WHERE I WASACTUALLY A LITTLE LIGHT-HEADED.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND THEN I GOT TO THE AISLE...

AND I-I SHOOK WHAT WAS LEFTFROM MY DENIMS...

[ LAUGHTER ]

...AND I HEARD A GLORIOUS SOUND.

I HEARD TOMMY GOING

[GRUNTING, COUGHING]

YES, TOMMY!

SAVOR MY FLAVOR!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

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