Kurt Braunohler talks about his unmitigated hatred of biscotti, the airport security strategies he uses and the unfortunate way that he discovered masturbation.
Pretty good year.I've learned a lot this year.
I, uh, learneda valuable lesson recently,
I learnedthat I don't like biscotti.
And that's okay.
You know what?
(bleep) you, biscotti.
What? Do I want to chew on rocks
and nurse mouth woundsfor weeks?
No! No, I don't!
But people who like biscottiare like,
"Oh, you just got to soak itin coffee first."
You know, (bleep) your food
that requires meto give it a hot bath
before I eat it.
(bleep) you, biscotti.
This year alsois gonna be the year
that I meet the manfrom Hewlett-Packard
who determines how many minutes
of weird noisestheir printers make
before printingone frigging page.
It's also the yearthat I get to go to a rodeo
and just walk around screaming,
"This is my first rodeo!"
All right. It's time forsome of my classic
M. Night Yo-mom-alan jokes.
Those are "yo mama" jokes
with very surprising endings.
Yo mama's so fat,
she's been dead this whole time.
Can't continue with that.It's too dumb.
All right. I...
I thought up that joke
when I was drunk.
Uh, and...it was at an open bar,
and I don't know how you guysdeal with open bars,
but I really go to town.
I really go to townat an open bar.
I, uh...(woman whoops)
Like, the only wayI can explain to you
how I operate at an open baris to tell you a story.
When I was a kid, uh,we were out of the house
for, like, eight hours.
And my cat knockeda five-pound bag
of powdered sugaronto the ground.
And then my ten-pound poodleproceeded to eat
all five poundsof powdered sugar.
And I can
only imagine his day
where, like,manna falls from the heavens.
He gets into it.
It goes down easy.It's powdered sugar!
But I'm sure, like,two pounds in,
he's like, "Ooh.
"I'm not feeling too good,I'm gonna...
have to take a break here."
But something in hislittle doggy mind was like...
"But when is thisgonna happen again?
"Let's get back in there!
Let's finish all five pounds."
He does, he's sick fortwo weeks, he vomits every day.
That's how I am at an open bar.
I don't like, ugh,I hate Yelpers.
go (bleep) yourselves.
I have never hated
a group of society so much
and then depended upontheir opinion every day.
But I did seeone good Yelp review,
it was for aStaples near my house.
Uh... and it just, uh, it wasonly one review for the place,
all caps, it just said,
"This is the beststationery store ever!"
And I was like,I love this woman.
Doesn't really knowwhat a Staples is.
Gonna review it anyway.
Like, I just want to bring hereverywhere with me;
she'd be fantastic.
Bring her to a Home Depot, like,
"Aah! This hammer storeis amazing!"
Bring her to anygrocery store, like,
"Oh, this jam shopis off the hook."
I obviously travel a lot,uh, because I'm a comedian.
And I don't likebeing in airports.
Like, they make me, uh,
they make me immediatelytense and anxious
for no reason.
Like, as soon as I getinto that security line.
Like, I knowwhat I packed in my bag.
And I'm immediately like,
"Oh, no. Uh, did I pack my gunthat shoots drugs?"
Like... that's not a thing.
I've invented it,and now I'm worried about it.
But I have figured out
the best way to gothrough security
is when you get to that thingthat spins around
and nobody knows what it does,
but somebody'slooking at you naked?
When you get to that thing,
instead of asking
for a pat-down, you just say,
"Oh, I'd likethe free body massage."
They're not gonna know
what you're talking about,but eventually
they'll lead you offfor a pat-down.
That man's first questionto you is gonna be
"Do you know how this works?"
And you just go...(laughs)
And then as you get pat down,
just moan just a little bit.
"Did you find anything?"
If all of us do that once,
that will disappear.
[laughter and applause]
I discovered masturbationat age 12.
And I say "discover" becausenobody taught me how to do it.
Thank God becausethat'd be really creepy.
And I still feel like a geniusfor figuring it out.
'Cause I rememberat 12 being, like...
I don't knowhow it was for girls,
but for boys, like,your dick was very present.
Like, it was always kind of,like, banging around down there.
And I remember at 12 being like,
"I feel like
"you do something else.
"Like, I don't knowexactly what it is.
But I feel like you're notliving up to your potential."
And the wayI discovered masturbation,
I was 12 years old,
I was taking a shitand eating an apple pie
from a fast food restaurant.
True story. True story.
First off,classy move on my part.
After polishing offa burger and fries,
retiring to the commode
with just a-a deep-fried,
hot sleeve of pie.
Just a sleeve filledwith oil and sugar.
And at the time,I knew that sex was a thing,
but I didn't knowexactly what it was.
Because I just foundmy uncle's Playboys,
and I'd cut just the breastsout of every photograph
and taped them to my wall
underneath a poster that wasa photograph of myself
at age five that said,"Wanted dead or alive."
And I would chargechildren in the neighborhood
a quarter to stare at this seaof disembodied breasts,
realizing early on that breasts
without women are disturbing!
It was just like-like a pileof sunny-side-up eggs.
And... so I was sitting there,
12 years old, taking a shit,
I'm eating this pie.
And I get a boner.
Was it becauseof the transgressive act
of eating such a sweet treatwhile shitting?
Essentially making myself
like a reverse human straw?
Or was it simply
because I was 12?
And at 12, your boner is
the most annoying friendin the world.
Always coming over just, "Hey!
"Hey! What are we doing?!
"We having sex yet? No?
That's okay,I'm still sticking around!"