Wednesday, March 26, 2014

  • 03/26/2014

Michelle Buteau, Neal Brennan and Dan Levy list #SchlongSongs, name weird Japanese technology and battle for a Nic Cage pillowcase.

(APPLAUSE)

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH CRAIGSLIST,

AND THE REASON IS BECAUSE

YOU POSTED THIS AD

FOR THE WANGCASTER.

(LAUGHTER)

>> NO!

>> Chris: THE BEST WAY TO PLAY

A D-FLAT.

(SLIGHT LAUGHTER)

>> NO!

>> Chris: I KNOW, I KNOW.

THEY'RE NOT ALL GOLD.

YEP, THAT'S A DICK-SHAPED

GUITAR, GUYS.

THE BIGGEST DICK IN THE ROOM

IS NOW NO LONGER THE GUY

PLAYING "STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN"

IN THE GUITAR CENTER.

IN HONOR OF THIS BRAVE NEW

INVENTION, TONIGHT'S HASHTAG

IS #SCHLONGSONGS.

(LAUGHTER)

SOMETIMES I HAVE TO EXPLAIN

TO MY MOM WHAT IT IS I GET PAID

TO DO.

SO EXAMPLES OF #SCHLONGSONGS

WOULD BE "GLORY HOLE DAYS,"

"TAINT NOTHING LIKE THE REAL

THING," "HELL'S BALLS."

I'M GOING TO PUT 60 SECONDS

ON THE CLOCK, AND GO.

YES, NEAL.

>> PURPLE VEIN.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: OH!

BY PRINCE ALBERT.

POINTS.

MICHELLE.

>> (BLEEP) TO MY WINDOW.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS.

DAN.

>> MAMA SAID SUCK YOU OUT.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

NEAL BRENNAN.

>> THEME FROM SHAFT.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

MICHELLE.

>> CAN'T TOUCH PISS.

>> Chris: EW, POINTS.

NEAL.

>> TANGLED UP IN PUBES.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS.

>> SO GROSS.

>> Chris: DAN.

>> WRECKING BALLS IN MY MOUTH.

>> Chris: YOU COULD HAVE STOPPED

AT "WRECKING BALLS" BUT I WILL

GIVE YOU POINTS ANYWAY

FOR GOING THE EXTRA MILE.

MICHELLE.

>> STAR SPANGLED BONER.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: FOR THE NOD TO THE

(APPLAUSE)

JAPAN: HOME OF GODZILLA, SUSHI

AND EVERYTHING THAT I ADORE.

JAPAN HAS AN AMAZING ABILITY

TO MAKE EVERYTHING LOOK

(BLEEP)ABLE, LIKE...

(LAUGHTER)

>> HELLO KITTY, HOTTEST (BLEEP).

(LAUGHTER)

KARAOKE, ALL DAY EVERY DAY.

>> SUSHI.

>> Chris: I MEAN, SERIOUSLY.

>> JACKIE CHAN.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: NO, NEAL, SORRY.

HE'S NOT FROM THERE,

HE'S FROM A DIFFERENT...

>> THAT'S GOT NOTHING TO DO WITH

IT, I JUST WANTED TO SAY

"JACKIE CHAN."

>> Chris: YOU JUST WANTED TO

GIVE A SHOUT OUT.

I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU GUYS A

CLIP FROM A YOUTUBE VIDEO OF

SOME WONDERFULLY INSANE JAPANESE

TECHNOLOGY, AND YOU HAVE TO BUZZ

IN AND COME UP WITH THE AMERICAN

NAME FOR THE PRODUCT, ALL RIGHT?

FIRST ONE.

THIS STRANGE FACE BANK.

>> OH GOD.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

>> Chris: OH, JUST EAT THE

(BLEEP) QUARTER ALREADY.

(LAUGHTER)

YES, NEAL.

>> YOU KNOW, TO GET THE MONEY

OUT, YOU HAVE TO, LIKE, POUR

WINE COOLERS INTO THE MOUTH

AND YOU GOTTA GO IN

THROUGH THE BUTT.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: IS THERE A NAME FOR

THAT?

>> NO NAME.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

I WILL GIVE YOU POINTS FOR

THE DESCRIPTION ALONE.

>> THANK YOU.

>> Chris: NEXT, THIS HUMAN

VOICE TUBE THING.

>> I WANTED TO DO ONE FOR THAT.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, OKAY, STOP,

STOP THE VOICE TUBE!

>> STOP THE VOICE TUBE!

>> Chris: DAN LEVY WANTS US

TO TURN THE SHOW AROUND FOR HIM.

>> I HAD A THING!

>> Chris: SO WE'RE GOING TO GO

BACK TO THE MOUTH BANK, AND

WHATEVER DAN LEVY SAYS, BECAUSE

WE HAD TO GO BACK, BETTER BE

(BLEEP)ING AMAZING!

(LAUGHTER)

>> OKAY!

IT WILL BE.

AND THEY TOLD ME I COULD

TOTALLY DO THIS.

OKAY.

"FINALLY, A BANK YOU CAN

(BLEEP)."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, NEXT ONE.

THIS HUMAN VOICE TUBE THING.

(LOUD GROANING NOISE)

YES, MICHELLE.

>> MILEY CYRUS 20 YEARS FROM

NOW.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

SEE IT?

>> WHICH PART OF HER?

>> YEAH.

(LAUGHTER)

MAGIC OR CEREAL.

(APPLAUSE)

TUMBLR IS A VAST WONDERLAND.

TWO OF OUR FAVORITE TUMBLRS

ABOUT RAPPERS ARE "MAGICAL

RAPPERS," WHICH COMPILES TOTALLY

UNPHOTOSHOPPED PICTURES OF

RAPPERS POSING LIKE MAGICIANS,

AND "RAPPERS AND CEREAL," WHICH

EXPERTLY PHOTOSHOPS RAPPERS

REPPING BREAKFAST CEREALS.

COMEDIANS, I'LL SHOW YOU A

RAPPER'S FACE AND YOU TELL ME

IF THE RAPPER IS DOING MAGIC

OR ENJOYING A CEREAL.

LET US BEGIN.

LUDACRISS ANGEL OR LUDACRISP?

NEAL.

>> LUDACRIS...P

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, LET'S FIND

OUT.

LUDACRISP!

(APPLAUSE)

>> THAT'S AMAZING.

>> Chris: BY THE WAY, YOU CAN'T

SEE THIS AT THE BOTTOM BUT IT

SAYS, "I WANNA L-L-L-LICK YOU

FROM YOUR SPOON TO YOUR TOES."

(LAUGHTER)

NEXT ONE: SMITH ANGEL

OR FRESH TRIX OF BEL AIR?

MICHELLE.

>> FRESH TRIX.

>> Chris: LET'S FIND OUT.

I'M SORRY, MICHELLE, WILL SMITH

IS IN FACT A MAGICIAN.

JADA PINKETT SMITH, YOU DIDN'T

SEE THE LAST PICTURE, SHE

WASN'T THERE A SECOND AGO.

>> THE ILLUSION IS THEIR

MARRIAGE.

>> Chris: OKAY, COME ON.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

>> DAMN.

(APPLAUSE)

AN ITEM FOR SALE ON AMAZON FOR A

NIC CAGE PILLOW THAT SAYS

"SEE YOU IN MY DREAMS," WHICH

DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE, BECAUSE

IS THE PILLOW DREAMING ABOUT YOU

OR ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO SEE

HIM...

WHO IS DREAMING ABOUT WHO,

NIC CAGE?

ANSWER ME THAT.

I ASKED YOU GUYS TO WRITE A MORE

APPROPRIATE SAYING FOR THE

PILLOW, AND IN THIS CHALLENGE

YOU WILL NOT ONLY WIN POINTS,

YOU WILL ACTUALLY WIN THIS

PILLOW.

>> NO!

(APPLAUSE)

LET'S SEE WHAT YOU WROTE,

LET'S START WITH MICHELLE.

(APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: EVERY NIGHT.

>> KEEP YOUR ORIGINAL FACE.

>> Chris: DAN LEVY.

(APPLAUSE)

>> PRETTY GOOD.

>> Chris: #SEASONOFTHEWITCH.

NEAL BRENNAN.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

>> CAN'T COMPETE WITH BONERS.

>> Chris: I MEAN, I THINK I

GOTTA GIVE 1,000 POINTS TO NEAL,

500 EACH TO DAN AND MICHELLE.

I THINK NEAL BRENNAN,

"I SHALL NOW PRESENT YOU

WITH THE CAGE PILLOW!"

(APPLAUSE)

>> ALL RIGHT, GUYS,

"CONSCIOUS UNCOUPLING."

(APPLAUSE)

HOPE YOU GUYS ARE OKAY.

I KNOW A LOT OF YOU ARE STILL

REELING FROM THE ANNOUNCEMENT

THAT GWYNETH PALTROW SET LOOSE:

HER SEPARATION FROM COLDPLAY

FRONTMAN CHRIS MARTIN ON

goop.com, WHICH IS GWYNETH'S

BLOG/NEWSLETTER FOR ALL THINGS

GWYNETH.

DID I MENTION GWYNETH HAD

SOMETHING TO DO WITH IT?

GWYNETH HOWEVER DOES NOT WANT TO

REFER TO THEIR SEPARATION AS...

DID YOU GUYS REALLY UNDERSTAND

THE GRAVITY OF THAT?

SHE ANNOUNCED THEIR DIVORCE

ON HER NEWSLETTER.

(LAUGHTER)

SHE HOWEVER DOESN'T WANT TO

REFER TO THEIR SEPARATION

AS A DIVORCE.

INSTEAD, SHE'S CALLING IT

A CONSCIOUS UNCOUPLING.

WHICH IS BETTER THAN AN

UNCONSCIOUS COUPLING, I SUPPOSE.

(LAUGHTER)

ALSO VERY ILLEGAL.

COMEDIANS, I WOULD LIKE YOU GUYS

TO COME UP WITH BETTER TERMS

FOR DIVORCE THAN "CONSCIOUS

UNCOUPLING," AND MAYBE

GWYNETH WILL HEAR YOU.

60 SECONDS ON THE CLOCK, AND GO.

DAN LEVY.

>> HE CHEATED ON ME A BUNCH.

>> Chris: A BUNCH, POINTS.

NEAL BRENNAN.

>> TARGETED CHILDHOOD RUINER.

>> Chris: POINTS.

MICHELLE.

>> ALL COLDWORK AND NO COLDPLAY

MAKES CHRIS MARTIN A DIVORCEE.

>> Chris: POINTS, NICE!

THAT WAS BEAUTIFULLY DONE.

DAN LEVY.

>> IF BEING NAMED APPLE

WASN'T ALREADY (BLEEP)ING UP

YOUR CHILDHOOD.

>> Chris: EH...

I'LL GIVE YOU POINTS.

NEAL BRENNAN.

>> A BUYOUT.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS FOR SURE.

NEAL.

>> A COGNIZANT INTENTION

TO (BLEEP) OTHER PEOPLE.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

MICHELLE.

>> FAIL-TROW.

(LAUGHTER)

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