Tuesday, April 12, 2016

  • 04/12/2016

Arden Myrin, Lamorne Morris and Carrot Top list #VegasMovies, dial America's national hotline and come up with more evocative titles for classic books.

It's now timefor the HashtagWars.

(cheering, applause)

We have a bona fide Las Vegaslegend with us here tonight

in Los Angeles, the centerof the-- it's you.

-It's you!-We're in Los Angeles,

the center of the movie world,so these are two cities

where you most likely seea crying man in a shiny shirt,

and even more likely to find out

that that guy used to bein Motley Crue.

So we're gonna smash the...You should have seen the video

with Nick Cage--(bleep) amazing.

Uh, we're gonna smashthese two cities together

with tonight'shashtag #VegasMovies.

-Examples might be: Carrot Top Gun, -Ah.

or: Saving Private Lap Dance.

I'm gonna put 60 secondson the clock, and begin.

-Lamorne. -Gangs of New York, New York.

-Points. Carrot Top. -My Big Fat Hooker Wedding.

Points. Arden.

Tinker, Tailor, Stripper Died.

Points.

(laughing):Strip...

Arden.

Bat... Bat Mandalay Bay v Super Mandalay Bay. -Yes.

-Oh, very good. Yeah,I like that. -Thank you.

That doesn't hurt anyone.Lamorne.

One Million Ways to Die in a Best Western.

Points. Carrot Top.

Snow White and the Seven, uh, uh, and the Seven STD's.

-Yes. Points.-(laughter)

-Arden. -Honey, I Shrunk the Retirement Account.

-Yes. Points.-(laughter)

And I lost the kids.

And I lost the kids.I lost the kids.

HARDWICK: I lost them.I don't know where they are.

-Uh, Lamorne. -12 Years a Recovering Alcoholic.

Yes. Points.

-Carrot Top. -Whiskey Tango (bleep) I'm Out of Money.

Yes. Points. Perfect!

We learned that Swedennow has their own phone number

to finally get those confusingIkea instructions translated,

and I asked you to tell mewhat you might hear

if you calledThe America Number.

Let's dial it in. Carrot Top,let's start with you.

All right.

You've reached America.Before we get started,

I'd like to first apologizefor the senseless wars,

the Kardashians, the Republicanparty, the Democratic party

and, of course, Carrot Top.

I'm very sorry.I'm so sorry.

(applause)

MORRIS:Very funny.

Thank you.Why are you laughing at that?

Arden.

Thank you for calling America.

We can't come to the phoneright now

because we're morbidly obeseand the phone is way over there.

If you want to start a warpress one

or to talk to Emperor Trumpstay on the line.

-(applause)-All right.

Lamorne.

Hey. Hey, what's goin' on?You reached America.

I-It's Adam and Eve, not Adamand Steve, you summamabitch.

Because if God wanted itthat way, he wanted two dudes

to be doing all this kindof stuff, he would've

made 'em that way!But instead you got a hole here

and you got a thing therefor babies to come out of.

All right.

(beep)

Leave your message.

"Is this thing still recordin'?!What the (bleep)?"

One of our favorite onlinelocales is Better Book Titles,

the site where bookslike Oh, the Places You'll Go!

and Infinite Jest getmore fitting titles

like Last-Minute Graduation Gift and Too Long!

And since they're aboutto release their very own book,

Never Flirt with Puppy Killers: and Other Better Book Titles,

we wanted to get in on the fun.So I'm gonna show you

a classic book, and the firstperson to buzz in will have

to give me a better titlefor it. First up, Harry Potter.

Harry Potter. Arden.

Porn for Chris Hardwick.

Oh... So good.

(cheering and applause)

Mmm...

Yeah. Petrificus Totalus.

Uh, points for thataccurate representation of that.

Uh, next up, the Holy Bible.

Lamorne.

(bleep) God Says.

Points.

I liked that one.

Next, The Cat in the Hat.

Arden.

The Fish is a Buzzkill.

Ah. Points.

-Yeah, he (bleep) with everyone.-He (bleep) with everyone.

All right, next up, Eat, Pray, Love.

Eat, Pray, Love. Carrot Top.

Uh, Gwyneth Paltrow the Book.

Yes, points.

Very good, very good.

Next up, Dianetics. Lamorne.

Uh, Tyler Perry's I Can Do Crazy All By Myself.

All right, points.

Next up, The Giving Tree.

-Shel Silverstein. -The Feel-Good Book

that Makes Kids Feel like (bleep).

All right, points. Points.

Next up, finally, 50 Shades of Grey. Lamorne.

(bleep), Why are These Pages Stuck Together?

I mean,it could've been anything.

-Yeah.-It could've been anything.