Hampton Yount

  • Season 4, Ep 2
  • 08/22/2015

Hampton Yount explains why he thinks that the Olympics are racist, reveals how to deal with conspiracy theorists and describes why he can't wait to get divorced.

Depression is-is real, you know?

It's hard.

I-I was, uh,about two years ago,

I was 100 pounds heavier.

Uh, all bone.

Just massive surgeries.

No. (laughs)

Just fibrous tumorslike the Elephant Man.

No, I was fat.I was a big fat guy.

Uh, and I got that fat'cause I was eating,

like, two Big Macs,fries and Coke a day.

Like, I was just trying to writea suicide note with receipts.

Like, "They'll figure it out.They-they'll see what's wrong."

So now, like,it's been this kind of,

uh, little bit of a life change,

but then people now, my friends,they're like,

"Whoa, what's it like?

"Oh, my God,it must be so different.

Life must be so different now."

It's the same. It's the same.

If you've ever wondered,I'm here to tell you.

If you've ever wonderedwhat it'd be like

to, like, get really gluttonous

and, like, just go out ofcontrol, like, gain a lot...

Or if you're like, uh, you know,

you got a lot,and you want to lose a bunch.

If you've ever wondered,it's the same.

I'm here to tell you,having four chocolate sundaes

is as good as (bleep)a stranger.

Like, it's literally the samepart of your brain...

(imitates explosion)


And you're like, "No one canknow about this shit."


Depression's like a horror movie

in that you... you know,you're fat and you're sad,

and you're like,"Oh, I'm sad because I'm fat."

And then you lose the fat, andyou're like, "That wasn't it.

The calls are comingfrom inside the house."


Do women get diarrhea?


I've lived with womenmy whole life.

I still can't 100% say.

They won't just outward tell me.

I know women shit;I'm not an idiot.

Like, I have the Internet.

I know women shit.

They take huge wet shits

that destroy marriagesand end families.

They're... You're all gross.

You're all terrible people.

But I'm asking:Do you get the pain?

Like, the diarrhea,

just like me and this dudejust get once a week.

The normal dude amountof diarrhea.

Like, once a week, I'll makea crazy panic meal decision

at, like, midnight.

I'll have two Baconators.

Just, like, drop themdown my gullet like a pelican.

Like... (gulping)

"Mmm. Oh, delicious."

And then the next morning, like,I'm not trying to be graphic,

but I'm, like, crying.

Like, on the... on the toilet.

I'm like, "Why?! Why?!"

Shaky leg.

"Why?! Why, God?!

"Who do you want me to kill?!

"I will kill them for you,my Lord.

"They are dead.

I will smite them for you."

I don't know if women are havingthat (chuckles) level of pain.

Like, I've never oncein all my 30 years

ever heard a woman openly say,

"I blew out my assholelast night.

Just shitting blood."