CC Presents: Jeff Garcia

  • 05/04/2006

ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.

CALM DOWN, I MIGHT SUCK.

[LAUGHTER]

WHITE PEOPLE, IF YOU'RE HERE, DON'T LET MY NOSE FOOL YOU.

I'M MEXICAN NOT AFGHANISTAN. ALL RIGHT? RELAX, ALL RIGHT?

I'VE BEEN GETTIN' THAT A LOT LATELY. IT SUCKS DUDE.

WHEN I WAS A KID IT WAS COOL. I'D GO TO 7-ELEVEN

TRY TO BUY A BEER THE GUY WOULD BE LIKE,

[INDIAN ACCENT] "HOW OLD ARE YOU?"

- [INDIAN ACCENT] "TWENTY-TWO." - [LAUGHTER]

NOW I CAN'T GET ON A PLANE;IT SUCKS, MAN.

I'M IN SECURITY FOR SIX HOURS.

I'M NAKED LAYIN' ON THAT BELT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

9-11, THAT MESSED US UP, HUH? THEY WERE SMART 'CAUSE THEY

HIJACKED THE NICE AIRLINES. TRY TO HIJACK

THE GHETTO AIRLINES WHERE ALL THE LATIN'S AND BLACKS FLY.

THE ONES WITH NO ASSIGNED SEATING WHERE THEY OPEN THE DOOR,

"GO, GO!" YOU RUN IN AND SIT DOWN.

"I WAS HERE FIRST. GO ON. GO ON, ATRAS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU CAN'T HIJACK A BUNCH OF LATINOS.

"LA LA LA LA LA LA."

"HEY, THAT'S CUTE, HOLMES. BOX CUTTERS.

HE HAS A BOX CUTTER. HEY, LOOK WHAT I SNUCK ON."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

AFGHANISTAN, PICKING A FIGHT WITH AMERICA.

WHAT THE HELL, THEY CAN'T AFFORD CHEESE; THEY WANNA FIGHT AMERICA.

YOU CAN'T FIGHT AMERICA IF YOU CAN'T AFFORD CHEESE.

FIRST YOU GET CHEESE; THEN YOU GET CABLE;

- THEN YOU FIGHT AMERICA. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU CAN'T SKIP CHEESE AND CABLE.

DUDE, WE BLOW UP THEIR WHOLE COUNTRY IN LIKE A WEEK.

WHAT'D THEY DO TO US? ANTHRAX, OOH.

WE BLOW UP THEIR WHOLE COUNTRY AND THEY GIVE US THE FLU.

"OH [BLEEP]. THEY'RE USING UP ALL OUR SICK DAYS."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

HIJACKING, BLOWIN' UP [BLEEP].

[LAUGHTER]

HOW COME THEY DIDN'T BLOW UP TRW AND CLEAR MY CREDIT?

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

IT'S ALWAYS THE BUILDINGS WE NEED.

I GOTMESSED UP CREDIT, DUDE.TORE UP.

MY CREDIT SCORE'S LIKE A SEVEN.

DUDE, COLUMBIA HOUSE12 RECORDS FOR A PENNY.

- LIARS, HUH? - [LAUGHTER]

I CAN'T BUY A HOUSE'CAUSE THE "WU TANG" CDI BOUGHT 9 YEARS AGO.

I COULDN'T EVEN GET A CAR. I HAD TO GO TO THOSE PLACES

ON THE RADIO. YOU KNOW,IT'S METRO NISSAN!

"WE'LL GIVE$1,000 TO THE PERSONWITH THE WORST CREDIT."

I'M LIKE, "HELL YEAH, THAT'S ME, DUDE."

'CAUSE YOU CAN'T LOSE, EITHER YOU GET A CAR OR YOU CAN BUY X-BOX.

AND EVEN IF YOU CAN'T GO NOWHERE YOU'RE NOT BORED.

SO I WENT DOWN THERE AND THEY HAD THIS LONGHAIRED DUDE

THAT WORKED THERE, YOU KNOW, LIKE THE ROCKER GUYS THAT,

"HEY, YOU WANNA TEST DRIVE?"

"YEAH, I'LL MESS UP A CAR.LET'S GO, DUDE."

I'M IN A NISSAN-- GO OVER THE CURB THROUGH THE GRASS.

I DIDN'T CARE.IT'S NOT MY CAR, RIGHT?

HE'S ALL, "DUDE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

"IT'S A PATHFINDER.

I'M FINDING A PATH."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WE GET BACK. HE'S ALL, "DUDE, LET'S RUN YOUR CREDIT."

I'M LIKE, "OKAY. GO AHEAD. YOU ASKED FOR IT, HOLMES."

PUTS MY SOCIAL IN HE HITS PRINT: NE NE NE NE!

NE NE NE NE! NE NE NE NE!

NE NE NE NE!

NE NE NE NE!

NE NE NE NE! NE NE NE NE!

LIKE A HOUR-- NE NE NE NE!

"DUDE, 7-ELEVEN HAS CREDIT?" NE NE NE NE!

THE MACHINE GOT TIRED:NOHHHHH!

- NOHHH NOHHH! - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

- I GOT THE 1,000 BUCKS. - [LAUGHTER]

- DIDN'T GET THE CAR. - [LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

WHEN YOU DON'T HAVE GOOD CREDIT.JUST PUT IN ON GRANDMA'S NAME.

GRANDMA DON'T CARE. YOU GIVE HER A BAG OF WEED.

"I DON'T CARE. I DON'T NEED IT.I'M GONNA DIE ANYWAY. GO AHEAD."

I LOVE MY GRANDMA, DUDE. PICTURE AN OLD LADY, BUT ME.

THAT'S MY GRANDMA, DUDE.

SHE'S COOL, ALWAYS AT INDIAN CASINOS. SHE LIVES THERE, DUDE.

SHE HAS ONE OF THOSE PARKING SPOTS.

SHE DOESN'T EVEN DRIVE.HER OWN INDIAN NICKNAME,

"RIGHT THIS WAY, RUNNING-WITH-NICKELS."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

DUDE, SHE WAS MARRIED, FOR LIKE 60 YEARS,

AND SHE GOT A DIVORCE AFTER 60 YEARS.

I DON'T GET IT, 59? OKAY 60? I CAN'T TAKE IT NO MORE.

DOES THAT MAKE ANY SENSE?

[LAUGHTER]

SEE MY GRANDFATHER'S ONE OF THEM 5'2" MEXICANS, YOU KNOW,

ONE OF THEM SHORT-- "HEY, I'M THE MAN! YOU'RE THE WOMAN!

COOK ME SOMETHING! I'M THE MAN!"

WELL, SHE TAKES THE YELLING AND THE SCREAMING,

AND THEN IT BUILDS UP LIKE A FART.

AND SHE LIKE UNLEASHES ON HIM SOMEHOW.

LAST TIME SHE UNLEASHED, DUDE, SHE THREW A PLATE FROM LIKE,

HERE, LIKE SEVEN ROWS BACK. AND HIT HIM IN THE FAC-- OKAY,

YOU GUYS AREN'T GETTING IT.

THIS IS GRANDMA'S PLATE;IT'S NOT AN IKEA PLATE.

YOU KNOW HOW HEAVY IT--CIVIL WAR PLATES?

YOU EVER EAT AT GRANDMA'S HOUSE? LIKE, "HERE'S YOUR FOOD."

"[BLEEP]. SPOT ME." - [LAUGHTER]

YOU CAN'T BE 78 AND THROW A CIVIL WAR PLATE LIKE THAT.

SHE MUSTA DID LIKE A--

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND SHE CAUGHT HIM. [BLINK!]-- AH! BITCH! BITCH! BITCH!"

SO SHE CALLED THE POLICE ON HERSELF.

THAT'S WHAT OLD LADIES DO WHEN THEY DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

SO I PULLED UP TO HER HOUSE AND SHE'S ALL SITTIN' THERE

HANDCUFFED ON THE CURB LIKE A GANG MEMBER. THAT SUCKS, HUH?

SHE'S IN A MUUMUU AND ROLLERS. "GRANDMA, WHAT HAPPENED?"

"PORQ HE DIDN'T SHUT HIS MOUTH.

"AFTER HE WAS BLEEDING,HE WAS STILL TALKING

AND HIS BUBBLES, THE BLOOD BUBBLED."

I'M ALL, "GRANDMA, YOU'RE GOIN' TO JAIL, DUDE."

- "WE BETTER CALL MATLOCK." - [LAUGHTER]

"THAT'S A TV SHOW. HE'S FAKE."

"WELL, GET ME CIGARETTES.""WHAT THE HELL"--

"FOR TRADE IN THE PEN.

- PARA L PHONE CHECK." - [LAUGHTER]

COPS TOOK MY GRANDMA TO JAIL. THAT SUCKS, HUH?

COPS ARE COOL. ANY COPS HERE? NO?

[BLEEP] HATE COPS, DUDE. I SWEAR, MAN.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

WHITE PEOPLE, YOU LOVE THE COPS.

YOU'RE LIKE, "THEY'RE COMMUNITY SERVANTS; THEY'RE GREAT.

WHEN YOU'RE IN TROUBLE,YOU CALL 'EM."

'CAUSE THEY DON'T KICK YOUR ASS, THAT'S WHY.

WHITE PEOPLE DON'T EVEN CARE WHEN THEY'RE PULLED OVER, HUH?

YOU EVER BEEN WITH A WHITE PERSON WHEN THEY GET PULLED OVER?

LIKE, BLIP. "OH, DARN IT. ANOTHER WARNING."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THAT'S ANOTHER THING.ALL THEY GET IS "BLIP."JUST ONE, HUH?

BLIP. BLIP.WHAT DO WE GET?

AAAEEEEERRRRRR!AH AH AH AH AH!

[LAUGHTER]

"GET OUTTA THE CAR!" "I'M ON A BIKE. I'M ON A BIKE."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"HE'S ARGUIN', SARGE. CAN I SHOOT 'EM?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THEY TRIED TO GIVE ME A DUI MY CAR WASN'T EVEN STARTED.

AS I GET IN, BLIP! "WAIT, WAIT."

- BLIP! "WAIT."- [LAUGHTER]

BLIP! "WAIT."

VROOM. VROOOO. "NOW."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I GOT BAD LUCK WITH DUI'S, DUDE.

IF I GET ANOTHER DUI, I GOTTA TEACH THAT CLASS.

- IT SUCKS. - [LAUGHTER]

IT SUCKS, DUDE.YOU KNOW THEY CAUGHT ME BY MY HOUSE, DUDE.

I WAS A BLOCK FROM MY HOUSE. YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THAT SUCKS?

I COULD SEE MY HOU-- BLIP. "NO."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THEY PUT ME IN THE BACK OF THE CAR AND DROVE BY HOUSE.

DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THAT SUCKS?

I'M LIKE, "THAT'S MY HOUSE. THAT'S MY HOUSE."

YOU KNOW HOW CLOSE I WAS? I HIT THE GARAGE CLICKER.

- MY DOOR WAS GOING UP. - [LAUGHTER]

MY FRIEND GOT A DUI IN HIS DRIVEWAY, NO LIE, DUDE.

WE PULLED IN. BLIP. "WHAT THE HELL? I'M HOME."

THAT'S NOT FAIR, DUDE. THERE SHOULD BE A LAW.

REMEMBER WHEN YOU WERE A KID AND YOU TOUCHED THE TREE AND WENT, "SAFE"?

THAT SHOULD BE YOUR HOUSE. YOU SEE A COP CAR, "SAFE!"

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

COPS SHOULD SAY, "DAMN.""HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BUNCH OF UNFAIR LAWS. I'M RUNNING FOR GOVERNOR.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

SO IF YOU SEE ME ON A BALLOT, VOTE FOR ME.

- WHAT? CALIFORNIA.- YEAH!

SO IF YOU'RE OUT THERE, VOTE FOR ME.

IF ARNOLD COULD WIN, I COULD WIN.

I'M NOT GONNA GO DOBIG ISSUES-- ABORTION?I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT.

I HAVE A PENIS. I DON'T KNOW. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'?

THAT'S WOMEN'S-- I DON'T KNOW HOW IT FEELS, WHATEVER. OKAY?

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DO,PUT A DRUNK LANE ON THE FREEWAY,

A LANE FOR DRUNKS. PUT FOAM ON THE SIDE.

DUUT! DUUT!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

NO MORE BORDER PATROL. WELL, I'LL KEEP BORDER PATROL,

BUT THEY WON'T HAVE GUNS NO MORE.

THEY'LL JUST LIKE, YOU KNOW,YOU CAN'T GET SHOT AT THE BORDER

WHEN YOU'RE TRYIN' TO SNEAK OVER.

EVERY DAY WE'RE GONNA PLAY ONE BIG GAME OF RED ROVER.

RED ROVER, RED ROVER, SEND PEPE RIGHT OVER.

AND IF YOU BREAK THROUGH, YOU CAN STAY.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

LOOK AT THE WHITE PEOPLE,"NO. NO."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

BUT THEY DON'T SHUT THE HELL UP. CHECK IT OUT.

HUH. YE YE YE YE YE YE!"AH, SHUT UP!"

YOU HAVE ASS AND BOOBS;BUT YOU DON'T SHUT UP!

MY FRIEND'S MARRIED TO A WHITE CHICK.

THAT LOOKS FUN, DUDE. DUDE, SHE NEVER BUGS HIM.

WE CAME HOME, 3:30AM DRUNK OFF OUR ASSES, RIGHT?

WE WALK IN SHE'S LIKE "WHERE WERE YOU?

OH MY GOD, I CALLED YOUR PHONE. YOU DIDN'T ANSWER.

WHERE WERE YOU?" HE SAID, "WHAT THE HELL?!

I WAS AT WORK! I PAID FOR ALL THIS!"

- "OKAY. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

FINE, I'LL COOK THE CHORIZO."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

TRY THAT WITH A LATIN CHICK.CALL HER A BITCH.

YOU CAN'T CALL A LATIN CHICK A BITCH TO HER FACE.

YOU GOTTA BE LIKE, "BITCH," AND RUN, 'CAUSE THEY STOP.

I'D BE LIKE, "BITCH." "OH, RIGHT. NO."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

DUDE, FOLLOWING WEEKWE CAME HOME AT 4:00AM.

WE'RE DRUNK, DUDE. WALK IN HIS HOUSE. IT'S LIKE,

"OH MY GOD, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU KEEP DOING THIS.

OH MY GOD." "WHAT THE HELL, I'M WORKING! I PAY FOR THIS!"

AND THEY HAVE A 3-YEAR-OLD KID THAT CAME OUT, RIGHT?

IT'S LIKE,"AH, LOOK WHAT YOU DID.

"JACOB, GO TO SLEEP, OKAY? MOMMY AND DADDY ARE TALKING.

LOOK WHAT YOU DID." TRYIN' TO GET THE KID OUT OF THE ARGUMENT.

LATIN CHICKS BRINGTHE KID IN THE ARGUMENT.

"HEY, WAKE UP. WAKE UP. WAKE UP. LOOK AT YOUR DAD.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

"LOOK AT YOUR DAD.CALL HIM AN ASS-[BLEEP].

MIJO, GO GET MOMMY'S KNIFE."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

- I MARRIED A PUERTO RICAN. - [CHEERING]

SHE KEPT PRESSURING ME, DUDE. "LET'S GET MARRIED."

I SAID, "SLOW DOWN. WE JUST HAD A KID.

WAIT A COUPLE YEARS,WE'LL HAVE A RING BOY."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

- ANYBODY ELSE MARRIED HERE? - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

- IT SUCKS, HUH?- [LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW WHAT I MISS ABOUT BEING SINGLE?

GOING OUTSIDE. THAT'S FUN, DUDE.

WHEN SHE'S NOT HOME, I RUN OUTSIDE.

THEY SHOULD GIVE YOU A PAMPHLET BEFORE YOU GET MARRIED, HUH?

STUFF SHE CAN DO; WHAT SHE CAN SAY;

AND YOU DON'T MATTER,'CAUSE YOU HAVE TO STAY.

DUDE, EVEN THE PRIEST TRIES TO TALK YOU OUT OF IT, HUH?

"'TIL DEATH DO YOU PART?" "FOR RICHER OR FOR POORER?"

"ARE YOU SURE YOU WANNA DO THIS?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I HAD KIDS.ANYBODY ELSE HAVE KIDS?

[APPLAUSE]

- ANYBODY DON'T HAVE KIDS? - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

DAMN, THE NO-KIDS PEOPLEARE A LOT HAPPIER, HUH?

[LAUGHTER]

- I KNOW, DUDE. KIDS SUCK. - [LAUGHTER]

IT FEELS SO GOODMAKIN' 'EM. UGH!

- THEN WHAA!-- DAMMIT! - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I HAVE A 3-YEAR-OLD SON. I CAN'T HAVE SEX WITH MY CHICK.

THERE'S NO WAY, DUDE. EVERY TIME I TRY,

"[KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK] JUICE. JUICE."

- HE'S A [BLEEP]-BLOCKER. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I GOTTA HURRY AND DRAG HER IN THE BATHROOM.

"HURRY UP. HURRY UP. WE GOTTA HURRY UP. HURRY UP. HURRY UP. HURRY UP."

"[KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK]. PUT ON NEMO. PUT ON NEMO.

- PUT ON NEMO." - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WITHOUT NEMO, I WOULDN'T HAVE SEX.

BEFORE THAT LION KING.

I SEE THE CHARACTERS AND GET AN ERECTION.

- [LAUGHTER] - AHHHH.

MY FRIENDS THINK I'M A PERVERT.

"HOW COME WHEN YOU SEE THE DISNEY CHARACTERS,

YOU GET AN ERECTION?""'CAUSE THAT'S WHEN I HAVE SEX."

[LAUGHTER]

MY SON'S LIKE-- I DON'T KNOW, HE'S NOT TOO BRIGHT.

I LOVE HIM TO DEATH, BUT YOU GOTTA WONDER

WHAT SPERM YOUR KID WAS.

YOU EVER WATCH DISCOVERY CHANNELWHERE THEY SHOW

ALL THE SPERMS TAKIN' OFF?

THERE'S THAT ONE SPERMTHAT'S GOIN' LIKE THAT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

- THAT'S MY SON. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I HAVE A THEORY. I THINK ALL THE SPERMS

TOOK OFF AND THEY'RE LIKE, "COME ON. LET'S GO."

AND THEY WENTTHE WRONG WAY. HE'S ALL,

- "WHERE'RE YOU GUYS GOING?" - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HEY, IT'S NOT NICE. IT'S A THEORY.

DO YOU KNOW HIM?THEN SHUT UP.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

TO NIGHTCLUBS NO MORE. GIRLS ARE SO RUDE NOW, DUDE.

THEY DON'T SAY HI WHEN YOU SAY HI BACK.

LIKE YOU'RE LIKE, "HI." "HM HM."

WHAT THE HELL'S WITH THAT? YOU DON'T SAY ANYTHING?

THERE'S NO RULE THAT SAYS YOU SAY HI BACK,

YOU HAVE TO HAVE SEX WITH ME. "HI." "HI.

DAMMIT, HE GOT ME. HE GOT ME. I WASN'T PAYIN' ATTENTION."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

JUST BE NICE, DUDE. I DON'T GET IT, DUDE.

AND THERE'S LIKE TWO KINDS OF LIKE CLUB CHICKS.

LIKE THE THREE THAT ALWAYS COME WITH

THE HIGH HEELS, NO JACKET. IT'S ALL SNOWING OUTSIDE.

[HEELS CLICKING]

ONE ALWAYS FALLS. KIKH!-- "AH. GET UP SANDRA, GET UP."

"NO. PARTY WITHOUT ME.SAVE YOURSELVES."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THEN THEY HAVE THE DECOYS. THERE'S LIKE THREE BIG GIRLS WITH THE SKINNY GIRL.

THEY STAND OUT THERE. "GO ON."

- [HEELS CLICKING] - [LAUGHTER]

"HEY, WHAT'S YOUR NAME?""RHEE RHEE RHEE RHEE!"

- "DAMN. TACO TACO TACO." - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU GOT THEM ROADRUNNER CHICKS.

THAT'S WHAT MY COUSIN CALLS 'EM, ROADRUNNER CHICKS.

YOU BUY 'EM A DRINK. BEEP BEEP! "HEY! HEY!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I HAVE RETARDED FRIENDS. MY COUSIN HANGS OUT, TOO.

I HAVE RETARDED FRIENDS.LIKE THEY'RE OFF.

MY FRIEND, I THINK HE REALLY IS RETARDED, LIKE I THINK HE IS.

I HAVE TO SEE A SCALE.LIKE SAY 75'S RETARDED.

HE'S LIKE 78. HE TALKS LIKE THIS:

"HEY BRO, HOW'R YA DOIN', BRO? HEY, BRO, WHAT'S GO-ING ON?

WHAT'R YOU DOIN' LAT'R?" THAT'S THE WAY HE TALKS, I'M NOT EVEN LYING, DUDE.

AND HE SAYS WEIRD STUFF.

LIKE IN L.A., THE CLUBS CLOSE AT 2:00AM

AND HE'S A SECURITY GUARD. SO HE WORKS AT NIGHT.

SO I CALL HIM-- "HEY,LET'S GO CLUBBIN', DOG.

IT'S GONNA BE GREAT, BRO."

HE SAID, "YEAH, BRO,I CAN'T WAIT TO GO, BRO.YEAH. I GET OFF AT 2:00."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I HAD A BUNCH OF GHETTO FRIENDS,

'CAUSE LIKE, I WENT TO CONTINUATION SCHOOL.

DO YOU GUYS HAVE THOSE HERE? IF YOU DON'T KNOW, BASICALLY,

IF YOU MESS UP AT THE REAL SCHOOL,

THEY SEND YOU TO THE FAKE SCHOOL.

WHERE YOU CAN MAKE UP LIKE 3 YEARS IN LIKE, HALF AN HOUR.

[LAUGHTER]

SO ALL MY FRIENDSWERE LIKE REAL GHETTO.AND I WAS ALWAYS FUNNY.

SO I WAS ALWAYS REALLYSKINNY WHEN I WAS A KID;AND THEY WERE REAL BIG,

SO THEY TOOK CARE OF ME AT SCHOOL AND I TOLD JOKES.

SEE MY FRIENDS ARE ALL BIG. AND THEIR GIRLFRIENDS WERE KIND OF BIG, TOO.

SO I WAS TELLING JOKES ONE TIME, MY FRIEND, RUBEN'S GIRLFRIEND

VANESSA, SHE WAS LAUGHIN' HER ASS OFF-- "RHEE--"

DUDE, SHE'S NOT FAT.WHAT'S THE WORD I'M LOOKING FOR?

STOUT? BIG BONED? HUSKY.

THICK. THERE YOU GO.SHE WAS LAUGH-- "RHEE--"

LAUGHIN' HER ASS OFF, RIGHT? AND EVERY TIME SHE LAUGHED,

THE BUTTONS WOULD STRETCH OUT IN HER SHIRT.

SO WHEN THE LAST JOKEWAS LIKE, RHEE AND BAH,THE BUTTON POPPED OFF

AND IT HIT MY HOMEBOY IN THE HEAD, RIGHT?

BUT IT MADE A LOUD SNAP NOISE SOWE STARTED CALLIN' HER "SNAPS."

BUT SHE'S A BUFF CHICK, DUDE. SO I PULLED UP TO OUR HANG OUT

I'M LIKE,"HEY, WHAT'S UP, SNAPS?"

"YOU CALL ME THAT AGAIN, RHEE, I'M GONNA CHOKE YOU."

AND I DON'T WANNA MESS WITH HER 'CAUSE SHE'S BIG, DUDE.

MY LITTLE FRIEND JESSE--I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW

SHORT MEXICANS,BUT THEY THINK THEY CANTAKE THE WHOLE WORLD ON.

THEY GET IN A CLUB, "RIGHT NOW, EVERYBODY. RIGHT NOW."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SO HE COMES UP. HE GOES,"HEY, WHAT'S UP, SNAPS?"

"YOU CALL ME THAT AGAIN, RHEE, I'M GONNA CHOKE YOU."

HE'S LIKE, "SNAPS. SNAPS. SNAPS. SNAPS," RIGHT IN HER FACE.

GRABBED HIM BY THE THROAT. "SAY IT AGAIN, I DARE YOU."

"SN-APS."HE'S LIKE TURNING BLUE.

"SAY IT AGAIN. RHEE. I DARE YOU."

- "N-APS." - [LAUGHTER]

"ONE MORE TIME. RHEE, I DARE YOU."

[SILENCE]

- [SNAPPING FINGERS] - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

MY NAME IS JEFF GARCIA.THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY COMEDY CENTRAL.

Captioned By mCCaptioning Services www.mCCaption.com

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