Monday, October 13, 2014

  • 10/13/2014

Matt Braunger, Jo Koy and Jen Kirkman share their private Snapchat photos, #RuinADessert and guess which unfortunate cosplay characters appeared at New York Comic Con.

RIPPED FROM THE INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

(APPLAUSE)

>> YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY, IFYOU FEEL THE NEED TO DANCE,

THEN [BLEEP] DANCE.

THESE VIDEOS FROM A LOCALLAS VEGAS NEWS CHANNEL

APPEARED ON YOUTUBE OVER THEWEEKEND AND ALREADY HAS OVER A

MILLION VIEWS.

IT SHOWS THAT WHEN SOME PEOPLESEE THE SPOTLIGHT, THEY

SEIZE IT.

(LAUGHTER)

OKAY.

NOW THIS IS GREAT. THIS ISGREAT.

HE'S HAVING FUN, HE HAS SEENTHE CAMERA, EVERYTHING SEEMS

TO BE GOING FINE, RIGHT.

THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN--

(LAUGHTER)

SOMETHING COMPLETELY TOOKHIS HAPPY AWAY.

AND HE'S DOESN'T KNOW WHATIT WAS.

COMEDIANS WHAT IS CAUSINGHIM TO GO FULL STINK FACE

HERE, MATT BROUNGER.

>> EITHER SOMEBODY FARTED ORTHE GIRL NEXT TO HIM MUT

ERRED TOO FIERCE, YOU'REBEING TOO FIERCE.

>> Chris: POINTS.

JEN KIRKMAN.

>> SOMEONE JUST TOLD HIM THERE'SGOING TO BE A SEX AND THE CITY 3

MOVIE.

>> Chris: HE'S NOT HAPPY ABOUTIT. HE WAS NOT HAPPY.

POINTS.

HEY GUYS, REMEMBER WHENSNAPCHAT SAID THAT ALL THOSE

EMBARRASSING PICTURES OFYOURSELF DEEPTHROARTING THREE

HOT DOGS -- (CHOMPING NOISE)

WERE GOING TO DELETE THEMSELVESIN A FEW SECONDS?

UM, YEAH, ABOUT THAT. UM.

SO SNAPCHATS GOT HACKEDIN A THIRD PARTY APP AN OVER

200,000 PICTURE ITS OFPEOPLE DOING DUMB STUFF ARE

NOW IN THE HANDS OF THE SAME[BLEEP]HEADS THAT LEAKED

ALL THOSE CELEBRITY NUDEPHOTOS.

NOW, IT'S CALLED THE SNAPPENING.

WHICH IS ANOTHER IN A SERIESOF HUGE PRIVACY VIOLATIONS.

ONE MIGHT EVEN CALL IT ACRIMINAL ACT.

OR FELL ONYING.

SO COMEDIANS, I KNOW HOW YOUALL HAVE EXTRAORDINARILY BAD

JUDGEMENT SO EARLIER I ASKEDTO YOU DIG INTO YOUR HARD

DRIVES AND SEND ME ASNAPCHAT WOULD YOU NEVER

WANT ANYONE ELSE TO SEE,UNLESS YOU WERE MAYBE GOING

TO GET A HUNDRED POINTS FORIT.

SO LET'S START WITH MATTBROUNGER.

LET'S SEE WHAT MATT BRAUNGER WASTRYING TO KEEP SECRET.

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: NOW -- >> CUTE UNDERWARE.

>> CHRIS, CAN I SAY SOMETHING?I'M NOT MAD THAT HE'S

MASTURBATING INTO A SINK, I'MLIKE IS THAT LIME-COLORED

UNDERWEAR HE'S WEARING?

>> YEAH, MATT, LET'S --

>> I'VE MSASTURBATED INTO ASINK, BUT NEVER WITH LIME-

COLORED UNDERWEAR BEFORE.

>> WHEN ARE WE DOIGN THE ACTUALONE WHERE WE TAPE FOR TELEVISION

BYTHE WAY.

>> OH, MATT THIS IS ALREADYON.

>> NO.

>> Chris: YEAH, YEAH, IT'SALREADY --

>> OKAY, ALL RIGHT, FINE.

>> Chris: JO KOY LET'S SEEYOURS.

(LAUGHTER)

I MEAN-- COME ON.

(APPLAUSE)

>> I HAVE LOST 35 POUNDS.

>> Chris: I MEAN, POINTS,POINTS, JEN KIRKMAN.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

ALSO--

JEN KIRKMAN ALSO MASTURBATINGOVER A SINK.

>> I'M PRETTY PROUD OF THATPICTURE, ACTUALLY.

I HAVE NOTHING TO BE ASHAMEDOF.

I'M FELLATTING MY BOYFRIEND, ANDIT'S NORMAL.

>> Chris: JEN'S A NIGHT RIDER.

100 POINTS TO HER.

ITS NOW TIME FOR THE HASHTAGWARS.

(APPLAUSE)

TODAY'S TUESDAY. OR FOR THOSEOF YOU WHO REALLY WANT TO

BE TECHNICAL ABOUT IT IT'SNATIONAL DESSERT DAY.

I LOVE DESSERT UNTIL I CAMEACROSS THESE PICS OF BABY

SHOWER CAKE FAILS ONPINTEREST LIKE THIS CROWNING

ACHIEVEMENT.

WHOA.

> CHRIS, HOW MANY CAKE BABIESARE IN THERE? THAT'S -- SHE'S

HUGE.

>> I DON'T THINK MINE'SNORMAL.

I CAN'T FIGURE OUT-- WHATTHAT IS.

>> WHEN I WAS A KID I ALWAYSASKED MY MOM FOR THE SLICE

WITH THE MOST FROSTING.

>> THERE YOU GO.

>> IT'S THE BABY.

>> Chris: THIS ONE HAS MUCHBETTER DETAIL.

>> OH NO.

(LAUGHTER)

PUSH!

>> OH, THAT'S SOMEONE GIVINGBIRTH.

OH, THANK GOD.

>> Chris: SO-- IN HONOR OFTHE-- UNBLESSED EVENTS

TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS RUIN ADESSERT.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE BLUMPKINPIE.

OR OOKIE COOKIE OR TWO GIRLS,ONE CUPCAKE.

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND GO.

KIRKMAN.

>> BUM RAISIN ICE CREAM.

>> Chris: OKAY, POINTS.

BRAUNGER.

>> FROZEN BROS SKIRT.

>> Chris: POINTS. JEN KIRKMAN.

>> SPLINTER DOODLES.

>> Chris: YES POINTS. JO.

>> PEE LIME PIE, MY FAVORITE.

>> Chris: POINTS. BRAUNGER.

>> I'M SORRY.

STRAWBERRY ABORT CAKE.

(APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: THE SORT --

THE SORT-OF APOLOGY WAS THE BESTPART OF THAT.

I'M SORRY, ABORT CAKE.

>> IT WASN'T THAT BAD. >> Chris: JEN.

>> A PHLEGM BROULLE.

>> Chris: PLEGM BROULLE, YES,POINTS. JO KOY.

>> CRAPIOCA PUDDING.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS. JENKIRKMAN.

>> DAVID BANANAS FOSTERWALLACE.

>> Chris: YES POINTS.

IT IS TIME TO PLAY SURVIVALOF THE DICKISH.

SURVIVAL OF THE DICKISH.

NOW IF YOU LIKE TO WATCH ALOT OF NATURE SPECIALS IN

YOUR UNDERWEAR LIKE I DO,YOU WOULD KNOW THAT ANIMAL

KINGDOM IT IS A FIERCECOMPETITION TO STAY ALIVE SO,

NATURALLY SOME CREATURES AREAS SELFISH AS BRIDEZILLAS.

I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU A GIFFROM THE ANIMALS BEING

DICKS TUMBLR, YOU HAVE TO GIVEYOUR BEST NATURE DOCUMENTARY

STYLE COMMENTARY, ALL RIGHT?

FIRST UP, DON'T INVITE APENGUIT TO YOUR WEDDING BECAUSE

HE'S WEARING A TUXEDO.

>> IS THAT PEE OR POOP?>> I THINK IT'S PEE?

>> YEAH, I DO, TOO.

>> Chris: JO.

>> SCORCH THE PENG WISH LETSTHE OTHER PENGUIN KNOW THAT

THIS IS HIS BITCH.

>> Chris: POINTS.

PERSONALLY, I THINK THE PENGUINIS LIKE, BITCH YOU SHOULDN'T BE

WEARING WHITE, YOU GUYSTOTALLY [BLEEP] --

>> I ALSO KNOW WHY HE PEED.

BECAUSE HE IS A PENGUININ A [BLEEP] KITCHEN AND HE

DOESN'T KNOW WHAT'S GOINGON.

>> YEAH.>> YEAH.

>> Chris: NEXT ONE.

TAKE A GANDER AT THISHORNY HUSKEY.

OKAY.

WELL.

>> IT'S ALMOST LIKE THE DOGIS LIKE SPECIAL DELIVERY?

FOR ME?

(LAUGHTER)>> SCORE!

>> Chris: JEN.

>> IN SOME REMOTE PARTS OFTHE WORLD, THE SPECIES KNOWN

AS FAMILY DOG IF THERE IS AFATHER ABSENT WILL HAVE TO

SHOW A CHILD THE FACTS OF LIFE.

(APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: POINTS FOR JENKIRKMAN.

MATT.

>> THE DOG IS TEACHING THECHILD A VALUABLE LESSON

WHICH IS RUNNING OFF ANDGOING YEAH, YOU THOUGHT

WOULD YOU HAVE FUN ON THESLED, HUH, THEN YOU FELL

OFF.

THAT IS WHAT YOU GET.

LIFE [BLEEP] YOU IN THE ASS,KID!

>> Chris: POINTS.

NEXT ONE?

THIS DOG IS NOT HAVING AGOOD BIRTHDAY.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY --

AH.

(LAUGHTER)

I DON'T WANT IT.

I DON'T [BLEEP] WANT IT!

I SAID I DON'T WANT IT!

>> KIRKMAN.

>> DO YOU KNOW ME AT ALL?

I TOLD YOU SUGAR ANDGLUTEN-FREE!

IT'S TIME FOR OUR NEXT GAME,LOW-COST COSPLAY.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I HAD AN AMAZING TIME IN NEWYORK COMIC-CON THIS PAST

WEEKEND.

IT IS A GREAT CON AND THECOSPLAYERS WERE OUT IN FULL

FORCE.

CASE IN POINT THIS MARIO ANDFINN WHO STEAMED TO HAVE

LOST THEIR SHIRTS IN AHORRIBLE ACCIDENT.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.

AS YOU CAN SEE THE INTREPIDFAN DIDN'T HAVE A LOT OF

MONEY BUT WERE ABLE TOCONSTRUCT MEMORABLE COSTUMES

USING ONLY THEIR PLUCK INGENUITYAND SOME VERY SPECIFIC FETISHES.

I'M GONNA DESCRIBE MORECOSPLAYERS WHO MADE THE MOST

OF THEIR MODEST MEANS, AND FOR250 POINTS, YOU TELL ME WHICH

ONE IS REAL.

FIRST UP, ALSO FROM NEW YORKCOMIC CON, A HAIRY MALE MERMAID

WITH AN EXTRA LAYER OF BLUBBEROR SEXY FEMALE DUDE FROM BIG

LEBOWSKI. BRAUNGER.

>> PLEASE, SEXY FEMALEDUDE.

PLEASE.

>> Chris: OKAY, LET'S FIND OUT.

NO.

ARIEL, WHAT HAS THE LAND DONE TOYOU?

BY THE WAY, THANKS FORTHE BUZZFEED REPORTER WHO

REALED IN THAT FISH. THANKS TOBUZZFEED.

>> PLEASE, UNDER THE SEA.

>> Chris: NEXT ONE.

WONDER WOMAN WITH A VERY VISIBLECAMEL TOE OR --

DON'T ACT LIKE YOU WOULDN'T WANTTO SEE THAT.

DON'T-- MAKE ME TRUTH-LASSOYOU.

OR ROBIN THE BOY WONDER WITHA PARTIAL ERECTION.

JO KOY.

>> BECAUSE I'M A CREEP,WONDER WOMAN WITH A VISIBLE

CAMEL TOE.

>> Chris: OH MY GOD, I FELT SONERVOUS.

>> IT'S WIN-WIN EITHER WAY.

>> Chris: YOU THINK SO, RIGHT?

I THINK WE'RE ALL GOING TOGET A PARTIAL ERECTION NO

MATTER WHAT IT IS.

>> WE'RE ALL GOING TO BOYWONDER.

>> Chris: ERECTIONS IN THREE,TWO, ONE-- OH.

>> OH. NO.

>> IF THAT'S PARTIAL, GOODFOR HIM.

THAT IS A FULL BLOWNERECTION.

>> Chris: IF THAT IS PARTIAL,HE'S A VERY LUCKY MAN.

>> YEAH.

>> YOU THINK THAT IS GROSS,THAT'S HIS MOM.

>> Chris: WHY, MATT? WHY? MATT!

WAIT A MINUTE, NO, STOP IT,STOP IT.

(APPLAUSE)

>> YOU GUYS JUST--

LAST ONE.

LION-O FROM THUNDER CATS INHIS CUBICLE OR HE-MAN EATING

A BUCKET OF CHICKEN IN HIS CAR.

JO KOY.

>> HE-MAN EATING A BUCKET OFCHICKEN IN HIS CAR.

>> Chris: PLEASE BE THAT ONE.

>> WHAT!>> NO. -- HEY.

>> YEAH, THAT'S PROBABLYPARTIAL.

AS WE GO TO OUR NEXTGAME, PLEASE RT.

PLS RT.

SO THE WORST COLLECTION OFLETTERS IN THE TWITTERVERSE.

ANYONE WHO IS ANYONE ONTWITTER HAS BEEN BEGGED TO

RETWEET SOMETHING. HAPPYBIRTDAY, MISSING PUPPY, A

PARTICULARLY FLATTERING DICKPIC. THESE ARE ALL GOOD REASONS.

COMEDIANS, I WANT TO YOU BEG METO RETWEET THE WORST THINGS.

END EACH ONE WITH PLS RT. ALLRIGHT? OKAY.

60 SECONDS ON THE CLOCK AND GO.

KIRKMAN.

>> I THINK MY BOYFRIENDMIGHT BE DMing WITH A

STRIPPER, PLEASE RETWEET.

>> Chris: OKAY POINTS.

JO KOY.

>> HOW I DO GET READY OF ADEAD HOOKER'S BODY.

ASK ME FOR A FRIEND.

PLEASE RETWEET.

>> Chris: POINTS.

BRAUNGER.

>> HEY, HONEY. DID I LEAVEMY KEY NOTICE YOU LAST NIGHT.

CAN'T FIND.

PLEASE RT.

>> Chris: YOU'RE ASKING YOURWIFE.

>> YEAH.

>> Chris: WHY WOULD SHE RETWEET.

OKAY.

>> IF SHE DIDN'T SEE IT, MAYBESOMEONE RETWEETS IT THAT SHE

FOLLOWS.

>> Chris: POINTS. KIRKMAN.

>> I DON'T HAVE CANCER ORANYTHING, I JUST REALLY WANT A

FUR COAT. NEED SOME MONEY.

PLEASE RETWEET.

>> Chris: POINTS.

JO KOY.

>> THIS CONDOM IS WAY TOOSMALL. HASHTAG ASIAN PROBLEMS.

PLEASE RETWEET.

>> Chris: POINTS.

BRAUNGER.

>> ACCIDENTALLY BOILED MYGENITALS IN HOT SOUP,

QUESTION, PEEL SKIN OFF ORNO?

PLEASE RT.

>> Chris: POINTS. KIRKMAN.

>> I LOVE GOD IN THAT WAY.

PLEASE RETWEET.

>> Chris: POINTS. POINTS.