Extended - Thursday, August 13, 2015 - Uncensored

  • 08/13/2015

Janet Varney, Craig Rowin and Rich Fulcher learn science from Marco Rubio, marvel at #ModernWorldWonders and wince at Ted Nugent's habits in this uncensored, extended episode.

>> HARDWICK: SO IT'S THURSDAY,AND YOU KNOW WHAT THE MEANS

AROUND THESE PARTS HERE FORELECTION TIME-- IT'S PANDERDOME!

(WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)PA-PA-PANDERDOME...

PANDERDOME IS OUR...

(LAUGHTER)YOU SHUT UP.

PANDERDOME IS OUR WEEKLYEXAMINATION OF THE MANY WAYS

POLITICIANS ARE SHOWING THEIRASS ON SOCIAL MEDIA.

FIRST ONE. GROWN MAN WITH ABABY'S FIRST HAIRCUT, MARCO

RUBIO, IS...

(LAUGHTER)HIS HEAD WANTS A DIFFERENT

HAIRCUT!

>> I THINK THAT'S A PRETTY GOODHAIRCUT.

>> HARDWICK: SHUT...

YEAH, OF COURSE YOU WOULD.

IT'S NOT THE SAME.

(APPLAUSE)MARCO IS ONE OF THE 48, UH,

REPUBLICANS RUNNING FORPRESIDENT... AND IN AN ATTEMPT

TO OUT BATSHIT HIS RIVALS ONTWITTER THIS WEEK, HE WROTE

THIS.

(LAUGHTER)FIRST OF ALL, FUCKIN' BUMMER.

NOW, IF THE REST OF YOU ARECONFUSED, THE VIDEO HE LINKS TO

IS A CNN APPEARANCE WHERE MARCOPOLO SHIRT ATTEMPTS TO MAKE SOME

KIND OF PRO-LIFE, ANTI-WERECATARGUMENT?

WE WEREN'T 100% SURE.

BUT COMEDIANS, WHAT'S ANOTHERSCIENTIFIC FACT FROM THE RUBIO

CAMPAIGN?

AND, CRAIG ROWIN.

>> I BUZZED IN.

>> HARDWICK: YES, YOU DID.

>> E=MC HAMMER?

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

>> ♪ TOO LEGIT,TOO LEGIT TO QUIT. ♪

>> HARDWICK: YUP, THAT'S RIGHT.

>> I WILL BUY THE RIGHTS TO THATSONG SO THAT CAN AIR.

>> HARDWICK: I APPRECIATE THAT.

THANK YOU.

>> THAT'S-THAT'S PATRIOTISM.

>> HARDWICK: UH, JANET VARNEY,YOU WANT TO JUMP IN?

>> UH, YES.

UH, GRAVITY-SCHMAVITY, WE'RETETHERED TO THE EARTH BY ANGEL

HUGS.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

WE ARE.

RICH FULCHER.

>> IF GOD HAD REALLY INVENTEDPOT, HE WOULD HAVE LEGALIZED IT.

>> HARDWICK: WHAT?

POINTS.

>> YOU KNOW?

IT'S TRUE, ISN'T IT?

>> HARDWICK: MOVING DOWN THEPANDERDOME, FEMALE HIGHLANDER

AND AVID HOTMAIL USER HILLARYCLINTON'S HAVING A VERY TOUGH

WEEK-- DESPITE SEPTUAGENARIANSTATUS, BERNIE SANDERS IS

CATCHING UP TO HER IN THE POLLS.

HER PRIVATE E-MAIL SERVER WASTURNED OVER TO THE JUSTICE

DEPARTMENT, AND THEN JOE BIDENPISSED IN HER OFFICE PLANT

AGAIN.

IS IT ALL RIGHT IF I JUST LEAVETHIS HERE?

SO HOW IS SHE DEALING WITH THESECAMPAIGN SETBACKS?

WELL, WITH AN EXTREMELY FUN...

AND GOOD-TIME...

MAYBE CRINGE-WORTHY EMOJI GAME.

YAY!

KIDS LOVE EMOJIS.

ALSO, THAT'S OUR FUCKIN'TERRITORY, HILLARY!

HOW FUCKING DARE YOU?!

WE PUT EMOJIS IN THINGS.

HOW DARE YOU?

HILLARY'S INSTAGRAM ASKED THEPUBLIC TO DESCRIBE HOW THEIR

STUDENT LOAN DEBTS MAKES THEMFEEL IN THREE EMOJI OR LESS.

WHICH IS COOL, BECAUSE THIS ISTHE ONLY TIME...

IT'S THE ONLY TIME IT'S OKAY TOSEND, UH, PICTURES OF A GUN TO A

PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE, UH...

HILLS DIDN'T LIMIT HER PANDERINGTO THE MILLENIALS.

AFTER THAT, SHE WENT TO THEEVER-IMPORTANT VOTING BLOC OF

BUMPER STICKER ENTHUSIASTS.

UH...

I MEAN, THE EMOJI GAME ISCOOL, BUT WHAT ABOUT SOMETHING

FOR PEOPLE WHO DON'T OWNCOMPUTERS?

EVERYBODY'S GOT BUMPERS.

THEY'RE NATURE'S LAPTOPS.

CAMP HILLARY IS ASKINGSUPPORTERS TO PICK HER NEXT

OFFICIAL BUMPER STICKER, BUTCOMEDIANS, THE OPTIONS HERE ARE

KIND OF LAME.

AND I-I THINK WE CAN IMPROVE ONTHOSE.

"I'M WITH HER".

"TEAM H".

UH, OH, TECHNICALLY, I'M ATEAM H PERSON, 'CAUSE, UH, MY

LAST NAME'S HARDWICK.

SO THAT ONE'S OKAY.

UH...

WHAT WOULD BE A BETTER BUMPERSTICKER FOR HILLARY TO USE IN

HER CAMPAIGN?

JANET VARNEY.

>> I'M GONNA GO WITH SYMBOLISMAND JUST SAY ONE OF THOSE LITTLE

DARWIN FISH IN A SMART PANTSUIT.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

>> I GET HER.

HILLARY, I GET YOU.

I GET YOU.

>> HARDWICK: CRAIG ROWIN.

>> SLIPKNOT.

JUST A SLIPKNOT BUMPER STICKER,'CAUSE THEY... THEY FUCKING

RULE.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY, YEAH, POINTS.

POINTS, I'LL GIVE THAT TO YOU.

RICH FULCHER.

>> PICK ME-- THE WHITE HOUSE BEDALREADY HAS MY BUTT INDENTATION

IN IT.

>> HARDWICK: IT DOES.

>> IT'S... YOU DON'T HAVE TOCHANGE THE BED.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

ALL RIGHT, IT'S TIME FORTONIGHT'S #HASHTAGWARS.

THE SEVEN WONDERS OF THE WORLDUSED TO REPRESENT THE HEIGHT OF

HUMAN POSSIBILITY, BUT IN 2015WHO CARES ABOUT HANGING GARDENS

AND BIG-ASS STATUES?

NOWADAYS WE'RE IMPRESSED WHENWE... WE SEE A SEAL WHO MADE

FRIENDS WITH A DONKEY.

OR WE HEAR ABOUT... HEAR ABOUTSOMEONE WHO BINGE-WATCHED

RIZZOLI & ISLES.

UH, SO COMEDIANS, BECAUSE OURSTANDARDS FOR CULTURAL

ACHIEVEMENT HAVE CHANGED,TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS

#MODERNWORLDWONDERS, OKAY?

#MODERNWORLDWONDERS.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE, UH, THAT ONEGUY WHO'S STILL NOT ON FACEBOOK.

OR, UH, TRUMP'S CANDIDACY.

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK, AND BEGIN.

CRAIG ROWIN.

>> BILL COSBY'S LASTING MARRIAGETO CAMILLE.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

JANET.

>> SOMEONE WHO ADOPTED A PITBULL BUT DOESN'T WANT TO TALK

ABOUT IT.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

RICH FULCHER.

>> NICOLAS CAGE TURNING DOWN AROLE.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

JANET VARNEY.

>> AN @MIDNIGHT... OH, OH.

>> HARDWICK: HE REALLY NEEDS THEMONEY, OKAY?

HE'S GOT SOME TAX PROBLEMS.

I'M SORRY, JANET.

>> THAT PLANET HOLLYWOOD ISSTILL OPEN.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

THAT IS STRANGE.

UH, RICH FULCHER.

>> CHEETOS THAT DON'T LEAVECHEESE PRINTS.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

CRAIG ROWIN.

>> SYLVESTER STALLONE'S FACIALTEXTURE.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

>> THAT'S TRUE.

>> WHAT IS IT?

>> HARDWICK: IT'S-IT'S, UH,DESSERT-LIKE.

UH, JANET.

>> JUST ANYONE ON THE INTERNETWHO'S NOT OFFENDED.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY, POINTS, YES.

>> IS THAT A THING?

THAT DOESN'T EXIST.

>> HARDWICK: WELL I'M OFFENDEDTHAT YOU JUST SAID THAT.

>> EXACTLY.

>> HARDWICK: I MEAN, I'M REALLYOFFENDED.

>> WHY DON'T YOU TWEET ABOUT IT?

>> HARDWICK: WHY DON'T YOUJUST... WHY DON'T YOU TWEET

ABOUT IT?

>> I WILL.

>> HARDWICK: OH, WELL, THEN I'LLTWEET BACK AT YOU.

>> THAT OFFENDS ME.

>> HARDWICK: IN ALL CAPS.

>> ALL RIGHT.

>> HARDWICK: HOW DARE YOU.

>> LOL.

IT'S NOW TIME TO PLAY #1GOTTAGO.

ONE OF THE FINEST MEMES SWEEPINGTHE TWEETS RIGHT NOW WITH ALL

THE KIDS AND THEIR BULLSHIT ISTHE HASHTAG "1GOTTAGO", WHERE

PEOPLE POST A SET OF FOUR PHOTOSAND THEY ASK THEIR FRIENDS TO

PICK THE WORST ONE.

IT'S KIND OF LIKE FUCK, MARRY,KILL, MINUS ALL THE PESKY

FUCKING AND MARRIAGE.

SO HERE'S A... HERE'S AMUNCHY-LOVING EXAMPLE.

SWISS ROLLS, ZEBRA CAKES, HONEYBUNS OR NUTTY BARS-- WHICH ONE

GOTTA GO?

TWITTER USER @WILSON_SLADE SAID,"THIS WOULD BE THE HARDEST

CHOICE IN LIFE (SHAKING MY HEAD)"I'D PICK SWISS ROLLS BY A VERY

SLIM MARGIN".

THIS IS VERY CLEARLY UP FORDEBATE.

UH, SO COMEDIANS, I'M GONNA SHOWYOU A SET OF FOUR PHOTOS AND FOR

250 POINTS YOU TELL ME WHICH ONEGOTTA GO AND WHY, ALL RIGHT?

THEY... THEY ALL SOUND LIKEWEIRD SEX ACTS.

>> HE SWISS ROLLED ME.

BUT HE DIDN'T SAY HE LOVES ME.

>> HARDWICK: DID HE, UH...

>> HONEY, LET'S DO A ZEBRA CAKETONIGHT.

>> HARDWICK: DID HE SWISS ROLLYOU IN THE HONEY BUNS?

>> UH-HUH.

>> HARDWICK: DID HE PUT HISNUTTY BARS IN YOUR ZEBRA CAKE?

>> MM-HMM.

>> HARDWICK: AW.

I'M SO SORRY, LITTLE DEBBIE.

ALL RIGHT, THIS...

THIS FIRST ONE IS FOR GENERICCEREAL CONNOISSEURS.

WHICH ONE GOTTA GO-- CRISPYHEXAGONS, MARSHMALLOW MATEYS,

CRUNCHEEOS OR PRANKS?

CRAIG ROWIN.

>> UH, PRANKS GOTTA GO BECAUSETRIX ARE FOR KIDS, BUT PRANKS

CAUSES SIDS.

>> HARDWICK: THE... ALL YOU DIDWAS RHYME THAT.

IT JUST RHYMED.

UH, JANET.

>> OH, THEY ALL GOTTA GO,BECAUSE I AM GLUTEN-FREE AND

INSUFFERABLE.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

YUP.

FULCH.

>> CRISPY HEXAGONS GOTTA GO,'CAUSE I AIN'T EATIN' NO

DILAPIDATED BEEHIVE.

>> HARDWICK: WHAT?

>> WHAT?

>> HARDWICK: SO WEIRD.

WELL, IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU TAKEA STAND ON SOMETHING, RICH.

>> YES!

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, GOOD,POINTS FOR THAT.

NEXT ONE IS THE WHITE WOMENEDITION-- WHICH ONE GOTTA GO?

NORTH FACE JACKETS, UGG BOOTS,STARBUCKS OR CRYING?

(BELL DINGS)I MEAN, I SEE THESE AS ALL PART

OF THE SAME PERSON.

UH, JANET.

>> CHRIS, I'M GONNA GO WITH UGGBOOTS GOTTA GO.

AND WHILE YOU'RE AT IT, WHYDON'T YOU TAKE YOUR LITTLE

MINISKIRT, YOUR FAKE TAN ANDYOUR DOG IN A PURSE?

DOGS DON'T BELONG IN PURSES!

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, GOOD.

>> I'M SORRY.

>> HARDWICK: YOU ALL RIGHT?

YOU GOT VERY UPSET THERE.

>> IT'S A VERY IMPORTANT CAUSEFOR ME.

>> HARDWICK: YES, I'M SO GLADTHAT YOU'VE SPENT SO MUCH...

>> IT'S MY CAUSE, CHRIS.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, GOOD,POINTS.

RICH FULCHER.

>> STARBUCKS GOTTA GO, 'CAUSE IHAVEN'T SLEPT IN 15 YEARS.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY, POINTS,POINTS.

>> HE'S ACTING.

YOU ACTED.

>> YEAH.

>> I NOTICED, I NOTICED.

>> I-I ACTED THAT ONE OUT.

>> IT WAS REALLY GOOD.

>> DIDN'T I?

>> IT WAS REALLY GOOD.

>> HARDWICK: NEXT ONE.

MUSIC AFFICIONADOS, WHICH ONE'SGOTTA GO-- KIDZ BOP, KIDZ BOP 2,

KIDZ BOP 3, KIDZ BOP 4?

CRAIG.

>> UH, KIDZ BOP 3 BECAUSE THEVERSION OF "DILEMMA" BY NELLY

FEATURING KELLY ROWLAND IN THATIS A FUCKING TRAVESTY.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY, POINTS.

THAT'S... A VERY REASONABLE...

ON THE SUBJECT OF KIDZ BOP, HAVEYOU GUYS SEEN THE KIDZ BOP MUSIC

VIDEO FOR "SINCE YOU'VE BEENGONE"?

UM, I DON'T KNOW WHY I HAVE,BUT... YOU HAVE TO SEE HOW

INTENSE THIS ONE KID IS.

IT'S-IT'S AMAZING.

>> ♪ SINCE YOU'VE BEEN GONE...

I CAN... ♪>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

>> WOW.

YES.

>> YES.

>> YES.

>> OH... (LAUGHS)>> YES.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH!

I DON'T THINK I'VE EVER BEENTHAT EXC...

I'VE NEVER BEEN EXCITED ABOUTANYTHING THAT M... MUCH LESS A

CREEP DRESSED UP AS A TIGERDOING SPLITS.

NEXT ONE, WHICH ONE GOTTA GO, ATRASH BAG, A TRASH BASKET, A

TRASHCAN, OR AUSTRALIAN RAPSENSATION IGGY AZALEA?

(BELL DINGS)RICH FULCHER.

>> A TRASH BASKET, 'CAUSE ITSIFTS MY VOMIT TERRIBLY.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY, POINTS.

>> SIFTS IT. SIFTS IT.

>> SIFTS.

S-SIFTS, NOT SIDS.

>> HARDWICK: NO SIDS.

JANET VARNEY.

>> IT HAS TO BE IGGY, BECAUSE,OF THOSE FOUR, SHE'S ACTUALLY

THE WORST RAPPER.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

POINTS.

I MEAN...

BEFORE THE BREAK, I SHOWED YOU AHERD OF TUSCALOOSANS THUNDERIN'

ONTO THE FIELD DURING ALABAMAFAN DAY, AND I ASKED YOU TO TELL

ME WHAT IS BEING ANNOUNCED OVERTHE P.A. TO PROMPT THIS

STAMPEDE.

LET'S SEE WHAT YOU CAME UP, RICHFULCHER.

>> UM, WE'VE JUST RECEIVED WORDTHAT A JEW HAS BEEN SPOTTED IN

THE STANDS.

REPEAT, A JEW HAS BEEN SPOTTEDIN THE STANDS!

>> HARDWICK: CRAIG ROWIN.

>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASEWELCOME TO THE FIELD YOUR 2015

WHITE PEOPLE WITH DIABETES!

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT.

JANET VARNEY.

>> WELL, MATT, LOOKS LIKE THEFANS HAVE SPOTTED AN OVERTURNED

CAN OF PBR AND ARE RUSHIN' TOSUCK IT OFF THE GRASS.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

ALL RIGHT.

AS WE GO TO OUR NEXTGAME, NUGE IT OR LOSE IT!

TED NUGENT, THEUBER-CONSERVATIVE DADCORE ROCK

STAR AND FREQUENT KID ROCKBLOWJOB-GIVER...

PLEASE DON'T SHOOT ME!

PLEASE DON'T SHOOT ME!

WE'RE JUST MAKING JOKES.

UH, BAWITDABA DA BANG A DANG...

I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY,I'M SORRY!

NO, YOU STOP IT!

THEY MADE ME DO IT!

I'M SORRY!

I'M NARCISSISTIC AND STARVED FORATTENTION!

THEY ENCOURAGED ME!

ANYWAY, THIS PIECE OF SHIT HASRECOVERED LONG ENOUGH FROM...

THE TRENCH MOUTH...

HE'S PROBABLY A NICE GUY...

(CHUCKLES)HE'S RECOVERED FROM THE TRENCH

MOUTH HE CONTRACTED WHILEHUNTING PANDAS WITH HIS HOMEMADE

FLAMETHROWER TO DEFEND DONALDTRUMP.

HE TOLD WIBX RADIO WHAT HETHINKS OF REPUBLICAN DEBATE

MODERATOR MEGYN KELLY, WHO WENTAFTER TRUMP FOR SEXIST REMARKS,

SAYING, "I OFTEN JUST TURN ONFOX TO LOOK AT HER, SOMETIMES

WHEN I'M LOADING MY MAGAZINES.

AND I USUALLY SIT NAKED ON THECOUCH, DROPPING HOT BRASS ON MY

STUFF."

I WAS RIGHT.

HE'S A PIECE OF SHIT.

THAT SOUNDS LIKE A LINE FROM HISEROTIC NOVEL, 50 NECKS OF RED.

THIS...

THIS WHOLE INCIDENT DEFIES MATHBECAUSE TRUMP AND NUGENT ARE

NEGATIVE AND THAT SHOULD EQUAL APOSITIVE, BUT, IN REALITY, IT

JUST CREATES A DOUCHEBAG BLACKHOLE.

SO, COMEDIANS, NOW THAT WE KNOWTHE NUGE WATCHES FOX NAKED WHILE

LOADING A GUN, WHAT ELSE DO YOUTHINK HE DOES ON HIS COUCH?

LET'S FIND OUT IN 60 SECONDS.

AND BEGIN.

(BELL DINGS)CRAIG ROWIN.

>> TRYING TO REMEMBER ONE OF HISSONGS THAT ISN'T "CAT SCRATCH

FEVER."

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)JANET.

>> METH.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)RICH.

>> CORNROWS HIS PUBES?

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

YOU SAID THAT LIKE YOU WEREASKING ME FOR PERMISSION.

(BELL DINGS)CRAIG.

>> BINGE-WATCHING CAKE BOSS.

I JUST HAPPEN TO KNOW HE LOVESTHAT SHOW.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)CRAIG.

>> PROBABLY DOG FUCKING.

>> HARDWICK: POIN... (LAUGHS)POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)"I CAUGHT THIS DOG WITH MY BARE

HANDS.

THAT'S MY WAY.

NOW I GET TO FUCK IT."

>> AS LONG AS HE USES EVERY PARTOF IT.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

>> AW...

YEAH.

>> HARDWICK: JANET.

>> I WANT TO SAY FALLS ASLEEPWITH A LIT CIGARETTE IN HIS

MOUTH AND BURNS TO DEATH, IHOPE.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

(BELL DINGS)POINTS. RICH FULCHER.

>> WORKS ON HIS MUSICAL, CATSCRATCH SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER.

(GROANING)WHAT?

A GROAN'S AS GOOD AS A LAUGH,PEOPLE!

(BUZZER SOUNDS)>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, I'LL

GIVE YOU POINTS FOR THAT.