Boner Doctor

  • Season 2, Ep 4
  • 04/22/2014

Amy checks into an extremely temperamental hotel, goes to a couples counseling session led by Chrissy Teigen and shops for her future body.

if you're healthy enough

for sexual activity.

If you have an erectionlasting longer than four hours,

call me!

Hi, I'm Amy Schumer,

and you can buy lab coatson eBay.

An erection that won't go away

is considereda medical emergency,

but in my book, it's moreof a medical opportunity.

Here in my state-of-the-artfacility,

you and I will handlethe situation together.

How much does it cost?

Free.

No insurance?Me neither.

Never have.Probably never will.

Medically-induced erections arenothing to be ashamed of.

You should be proudand more importantly,

you should be on your wayover here.

If I can't wrestlethat gator down,

no doctor will be able to.

So please,for your health,

call the emergency numberon your screen right now.

It's my number.

(phone ringing)Oh.

Hi, this is Amy.

Yes, I'm avail--Oh, it already went down?

Just from hearing my voice?

You sure?

Well, thank you for cal--Hello?

Okay, that was a wrong number.

You can call me literallyany time, 24 hours,

seven days a week.

I'm available at midnighton New Year's,

for the last three years.

Welcome to the U.

I would love so muchto help you today.

I'm checking in.

That would bemy great pleasure.

May I offer you a kumquatand elderflower julep?

Yeah.Thank you.

No, thank you,really.

This is a lot nicer thanthe hotels I usually stay at.

I'm just in town for workfor the night.

Oh, I'm so happy you feltcomfortable enough

to share that with me.

What name wouldthe reservation be under?

Amy Schumer.

Of course.Perfect.

My parentsalmost named me Amy,

but I didn't deserve it.

(gasps) You pickeda great weekend to be here.

Willow Nolte is guest dee-jayingin the lobby tonight.

Nick Nolte's stepdaughter.

Wow.

Here's your room key.

Check-out is at 11:00,

and now I'll show youto your room.

You're an angeland it's my great honor

to breathe the same airas you.

Now, this is Soak,our pool experience.

Over here, we have Splay,our lounge area.

Oh, no.

Oh, I would havehad more of that.

And right here is Soar,

which will take usto your room.

Oh, I love your shoes.

Everything about youis just so on point.

Thank you.

I love rollingthis bag around.

'Cause it's yours.

Welcome home.

This is huge.

You could fitthree people in here.

This is too fancyfor me.

No, don't say that.No.

This is all about you.

You deserve this.

You make Kate Middleton looklike a mental patient

(bleep) herselfin a rusty wheelchair.

Right this way.

All of our water is pumped infrom virginal koi ponds

where two beautifulswans are making love

for the first time.

Our ceramic sustainableinfinity toilet

has an orgasmevery time you flush.

(toilet) Oh, yes!

I never have to fake it with you, Amy.

You look radiant.

Take a look at yourselfin the mirror.

See what I see.

Wait, why is it--

Why aren't youin the mirror?

Oh, it doesn't reflectthe staff.

We're nothing.I'm (bleep).

Look at me running my mouth offlike a stupid dumb bitch.

Anyway,you must be exhausted.

I'll leave you alone.

Okay.

(sighs)

Hello, angel.Oh, my God.

Can I tuck you in?

Uh, you don't have to--

Oh, I want to.

Oh.

Now, would you liketo be awakened

by a soft kiss on the cheek ora stranger going down on you?

Oh,I don't kn-- know.

I guess the latter?

Okay, we can just feel itout in the moment then.

Is there anything elseI can do for you?

Anything?

Um, well, I hate to ask,

but I usually sleep witha white noise machine--

Shh...

I really prefer--

Whale noises?

That's my specialty.

(imitates whale)

We have standards, guys.What do we serve stuff in?

Glassware, correct?

Wouldn't it be better to serve-- No red cups, come on!

(knock on door)

(woman)Housekeeping.

I'll be outin a minute!

Chop, chop!

(man on TV) So what's going on in the bar right now?

Are they out of glassware?

(sighs)Good morning.

Late check-out?

Is it?

It's after 11:00.

I'm going to have tocharge you for another day.

It's like five after.

Should I just leave thatall on the Visa?

It's me.

All on the Visa,ma'am?

Yeah, I guess--

This woman is no longera guest at the hotel.

She's done.She's done talking to you.

This way, ma'am.She's done.

Oh, no, no, I think shejust didn't recognize me.

Wait, let me just...

Hi, I'm checking in.

Ooh, I lovethat scarf.

Is that Egyptian silk?

Everything about youis just so on point.

Wait, it's me!It's me!

This is gonna be good.

Do we reallyhave to do this?

Yes, we're notcommunicating.

We need help.

We're notcommunicating?

Yeah, we're notcommunicating.

I don't even know whatyou're saying right now.

(door opens)

Hello.

Hi, I'm Chrissy Teigen.

I'm so sorryabout the wait.

Come on in.Thank you so muchfor seeing us.

No problem.

It's gonnabe fine.

So let's get started.

First of all, how longhave you two been together?

Four years.Well, we had a good run,if that's what you mean.

Well, I think it's greatyou guys are both here.

It shows thatthis relationship

is something that's importantto the both of you.

I'm sorry,aren't you a model?

She's a supermodel.

You sound like a realass(bleep) right now.

I actually was a model,

but now I'm a clinicalsocial worker

and I really love it.

You know, I'm reallyenjoying this now

and I mean, who wantsto ride a horse naked

for the cameraall the time?

I'd rather justdo that on my own.

And as you know, modelingis great,

but you hit 27and suddenly, you're old.

Oh, that's not old.

Amy's 37.

I'm 32.

Yeah, but you'rea drinker.

All right, so let's talk aboutwhat brought you two here.

I'll start.

Um...

You know, when,when Amy gets jealous,

I get reallyfrustrated.

So I have to like,you know,

go to the gym and thenI gotta sweat it out.

Just... (growls)

And Amy?

Well, I, I feel likehe's cheating on me.

You just need to learnto believe that I'm not.

Uh, well, these soundlike two very conflictingperspectives, obviously--

Can you put your glassesback on, please?

Of course.

Thank you.

No, no.

No, no, no.

No,don't do that.

Okay, uh, well, he never has sexwith me, like at all.

It's becauseI don't want to.

And Amy, how doesthat make you feel?

That makes me feel unattractive,Chrissy Teigen.

You know what, Kevin,maintaining self-esteemfor a woman

can be really difficult.

I think we all feela little bit ugly sometimes.

All right, I wantto try a role play.

I'm going to be Amy.

Kevin, I'd like youto say to me

all the things that you'dlike to do to Amy in bed.

Okay--No.

I don't think that'sa good idea for us--

First, I want to kissyou for hours.

And then I wantto run my fingers

through your long,dark hair.

And thenI wanna drive you crazy

by licking you in placesno other man,

including John Legend,

has ever touchedbefore.

All right,why don't you now

say those thingsdirectly to Amy?

It's okay.

I think she got it.

I don't thinkthis is helping at all.

So it's agreed.We're on a break.

You know what I liketo do sometimes is kind of

finish off the sessionwith just one of you.

I think that would bethe smartest deal here.

Okay, yeah.

Amy, you'll takea Citi Bike home, right?

I've never even useda Citi Bike.

It's really easy.You just use a credit card.

Actually, Kevin, I think it'sbest if I finish with Amy,

but, um, you know what?

My business cardsare still being made.

But all my informationis on this for you.

Oh, my God.Thank you.

We have a calendar--

Wow,this has everything.

I will put thisto use.

Great, and thenI will see you Monday.

Monday.

Perfect.I will see you then.

Monday.

See you at home.See you.

Girl,don't blow this, girl.

What?

That man out thereis a total catch.

You need to lock it down.

Really?(phone chimes)

Oh, gross.It's a dick.

(Amy)Whoa, save some for the fish!

You're watching"Gym Bummers."

Welcome to Sports Central's"Gym Bummers,"

the show about thingspeople do at the gym

that bum everyone out.

Let's kick off the show withthis week's highlights.

(Amy)Our first Gym Bummer comesto us from the Scrunch gym

in Montclair, New Jersey.

Here comessupplement-pushing,

unsolicited adviceguy.

Doing the double tap.

Here we go, having himtake out his headphones,

about to land and...

You're doing it wrong.(Amy)Boom!

Avert your eyes, folks.

It's the co-dependentcouple

working out together.

(man)Hey, why molesteach other

in the comfortof your own home

when you can do it infull view of everyone?

We understandthat shoulder presses

are part of yourforeplay,

but if wewanted to watch,

we'd find your YouPornchannel.

(alarm sounds)Oh, you know what thatsound means.

It's time forthe lightning round.

Code red, code red.

Indian guy working outin jeans.

Just gonna take a shotin the dark here.

I don't think thisgentleman's gonna shower

after this gym visit.

Woman who dresseslike Mr. Mistoffelees

from the musical "Cats."

Guy who picks the treadmillright next to you

when there'splenty available

and runs sidewaysfacing you.

Man, I don'tthink it's true

that poodles arethe smartest.

He's got nothingto say

but wantseveryone to hear it.

That's a rare doublebummer.

It's the classicgrunt and drop.

(roaring)

Yeah!

Ugh.

Easy, Drago.

No one's invadingyour village.

And that's the endof the lightning round.

Whew, well, now it's timefor Bummer of the Week.

A fully-dressedcouple

who justchecked into a hotel

are surveyingthe gym.

They didn't even bringgym clothes.

"Yeah, wow, honey.

There are a lotof towels in here."

Stop lying to yourselves.You're never gonna use it.

You're never gonna use it!

And that'sall the time we have.

Tune in next weekfor "Gym Bummers:Locker Room Edition,"

where a naked old guywith a hanging scrotum

blow-dries his hairfor 90 minutes.

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