Madrigal, Kelley, Reno, Phillips

  • Season 6, Ep 606
  • 12/07/2002

Henry Phillips sings a long song, Melanie Reno recalls going to a hard-partying college, and Al Madrigal weighs in on America's growing Latino population.

HE HAD A HELMET, SHOULDER PADS,

KNEE PADS, SOME SHIN GUARDS,

GLOVES, TALKIN' ABOUT,

"I'M A GONNA RIDE MY BIKE."

I'M LIKE, "WHERE?

THROUGH A MINE FIELD?

WHAT THE HELL IS ALL THAT?"

WHEN WE WERE KIDS, WE AIN'T HAD

ALL THAT MESS WHEN WE RODE OUR

BIKES, RIGHT?

WE AIN'T CA-- WE WERE TOUGH.

THESE KIDS NOW, BOY, THEY SIT IN

THE HOUSE, PLAYIN' VIDEO GAMES

ALL DAY.

WE ACTUALLY WENT OUTSIDE AND

PLAYED THOSE GAMES FOR REAL.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'?

WE WERE JUST-- FIGHTIN' AND

EVERYTHING.

MY FAVORITE GAME WAS,

"THAT DON'T HURT".

I LOVE THAT GAME.

WE JUST HIT EACH OTHER IN THE

HEAD WITH STUFF.

THAT DON'T HURT.

THAT DON'T HURT.

THAT'S ALL WE PLAYED.

"CATCH THE AX".

THAT WAS ANOTHER ONE OF MY

FAVORITES.

(LAUGHTER)

I HAD A FRIEND, WE WERE PLAYING

OUR FAVORITE GAME--

"THAT DON'T HURT"-- AND WE DARED

HIM TO LET A CAR ROLL OVER HIS

HEAD.

AND HE DID IT.

AND THE CAR ROLLED OVER HEAD.

BIG TIRE MARKS ON HIS FACE.

THAT DON'T HURT.

ALL RIGHT.

WE H

MY FULL NAME IS

ALISONDRO LABORIO MADRIGAL.

YOU KILLED MY FATHER.

PREPARE TO DIE.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I'M HALF MEXICAN.

GET USED TO IT.

BECAUSE IN ABOUT FIVE TO TEN

YEARS, YOU'RE ALL GONNA BE

RELATED TO ONE.

I GUARANTEE YOU, WHETHER YOU

LIKE IT OR NOT, NO MATTER HOW

MUCH YOU PREPARED YOUR FAMILY,

YOU'RE GONNA SHOW UP AT

THANKSGIVING ONE OF THESE YEARS,

AND YOU'RE GONNA WALK IN AND

SAY, "HEY, WHAT'S HAPPENING?

SINCE WHEN DO WE START SERVING

FLAN?"

WELL, WHAT'S HAPPENING IS, IS

THAT SOMEBODY'S BONIN' A LATINO.

THAT'S WHAT'S HAPPENING.

IT COULD BE YOUR SISTER,

IT COULD BE YOUR COUSIN,

IT COULD HAPPEN TO YOU.

NOW, THERE'S A LOT OF QUESTIONS.

NOBODY PANIC, BECAUSE THERE'S

A LOT OF BROWN OUT THERE AND I'M

LIKE THE MODERN DAY PAUL REVERE,

WARNING YOU PEOPLE THAT THE

MEXICANS ARE COMIN', ALL RIGHT?

AND THERE'S A LATIN BREEZE,

RIGHT?

YOU CAN FEEL IT, CAN'T YOU?

CAN'T YOU FEEL THE BREEZE?

CAN YOU?

MY POINT IS, IS THAT IT'S A

BROWNING OF AMERICA, LADIES AND

GENTLEMEN, ALL RIGHT?

SO, I'M GONNA TEACH YOU HOW

TO SPOT OUT A HALF MEXICAN,

ALL RIGHT?

IT'S VERY SIMPLE.

OVERUSE OF THE WORD POQUITO.

ALL RIGHT?

IF THOSE OF YOU WHO SPEAK LESS

THAN 20 WORDS OF SPANISH,

POQUITO MEANS A LITTLE BIT.

AND SO, WHAT HAPPENS IS, I'M

DARK-COMPLEXTED AND I LIKE

SEEKING OUT THE MEXICAN

RESTAURANTS, AND SOANY HISPANIC,

YOU KNOW, LATINO RESTAURANT,

ANYTHING LIKE THAT, I'LL GO,

AND I'LL GET IN LINE, AND I KNOW

WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN.

BECAUSE I'M GOOD WITH THE

SALUTATIONS, LIKE "COMO ESTAS,"

"BIEN, BIEN," "USTED," "AGUA."

RIGHT?

AND THEN, THE GUYS WANT TO TALK

TO ME.

AND I GET IN LINE, AND I'M

PRACTICING, AND THEN I GET UP TO

PLACE MY ORDER, AND THE GUY SAYS

SOMETHING TO ME COMPLICATED, AND

I GET EMBARRASSED, YOU KNOW?

AND THEN, HE SAYS,

"HABLE ESPAÑOL?"

AND I SAY, "UN POQUITO."

RIGHT?

HOT SAUCE?

UN POQUITO.

UN POQUITO.

UN POQUITO.

LIKE AN IDIOT.

SO, I WENT DOWN TO MEXICO

RECENTLY, CABO SAN

WENT DOWN TO A BACHELOR PARTY

DOWN THERE.

SO, WE GO TO THE STRIP CLUB,

RIGHT?

MY BUDDY GIVES ME 20,000 PESOS,

ROUGHLY $19, FOR A PRIVATE

DANCE, RIGHT?

ONE OF THOSE LAP DANCES.

SO, I GO BACK, RELUCTANTLY,

DOWN A MURKY HALLWAY, TO WHAT

LOOKS LIKE A DOLLAR STORE

DRESSING ROOM, RIGHT?

AND THEY OPEN UP THE DIRTY

CURTAIN.

THERE'S A VELVET ELVIS ON THE

WALL WITH THE EYES CUT OUT, SOME

WEIRD SORT OF QUALITY ASSURANCE

PROGRAM THEY'RE RUNNING IN

THERE.

(LAUGHTER)

THEY GOT A DIRTY RECLINER THEY

PULLED OFF THE STREET WITH DUCK

TAPE ON IT.

GOD KNOWS WHAT ELSE.

THEY GOT A BLOODY PIPE ON THE

FLOOR.

IT'S LIKE A THIRD WORLD GAME OF

CLUE.

AND--

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

SO SHE SAYS, "GO AHEAD, SIT DOWN

AND RELAX.

I'M GONNA MAKE YOU REALLY

HORNY."

AND I SAY, "WELL, NO OFFENSE,

BUT I DON'T THINK I CAN GET THE

BEST WOOD WHEN I THINK I'M GONNA

DIE."

IT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

ANYWAY, SO THEN, WITHOUT MISSING

A BEAT, SHE SAID, "LOOK AT MY

COOCHER."

(LAUGHTER)

AND I'M OBVIOUSLY REPULSED.

SO SHE GOT UPSET, AND SHE MORE

AGGRESSIVE.

AND SHE WAS LIKE, "LOOK AT MY

COOCHER."

SO ALL RIGHT, COMMANDING ME TO

LOOK AT HER COOCHER.

AND THIS IS ME CURLED UP IN THE

CORNER GOING, "NO, I DON'T WANT

TO LOOK AT YOUR COOCHER.

I HATE IT.

WHO'S TEACHING YOU THESE WORDS?"

(LAUGHTER)

SHE KEPT GOIN'.

"LOOK AT MY COOCHER!

LOOK AT IT!

LOOK AT MY COOCHER!"

AND THEN SHE GOT A LITTLE UPSET

THAT I WASN'T LOOKING.

SO, SHE TURNED INTO A HYPNOTIST,

OR SOMETHING.

LIKE, "LOOK AT MY COOCHER.

LOOK AT IT.

YOU'RE GETTING HORNY."

IT'S LIKE, "NO."

AND THEN SHE GOT A LITTLE

TEARY-EYED.

AND SHE SAID, "WHAT IS WRONG

WITH MY COOCHER?

IT'S GOOD COOCHER."

AND I SAID, "WELL, IT'S

CERTAINLY NOT POQUITO, I'LL TELL

YOU THAT MUCH."

THANKS A LOT EVERYBODY.

THAT'S MY TIME!

WROTE FOR A GIRL, ACTUALLY.

AND IT'S A FUNNY STORY, BECAUSE

WHEN I FIRST MET THIS GIRL,

SHE DIDN'T SPEAK A WORD OF

ENGLISH.

AND I DIDN'T SPEAK, YOU KNOW,

WHATEVER LANGUAGE THAT SHE

SPOKE.

BUT IT WAS TREMENDOUS.

AND-- ANYWAY, THIS IS JUST A

LITTLE SONG THAT I WROTE FOR HER

ON HER 73rd BIRTHDAY.

AND I'M GONNA GO AHEAD AND SHARE

IT WITH YOU GUYS.

♪ YOU ARE THE BLOSSOM

♪ I AM THE VINE

♪ YOU ARE THE BLOSSOM

♪ I AM THE VINE

♪ SWEET LITTLE BLOSSOM OF MINE

♪ HANGING ON THE VINE

♪ EXTRACTING ALL THE NUTRIENTS

♪ FROM INSIDE

♪ SWEET LITTLE BLOSSOM OF MINE

♪ YOU ARE THE OYSTER

♪ I AM THE PEARL

♪ YOU ARE THE OYSTER

♪ I AM THE PEARL

♪ SWEET LITTLE OYSTER OF MINE

♪ IRRITATING YOU INSIDE

♪ COVERING ME WITH

♪ YOUR SHINY MUCUS

♪ LIKE SUBSTANCE

♪ UNTIL I SHINE

♪ SWEET LITTLE OYSTER OF MINE

♪ I AM THE HOST ORGANISM

♪ YOU ARE THE UNICELLULAR

♪ DYNOFLAGELLATE ALGAE

♪ I AM THE HOST ORGANISM

♪ YOU ARE THE UNICELLULAR

♪ DYNOFLAGELLATE ALGAE

♪ SWEET UNICELLULAR

♪ DYNOFLAGELLATE ALGAE

♪ OF MINE

♪ LETTING ME USE YOUR

♪ CHLOROPLASTS SO THAT

♪ I CAN PHOTOSYNTHESIZE

♪ PROVIDING YOU WITH

♪ CARBON IN EXCHANGE FOR

♪ THE NUTRIENTS YOU OBTAIN

♪ FROM MY KETABOLIC PATHWAYS

♪ SWEET LITTLE UNICELLULAR

♪ DYNOFLAGELLATE ALGAE

♪ OF MINE

ALL RIGHT, COME ON.

I WANT EVERYBODY TO SING ALONG

WITH ME ON THE NEXT ONE.

(CHEERS)

YOU GUYS KNOW IT BY NOW.

HERE WE GO.

♪ I AM THE ELVIS

♪ YOU ARE THE

♪ COLONEL TOM PARKER

♪ I AM THE ELVIS

♪ YOU'RE THE COLONEL PARKER

♪ SWEET LITTLE

♪ COLONEL PARKER OF MINE

♪ RIGHT THERE BY MY SIDE

♪ PULLING MY BLOATED

♪ 250-POUND COCAINE

♪ AND BARBITURATE

♪ SATURATED BODY

♪ OUT OF THE BATHTUB

♪ TO KEEP ME FROM DROWNING

♪ IN A PUDDLE

♪ OF MY OWN VOMIT

♪ SWEET LITTLE

♪ COLONEL PARKER OF MINE

♪ SWEET LITTLE

♪ COLONEL PARKER OF MINE ♪

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)