Madrigal, Kelley, Reno, Phillips

  • 12/07/2002

HE HAD A HELMET, SHOULDER PADS,

KNEE PADS, SOME SHIN GUARDS,

GLOVES, TALKIN' ABOUT,

"I'M A GONNA RIDE MY BIKE."

I'M LIKE, "WHERE?

THROUGH A MINE FIELD?

WHAT THE HELL IS ALL THAT?"

WHEN WE WERE KIDS, WE AIN'T HAD

ALL THAT MESS WHEN WE RODE OUR

BIKES, RIGHT?

WE AIN'T CA-- WE WERE TOUGH.

THESE KIDS NOW, BOY, THEY SIT IN

THE HOUSE, PLAYIN' VIDEO GAMES

ALL DAY.

WE ACTUALLY WENT OUTSIDE AND

PLAYED THOSE GAMES FOR REAL.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'?

WE WERE JUST-- FIGHTIN' AND

EVERYTHING.

MY FAVORITE GAME WAS,

"THAT DON'T HURT".

I LOVE THAT GAME.

WE JUST HIT EACH OTHER IN THE

HEAD WITH STUFF.

THAT DON'T HURT.

THAT DON'T HURT.

THAT'S ALL WE PLAYED.

"CATCH THE AX".

THAT WAS ANOTHER ONE OF MY

FAVORITES.

(LAUGHTER)

I HAD A FRIEND, WE WERE PLAYING

OUR FAVORITE GAME--

"THAT DON'T HURT"-- AND WE DARED

HIM TO LET A CAR ROLL OVER HIS

HEAD.

AND HE DID IT.

AND THE CAR ROLLED OVER HEAD.

BIG TIRE MARKS ON HIS FACE.

THAT DON'T HURT.

ALL RIGHT.

WE H

MY FULL NAME IS

ALISONDRO LABORIO MADRIGAL.

YOU KILLED MY FATHER.

PREPARE TO DIE.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I'M HALF MEXICAN.

GET USED TO IT.

BECAUSE IN ABOUT FIVE TO TEN

YEARS, YOU'RE ALL GONNA BE

RELATED TO ONE.

I GUARANTEE YOU, WHETHER YOU

LIKE IT OR NOT, NO MATTER HOW

MUCH YOU PREPARED YOUR FAMILY,

YOU'RE GONNA SHOW UP AT

THANKSGIVING ONE OF THESE YEARS,

AND YOU'RE GONNA WALK IN AND

SAY, "HEY, WHAT'S HAPPENING?

SINCE WHEN DO WE START SERVING

FLAN?"

WELL, WHAT'S HAPPENING IS, IS

THAT SOMEBODY'S BONIN' A LATINO.

THAT'S WHAT'S HAPPENING.

IT COULD BE YOUR SISTER,

IT COULD BE YOUR COUSIN,

IT COULD HAPPEN TO YOU.

NOW, THERE'S A LOT OF QUESTIONS.

NOBODY PANIC, BECAUSE THERE'S

A LOT OF BROWN OUT THERE AND I'M

LIKE THE MODERN DAY PAUL REVERE,

WARNING YOU PEOPLE THAT THE

MEXICANS ARE COMIN', ALL RIGHT?

AND THERE'S A LATIN BREEZE,

RIGHT?

YOU CAN FEEL IT, CAN'T YOU?

CAN'T YOU FEEL THE BREEZE?

CAN YOU?

MY POINT IS, IS THAT IT'S A

BROWNING OF AMERICA, LADIES AND

GENTLEMEN, ALL RIGHT?

SO, I'M GONNA TEACH YOU HOW

TO SPOT OUT A HALF MEXICAN,

ALL RIGHT?

IT'S VERY SIMPLE.

OVERUSE OF THE WORD POQUITO.

ALL RIGHT?

IF THOSE OF YOU WHO SPEAK LESS

THAN 20 WORDS OF SPANISH,

POQUITO MEANS A LITTLE BIT.

AND SO, WHAT HAPPENS IS, I'M

DARK-COMPLEXTED AND I LIKE

SEEKING OUT THE MEXICAN

RESTAURANTS, AND SOANY HISPANIC,

YOU KNOW, LATINO RESTAURANT,

ANYTHING LIKE THAT, I'LL GO,

AND I'LL GET IN LINE, AND I KNOW

WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN.

BECAUSE I'M GOOD WITH THE

SALUTATIONS, LIKE "COMO ESTAS,"

"BIEN, BIEN," "USTED," "AGUA."

RIGHT?

AND THEN, THE GUYS WANT TO TALK

TO ME.

AND I GET IN LINE, AND I'M

PRACTICING, AND THEN I GET UP TO

PLACE MY ORDER, AND THE GUY SAYS

SOMETHING TO ME COMPLICATED, AND

I GET EMBARRASSED, YOU KNOW?

AND THEN, HE SAYS,

"HABLE ESPAÑOL?"

AND I SAY, "UN POQUITO."

RIGHT?

HOT SAUCE?

UN POQUITO.

UN POQUITO.

UN POQUITO.

LIKE AN IDIOT.

SO, I WENT DOWN TO MEXICO

RECENTLY, CABO SAN

WENT DOWN TO A BACHELOR PARTY

DOWN THERE.

SO, WE GO TO THE STRIP CLUB,

RIGHT?

MY BUDDY GIVES ME 20,000 PESOS,

ROUGHLY $19, FOR A PRIVATE

DANCE, RIGHT?

ONE OF THOSE LAP DANCES.

SO, I GO BACK, RELUCTANTLY,

DOWN A MURKY HALLWAY, TO WHAT

LOOKS LIKE A DOLLAR STORE

DRESSING ROOM, RIGHT?

AND THEY OPEN UP THE DIRTY

CURTAIN.

THERE'S A VELVET ELVIS ON THE

WALL WITH THE EYES CUT OUT, SOME

WEIRD SORT OF QUALITY ASSURANCE

PROGRAM THEY'RE RUNNING IN

THERE.

(LAUGHTER)

THEY GOT A DIRTY RECLINER THEY

PULLED OFF THE STREET WITH DUCK

TAPE ON IT.

GOD KNOWS WHAT ELSE.

THEY GOT A BLOODY PIPE ON THE

FLOOR.

IT'S LIKE A THIRD WORLD GAME OF

CLUE.

AND--

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

SO SHE SAYS, "GO AHEAD, SIT DOWN

AND RELAX.

I'M GONNA MAKE YOU REALLY

HORNY."

AND I SAY, "WELL, NO OFFENSE,

BUT I DON'T THINK I CAN GET THE

BEST WOOD WHEN I THINK I'M GONNA

DIE."

IT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

ANYWAY, SO THEN, WITHOUT MISSING

A BEAT, SHE SAID, "LOOK AT MY

COOCHER."

(LAUGHTER)

AND I'M OBVIOUSLY REPULSED.

SO SHE GOT UPSET, AND SHE MORE

AGGRESSIVE.

AND SHE WAS LIKE, "LOOK AT MY

COOCHER."

SO ALL RIGHT, COMMANDING ME TO

LOOK AT HER COOCHER.

AND THIS IS ME CURLED UP IN THE

CORNER GOING, "NO, I DON'T WANT

TO LOOK AT YOUR COOCHER.

I HATE IT.

WHO'S TEACHING YOU THESE WORDS?"

(LAUGHTER)

SHE KEPT GOIN'.

"LOOK AT MY COOCHER!

LOOK AT IT!

LOOK AT MY COOCHER!"

AND THEN SHE GOT A LITTLE UPSET

THAT I WASN'T LOOKING.

SO, SHE TURNED INTO A HYPNOTIST,

OR SOMETHING.

LIKE, "LOOK AT MY COOCHER.

LOOK AT IT.

YOU'RE GETTING HORNY."

IT'S LIKE, "NO."

AND THEN SHE GOT A LITTLE

TEARY-EYED.

AND SHE SAID, "WHAT IS WRONG

WITH MY COOCHER?

IT'S GOOD COOCHER."

AND I SAID, "WELL, IT'S

CERTAINLY NOT POQUITO, I'LL TELL

YOU THAT MUCH."

THANKS A LOT EVERYBODY.

THAT'S MY TIME!

I GOT TO GO HOME FOR

THANKSGIVING AND SIT AT THE

ADULT'S TABLE.

YEAH.

(APPLAUSE)

THAT'S A--

YEAH, BECAUSE YOU KNOW, SOMEBODY

HAD TO DIE FOR ME TO MOVE UP A

PLATE, YOU KNOW?

I'M LOOKIN' AROUND, "WHERE IS

AUNT EDNA?"

BUT IT'S NOT SUCH A BIG DEAL.

IT'S KIND OF LIKE A TRAP,

BECAUSE THEY HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN

A LONG TIME, SO THEY'RE GONNA

ASK YOU A BUNCH OF NOSY-ASS

QUESTIONS, AND YOU'RE STUCK.

THEY DONE SAID GRACE.

THE FOOD'S MOVIN' AROUND THE

TABLE.

YOU CAN'T GO ANYWHERE.

"ANDRé, WHEN YOU GONNA BRING

HOME A GIRLFRIEND?

ANDRé, WHEN YOU GONNA GET

MARRIED?

ANDRé!

ME AND THE SISTERS FROM THE

CHURCH WAS WONDRIN', WHEN YOU

GONNA AT LEAST HAVE SOME KIDS?"

AND THEN, MY AUNT'S CHIMIN' IN,

"WELL, Y'ALL LEAVE THE BROTHER

ALONE.

MAYBE HE DON'T EVEN LIKE

CHOCOLATE."

(LAUGHTER)

I'M LIKE, "WAIT A MINUTE.

WAIT A MINUTE.

HOLD UP.

I LIKE CHOCOLATE JUST FINE.

I JUST LIKE MINE WITH NUTS."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

(CHEERS)

PASS THE BISCUITS.

YOU KNOW?

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

THEY LOST THEIR MINDS.

IT WAS LIKE, ATTACK OF THE

OLD PEOPLE, FROM THAT POINT ON.

OH, MY UNCLE-- GAY?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN GAY?

ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY YOU'RE

GAY?

YOU DON'T EVEN LOOK GAY!

WELL, I'M ONE OF THE NEWER

MODELS.

I'M A STEALTH-FAG.

(APPLAUSE)

MOM'S SITTIN' THERE DOING THAT

MOM GUILT-TRIP THING.

YOU KNOW HOW THEY DO.

"WELL, YOU KNOW, YOU'RE MY BABY,

AND I LOVE YA.

BUT DON'T YOU BE TRYIN' TO WEAR

NONE OF MY CLOTHES."

THAT REALLY BOTHERED ME.

NOT THE IDEA OF DOING DRAG.

BUT THE IDEA AS A GAY MAN,

WEARING THE CRAP SHE BUYS.

(LAUGHTER)

YEAH, MOM, WHY DON'T YOU LOCK UP

THAT FLORIDA EVANS COLLECTION

FROM GOOD TIMES.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

BECAUSE MOST WOMEN KNOW THAT

NEXT TO DIAMONDS AND D SIZE

BATTERIES, A GAY MAN IS A

WOMAN'S BEST FRIEND.

AM I RIGHT, LADIES?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING.

IF YOU AIN'T GOT ONE, YOU'D

BETTER GO OUT AND GET A GAY MAN

IN YOUR LIFE DAMNIT.

I'M TELLING YOU RIGHT NOW.

WE'LL LET YOU KNOW WHERE

THE GOOD SALES ARE AT, IF YOUR

HAIR'S LOOKIN' RAGGEDY, IF YOUR

NAILS AIN'T RIGHT, IF YOUR MAN'S

A DAWG, IF YOU PAID TOO MUCH FOR

THAT CAR.

AND IF YOU'RE LOST WITH A GAY

MAN IN A CAR, WE WILL PULL OVER

AND ASK FOR DIRECTIONS."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I LOVE MY STRAIGHT GIRLFRIENDS.

I REALLY DO.

BUT THERE'S NO SOLIDARITY

ANYMORE WITH STRAIGHT WOMEN.

HAVE YOU NOTICED THAT?

STRAIGHT WOMEN LIE TO

EACH OTHER.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GETTIN' AT,

RIGHT?

WHEN YOU SEE TWO WOMEN OUT

TOGETHER, WHY DOES ONE ALWAYS

LOOK WAY BETTER THAN THE OTHER

ONE?

THAT'S BECAUSE WHEN Y'ALL ARE

GETTIN' DRESSED, YOUR GIRLFRIEND

WILL LIE TO YOU...

(LAUGHTER)

SO SHE GETS TO BE THE CUTE ONE.

OH, YEAH.

YOU BE IN THE MIRROR GETTIN'

DRESSED, YOUR GIRLFRIEND'S

SAYIN' SOME STUFF LIKE, "OOOH,

GIRL, WEAR THAT GOLD TOOTH WITH

THAT BELT.

THAT LOOKS REALLY CUTE."

(LAUGHTER)

A GAY MAN WOULD NEVER DO THAT

TO YOU.

BECAUSE LADIES...

(LAUGHTER)

I'M THE KIND OF GUY THAT YOU

TOLD WAY BACK IN HIGH SCHOOL,

"ANDRé, IF I EVER GET THAT FAT,

SHOOT MY BIG ASS."

WELL, BITCH, BANG!

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

NOW, GET UP AND LET'S FIND

A TREADMILL, OKAY?

YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN WONDERFUL.

MY NAME'S ANDRé.

I WENT TO SAN DIEGO STATE.

IT'S KNOWN AS THIS BIG PARTY

SCHOOL AND STUFF.

AND I STARTED TO THINK I WAS

GOING OUT TOO MUCH WHEN MY

WEEKENDS WERE STARTING ON

TUESDAY NIGHTS.

I TOLD MY SISTER HOW MUCH I WAS

GOING OUT DOWN THERE, AND SHE

SAID THAT THERE WAS THIS CLUB

I SHOULD CHECK OUT.

I WAS LIKE, "OH, GOD.

NOT ANOTHER CLUB."

SHE WAS LIKE, "YEAH, IT'S CALLED

'A.A.'"

(LAUGHTER)

AND I THOUGHT IT WAS NICE OF HER

TO WORRY, BUT MY CAR NEVER

BREAKS DOWN, YOU KNOW?

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

BUT AFTER COLLEGE, I STARTED

WORKING FULL-TIME.

I GOT THIS OFFICE JOB AS THIS

MAN'S ASSISTANT, WHICH BASICALLY

MEANS I'M HIS BITCH.

IT'S WEIRD THOUGH, BECAUSE THIS

IS MY FIRST FULL-TIME JOB AND

EVERYTHING.

BUT I COULD HAVE SWORN I WAS

MAKING MORE MONEY IN COLLEGE,

JUST WORKING FOR MY PARENTS

AS THEIR DAUGHTER.

(LAUGHTER)

YEAH.

I DON'T KNOW.

BUT NOW THAT I'M LIKE PAYING

THE BILLS AND EVERYTHING MYSELF,

THIS IS MY DAD'S FAVORITE

SAYING.

HE'S ALWAYS LIKE, "WELCOME TO

THE REAL WORLD," BECAUSE

EVERYTHING'S LIKE WAY MORE

EXPENSIVE THAN I THOUGHT.

LIKE THE OTHER DAY, I HAD TO BUY

MY FIRST TIRE.

AND I WENT IN THINKING IT WOULD

BE LIKE 20 BUCKS.

(LAUGHTER)

IT WAS MORE LIKE 120.

SO, I CALLED MY DAD FROM THE

PLACE.

I DON'T KNOW WHY.

I GUESS I THOUGHT HE'D FEEL

SORRY, AND SEND ME THE MONEY.

BUT NO, HE WAS LIKE,

"WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD."

I WAS LIKE, GOSH.

SO, I CALLED HIM BACK A FEW DAYS

LATER, AND I TOLD HIM, "YOU

KNOW, ALL THESE EXTRA EXPENSES,

I HAD TO TAKE A SECOND JOB."

AND HE WAS LIKE, "WELCOME TO THE

REAL WORLD."

SO, I WAS LIKE, "YEAH,

AS A STRIPPER."

(LAUGHTER)

THEN I WAS LIKE, "WELCOME TO THE

REAL WORLD, DAD."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

SO, HE SENT ME SOME MONEY.

SO, I'VE BEEN LIKE GOING TO

TRYING TO MEET GUYS OR WHATEVER.

PROBABLY NOT THE BEST PLACE.

I DON'T KNOW.

THE GUYS I'VE BEEN MEETING JUST

HAVE THE WORST PICK-UP LINES.

OH, MY GOD.

LIKE, "HEY, WHAT'S YOUR FRIEND'S

NAME?

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I WAS LIKE--

IT'S LIKE ENOUGH WITH THE LINES,

JUST ASK ME OUT.

(LAUGHTER)

BUT I'M NOT THIS BIG POLITICAL

COMEDIAN.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU CAN TELL.

BUT, UM--

(LAUGHTER)

SO, YOU CAN TELL?

BUT THE WAY I SEE THINGS, FIRST,

OLDER BUSH WAS THE PRESIDENT,

AND THEN CLINTON, AND NOW LITTLE

BUSH...

(LAUGHTER)

OR WHATEVER THEIR REAL NAMES

ARE.

BUT I KIND OF FELT LIKE FOR

THOSE EIGHT YEARS CLINTON WAS

THE PRESIDENT.

IT WAS LIKE WE HAD THAT REALLY

COOL SUBSTITUTE TEACHER,

YOU KNOW?

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

(CHEERING)

THEN IT WAS LIKE MEAN MR. BUSH

IS BACK.

I DON'T KNOW.

I FEEL BAD FOR BUSH, THOUGH.

HE'S HAD A TOUGH YEAR.

I THINK HE SHOULD TAKE THE DAY

OFF, AND THEN MAYBE WE COULD GET

CLINTON TO SUB.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

YEAH.

AND THEN LIKE, THE WHOLE NATION

COULD PLAY LIKE

HEADS-UP SEVEN-UP ALL DAY.

WELL, YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN GREAT.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

WROTE FOR A GIRL, ACTUALLY.

AND IT'S A FUNNY STORY, BECAUSE

WHEN I FIRST MET THIS GIRL,

SHE DIDN'T SPEAK A WORD OF

ENGLISH.

AND I DIDN'T SPEAK, YOU KNOW,

WHATEVER LANGUAGE THAT SHE

SPOKE.

BUT IT WAS TREMENDOUS.

AND-- ANYWAY, THIS IS JUST A

LITTLE SONG THAT I WROTE FOR HER

ON HER 73rd BIRTHDAY.

AND I'M GONNA GO AHEAD AND SHARE

IT WITH YOU GUYS.

♪ YOU ARE THE BLOSSOM

♪ I AM THE VINE

♪ YOU ARE THE BLOSSOM

♪ I AM THE VINE

♪ SWEET LITTLE BLOSSOM OF MINE

♪ HANGING ON THE VINE

♪ EXTRACTING ALL THE NUTRIENTS

♪ FROM INSIDE

♪ SWEET LITTLE BLOSSOM OF MINE

♪ YOU ARE THE OYSTER

♪ I AM THE PEARL

♪ YOU ARE THE OYSTER

♪ I AM THE PEARL

♪ SWEET LITTLE OYSTER OF MINE

♪ IRRITATING YOU INSIDE

♪ COVERING ME WITH

♪ YOUR SHINY MUCUS

♪ LIKE SUBSTANCE

♪ UNTIL I SHINE

♪ SWEET LITTLE OYSTER OF MINE

♪ I AM THE HOST ORGANISM

♪ YOU ARE THE UNICELLULAR

♪ DYNOFLAGELLATE ALGAE

♪ I AM THE HOST ORGANISM

♪ YOU ARE THE UNICELLULAR

♪ DYNOFLAGELLATE ALGAE

♪ SWEET UNICELLULAR

♪ DYNOFLAGELLATE ALGAE

♪ OF MINE

♪ LETTING ME USE YOUR

♪ CHLOROPLASTS SO THAT

♪ I CAN PHOTOSYNTHESIZE

♪ PROVIDING YOU WITH

♪ CARBON IN EXCHANGE FOR

♪ THE NUTRIENTS YOU OBTAIN

♪ FROM MY KETABOLIC PATHWAYS

♪ SWEET LITTLE UNICELLULAR

♪ DYNOFLAGELLATE ALGAE

♪ OF MINE

ALL RIGHT, COME ON.

I WANT EVERYBODY TO SING ALONG

WITH ME ON THE NEXT ONE.

(CHEERS)

YOU GUYS KNOW IT BY NOW.

HERE WE GO.

♪ I AM THE ELVIS

♪ YOU ARE THE

♪ COLONEL TOM PARKER

♪ I AM THE ELVIS

♪ YOU'RE THE COLONEL PARKER

♪ SWEET LITTLE

♪ COLONEL PARKER OF MINE

♪ RIGHT THERE BY MY SIDE

♪ PULLING MY BLOATED

♪ 250-POUND COCAINE

♪ AND BARBITURATE

♪ SATURATED BODY

♪ OUT OF THE BATHTUB

♪ TO KEEP ME FROM DROWNING

♪ IN A PUDDLE

♪ OF MY OWN VOMIT

♪ SWEET LITTLE

♪ COLONEL PARKER OF MINE

♪ SWEET LITTLE

♪ COLONEL PARKER OF MINE ♪

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

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