Dov Davidoff, Damn Fool & Tony Rock

  • 01/26/2012

Dov Davidoff proves being gay is genetic, Damn Fool doesn't like it when women call their husbands "daddy," and Tony Rock knows that you can't argue with black women.

THAT'S MY D.J.-- D.J. CASSIDY!

HE IS DOIN' IT PROFESSIONAL,'CAUSE YOU PROFESSIONAL!

- THANK YOU, SIR.

- YOU GOT TO BE PROFESSIONAL--BE PROFESSIONAL.

THESE COPS OUTHERE, MAN--

WE GOT IN TROUBLEYESTERDAY, MAN.

I LEARNED ONE THING, MAN.

COPS DO NOT LIKETO CHASE YOUR ASS.

THEY DON'T MIND A CAR--WHEN A CAR'S MOVIN' AROUND,

THEY DON'T MIND IN A CAR,BECAUSE, YOU KNOW,

THE CAR RUN OUT OF GAS,OR THOSE SPIKE STRIPS,

OR BUSTED TIRES,OR SOMETHIN' LIKE THAT,

BUT WHEN THEY GOTTAGET OUT OF THAT DAMN CAR,

THAT'S WHEN A COPGET MAD AT YOUR ASS.

THEY DO NOT LIKE CHASIN'YOUR ASS-- YOU KNOW WHY?

'CAUSE THEY GOT ALL THATBULLSHIT ON THEIR BELT.

THEY GOT TONS OF SHITTHEY WILL NEVER USE.

THEY GOT GUNS AND BULLETSAND TASERS AND MACE,

WALKIE-TALKIES,LIE DETECTOR TESTS, DNA TESTS,

A DAMN COFFEE MAKERON THAT MOTHER[bleep].

THAT SHIT IS HEAVY--YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

THEY GOTTA CHASE YOU.

"OH, HE GONNA MAKE MECHASE HIS ASS!"

ALL THAT STUFFJIGGLIN' AROUND.

[audience cheering]

"I'M GONNABEAT YOUR ASS!"

HE SPILL HIS COFFEE--"AH, I KILL YOU, MOTHER[bleep]!"

THEN THEY TACKLE YOU.

THEY TACKLE YOU--THEY TACKLE YOUR ASS.

THEY PISSED OFF NOW.

THEY PUT THAT DAMN KNEEIN YOUR BACK LIKE THAT.

PUT THEIR DAMN KNEEIN YOUR BACK RIGHT THERE.

YEAH, YEAH, YOU'RE LIKE,"YOU GOT ME, OFFICER."

"YEAH, I DO,MOTHER[bleep]."

BOOM, BOOM!

BUST YOU ON THE SIDEOF YOUR GODDAMN HEAD.

HIT YOUR ASS--I SEEN A COP HAUL BACK SO FAR,

HE HIT HIMSELF IN THE BACKFIRST BEFORE HE HIT HIS ASS.

[audience laughing]

[indistinct]HIS OWN BACK-UP.

"OUCH!

"OUCH!

"I'M GONNA KILL YOU!"

[audience cheering]

OH, MY GOD!

- IN THE MEAN STREETSOF THIS CITY

BEATS THE HEARTOF A PREDATOR.

- THIS MY TERRITORY.

YOU DON'T SCOUTNO BITCHES AROUND HERE.

- AW, COME ON, MAN-- WHO THE[bleep] ARE YOU, ROBO PIMP?

[indistinct argument]

- OH, HELL NO--OH, SHIT!

[indistinct]BULLSHIT!

- IT'S EMBARRASSING--THERE ARE PEOPLE LOOKING!

- HE'S ONE DANGEROUS MOTHER--- WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?

- NOTHIN'.

- WHO'S THE BOSS?- TONY DANZA.

- HE'S SMOOTH AS SILK.

- I'M YOUR BABYSITTER,I'M YOUR GYNECOLOGIST.

I AM ALL THINGSTO YOUR ASS.

- AND COLD AS ICE.

J.B. SMOOVE IS..."THE SEGWAY PIMP."

- THIS AIN'T SHIT.

THIS AIN'T DOIN'SHIT RIGHT HERE.

LET ME OUT--THIS IS BULLSHIT!

I GOT A GODDAMNHAIR APPOINTMENT!

BABY.

THAT'S ALL IT IS,JUST A LITTLE ROCKIN'.

NOW, ABOUT THATPHONE NUMBER.

- WHAT THE [bleep]ARE YOU DOIN'?

[bleep] NAT KING COLE,MOTHER[bleep]!

- DON'T YOU [bleep]CRY ON ME AGAIN.

- DRAMA.- WIPE THE TEARS.

WIPE THE TEARS.- ACTION!

- HE WANNA [bleep] AROUNDAND NOT PAY.

- CONFLICT.

THE MAN...

THE MACHINE...

- THIS MOTHER[bleep] RIGHTHERE IS AN EXTENSION OF ME.

SHE'S NOT [bleep]JOKIN' AROUND AND SHIT.

I'M FLOATIN', BITCH.

- HE'S "THE SEGWAY PIMP"

AND HE'S ABOUTTO LAY YOUR ASS OUT.

- NO, NO!

[audience cheering]

I THINK THAT'S HOW I GOTINTO THIS BUSINESS,

AND I SHUT MY TV OFF FOR TWOYEARS BECAUSE I WANTED TO READ,

AND THEN I SHUT--I TURNED IT BACK ON.

I REALIZED EVERYTHINGHAS CHANGED.

THERE MUST BE 15 SHOWSABOUT PEOPLE'S JOBS.

"ICE ROAD TRUCKER,""AX MEN," "DIRTY JOB."

UNEMPLOYMENT IS SO HIGH,WE'RE WATCHING PEOPLE WORK.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I'M TAPIN' MY FIRST TV SHOW,AND I LOVE BEIN' HERE,

BUT I HATE NEW YORKAT THE SAME TIME.

THIS IS THE BEST,WORST CITY IN THE WORLD.

I SWEAR, 'CAUSE Y'ALL JUSTSO MEAN AND AGGRESSIVE.

I'VE NEVER SEEN PEOPLESO MEAN AND AGGRESSIVE,

JUST BODY LANGUAGEAND ALL.

Y'ALL JUST "RAGH," "RAGH"--YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'?

I'M STANDIN' ATBUS STOP EARLIER.

SOME DUDE WALKEDUP ON ME LIKE,

"YO, HOW LONG YOU BEENWAITIN' ON THE FUCKIN' BUS!"

I WAS LIKE,"FIVE MINUTES!

"YOU KNOW, I DON'T EVENWANNA TAKE THIS BUS NO MORE.

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