Tuesday, February 10, 2015

  • 02/10/2015

Barry Rothbart, Annie Lederman and Judah Friedlander respond to sexual advances from Spider-Man, write taglines to sell gifts for couples and list erotic movie merchandise.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> Chris: I'M SURE YOU KNOWTHIS, BUT LAST NIGHT, A BIT OF

COMIC BOOK MOVIE NEWS CAME DOWNTHE PIKE THAT IS CAUSING SO MUCH

DORK-MOISTNESS THAT -- YES!

YOU'D HONESTLY THINK OBAMA SAIDMINECRAFT COUNTS AS PE,

THAT'S HOW EXCITED PEOPLE ARE.

SPIDER MAN WILL BE JOINING THEPROPER MARVEL CINEMATIC

UNIVERSE.

FINALLY!

MEANING THAT THE WEB-HEAD WILLBE ABLE TO INTERACT WITH

HEROES LIKE IRON MAN AND THOR --AND THERE IS ACTUALLY A

HISTORICAL PRECIDENT FOR SPIDEYAND THE HULK TEAMING UP IN THIS

CLASSIC TOY COMMERICIAL FROM MYCHILDHOOD.

>> THE INCREDIBLE HULK MEETSSPIDER MAN.

>> GOOD JOB, HANDSOME.

>> Chris: WELL. MY.

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> Chris: THERE'S A LOT OFTENSION THERE IN THAT WEIRDLY

ALL-MALE LOGGING CAMP PLACE.

COMEDIANS, AS THE HULK, PLEASERESPOND TO SPIDER MAN'S

ADVANCES.

BARRY ROTHBART.

>> HULK SAYS DOESN'T COUNT IFYOU GO DOWN ON ME.

>> Chris: POINTS.

[LAUGHING]

>> Chris: ANNIE.

>> JUST 'CAUSE HULK DO THINGSON WEBCAM DOES NOT MEAN HE WILL

DO THINGS FOR WEB MAN.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS.

JUDAH.

>> HULK PROMOS COMPROMISE.

HULK BANG MARRY JANE WHILESPIDER MAN JERK OFF IN CORNER.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS.

WHAT ABOUT THE CLASSIC, DON'TMAKE ME GAY.

YOU WOULDN'T LIKE ME WHEN I'MGAY.

[LAUGHING]

>> HULK WONDERS WHY HAND SOSTICKY.

>> THAT'S WHERE IT COMES FROM.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Chris: MARRY JANE IS LIKE,PETER, KEEP THE WEB OUT OF MY

HAIR, PLEASE.

>> IT'S SOMETHING ABOUT MARY.

>> Chris: YES EXACTLY.

>> THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT MARYJANE.

>> OH.

IT TIME FOR TONIGHT'S HASHTAGWARS.

TOMORROW KICKS OF NEW YORKFASHION WEEK, SO YOU KNOW WHAT

THAT MEANS, HUNDREDS OFMALNOURISHED DEAD-EYE SCARECROWS

STRUTTING DOWN A RUNWAYDRESSED LIKE AN IGUANA'S BALL

BAG OR THE CLOWN THAT KILLEDYOUR PARENTS.

WHY SO SERIOUS.

SO IN HONOR OF THE MOSTPRETENTIOUS WEEK IN GARMENTRY,

TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS#FashionWeak -- BUT WITH AN 'A'!

"WEAK" IS HOMOPHONE! MEANINGLAME.

IT'S DAYS LIKE THIS ON THEHASHTAG WARS THAT MAKE IT

WORTH COMING INTO WORK.

EXAMPLES OF THIS MIGHT BEH&S&M.

OR DAVID DUKES.

OR CARGO SHARTS.

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND BEGIN!

ANNIE LEDERMAN.

>> NEVER QUITE MADE IT TO 21.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS.

YES, BARRY.

>> SEAN JON BENET RAMSEY.

>> Chris: POINTS. POINTS.

JUDAH.

>> INCOME INEQUALITY GAP.

>> Chris: POINTS. ANNIELEDERMAN.

>> BETSY'S GOT A JOHNSON.

>> Chris: POINTS.

BARRY.

>> KEITH URBAN OUT FITTERS.

>> Chris: POINTS.

ANNIE.

>> TOMMY HILL FINGERED ME.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS. POINTS.

JUDAH.

>> JOHN WAYNE MACY'S.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS.

BARRY.

>> DICKLESS CAP.

>> Chris: POINTS. JUDAH.

>> FEDORA THE EXPLORER.

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> ARMENIAN APPAREL.

IT'S TIME TOPLAYFUL BLOWN MARITAL AIDS.

FULL BLOWN MARITAL AIDS.

VALENTINE'S DAY IS THIS WEEKEND.

IT'S AWESOME IF YOU'RE IN AHAPPY RELATIONSHIP, DEPRESSING

IF YOU'RE SINGLE, AND AWKWARD IFYOU'VE BEEN DATING YOUR TINDER

HOOKUP FOR LESS THAN A MONTH.

SO I'M GONNA SHOW YOU SOMEUNUSUAL VALENTINE'S DAY GIFTS WE

FOUND ONLINE AND FOR 250 POINTS,YOU HAVE TO GIVE THEM TAGLINES

TO SELL THEM.

HERE'S THE FIRST ONE -- TWINSIE.

IT'S LIKE A ONESIE, BUT TWICE ASEMBARRASSING.

ALWAYS BE READY FOR ATHREE-LEGGED RACE.

YES, BARRY.

>> FOR THE COUPLE THAT LIKES TO[BEEP] EACH OTHER PANTS.

>> Chris: POINTS.

JUDAH.

>> PERFECT FOR CUDDLING DURING AHOME INVASION.

>> Chris: POINTS. POINTS.

>> I LIKE THE PICTURE THAT WOMANNEVER MET HIM AND JUST WOKE UP

IN IT.

>> YEAH, HER HANDS ARE LIKE,HELP!

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, NEXT ONE.

THE WiFi ENABLED KISSMESSENGER ROBOT THAT LET'S

COUPLES SEND VIRTUAL SMOOCHS TOEACH OTHER

>> Chris: OKAY.

LET ME EXPLAIN THAT TO YOU.

THIS INTIMATE ROBOT ALLOWS YOUTO TRANSMIT SENSATIONS.

YOU KISS WILL YOU THROUGH AROBOT BASICALLY.

SO, IT'S SORT OF LIKE A SHORTCIRCUIT THREEWAY, IF THAT MAKES

ANY SENSE.

ANNIE.

>> BECAUSE SOMETIMES WHEN YOU'REIN A LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP

YOU NEED A COLD PLASTIC THINGFOR YOUR OTHER LIPS.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS.

I MEAN, I GUESS.

>> THAT'S A GENDERED ONE.

>> Chris: I'LL TAKE YOUR WORDFOR THAT. BARRY?

>> UH, YEAH. YOUR BOYFRIEND ISGOING TO TRY TO [BEEP].

>> Chris: POINTS.

NEXT ONE.

TWODALOO, THE TOILET FORCOUPLES.

JUDAH.

>> THE COUPLE THAT GETS FOODPOISONING TOGETHER, STAYS

TOGETHER.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS.

IT'S TIME FOR OUR NEXTGAME BARCROFT TV.

BARCROFT TV.

BARCROFT TV IS THE YOUTUBECHANNEL THAT SPECIALIZES IN THE

HUMAN INTEREST STORIES OF THE "ICAN'T LOOK AWAY FROM THIS

AMAZING TRAIN WRECK" VARIERTY.

I'M GONNA SHOW YOU A STILL FROMONE OF THESE WTF-FESTS, AND FOR

205 POINTS, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TOTELL ME WHAT'S ACTUALLY GOING ON

IN THE VIDEO.

FIRST ONE -- THIS IS SNAKEHANDLER JAMIE GUARINO.

WHAT'S GOING ON THERE?

DOES HE LET HIS BABY PLAY WITH APYTHON OR LET RATTLE SNAKES

SLEEP WITH HIM AND HIS WIFE.

JUDAH.

>> LET RATTLE SNAKES SLEEP WITHHIM AND HIS WIFE.

>> Chris: UH, LET'S FIND OUT. IHOPE IT'S THAT ONE.

NOPE.

>> SEEING A BURMESE PYTHONHOLDING THEIR BABY WOULD BE A

NIGHTMARE FOR MOST PARENTS.

>> HOW DO WE KNOW THAT'S HISBABY?

>> Chris: WHY WOULD THAT BEOKAY.

LIKE, WHY WOULD --

>> THE ONLY WAY THAT'S OKAY ISIF IT'S A POISONOUS BABY AND THE

THE SNAKES --

>> Chris: THEY'RE ON EQUALGROUND.

>> THAT'S THE ONLY.

>> Chris: THEY'RE ON EQUALGROUNDS.

A HUNDRED POINTS TO JUDAH.

NEXT ONE -- THIS PENSIVE HUNK.

IS HE KNOWN FOR BRAZIL BIGGESTARTIFICIAL MUSCLE IMPLANTS OR

PREACHING AT BRAZIL'S ONLYALL-NUDE CHURCH?

ANNIE.

>> PRECAHING AT BRAZIL'S ONLYALL-NUDE CHURCH, CHRIS.

>> Chris: LET'S FIND OUT.

NOPE.

>> OOH. YEAH.

>> Chris: OH MY GOD, THE SNAKEATE THAT BABY!

>> MAN.

>> WHAT THE [BEEP], MAN.

>> THAT IS GROSS. GET THEMIN THE RIGHT IN THE RIGHT PLACE,

AT LEAST.

>> Chris: YEAH, I DON'T EVENKNOW. THE TRICEPS DOESN'T NEED

TO --

>> YEAH, I KNOW THAT GUY.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, NEXT ONE.

THIS LOVELY LADY.

DOES SHE MAKE HER LIVINGTREATING TINY MEN LIKE CHILDREN

OR SELLING PICTURES OF HERARMPITS ONLINE.

ANNIE.

>> TREATING MEN LIKE CHILDREN.

>> Chris: LET'S FIND OUT.

>> ARM PIT MODEL, ALL THE WAY.

>> THERE YOU ARE!

>> OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!

>> I DO EVERYTHING FROMHEIGHT-SIZE COMPARISON, LIFTING,

CARRYING, SMOTHERING, WRESTLING,AND JUST WALKING IN PUBLIC WITH

PEOPLE.

>> I'M USE TO SMOTHERING MENTOO, BUT, UM --

I WANT A LITTLE MAN NOW.

>> Chris: YOU WANT A TINY GUYNOW.

I WANT A LITTLE GUY.

I ALWAYS GO FOR THE BIG ONES. IWANT A LITTLE ONE.

>> I'M JUST WONDERING, DO THEYSELL THAT BACKPACK?

THAT'S A COOL BACKPACK.

>> Chris: 100 POINTS TO JUDAHFRIEDLANDER.

DO OR DO NOT DO, THERE IS NOTTRY.

AS WE GO TO OUR NEXT GAME,LUBE GOLDBERG.

LUBE GOLDBERG.

>> Chris: 50 SHADES OF GREY IS ABOOK THAT MAKES YOUR MOM WETTER

THAN A SEATTLE SUMMER.

[LAUGHING]

>> Chris: THE MOVIE HITSTHEATERS WEEKEND, BUT THERE ARE

ALREADY DOZENS OF "50 SHADES"PRODCUTS AVAILABLE, FROM TEDDY

BEARS -- WHICH WE HAD ON THESHOW A FEW WEEKS AGO --

TO LAUNDRY DETERGENT.

I DON'T WANT MY DETERGENT TOTAKE ME UP AND [BLEEP] ME IN A

BASEMENT.

"OH, WOW. THIS SEXUAL VIOLATIONIS SO SPRINGTIME FRESH."

MY FAVORITE IS 50 SHADES OFGREY COME ALIVE PLEASURE GEL

FOR HER.

'CAUSE I'M ALL ABOUT HER NEEDS,GUYS. I'M ALL ABOUT HER NEEDS.

TAKE A LOOK, TAKE A LOOK.

>> APPLY JUST A SMALL AMOUTAROUND YOUR CLITORIS.

MASSAGE IN SMALL CIRCULARMOTIONS AND FEEL THE FULL

EFFECT IN MOMENTS.

>> I FEEL A LITTLEUNCOMFORTABLE.

>> Chris:WHAT A MINUTE. THAT'SWHERE THE CLITORIS IS?!

I HAVE NOT BEEN LOOKING IN THERIGHT PLACE AT ALL.

HOWEVER, A CALIFORNIA WOMAN ISPUTTING THE ASS IN CLASS ACTION

LAWSUIT AGAINST THE MANUFACTUREROF THIS LUBE BECAUSE SHE SAID IT

QUOTE, FAILED TO DELIVER ON ITSPROMISE OF SEXUAL GRATIFICATION

AND IMPROVED ORGASMS.

YOU JUST GOTTA RELAX, BABY. YOUJUST GOTTA RELAX.

COMEDIANS, WHAT ARE SOMEOTHER SEXY MOVIE TIE-INS THAT

YOU WOULD LIKE TO SEE OR NOTLIKE TO SEE.

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND BEGIN.

ANNIE.

>> SCHINDLER'S GIANT RUBBERFIST.

>> Chris: POINTS. BARRY.

>> THE IMAGINARIUM OF DR.PARNASSUS'S ASS CREAM.

>> Chris: POINTS.

JUDAH.

>> TOO FAST TWO-HEADED DILDO.

>> Chris: POINTS.

JUDAH.

>> BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE VAGINA.

>> Chris: POINTS.

BARRY ROTHBART.

>> EDWARD FLESHLIGHT HANDS.

>> Chris: POINTS. GOD DAMNIT,POINTS.

JUDAH.

>> MORTDECAI'S RIDEABLEMUSTACHE.

>> Chris: POINTS.

ANNIE.

>> LADY AND THE NIPPLE CLAMP.

>> Chris: POINTS.

BARRY.

>> THEORY OF EVERYTHINGSTEPEHN HAWKING SEX DOLLS.

>> Chris: POINTS.

ANNIE.

>> THE JIZZARD OF OZ.

>> Chris: YOU KNOW WHAT ALL ICOULD THINK OF WHEN YOU SAID

THAT, ANNIE?

"FOLLOW THE YELLOW PRICK ROAD!"