Brooks Wheelan

  • Season 4, Ep 5
  • 09/19/2015

Brooks Wheelan imagines what would happen if he panicked onstage, explains how he learned about the Internet and tells the story of a prank gone painfully awry.

I used to live in New YorkI left New York. It's rough.

New York is, like,proud of its garbage-ness.

Like, that's what it is.It's like, it's like,

"We're the worst,and we love it!" Like...

Like, their motto's like,"Welcome to New York City.

The city that never sleeps."

And I was like,"That sounds like a nightmare.

"I sleep all the time.

"It really helps my mood, too.

"You should try it, maybe.

"You'd maybe beless stabby then, you know?

If you sleep,you won't cut everybody."


And they love that photoin New York.

Like, that really lovethat photo of Marilyn Monroe.

It's, like, in a lot of bars,

where she's, like,walking over that subway grate,

and, like, air comes up,

and it blows her skirtinto the sky,

and she's like, "Ooh!"

And everyone's like,


"What a babe!

"Let me roll my tongue back upreal quick.

Oops, my eyes are out again."


But what no one talks about

is how that air is rat breathfrom the sewer.

That's the dirtiest airin the world.

Think of dirtier air.

You cannot.

Just think of it.

If you were walkingdown the street later tonight,

and you walkedover a subway grate

and enough air camefrom that hellfire

to blow your clothes asunder,

you're not gonna posefor a photo.

You're not gonna be like, "Thisone's for the boys." Like...

It's not what's gonna happen.

You're gonna walk over,and the air will come up,

and you'll go, "Oh, no!


"On a Wednesday night!On a Wednesday night!

"I'm going home, Mitch!

"I can't do this anymore.

"You calm down!

That's how Ninja Turtles start."

And I always had to sitin the back in the middle,

'cause I hadthese two older brothers

who were,who were absolute nightmares.

Like, I really disliked,I hated them when I was little.

They're all right now,but, like, when I was little,

they were so mean.

I remember when I was five,

I was, like,made this promise of, like,

"As soon as I am as bigas these men are,

"they will die.

"But for now, these handsare not strong enough.

"So we will settle

for placing our wiener intotheir mouthwash."


Which is a thing I did one time.

That's a thingyou only ever do one time.

It burns so bad.

It's crazy, it's crazy.

It happened 23 years ago,

and I can tell youevery event of that day.

That's what the pain was like.

I just remember being,like, five

and, like,going into their bathroom

and getting their Scope outand being like,

"They ain't gonna like this."

Uh, I put my wiener in it,and it didn't touch anything,

so I remember I had to, like,

press it against my skinand, like, lean back.


So it, like, cascaded down.

And the pain is immediate.

It doesn't need to soak.

Just right away, I was like,

"You've madea terrible mistake!

He knows not what he does!"

It's the first timeI'd ever been hurt

but couldn't tellmy mom about it.

You know what I mean?

Like, up until that point,there were no secrets.

This was the first secretI ever had.

But, like, after it happened,I was like,

"We're gonna go downwith this one, baby." Like...

I just knew I couldn't.

Like, anything else,I could go

up to my mom and be like,"Mom, I jumped off the roof.

I broke my back."

She'd be like,"Well, don't do that."

But I knew for thisI couldn't be like,

"Mom, I put my wienerin mouthwash!"

"Why?""'Cause I hate your children.

Because you did a nightmare job,to be honest."

I want Obama to leave office

just so he is liked again.

That's what I want him to leave.(audience laughs)

You know what I mean?

That's why I want him to leave.

Just so he's liked again.

Because when you're president,

you just get blamedfor everything.

Like, if someoneloses their job,

they're like, "Obama!"


It's, like, no, you're a racistdrunk at your job, dude.

Like, that's whyyou got fired, like...

'Cause once you'renot president,

you're just an old celebrity,that's all you are.

And that's the most fun thingto be in the world.

Like, think about it,

remember how madeveryone was at George Bush.

Everyone was like,"He's killing everybody!"

And now we're like, "Look atwhat he's painting over there.

(laughs)"Look at that.

He's drawing his dad.Can you believe that?"

If you're, like, the mostRepublican person in the world,

like, crazy right-wingRepublican,

but you saw Bill Clintonin a Chipotle...

(chuckles)'d be like, "Oh, my gosh.

"No one's gonna believe me.

"Excuse me, Mr. Clinton,

uh, can I get youa burrito, you know?"

Also I wantHillary Clinton to win

just so Bill is backwith nothing to do this time.

That's the most funpossible thing.


'Cause when he wasfull president,

he was still like, "All right!"

You know, like...

While he had stuff to do.

Now he has nothing--I would love that.

That's, like, the only E! showI would tune in to.

It's just called,like, Billy's Back.

And the promo's justhim being like...

"Y'all thought I was gone."