Tompkins, Kroll, Krug, Haines, Rivera, Kilpatrick, Nanjiani

  • Season 4, Ep 0407
  • 12/04/2009

is New Yorkers.

And you know what the number onetopic of conversation

amongst New Yorkers is?

New York.

People just like to sit around

and talk about how great it is.

"Hey, you want to get togetherfor some coffee?

"We'll do some New York talk.

"It's gonna be great.

As usual."

(chuckles)

I love New Yorkers when theyfind themselves confronted

with the idea that, uh,

you would ever go outside ofNew York, 'cause they can't...

understand this at all.

Like, they don't understand

that there's a restof the world, right?

"What? Hold on a second.

"You're telling methat some people,

"they liketo go outside the confines

"of the cityin which they were born

"currently live,and will eventually die?

"It makes no sense.

(imitating robot):"Does not compute. Beep. Boop.

(laughs)

"I was being a robot for fun.

"You got everything you needin New York.

"Why would you ever goanywhere else?

"Travel. It's stupid.

"Why would I ever go to China?

"We got Chinatown.

"I get it-- Chinese people.

"Is there more to itI'm missing?

"I doubt it.

"Why would I ever wantto go to Big Italy?

"We finally got Italydown to a manageable size.

"Little.

(stammering):"I'll go to some

"giant-sized Italy that somebody

"has pointed the oppositeof a shrink ray at?

"I'm sure there'sa technical term.

"I'm not good with rays.

"What, I'm supposed to goover there

"and get trampledby some Italian giant?

"He doesn't seeI'm a regular-sized person

"from Little Italy?

"Hey, you know what?

"You want to go over to Italy,get trampled by Italian giant,

"hey, God love you,do what you want,

but, uh, count me out."

You know what they haveplenty of in New York

is New Yorkers.

And you know what the number onetopic of conversation

amongst New Yorkers is?

New York.

People just like to sit around

and talk about how great it is.

"Hey, you want to get togetherfor some coffee?

"We'll do some New York talk.

"It's gonna be great.

As usual."

(chuckles)

I love New Yorkers when theyfind themselves confronted

with the idea that, uh,

you would ever go outside ofNew York, 'cause they can't...

understand this at all.

Like, they don't understand

that there's a restof the world, right?

"What? Hold on a second.

"You're telling methat some people,

"they liketo go outside the confines

"of the cityin which they were born

"currently live,and will eventually die?

"It makes no sense.

(imitating robot):"Does not compute. Beep. Boop.

(laughs)

"I was being a robot for fun.

"You got everything you needin New York.

"Why would you ever goanywhere else?

"Travel. It's stupid.

"Why would I ever go to China?

"We got Chinatown.

"I get it-- Chinese people.

"Is there more to itI'm missing?

"I doubt it.

"Why would I ever wantto go to Big Italy?

"We finally got Italydown to a manageable size.

"Little.

(stammering):"I'll go to some

"giant-sized Italy that somebody

"has pointed the oppositeof a shrink ray at?

"I'm sure there'sa technical term.

"I'm not good with rays.

"What, I'm supposed to goover there

"and get trampledby some Italian giant?

"He doesn't seeI'm a regular-sized person

"from Little Italy?

"Hey, you know what?

"You want to go over to Italy,get trampled by Italian giant,

"hey, God love you,do what you want,

but, uh, count me out."

When I come here for business,

uh, sometimes they put me upin a cool New York hotel.

These hotels-- they're like,they're so cool, man.

Here's how cool they are:

during the day,they're just a hotel.

But at night, the lobby turnsinto a cokehead disco.

Ah...

It's magical.

Like, I'll leave the hotelduring the day.

"Bye, hotel. See you later."

It's my ritual.

And then, um, I come back,

all of a sudden there's,like, a red carpet remnant

and a velvet rope,

and a big, burly bald bouncerwith a clipboard

and a line of cokeheadstrying to get inside.

"Me, me, pick me!

"I can't do my drugson the street.

I need accessto your bathrooms."

By the way, if you're doing cokein the 2000s--

stop doing coke in the 2000s,'cause it is gross.

It is the most nonsocialsocial drug.

Have you ever walked awayfrom somebody

who was on cocaineand found yourself saying,

"Well, that gentlemanwas a pleasure to be around"?

(laughter)

"He was just a delight.

"I like that he tookthe conversational burden

"off of me, that it great.

(laughter)

"And he had a lotof interesting theories.

Most of them were aboutwhere to get cocaine."

At these cool hotels,my favorite thing--

this is where they tryto be super cool--

is with their"do not disturb" signs, right?

How many times have you beenin a hotel,

you didn't wish to be disturbed,

your only way to communicatethat to the housekeeping staff

is some boring, plastic sign

that says,"Please do not disturb"?

What?

Maybe I don't wish to bedisturbed like that

if I just got off my bicycle

with the one giant wheelin the front

and I was de-waxing my moustacheand unbuttoning my shoes.

Well, these cool hotels,

they really like to expressthemselves creatively.

I stayed at this one where theirversion of "do not disturb" was

"just let me chill."

(spitting)

I don't like the waythat felt in my mouth.

"Just let me chill"?

Like, I don't wantto put that on the door.

I don't want to endorse it,you know what I mean?

The worse one I ever sawwas this one

on the one side for, uh...

"please do not disturb,"it just said,

"Don't do it!"

And the other sidefor "please make up the room,"

it said, "Make it!"

So we've eliminated"please" and "thank you"

from the equation entirely,right?

"Do my bidding!"

"Go to hell!"

"Look, fellas, the, uh,housekeeping staff

"are under the impressionthey're people.

"I don't know where they getthese ideas, but, uh,

"apparently the uniforms alone

"are not enoughof a dividing line,

"so, uh, we got to reallylet them know

"what to do not disturb,you know what I'm saying?

"How's this grab you?

"For, uh, 'please make upthe room,' a simple, uh,

"'I counted my change,' right?

"Then they know it's okay.

"I know you're coming in,but, uh, let's not forget

"who's-who's in charge here.

"Then the other sidefor 'do not disturb,'

"just a... just clear as a bell,just, uh,

right to the point,'I'm white!'"

When I come here for business,

uh, sometimes they put me upin a cool New York hotel.

These hotels-- they're like,they're so cool, man.

Here's how cool they are:

during the day,they're just a hotel.

But at night, the lobby turnsinto a cokehead disco.

Ah...

It's magical.

Like, I'll leave the hotelduring the day.

"Bye, hotel. See you later."

It's my ritual.

And then, um, I come back,

all of a sudden there's,like, a red carpet remnant

and a velvet rope,

and a big, burly bald bouncerwith a clipboard

and a line of cokeheadstrying to get inside.

"Me, me, pick me!

"I can't do my drugson the street.

I need accessto your bathrooms."

By the way, if you're doing cokein the 2000s--

stop doing coke in the 2000s,'cause it is gross.

It is the most nonsocialsocial drug.

Have you ever walked awayfrom somebody

who was on cocaineand found yourself saying,

"Well, that gentlemanwas a pleasure to be around"?

(laughter)

"He was just a delight.

"I like that he tookthe conversational burden

"off of me, that it great.

(laughter)

"And he had a lotof interesting theories.

Most of them were aboutwhere to get cocaine."

At these cool hotels,my favorite thing--

this is where they tryto be super cool--

is with their"do not disturb" signs, right?

How many times have you beenin a hotel,

you didn't wish to be disturbed,

your only way to communicatethat to the housekeeping staff

is some boring, plastic sign

that says,"Please do not disturb"?

What?

Maybe I don't wish to bedisturbed like that

if I just got off my bicycle

with the one giant wheelin the front

and I was de-waxing my moustacheand unbuttoning my shoes.

Well, these cool hotels,

they really like to expressthemselves creatively.

I stayed at this one where theirversion of "do not disturb" was

"just let me chill."

(spitting)

I don't like the waythat felt in my mouth.

"Just let me chill"?

Like, I don't wantto put that on the door.

I don't want to endorse it,you know what I mean?

The worse one I ever sawwas this one

on the one side for, uh...

"please do not disturb,"it just said,

"Don't do it!"

And the other sidefor "please make up the room,"

it said, "Make it!"

So we've eliminated"please" and "thank you"

from the equation entirely,right?

"Do my bidding!"

"Go to hell!"

"Look, fellas, the, uh,housekeeping staff

"are under the impressionthey're people.

"I don't know where they getthese ideas, but, uh,

"apparently the uniforms alone

"are not enoughof a dividing line,

"so, uh, we got to reallylet them know

"what to do not disturb,you know what I'm saying?

"How's this grab you?

"For, uh, 'please make upthe room,' a simple, uh,

"'I counted my change,' right?

"Then they know it's okay.

"I know you're coming in,but, uh, let's not forget

"who's-who's in charge here.

"Then the other sidefor 'do not disturb,'

"just a... just clear as a bell,just, uh,

right to the point,'I'm white!'"

New York ladies are crazy.

Looking good tonight.

Getting dressed up!

Wearing shoes, yeah.

New York ladies are crazy.

This lady is crazy.

She doesn't believe9/11 happened.

Yeah...

Oh, that's not going to bethe act, guys.

It's going to be a lot more

Jeff Goldblum-y than that,everybody.

(laughter)

Ah, ah, oh...

No, no, no,don't run away. I...

(laughter)

(scattered applause)

Oh, there'll be plenty of timeto clap, folks, so take it easy.

I, um-- some people tell meI look like Jeff Goldblum.

Other people tell meI look more like

a Nazi propaganda cartoonof a Jew.

I didn't bring my worldthat I usually

carry on my back behind me.

I do travel a lot doing comedy.

And what I found is

that I don't like going throughairport security

because I think they havethe wrong people checking IDs.

Like, the person I want checkingIDs at the airport are bouncers,

'cause they're the only oneswho can spot a fake.

So if a terrorist rolled up,

he'd be like,"Uh, here you go."

The bouncer would be like...

"Says you're born in June.

What's your sign, bro?"

"Uh...

"Uh, I don't know,like, a Libra?"

"It's a Gemini!Get the hell out of here, dude.

"And too many dudes.

You broughttoo many dudes with you."

(laughter)

I feel, like, uh,I feel like it's good for us

to get to know each other.Uh, I'll start.

Um, my favorite color is green.

Uh, I wet the bed most nights...

with my eyes.

(laughter)

I believe that everything I needto know about life,

I learned from my parents.

And by that,I mean I'm divorced.

It's cool, though. I don't, uh,

I don't reallylet it get me down.

I know there'll be others.

Double entendre, uh...

It's all waterunder the bridge now.

Everything's good.You know, she's actually, uh,

she's been seeing this guyfor about two years now.

He's a really good guy.We get along very well.

Although, I do remember therewas tension, like,

at the beginning,'cause I'm the ex-husband.

But, uh, you know,I try to do my best,

like, break the ice with him.

I joke around with himlike I do all my friends.

Like when he goes to kiss her,I'm like,

"Hey, my (bleep) been in there."

(laughter)

I'm glad you guys laughed.

He didn't get the joke at all.

I really like that "college boy"

is an insult.

You guys remember that...that insult?

That classic insult from 1932?

The old "college boy, eh?"

I love that.

I love that, uh, 'cause if a guycome at you with a big word

that you can't understand,you can retaliate with that.

"College boy, eh?"

You know, and I got to hear itfor real, like, used,

and, like, two drunkieswere going at it and I got

to hear somebody use it;it made me giddy,

because that's, like,my favorite insult.

'Cause I love the idea thatyou're going to try

to intimidate somebodywith compliments, you know?

Just gonna get in their faceand be like,

"You listen here,you scholarly SOB.

"I'm gonna knock out every oneof your shiny, white teeth.

"Knock them right outof your minty fresh mouth.

"By the timeI get done with you,

"you're going to beall dirty and disheveled.

"But you know what? I bet you'rethe kind of guy to pull it off

"in that scruffy but still sexykind of way.

"Let me tell you somethingabout your mother.

She was a kind, pure womanwho saved herself

"until marriage.

"Unless she's already passed on,

in which caseI'm sorry for your loss."

from creatingtheir hard-hitting dramas

to educate the youth.I don't know if you knew that.

MTV does a lot of, uh,documentaries.

Uh, they did one on theHolocaust a couple years back.

I don't know if you knewabout that-- pretty awesome.

Uh, I actually saw thispromotional featurette on MTV

that they were advertisingfor the documentary.

And on this featurette, I sawthe producer from MTV Films

waxing intellectual with herhip, young viewing audience

by comparingthe writing of Anne Frank

with thatof rapper Tupac Shakur.

Actually happened.

I saw this

and, uh, she basicallywas saying that even though

the words were different,

the message was the same.

And, uh, in keeping with MTV'scommitment to programs

that not only entertain,but enlighten,

I've actually been in talkswith the network to create

a new game show called Tupac or Anne Frank

in which we give the contestantsa line of dialogue

either from The Diary of Anne Frank

or from one of Tupac'smany hit songs,

and we see if they can figureout who the author is.

And I feel like

this is a great chanceto give it a test run.

Maybe run a couple practicerounds by you guys,

'cause you seem likea very literary crowd.

So, uh, here we go.We're going to play a little

Tupac or Anne Frank right nowwith you, the crowd.

All right, number one:

"I don't think of all the miseryin the world,

but of the beautythat still remains."

Tupac or Anne Frank?

(audience talking at once)

The correct answeris Anne Frank. Yes.

Obviously, you need to readmore MTV.

All right, number two:

"Revenge is like the sweetestjoy next to getting (bleep)."

Tupac or Anne Frank?

MAN:Anne Frank!

Mm, split down the middle.

Correct answer: Tupac.

Yeah.

I'm always, uh,always a little surprised

how many peopleget that one wrong.

Kind of feel like that should beone of the easier ones.

All right, number three:

"Even when they kill me,

they can never take the gamefrom a young G."

Trick question,that was both, actually.

That was both.

Very similar styles.

Number four:

"Laziness may appear attractive,

but work givesone satisfaction."

Well, we all know a black mandidn't write that.

We've been datingfor about eight years now.

And, uh, she's already talkingabout getting married,

which I find irritatingto be honest.

Uh, mostly, 'cause I'm justproud of the eight years.

It's kind of an accomplishment,you know?

I'm not ready to resetthe odometer

just to go after the elusivemarriage record.

I'm putting up solid numbersin the minors, folks.

I don't need my face on a cerealbox, that's all I'm saying.

But this engagement thing,it's coming.

I can feel it.This ship has taken on water.

She will not hold.

Um, I think

the thing that puts more stresson our relationship

than anything is Facebook.

Because my girlfriend

has the relationship thingin her Facebook feed

set all the way to the top,so that anytime

anyone in our entire socialnetwork gets engaged,

it pops up with streamersand flares and a T-shirt gun.

So she always sees it, and thenevery time we get to have

the same passive-aggressiveconversation.

"Hey, Kent?

Do you remember Ron and Tina?"

"Uh, I don't know, remind me."

"Oh, we went to collegewith them.

They started dating, like,four years after we did."

"Okay, what-what about them?"

"Oh, nothing. They just...they just got engaged.

"They just made a lifecommitment to celebrate their

"love by joining as one in theholy sacrament of marriage.

"Just... no big deal.

Oh, my God, but you'll neverguess why."

"Oh, really? Why?"

"'Cause they're26 years old, Kent!

That's what people (bleep) do!"

"Ah. Oh, ease up, Trigger."

So then, I start freaking out.

Like, just, like, "Oh, I'm goingto lose this thing."

So I just start runningthrough scenarios,

even logisticallyhow this could work.

But then, like, all that workgets scuttled

'cause a week later, she callsme on the way home from work

and we have the secondconversation,

which is way worse.

Like, "Hey, Kent?Um, so I talked

"to my engaged friend, Tina,who got engaged.

"Tina, you remembershe got engaged.

"Oh, my God.Do you want to know

how he asked her?"

"Nope.

"No, I do not.

I don't want you to knowhow he asked her."

Because it's always thiselaborate production

that was ripped from somehorrible Kate Hudson movie

I'll never be ableto compete with.

"Okay, so it's the first dayof spring

"and she wakes up,and on her dresser is

"a single rose and a letter--so she's freaking out already.

"She opens up the letterand it sends her

"on a scavenger huntthroughout New York City.

"And she's going to alltheir favorite places,

"and, like, gettingthe salt shaker.

"Like, 'Oh, you're the salt tomy pepper.' It was so adorable.

"And she's stuffing it inher purse and running around.

"The last clue sends her

"to the topof the Empire State Building.

"And he is standing therein a full tuxedo.

"She starts rushing towards him.

"He holds up a finger,turns around

"and BASE jumpsoff the building.

"The parachute opens up,and embroidered on it,

"in her favorite font, arethe words 'Will you marry me?'

"Is that notthe most romantic thing

you've ever heardin your entire life?"

And I'm just frozenon the other end of the line,

like, halfway through tapinga Ring Pop

to the insideof a Hallmark card like,

"Oh, this is not goingto go well.

I've got to reevaluate."

...just to show I'm not (bleep)around anymore.

Ah, we have fun, don't we?

Um, a little while agoa buddy of mine was trying

to get me to go to this, uh,strip club with him.

I was like, "I don't know ifI want to go to a strip club."

He's like,"Dude, we gotta go. BYOB."

Like, that washis selling point.

Like, "Oh, well, then obviously,I must attend."

I didn't even believe him.It sounded ridiculous.

But then I looked it upand there actually is

a BYOB strip clubin Philadelphia,

which blew my mind,but the more I think about it,

the BYOB strip clubfills a very important niche

in the strip club market.

Um, because, I mean,we've all been

at a traditional strip club,

and the wine list is pedestrian.

You know, half the whites

from California,they're all screw tops.

And the sommelier couldn't tella Sancerre from a sandwich.

And I'm just sitting therethe whole time thinking,

"I have in my cellar at home

"a 2002 Argentinean Malbecthat would go perfectly

with that 42-year-old'shysterectomy scars."

And it just...

It takes me out of it.

I don't know.

People always ask me why I dothe rooms I do.

I do the rooms I dobecause they'll have me.

I don't get asked to dogay shows because I'm honest

about the fact that I don'tunderstand everything

other gay people do, either.

Like, not too long ago,I was at a gay pride parade.

There were different pointswhen I was watching the parade

where I remember thinkingto myself,

"This is really gay.

"Can we take it down a notch,please?

I'm getting uncomfortable."

Before I get out of here,I will sincerely thank

everybody in this room.

I do appreciate you allbeing so nice to me.

I appreciate youputting up with me.

Uh, I know I can bekind of hard to relate to.

I know I have troublerelating to people.

I know this,'cause I even have trouble

relating to my own friends.

See, because all of my friendsare straight and dating,

and I'm gay and I cruise.

Yeah, so sometimes our storiesdon't really match up.

Like, just today, my friendChris called me.

He was like, "I ended up takingthat girl out on a date

the other night, bro."

And I was like,"I sucked a dude's (bleep)

in a bush last night."

Bro."

Yeah, I notice sometimeswhen I do that joke,

the straight guysin the audience get

really uncomfortable.

And I never understand that,'cause it's not like I'm going

to be hiding in a (bleep) bushafter the show.

Nobody's goingto walk outside and hear,

"Psst, I'm over here."

a nice crowd, so I'll start offby warning you.

I'm not a personwho goes out of my way

to be politically correct.I don't try to be nice.

Yeah, I think we should be ableto say things we feel,

even if they'renot politically correct.

Things like, black women,

for the most part,have no business

in telephone customer service.

Sometimes, it's like I'm justtrying to figure out

my phone bill,I don't need

to hear your neck snap,Shalonda.

Some people hear me say thatand they think

I'm either racistor not a very nice person.

Neither are true.I'm just sick of the people

that take their miserable livesout on the rest of us.

Yeah, like I will tell you guysI am sick of homeless people.

I hate homeless people.

I can't stand homeless people.

I don't feel badabout saying it.

I don't mind saying it, becauseI give homeless people money.

I give them more moneythan I should.

So I feel, as a paying customer,I have a right to complain.

Yeah, like the homeless guyI really hate is the one

that asks for a dollar,you give him a dollar

and then he continuesto tell him your story.

I always feel likeI just gave you a dollar

so I didn't haveto listen to this.

Some people feel like I'm beingmean when I say this,

but I find it hard to believeI'm the only person in this room

that's ever lookedat a homeless guy

sitting on the sidewalk,drinking a beer and thought,

"Well, aren't we havinga relaxing day."

I do get sick of people takingtheir miserable lives

out on the rest of us though.

I-I really do.

I'll tell you guys who I hate,who's at the top

of my list right now:servers with attitude.

Yeah, it's true.I eat at a lot of restaurants.

I don't have a choice.And I've tried special diets.

Like, I tried Atkins, I tried

South Beach, and sometimesmy order's particular enough

that I piss myself off.

But I hate when I ask forsomething small and I get a sigh

or an ugly face. I feel likeletting these servers know,

"Look, I'm not the onethat got you pregnant at 15.

"I'm not the one that made Daddyleave and I'm not the one

"that keeps putting offyour GED test.

So how aboutsome (bleep) ranch?"

Thing that gets meis I move to L.A. and suddenly,

there are no servers.

No, there they're all actorsand actresses.

And for them,it goes a little different.

For them,it goes something like this.

"Yeah, I'm sorry you didn't getthe part on Gilmore Girls,

"but it looks to melike you've got a role.

"You're playing my server.

"So why don't you go backto the kitchen

"and get into your space

"or whatever it is you actors do,

"and get me some (bleep) ranch.

Action."

'cause my car sucks.

I drive a 1984 Oldsmobile

Cutlass Brougham,if you're scoring at home.

I want to take my car onthat show Pimp My Ride on MTV.

For those of youover the age of 25,

Pimp My Ride is a showwhere they take

people with bad cars like mine,

and they give them all thisstuff that they don't need.

Like, if I went on that show,

I'd have very simpleinstructions.

Like, I'd be like,"Hey, I don't need a hot tub

"or a waterslideor a popcorn maker

"or an ice machine

"or a place to perform surgeryin my Cutlass.

"Fix my reverse.

"That would bepretty pimp to me, yo.

Whaz-a-whaz-a what's up."

Seriously, not havingto Fred Flintstone

my car out of parkingspots anymore

would be pretty damn dopeat this point and time.

I have an Olympic-strengthleft leg over here.

And if you could getthat Whitesnake

tape out of there,I would really appreciate it.

'Cause I've been going downthe only road I've ever know

for, like, 18 months now.

Ready to change it up.

For those of youunder the age of 25,

Whitesnake was a bandin the '80s,

with a couple of hits.

Like, that's, seriously,that's the street name for it,

that's what they call it--cheese. I'm making it up.

I saw, like, four or fivenews reports

and they were like, "There'sa new drug, it's called cheese.

"Kids in the Midwestare doing it.

"It's an epidemic.

"It's a new drug.

"It's an epidemic.

It's a new drug."

So I looked up what cheese is.

Cheese is flu medicine

and heroin.

(laughter)

So really, it's heroin.

It's mostly heroin.

Heroin's doingthe heavy lifting

in that drug cocktail.

Not a new drug.

Mostly heroin.

I can't just, like, sprinklesome heroin on pancakes and go,

"I have createda new drug!

"I call it pan-shakes.

"Don't forgetthe special shake sauce."

It's just maple syrup.

And heroin.(laughter)

It's not a new drug, guys.

It's mostly heroin.

I think the last actualnew drug was,

uh, crystal meth.

Which you had to makein your bathtub.

And if you messed up

while you were making it,everything would explode--

and you would die.

That's how dangerousthat drug is.

Just trying to make itcan kill you...

forever.

And you make it just from stuffyou get at the grocery store.

To make cheese,you still need heroin.

(laughter)

You already have heroin.

It's very powerful.

Who are the peoplethat are like,

"You know what isn't reallydoing it for me anymore?

"All this heroin that I have.

"I wish I couldmake it stronger.

"I'm feeling the sniffles.

"I'm going to takethis medication...

"Oh, my God!

"This is amazing!

I will call this cheese."

(laughter)

I, uh, I moved to New York,like, a year ago.

And there are more crazy peoplein New York

than anywhere elsein the world.

I went to Coney Islandrecently,

and I, uh--(scattered applause)

yeah, it's a fun place--

I rode this roller coastercalled the Cyclone.

(audience hooting)

No, that was not my reaction.(laughter)

The single most terrifyingexperience of my life.

And I'm from (bleep) Pakistan.

(laughter)

I had, like, bruises everywhere.

I did.

It's like, I paid a guy, like,"Here's a bunch of money.

Just kind of punchme all over."

And then when I got done,when I got off,

I found out that the Cyclone

is the oldest functionalroller coaster in the world.

Wish I'd known that...

before I risked my life.

You know what yearthe Cyclone was made in?

The Cyclone was madein the year 1927.

They should changethe name of that ride

to "1927."

'Cause that fact is way scarierthan cyclones.

Or hurr-- 1927...

We didn't know anythingback then.

We thought cigaretteswere good for us.

To give you some perspective,this is completely true,

this is a fact,you can look it up--

sliced bread,

sliced bread came on the marketin 1928.

(laughter)

So if people are discussing--you know,

you've heard that phrase,and people are like,

"It's the greatest thingsince sliced bread."

They meanit's the greatest thing

in an unimaginably long time.(laughter)

This was made the yearbefore that.

(laughter)

The year before,

the standard fora really long time ago.

The whole thing is made of wood.

Wood.

You know,that indestructible substance

that NASA usesfor its space shuttles.

Wood.

Sometimes people get upsetat me in New York

when I talk about the Cyclone.

They're like, "That thingis a historical landmark."

Yeah, I'm not sayingwe should burn it down.

Although it would takejust one match.

(laughter)

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