Tompkins, Kroll, Krug, Haines, Rivera, Kilpatrick, Nanjiani

  • Season 4, Ep 407
  • 12/04/2009

Nick Kroll explains why club bouncers should check IDs at the airport, and Paul F. Tompkins talks about staying in cool hotels.

is New Yorkers.

And you know what the number onetopic of conversation

amongst New Yorkers is?

New York.

People just like to sit around

and talk about how great it is.

"Hey, you want to get togetherfor some coffee?

"We'll do some New York talk.

"It's gonna be great.

As usual."


I love New Yorkers when theyfind themselves confronted

with the idea that, uh,

you would ever go outside ofNew York, 'cause they can't...

understand this at all.

Like, they don't understand

that there's a restof the world, right?

"What? Hold on a second.

"You're telling methat some people,

"they liketo go outside the confines

"of the cityin which they were born

"currently live,and will eventually die?

"It makes no sense.

(imitating robot):"Does not compute. Beep. Boop.


"I was being a robot for fun.

"You got everything you needin New York.

"Why would you ever goanywhere else?

"Travel. It's stupid.

"Why would I ever go to China?

"We got Chinatown.

"I get it-- Chinese people.

"Is there more to itI'm missing?

"I doubt it.

"Why would I ever wantto go to Big Italy?

"We finally got Italydown to a manageable size.


(stammering):"I'll go to some

"giant-sized Italy that somebody

"has pointed the oppositeof a shrink ray at?

"I'm sure there'sa technical term.

"I'm not good with rays.

"What, I'm supposed to goover there

"and get trampledby some Italian giant?

"He doesn't seeI'm a regular-sized person

"from Little Italy?

"Hey, you know what?

"You want to go over to Italy,get trampled by Italian giant,

"hey, God love you,do what you want,

but, uh, count me out."

When I come here for business,

uh, sometimes they put me upin a cool New York hotel.

These hotels-- they're like,they're so cool, man.

Here's how cool they are:

during the day,they're just a hotel.

But at night, the lobby turnsinto a cokehead disco.


It's magical.

Like, I'll leave the hotelduring the day.

"Bye, hotel. See you later."

It's my ritual.

And then, um, I come back,

all of a sudden there's,like, a red carpet remnant

and a velvet rope,

and a big, burly bald bouncerwith a clipboard

and a line of cokeheadstrying to get inside.

"Me, me, pick me!

"I can't do my drugson the street.

I need accessto your bathrooms."

By the way, if you're doing cokein the 2000s--

stop doing coke in the 2000s,'cause it is gross.

It is the most nonsocialsocial drug.

Have you ever walked awayfrom somebody

who was on cocaineand found yourself saying,

"Well, that gentlemanwas a pleasure to be around"?


"He was just a delight.

"I like that he tookthe conversational burden

"off of me, that it great.


"And he had a lotof interesting theories.

Most of them were aboutwhere to get cocaine."

At these cool hotels,my favorite thing--

this is where they tryto be super cool--

is with their"do not disturb" signs, right?

How many times have you beenin a hotel,

you didn't wish to be disturbed,

your only way to communicatethat to the housekeeping staff

is some boring, plastic sign

that says,"Please do not disturb"?


Maybe I don't wish to bedisturbed like that

if I just got off my bicycle

with the one giant wheelin the front

and I was de-waxing my moustacheand unbuttoning my shoes.

Well, these cool hotels,

they really like to expressthemselves creatively.

I stayed at this one where theirversion of "do not disturb" was

"just let me chill."


I don't like the waythat felt in my mouth.

"Just let me chill"?

Like, I don't wantto put that on the door.

I don't want to endorse it,you know what I mean?

The worse one I ever sawwas this one

on the one side for, uh...

"please do not disturb,"it just said,

"Don't do it!"

And the other sidefor "please make up the room,"

it said, "Make it!"

So we've eliminated"please" and "thank you"

from the equation entirely,right?

"Do my bidding!"

"Go to hell!"

"Look, fellas, the, uh,housekeeping staff

"are under the impressionthey're people.

"I don't know where they getthese ideas, but, uh,

"apparently the uniforms alone

"are not enoughof a dividing line,

"so, uh, we got to reallylet them know

"what to do not disturb,you know what I'm saying?

"How's this grab you?

"For, uh, 'please make upthe room,' a simple, uh,

"'I counted my change,' right?

"Then they know it's okay.

"I know you're coming in,but, uh, let's not forget

"who's-who's in charge here.

"Then the other sidefor 'do not disturb,'

"just a... just clear as a bell,just, uh,

right to the point,'I'm white!'"

New York ladies are crazy.

Looking good tonight.

Getting dressed up!

Wearing shoes, yeah.

New York ladies are crazy.

This lady is crazy.

She doesn't believe9/11 happened.


Oh, that's not going to bethe act, guys.

It's going to be a lot more

Jeff Goldblum-y than that,everybody.


Ah, ah, oh...

No, no, no,don't run away. I...


(scattered applause)

Oh, there'll be plenty of timeto clap, folks, so take it easy.

I, um-- some people tell meI look like Jeff Goldblum.

Other people tell meI look more like

a Nazi propaganda cartoonof a Jew.

I didn't bring my worldthat I usually

carry on my back behind me.

I do travel a lot doing comedy.

And what I found is

that I don't like going throughairport security

because I think they havethe wrong people checking IDs.

Like, the person I want checkingIDs at the airport are bouncers,

'cause they're the only oneswho can spot a fake.

So if a terrorist rolled up,

he'd be like,"Uh, here you go."

The bouncer would be like...

"Says you're born in June.

What's your sign, bro?"


"Uh, I don't know,like, a Libra?"

"It's a Gemini!Get the hell out of here, dude.

"And too many dudes.

You broughttoo many dudes with you."


Like, that's, seriously,that's the street name for it,

that's what they call it--cheese. I'm making it up.

I saw, like, four or fivenews reports

and they were like, "There'sa new drug, it's called cheese.

"Kids in the Midwestare doing it.

"It's an epidemic.

"It's a new drug.

"It's an epidemic.

It's a new drug."

So I looked up what cheese is.

Cheese is flu medicine

and heroin.


So really, it's heroin.

It's mostly heroin.

Heroin's doingthe heavy lifting

in that drug cocktail.

Not a new drug.

Mostly heroin.

I can't just, like, sprinklesome heroin on pancakes and go,

"I have createda new drug!

"I call it pan-shakes.

"Don't forgetthe special shake sauce."

It's just maple syrup.

And heroin.(laughter)

It's not a new drug, guys.

It's mostly heroin.

I think the last actualnew drug was,

uh, crystal meth.

Which you had to makein your bathtub.

And if you messed up

while you were making it,everything would explode--

and you would die.

That's how dangerousthat drug is.

Just trying to make itcan kill you...


And you make it just from stuffyou get at the grocery store.

To make cheese,you still need heroin.


You already have heroin.

It's very powerful.

Who are the peoplethat are like,

"You know what isn't reallydoing it for me anymore?

"All this heroin that I have.

"I wish I couldmake it stronger.

"I'm feeling the sniffles.

"I'm going to takethis medication...

"Oh, my God!

"This is amazing!

I will call this cheese."


I, uh, I moved to New York,like, a year ago.

And there are more crazy peoplein New York

than anywhere elsein the world.

I went to Coney Islandrecently,

and I, uh--(scattered applause)

yeah, it's a fun place--

I rode this roller coastercalled the Cyclone.

(audience hooting)

No, that was not my reaction.(laughter)

The single most terrifyingexperience of my life.

And I'm from (bleep) Pakistan.


I had, like, bruises everywhere.

I did.

It's like, I paid a guy, like,"Here's a bunch of money.

Just kind of punchme all over."

And then when I got done,when I got off,

I found out that the Cyclone

is the oldest functionalroller coaster in the world.

Wish I'd known that...

before I risked my life.

You know what yearthe Cyclone was made in?

The Cyclone was madein the year 1927.

They should changethe name of that ride

to "1927."

'Cause that fact is way scarierthan cyclones.

Or hurr-- 1927...

We didn't know anythingback then.

We thought cigaretteswere good for us.

To give you some perspective,this is completely true,

this is a fact,you can look it up--

sliced bread,

sliced bread came on the marketin 1928.


So if people are discussing--you know,

you've heard that phrase,and people are like,

"It's the greatest thingsince sliced bread."

They meanit's the greatest thing

in an unimaginably long time.(laughter)

This was made the yearbefore that.


The year before,

the standard fora really long time ago.

The whole thing is made of wood.


You know,that indestructible substance

that NASA usesfor its space shuttles.


Sometimes people get upsetat me in New York

when I talk about the Cyclone.

They're like, "That thingis a historical landmark."

Yeah, I'm not sayingwe should burn it down.

Although it would takejust one match.