The Burn with Jeff Ross
Season 2

Week of 1/14/2013 - Ladies of The View, Attell, Friedlander, Leggero

  • Season 2, Ep 2
  • 01/15/2013

Jeff trades Friendly Fire with the ladies of "The View" and skewers 2013's Oscar nominees, alongside panelists Dave Attell, Judah Friedlander and Natasha Leggero.

FRIEDLANDER AND JEFF ROSS!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> WELCOME TO "THE BURN".

WHOO-HOO, IT'S A BIG, BIG

WEEK IN HOLLYWOOD.

THE OSCAR NOMINATIONS ARE

OUT, AND I LOVED DJANGO.

ANYBODY SEE IT?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I LOVE THIS MOVIE.

IT MADE ME LOOK AT SLAVERY

IN A DIFFERENT WAY.

IT'S A LOT MORE ENTERTAINING

THAN I THOUGHT.

I STARRED LEONARDO DICAPRIO,

WHO WAS SNUBBED FOR BEST

SUPPORTING ACTOR.

MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE HE SAID

THE "N" WORD 125 TIMES.

YOU A, 126 WHEN HE FOUND OUT

DENZEL GOT NOMINATED.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> YOU CAN'T GET NOMINATED

FOR SAYING THE "N" WORD 125

TIMES UNLESS YOU'RE RUNNING

FOR OFFICE IN BOSTON.

[LAUGHTER].

>> THE LAST TIME I HEARD THE

"N" WORD THAT MUCH I WAS IN

A DRIVE THROUGH AT MY UNCLE

MURRAY, AND THEY FORGOT HIS

COLE SLAW.

HI, UNCLE MURRAY!

HERE'S A STORY YOU HEAR

THREE TIMES A WEEK.

TAYLOR SHIFT IS -- SWIFT IS

SINGLE AGAIN.

SHE DOPD DUMPED BY HARRY

STILES FROM THE BAND, ONE

DIRECTION.

THEY STARTED FIGHTING A LOT

WHEN THEIR PERIODS SYNCED

YES, IT'S A TOUGH WORLD OUT

THERE, PEOPLE, AND WE NEED

TO HAVE THICK SKIN TO

SURVIVE.

NOT ALL OF US CAN TAKE A

JOKE, SO AS A PUBLIC SERVICE

I WENT TO A MET -- -- MEET

MEETING OF HIGH LIP

SENSITIVE PEOPLE TO TRY TO

TEACH ACCEPTSIVE PEOPLE HOW

TO TAKE A JOKE.

IT WAS A TOUGH ROOM.

>> ONE THING THAT I TALK

ABOUT IS THAT HIGHLY

SENSITIVE PEOPLE, IF THEY

CAN TAKE SOMETHING AS AN

INSULT OR NEGATIVE, THEY

WILL.

SO WITH THAT IN MIND, JEFF

WILL YOU TEACH ALL THE

SENSITIVE PEOPLE IN THIS

ROOM HOW TO TAKE A JOKE?

>> I'LL TRY.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

ALL RIGHT.

HOW ABOUT A HAND FOR

DR. SIGMUND FRAUD?

YOU PEOPLE WOULD BE BETTER

OFF TAKING MEDICAL ADVICE

FROM DR. CONRAD MURRAY.

THAT WAS MICHAEL JACKSON'S

DOCTOR.

40U ABOUT LARRY DAVID'S

COUSIN?

ARE YOU A HIGHLY SENSITIVE

PERSON?

>> EXTREME LICENSEIVE.

>> REALLY?

>> JUST ABOUT THIS SIDE OF A

RECLUSE.

>> YOU WANT TO SHARE YOUR

PARTICULARLY SENSITIVE

MOMENT WITH US?

>> I LOST MY WIFE ABOUT NINE

YEARS AGO.

>> SHE WAS 51.

>> DOES COMEDY HELP THOSE

SKWAIGSZ?

OBVIOUSLY THE PAIN IS DEEP.

I FEEL LIKE WHEN YOU LOSE

SOMEBODY YOU MOURN FOR A

WHILE AND THEN MOVE ON.

>> I'M STILL IN THERAPY AND

TAKING MEDICATION.

I DON'T KNOW.

I'M GOING THROUGH A VERY

STRANGE TIME RIGHT NOW.

>> HUH.

ARE YOU AVAILABLE FOR

CHILDREN'S PARTIES?

I THINK WE SHOULD PUT A RED

NOSE ON YOU, DO SOME

JUGGLING.

>> IF I'M ON THE BUS AN

SOMEBODY MAKES EYE CONTACT

WITH ME, DON'T KNOW HOW TO

TAKE IT.

>> THEY'RE JUST STARING AT

YOUR EARS.

>> YEAH.

>> I WONDER IF YOU GET CABLE

WITH THOSE EARS SEE THAT?

THAT'S TAKING A JOKE THERE.

I'M GOING TO TRY SPEED

ROASTING YOU, AND WHEN THE

JOKE GETS TOO SENSITIVE, LET

ME KNOW.

YOU'RE LIKE A LESS

SUCCESSFUL DENNIS QUAID

TOMORROW.

TIME WOMEN OPEN THEIR POUTS

FOR YOU IS WHEN SHE YAUNS.

THANK YOU.

NEXT TIME YOU'RE FEELING

LIKE SOMEBODY'S BULLYING YOU

OR TEASING YOU OR PICKING ON

YOU, LOOK 'EM UP AND DOWN

AND GIVE IT RIGHT BACK TO

'EM.

I PROMISE YOU'LL FEEL

BETTER.

ANY QUESTIONS?

ALAN.

I.

>> I HEARD THAT COMEDIANS

ARE VERY SENSITIVE.

DO YOU KNOW ANY COMEDIANS?

>> [BLEEP] YOU AND YOUR

SWEATER, ALAN.

HEY!

YOU'RE CURED.

GIVE IT UP FOR OUR HIGHLY

SENSITIVE PEOPLE, JIM,

MICHAEL AND EDWARD.

THAT WAS YOU A SOME OF THE I

CALL THEM THE THROUGH

TEARDROPS.

COMING UP, THE LEAST

SENSITIVE PEOPLE I KNOW,

DAVE ATTELL, WORLD CHAMPION,

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> PLEASE WELCOME MY FRIENDS,

DAVE ATTELL, THE WORLD

CHAMPION JUDAH FRIEDLANDER,

AND OUR NEXT VICTIM, NATASHA

LEGGERO.

LET'S HEAR IT.

>> I'M NOT WORRIED ABOUT

THEM ATTACKING ME, BECAUSE

THAT WOULD INVOLVE RUNNING.

>> JUST IN CASE ANYTHING

HAPPENS, I GOT YOUR RAPE

WHISTLE.

YOU LIKE YOUR WHISTLE?

>> I'VE NEVER HAD ONE OF

THESE.

>> BLOW IT.

>> WOW, NO WONDER YOU'RE

SINGLE.

[LAUGHTER].

>> ALL RIGHT.

LET'S START THIS.

>> VERY NICE.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> YEAH.

NOW NO DOGS WILL RAPE YOU.

[LAUGHTER].

>> JUDAH, YOU'RE A WORLD

CHAMPION HOW MANY YEARS NOW?

>> I DON'T KNOW.

I'M NOT GOOD AT MATH.

>> WHAT COLOR ARE YOU

WEARING, RED WAY AND EW?

>> THESE ARE AMERICAN COLORS,

JENNIFER AND ACCORDING TO

YOUR STATEMENT, YOU HATE

AMERICA.

>> THAT'S NOT TRUE.

I LOVE AMERICA.

I LOVE AMERICA.

>> WHY ARE YOU DRESSED LIKE

A RUSSIAN HIT MAN WHO GOT

LAID OFF BECAUSE HE WAS TOO

FAT?

WHY?

WHY, JEFF?

>> OH, MY GOD.

HOW DARE YOU?

>> LET ME TELL YOU

SOMETHING.

THE ONE OF THE MAIN REASONS

I LOOK GLASSES IS SO I'LL

NEVER LOOK LIKE YOU.

>> IS THAT BROWN ON YOUR

HAT?

>> YES, IT IS JEFFREY.

>> IS THAT BECAUSE YOU DATE

A LOT OF BLIND WOMEN?

>> I ACTUALLY HOOKED UP WITH

A BLIND CHICK.

>> WHAT HAPPENED?

>> I CAME ALL OVER HER FACE,

AND SHE CAN SEE NOW.

I HAVE MIRACLE SPERM.

>> THIS IS WHAT'S GREAT

ABOUT THIS SHOW.

NEVER HAVE YOU SEEN SOMEONE

FROM THE CAST OF SWAMP

PEOPLE TAKE ON EDDIE.

CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR

HAIR.

WHICH FOUNDING FATHER DON'T

YOU LOOK LIKE?

>> DAVE, YOU LOOK GREAT.

YOU'RE LIKE AN UP FIRE ON

VACATION.

>> I'M EXCITED, MAN.

THIS IS GOING TO BE BURNY.

THIS IS GOING TO BE --

>> ALL RIGHT.

>> YEAH.

>> ED, WHAT'S OUR FIRST

STORY?

>> OSCAR NOMINATION WERE

JUST ANNOUNCED.

>> ED, I WANT TO SAY

CONGRATULATIONS ON THE

HOBBIT.

YOUR DIRECTING WAS

FANTASTIC.

>> NICE ONE.

THAT'S GOOD.

>> WERE YOU REALLY AFRAID

THERE WAS ONE GIRL THAT

WANTED TO [BLEEP] AND YOU

WERE LIKE I'LL PONCHO THAT

[BLEEP] OUT HE EVER?

>> I LIKE HIS PONCHO.

>> OF COURSE YOU DO.

LOOK WHAT YOU'RE WEARING.

IT'S LIKE 21 JUMP STREET MET,

DON'T KNOW, ALL THE FOOD IN

THE WORLD.

WHAT'S GOING ON IN THERE?

>> ALL RIGHT.

SO OSCAR NOMINATIONS ARE OUT,

AND LIKE A DATE WITH DAVE

ATTELL, THERE ARE SOME SNUBS

AND SOME SURPRISES.

>> OH, WOW.

>> ALL RIGHT.

>> TIP OF THE HAT TO ED.

>> YES!

>> DON'T [BLEEP] WITH THE

PONCHO.

>> MY PREDICTION IS LINCOLN

IS GOING TO WIN.

IT THAT IS BEST SHOT.

>> HE WAS AMAZING IN THAT

MOVE I AM I.

>> THAT WAS A GOOD MOVIE.

I TOOK MY UNCLE TOM TO SEE

IT.

[LAUGHTER].

>> I WAS GOING TO BRING MY

MAMMY.

>> I THOUGHT IT WAS

CONGRESSING THAT THE

PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED

STATES COULDN'T DO ANY

BETTER THAN SALLY FIELDS.

>> I THINK SHE'S CUTE.

>> SHE MAKES A GOOD COOKIE.

GO AHEAD.

>> WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE OF

THE MOVIE OF THE YEAR, JUDAH?

>> I DON'T THINK I SAW ANY.

>> NONE?

>> AND I'M NOT WATCHING THE

OSCARS UNTIL TYLER PERRY

GETS A NOMINATION.

>> JUDAH, DIDN'T YOU WIN A

SAGA WARD FOR YOUR TITS?

>> OH, WOW.

>> AWESOME.

>> NO, I WON A SAGA WARD FOR

MY BALLS ON YOUR FACE.

>> WHAT ABOUT LES MISERABLE

SNGS.

>> SPTS SFAT FEE SUCH OF SAE.

>> NICE.

>> DO A VICTORY LAP.

>> I'M NOT GOING TO DO A

VICTORY LAP.

>> THE FLIGHT WAS SO BAD IN

THE PLANE CRASH SCENE, I WAS

ACTUALLY ROOTING FOR THE

FIELD.

NO, WHAT KIND OF MOVIE WAS

THAT?

DO YOU THINK THAT WOULD

HAPPEN, I MEAN A BLACK PLOT?

-- PILOT?

SPEAKING OF LANDING STRIPS,

WHAT'S GOING ON DOWN THERE?

>> DON'T GOT ONE.

>>> WOW.

ALL GONE.

>> YEAH.

>> NO, THE OPPOSITE.

>> A [BLEEP]?

OH.

>> ALL RIGHT.

I'M HERE AT THE VIEW.

>> SMELLS LIKE WEED.

WHAT'S UP?

WHAT WERE YOU DOING IN

THERE?

>> WHAT DO YOU THINK I WAS

DOING IN THERE?

PLAYING WITH MYSELF.

WHY DO YOU ASK?

>> WHO IS IN THERE?

DO YOU HAVE A LIAISON IN

THERE?

>> NO.

>> IS THERE A MAN IN THERE

WE DON'T KNOW ABOUT?

>> IT COULD BE A MAN, COULD

BE A WOMAN, COULD BE BOTH.

>> WERE YOU HAVING SEX WITH

PATRICK SWAYZE IN THERE?

WE NEED TO KNOW.

>> I COULD NEVER HAVE SEX

WITH PATRICK SWAYZE.

>> LOOK AT YOU.

YOU LOOK GREAT.

EVEN YOUR SWEATSHIRT LEANS

TO THE RIGHT.

YOU LOOK LIKE OLIVIA NEWTON

JOHN IF SHE NEVER GOT

PHYSICAL.

YOU'RE IN THERE TOO?

>> YEAH, WE ARE ALL IN

THERE.

>> LIKE A CLOWN CAR IN THE

LADIES IN THERE.

HOW MANY URINALS ARE IN

THERE?

>> I DON'T KNOW.

>> ARE THESE STALKING

BATHROOM PEOPLE?

WHAT?

>> YOUR HELMET LOOKS GREAT

TODAY.

>> YOUR WIG LOOKS GREAT

TODAY.

>> THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

I WORKED HARD ON IT.

WHOOPY DOESN'T USE

CONDITIONER ON HER HAIR.

SHE GIVES IT TENANT

DEPRESSANTS.

IF WERE YOU GOING TO TEACH A

CLASS WHAT WOULD IT BE?

>> HOW TO EAT ME.

>> I LOVE IT.

>> I KNOW.

ME TOO.

WHAT TIME IS FIRST CLASS?

>> YOU JUST MISSED IT.

>> WHERE IS THIS SHOW GOING

TO BE?

>> ON COMEDY CENTRAL.

>> YOU CAN'T SAY THOSE

THINGS.

>> OF COURSE WE CAN.

WATCH ME, [BLEEP].

>> YEAH.

GIVE I IT UP FOR WHOOPY AND

ELIZABETH FROM THE VIEW.

SAY, YOU WATCH THE VIEW,

DON'T YOU?

>> NO.

>> YEAH, WHO ARE THOSE GUYS?

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