Tuesday, October 25, 2016

  • 10/25/2016

Brandon Johnson, Mary Lynn Rajskub and David Koechner list #BaseballBands, hear from former President George W. Bush (Will Ferrell) and comment on political artwork.

The #HashtagWars.

(cheers and applause)

After almost 3,000 years,

the Chicago Cubs are finallyplaying in the World Series.

-(laughter) -As you know,Chicago isn't just a city.

It's also a band,and that band-- Chicago!

(brass plays Chicago's"25 Or 6 to 4")

-So, as far...-(laughter)

-Chicago!-(brass plays "25 Or 6 to 4")

All right, good. All right.

As far as I'm concerned,

baseball and bandscould not be more related.

That is why tonight's hashtagis #BaseballBands.

Examples might bePitbull Pen,

or Guns N' Pete Roses,

or Yogi Berra Naked Ladies.

I want to put 60 seconds...

-Chicago.-(brass plays "25 Or 6 to 4")

Nice. All right.I'm gonna put...

They... just, like, a good...

You want a horn section,they (bleep) got it. Chicago.

-(brass plays "25 Or 6 to 4")-Yeah.

You know, I like '70s rock,but I need more horns.

-Chicago's got you covered.-(brass plays "25 Or 6 to 4")

Yeah! Let's put 60 secondson the clock starting now.

-Mary Lynn.-Bottom of the Nine Inch Nails.

-HARDWICK: All right, points.Very good. -(laughter, applause)

-Koechner.-Strike Three Doors Down.

-HARDWICK: All right, points.-(laughter, applause)

-Mary Lynn.-Uh, Chuck Berry Bonds.

-HARDWICK: All right. Points.-(laughter, applause)

Koechner.

-The Who's On First. -(applause)-All right. Very good.

-Brandon.-Oriole Dirty Bastard!

-HARDWICK: All right, points.-Yes. -(laughter, applause)

-Mary Lynn.-Three Drakes and you're out.

-HARDWICK: Points.-(laughter and applause)

-Brandon.-Marky Mark McGwire.

All right, points.

-(laughter, applause)-Koechner.

-The Chicago White Stripes.-(brass plays "25 Or 6 to 4")

(laughter, applause)

I'm so glad that's a thing now.Uh, Brandon.

-Cincinnati Red Hot ChiliPeppers. -All right, points.

-RAJSKUB: Oh.-(applause and cheering)

Every week on our showduring the election process,

we like to talk to a differentsegment of the American populous

to get their takeon this year's election.

Here to represent the smallbut formidable voting block

of former presidentsof the United States of America

is former president ofthe United States of America,

George W. Bush.

-(applause and cheering)-(presidential fanfare plays)

(applause and cheering swell)

Nice to see you, Chris.

Nice to see you, too.Thank you for coming.

How are you?

Glad to be here.Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

You're a very distinguishedpanel. Yeah.

Yeah. How are you?How are you?

How are you?How are you?

Had a...

-(applause and cheering)-Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you for coming,Mr. President.

Very nice to have you here.

Hello, Chris.

Hello, my fellow Americans.

And hello, people of online,especially...

especially @weedboner69.

(laughter)

He's a funny guy, Chris.

-You should have him on.-All right, well,

we'll definitely consider that,but I have to say,

it is a real honorto have you on this program.

This legitimizes what we dohere. Thank you for coming.

Well, thank you. Thank you.First of all, Chris,

I'd just liketo just say something

-about my cousin Billy Bush.Uh... -(laughter)

He's been in the news a lotlately, uh,

him and that disgraced pumpkin,Donald Trump, uh,

talking on that bus.

And I... I just... I just wantto say one thing.

-We Bushes don't act like that,okay? -(laughter)

We, uh... we have standards.

And we're, uh, we're raiseda certain way.

And we would never,

under any circumstances,

ride a bus.

You know, whenyou're-when you're a Bush,

you ride in a limousineor a Jumpjet.

Or maybe a monster truckcalled Sasquatch Express.

But, uh, you know,

never a bus.It-it boggles the mind.

Yeah, well, listen, there'sa very important distinction,

and I... you know,it's too bad we didn't

find out about that earlier,but a lot of Republicans

have come outagainst Donald Trump, so...

People are confusedabout where you stand.

Where do you stand?

Well, I'll tell you what,Chris, uh,

this-this dunderhead is makingme look great, you know?

Yeah.

I mean, did-did you seewhere I.. where I hugged

Michelle Obama a few weeks ago?

-You see that?-Well, I...

I see where she's almostkind of making a snarky face

and trying to hug you, butyou're not really giving back.

I mean, I'm-I'm kindof affectionately

-leaning into her, like, "Aw..."-Yeah, I guess maybe

a little bit, yeah, you're...

giving her a little lean,but she's sort of...

I think we're bothfeeling like, "This is nice."

I don't know if that...I mean, the look on her face

is sort of like, "Can you(bleep) believe this over here?"

I mean, it's, like, a little...It seems... I...

You know what, though,I don't want to take it away.

I guess it is a sweet moment,it's a sweet moment.

Well... well, it was.

And, uh, I don't know why

you're-you're tryingto debunk it.

-It was a sweet moment.-No, I'm not. I apo...

-Sorry, I apologize.-And let's face it--

the Internet ate it up like a...like a two-for-one deal

at the Cheesecake Factory.

Which, by the way,is a good restaurant

with terrific snacksand appetizers.

And I recommendtheir cheesecake, Chris.

Oh, well.Good recommendation.

Uh...

I mean, ev-everyone...you go to Cheesecake Factory,

-why-why dick around, you know?-Yeah, it's good. Don't...

-Just go right...-Just go right to it,

-Just go right to it.-Yeah, yeah. I mean...

-There's no reason...-No, you're right,

you're absolutely right.It's not...

It's not Chicken Factory

-or Steak Factory.-Exactly.

-You're the only onewho gets it, man. -Yeah.

-I'm upset now.-I mean, I...

That picture was so cute,even I almost forgot

about how I invaded Iraqover WMDs that weren't there.

I destabilizedan entire region, Chris,

but... but no oneseems to care anymore.

And, uh...

thanks to the-the bozoTrump here,

uh, yeah,

folks have forgotten abouthow I tanked the economy

or how I-I didn'tget bin Laden.

Heck, you know, Kanye West evensaid I hated hurricanes.

But... all forgotten now.

-You know? -All gone.Yeah, it's all good, so...

Okay, so, this is aninteresting thesis statement.

You're saying Trumpis improving your image.

So, does that... does that meanthat you're supporting him?

He-he's a-he'sa dangerous man, Chris.

And, uh, back in Texas,where I'm from,

bo-born and raised...

you don't talk about womenthe way he does.

We-we got a... got a funnykind of justice down there.

Uh, some might even sayit's illegal.

But, uh, but if he ever

tried jammin' hisTic Tac-covered cow tongue

down a lady's throat in Texas,

we'd give him what we callthe Amarillo steak and eggs.

That's where, uh,that's where you cook him up

a nice T-bone steak,medium rare,

with scrambled eggsand a side of grits,

and then you drag himwith your truck.

-HARDWICK: Oh, okay. All right.-Yeah.

Good to know.That's just what...

That's how...that's how they do it.

And now he's sayingthe election's rigged.

The only thing that's rigged

is-is that stuffed chupacabraon top of his head.

I don't know howhe keeps it on there,

but I-I sure hopeHillary knocks it off.

-(cheering, applause) -Yeah.-HARDWICK: Oh. Oh, well, that...

Okay, that's...that's really interesting.

So that-so that meansyou're endorsing Hillary, then?

Well, I... well, eh... I...

Look... I'm notthe decider, Chris.

Yeah, I know, but I just...I feel like so many Bushes

have alreadyindicated their support,

including your daughterBarbara Bush,

your wife Laura Bush,

your father and former presidentGeorge H.W. Bush,

Gavin Rossdale,the lead singer of Bush,

the dog fromthe Bush's Baked Beans ad,

almost every roller coasteroperator at Busch Gardens,

this Bush near the I-80outside Akron.

So... what aboutthis last square here?

What about George W. Bush? Areyou endorsing Hillary?

What are you doing?

-Look at my wife's hat.-Well...

That wa... I-I wasasking if you're...

-She looks almost Britishy,you know? -Yeah, yeah, she...

She-she looks very Britishy,but I-but I was asking

-who you're supporting, and...-I'm sorry, Chris,

-I wasn't paying attention.I was just... -Okay.

...meresmerized by my...

She... It look likeshe'd be part of the cast

-of Downton Abbey. -Yeah, shedoes. Yeah, she definitely...

looks like the castof Downton Abbey.

I-Is it a hat that you wouldthink maybe a president

that you might want to see

in the White Housewould wear, or...

I still don't knowwhat you're driving towards.

-Uh...-Okay, all right.

I'll take world history for 400.

All right.

Fair.

Very fair. Okay.

World history it is.

In the 2016presidential election,

George W. Bushendorsed this candidate.

Look, Chris...

if Trump takes this thing,

Laura and I havea very comfortable

underground bunkerwe can move to, okay?

It's got a mini fridgefor snacks and sodas

and a much largerwalk-in freezer

with thousandsof Hungry-Man dinners.

Uh, we have every season

of Just Shoot M on DVD,

so I'm gonna be down therewith, uh, Princess Kate

and Nolan Ryanwhile society gets overrun

by wild dogs and racists.

My advice isdon't let that happen, America.

Don't let thatsack of rotten sweet potatoes

anywhere near the White House,you know?

-HARDWICK: All right, so...-(cheering, applause)

I mean, those arevery strong words.

So, that's a yes for Hillary?

Truth be told, I have...

I have a-a strictno-endorsement policy

since I got burned on a dealbefore I was governor of Texas.

-Oh, yeah.-Yeah.

Yeah, I remember that.

I mean, I loved...I loved them dang pants.

-Yeah. -It's hard not to, andyou now you have a lot of 'em.

President George W. Bush, thankyou so much for being here.

Uh, do you have time to stickaround and play a game with us

-after the break?-Of course I've got time.

-What-what do you thinkI'm doing here, Chris? -Okay.

-(cheering, applause)-All... all I have...

Yeah.

I mean, literally,

all I have is time.

I mean, you're gonna be luckyif I even leave today.

Okay, well, I...

I'm glad you're sticking around.We're happy to have you here.

We'll be right back withformer president George W. Bush

and more @midnight. Stick around.

Welcome back to @midnight.

It is time for Political Arties.

-Uh...-(cheering, applause)

we are now joined by,uh, President George W. Bush,

uh, who is a manof many talents--

inventing words,not getting shot by Cheney,

doing 9/11s-- but one of hismost impressive skills

is painting, you guys.Recently, Dubs announced

that he would be publishinga book of portraits,

joining countless people online

who proudly show off their art

when, you know,maybe-maybe they shouldn't.

In honor of thispresidential painting,

I'm gonna show you a portrait ofa politician from the Internet,

you answer a question about it.

First up, a page fromsexy Bernie coloring book

by Nicole Daddona.

Oh, yeah, what's he doing?He's... hanging out,

he's just making biscuitsor something.

What is... what is hunk Bernie'ssecret to getting buff?

Mary Lynn.

Lifting the middle class.

All right, points.Good-good answer. Very...

-Hey, Chris?-Yeah?

Be-because the only one percenthe accepts is body fat.

-All right, poi...-Nice. -Whoa!

-Very good, very good.-Nice.

That's not safe, but very good.David Koechner.

You know how he is does it--PX90 years old.

All right, very good.Yeah, points. Clever.

Brandon.

He was bit bya 75-year-old radioactive man.

-All right, points. Very good.-Oh. Good. -Yeah, thank you.

Buzzer.

Okay, you don'thave to say "buzzer."

Uh... but you can... you know,you can do whatever you want.

You're president,you can do whatever you want.

Uh, what-what do you...what do you think?

He does the Paleo diet,because that's when he was born.

All right, points.That's a good one.

Yeah, points.Points for President Bush.

Next one, a classic visionof Hillary Clinton.

Right there.

So, instead of the girl withthe pearl earring, who is this?

-(bell dings)-Uh, Koechner?

Uh, the girl with the husbandthat gave the pearl necklace.

All right, all right.

-Points.-(cheering)

-Buzzer.-No.

Uh, President-President Bush.

Chris, I'm going to usemy life line on this one.

Well, there's no...I mean, you could,

but we're not set up to do that.

-Call my college roommate.-Okay.

David Archer.

All right.

David, are you there?

-We don't, uh, we don't...-David?

He's not...

(laughter)

He's not... he's not goingto be there, I'm afraid.

Never mind, David,it's too complicated to explain.

Take care, buddy.

Uh, points to President Bush.

(laughter, applause)

-Come on!-Got to give him points.

(cheering)

-Look, I...-Next,

this classic paintingby Illma Gore.

Sorry, we had to put a black boxdown there, but what is, uh...

That's what the Internet callsa microaggression.

What is the title of this piece?

Mary Lynn?

Trump's presidential portrait.

All right.

Oh, that would be rightin the Oval Office.

-It's true.-Points.

David.

That is a shaved Billy bush.

(laughter)

Points. Well done.

Yeah. Yep.

Brandon.

That is a big dickwith a little dick.

All right, points.

-(applause)-Points.

(cheering)

Uh, President Bush?

I would entitle it, uh,

"The won't make a womanMona Lisa."

(laughter)

(applause)

-Just fun.-Points.

Hey, Chris,are we having fun or what?

We're having a good time.

We are havinga good time.

Is that by Leonardo De-pinchy?Come on, you guys.

Let's have...We're having fun up here.

-We're having fun.-That's great. That's great.

That's what we do.

You've got to come outmore often.

BUSH: It's right up my alley.

You need to get out of the housemore often.

Finally...

Finally, this self portraitof W. by W.

Uh, there he is.

What is George thinkingin this picture?

-(bell dings)-David?

Uh, with all due respect, uh,Mr. Former President,

um, I can only conjure,

if I try to think of whatyou were thinking, uh...

(as Bush): Nice try,Dick Cheney, the joke's on you.

You can't sneak up on mein the bathroom anymore.

(laughter)

(applause)

Because I installed a mirror.

HARDWICK:Yeah.

But the real magic

is the tiny suction cupsthat hold you in place.

-Yeah, point... points.-I don't...

It's somethingalong those lines.

(cheering, applause)

HARDWICK: It might be the titleof the painting.

It's definitelyin the ballpark. Yeah.

-(laughter)-All right.

(laughing):Mary Lynn.

-Listen, I regret my answer.-I can take it.

I didn't think you were goingto be here, Mr. President.

I can take it.I've heard a lot worse,

whatever you're going to say.

Um, you see yourselfin the mirror.

You see the water,and you think, "Wait a second.

Did I do 9/11?"

(laughter)

-All right.-Why it's too real.

-Yeah. All right. No.-It's too real.

You're a-you're a nasty woman.

(laughter)

(applause)

Points. Brandon Johnson.

I know you didn't mean it.

Nah, I don't.I'm just...

Once again,we're just having fun.

HARDWICK:We're just having a good time.

No, I-I meant 9/11.You didn't mean...

-(laughter)-Oh, 9/11.

(laughter)

I don't, I...

It's real!

(bleep) just got real!

Oh, Mary Lynn,I'm sorry, I have to...

No, you seem...you seem very upset.

-They're attached to my body!-I know, I know.

Okay, okay, please.I get it.

You can't...They're not balloons.

I know, we can't...I know, it's very exciting.

-They're attached.-It's very exciting.

They're not balloonsin the sky, Chris.

No, there's no balloons hereattacking you.

You're fine.

-You're all fine!-These are a full "A" cup.

Guys, stop making herthink balloons

are attacking her, please.

She's very sensitive. Uh...

(laughter)

President Bush,what were you thinking here?

I mean, here's the simple truth.

What I was thinking was,"I'm taking a shower, man.

Get out." You know? So...

But you're the one thinking it,though.

Well...

I'm going to give you point,President Bush.

I'm going to thank you so muchfor being here tonight.

It was an honor to have youon the show.

Well, you know what?

Uh, sorry,I can't accept those points

'cause I have to leave anyway.

-What? Wait, what?-Yeah.

Uh, my-my buzzer just rangat The Cheesecake Factory,

-so my table is ready.-Oh. Oh, right.

-So, uh... -Are you goingto get the cheesecake?

-I'm going to getthe cheesecake. -(cheering)

Cheesecake. Yeah, it's good.It's good there.

All right, well,thank you, President Bush.

-It was lovely to have you here.-Thank you.