Kumail Nanjiani, Jen Kirkman, Kyle Kinane, Al Madrigal

  • Season 2, Ep 6
  • 04/28/2011

Jen Kirkman tries a new brand of jeans, and Kyle Kinane once saw a remarkable intersection of Cheddar Bay Biscuit fans and Michael Jackson fans.

RECENTLY.

WE WERE TALKING.

IT TURNED OUT SHE WASA CHILDHOOD FRIEND

OF PRESIDENT OBAMA'S,AND I SAID TO HER,

"WELL, THAT MUST BE AMAZING THENFOR YOU

"TO WATCH YOUR FRIEND,THE BOY YOU GREW UP WITH

"SWEAR INTO OFFICEAND TO SEE THE KIND OF REACTIONS

"HE GETS FROM PEOPLE.

IT MUST BE VERY WEIRDTO WATCH THAT."

AND SHE SAID,"EH, YOU KNOW.

I DON'T THINKIT'S THAT BIG A DEAL."

AND I REALIZED, WOW,SO IT IS DEFINITELY TRUE THEN

YOU CAN NEVER IMPRESSYOUR FRIENDS,

EVEN IF YOU BECOME THE FIRSTAFRICAN-AMERICAN PRESIDENT

OF THE UNITED STATES,

THEY'RE JUST NOT GONNA GIVE YOUA PROPS FOR THAT.

HAIL TO THE CHIEF.WHATEVER.

I SAW YOU CRY OVER A GIRL.

(laughter)

IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,I WILL STAY SITTING DOWN.

WHY DID THESE PRESIDENTSWANT TO BE PRESIDENT?

IT'S A TERRIBLE JOB.

THE VERY FACT HE WANTEDTO BE PRESIDENT

SHOULD HAVE INSTANTLY RULED HIMOUT OF EVER HOLDING THAT OFFICE

AS IT DEMONSTRATESA CATASTROPHIC LACK OF JUDGMENT.

AND I THINK HE'S STARTINGTO SEE THAT NOW.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU SAW HIMA COUPLE OF MONTHS AGO.

HE WAS AT THE U.N. FORTHE MIDDLE EAST PEACE SUMMIT

AND HE WAS SITTING AT A TABLEBETWEEN NETANYAHU OF ISRAEL

AND MAHMOUD ABBAS OF PALESTINE

AND HE HAD A LOOK ON HIS EYES,I'VE ONLY EVER PREVIOUSLY SEEN

ON THE FACEOF A FRUSTRATED ZOOKEEPER...

(laughter)

WHO IS TIRED OF TRYINGTO CONVINCE TWO PANDAS

THAT HATE EACH OTHERTO MATE.

"COME ON, LING LI!

"IT'S FOR THE FUTUREOF THE (bleep) SPECIES!

"YOU'RE REALLY NOT AS DIFFERENTAS YOU THINK YOU ARE!

"LET'S EACH THINK OF FIVE THINGSTHAT WE LIKE

"ABOUT THE OTHER PANDA

AND LET'S TRYAND MOVE FORWARD FROM THERE!"

DEMOCRACYIS LIKE A TAMBOURINE.

NOT EVERYONECAN BE TRUSTED WITH IT.

(laughter)

THE LONGER WE HAVE DEMOCRACY,THE LESS WE CARE ABOUT IT.

IT'S LIKE GOLDFISH.

IT'S A NOVELTY AT FIRST.

THEN IT QUICKLY BECOMESAN OBLIGATION.

(laughter)

THE PROBLEM WITH DEMOCRACY,ESPECIALLY RECENTLY

WITH THE MIDTERM ELECTIONSIS THIS SHEER LEVEL

OF WHACKJOBBERY ON OFFERIN TERMS OF THE CANDIDATES.

LOOK AT CHRISTINE O'DONELL.

NOW, SHE'S ENTITLEDTO HER VIEWS.

I THINK DEEP DOWN,WE'D ALL AGREE WITH THAT.

ONE OF HER VIEWS,FOR INSTANCE,

IS SHE'S NOT A FANOF THE ART OF MASTURBATION.

AND IT IS AN ART.IT IS AN ART.

(laughter)

SORRY, I TAKE THAT BACK.

IT CAN BE AN ART.

WHEN PRACTICED WITH FLAIR.

NOW SHE CAN THINK THAT,OF COURSE.

SHE CAN SAY THAT.

THE PROBLEMS COME WHEN SHESTARTS TO EXTEND THOSE VIEWS

TO A POINT THAT'S JUSTSCIENTIFICALLY INCORRECT.

FOR INSTANCE, THIS WAS A QUOTEOF HERS FROM THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL.

SHE SAID, "LUST IN YOUR HEARTIS COMMITTING ADULTERY.

AND YOU CANNOT MASTURBATEWITHOUT LUST."

NOW I'M SORRY...

BUT THAT IS SIMPLYNOT TRUE.

(laughter)

IT IS ENTIRELY POSSIBLETO MASTURBATE

OUT OF SHEER BOREDOM.

(laughter and applause)

AND FOR HER TO IMPLY OTHERWISEIS NOT OKAY

AND IS TO IGNOREWHAT IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW

IN HOTEL ROOMS ACROSS AMERICA--

LONELY MIDDLE-AGED BUSINESSMENMASTURBATING

OUT OF A LACKOF ANYTHING ELSE TO DO.

"THERE'S NOTHING ON.THERE IS NOTHING ON.

I'VE SEEN 'THE HANGOVER.'

OKAY.I GUESS WE SHOULD DO THIS."

(laughter)

SHE'S NOT IN TOUCHWITH HER ELECTORATE.

NOW...

(laughter)

AN INTERESTING SIDE NOTETO THAT JOKE

IS I RECENTLY DID IT HEREIN NEW YORK

AT A BENEFIT GIGFOR RELIGIOUS TOLERANCE

AND LOOK,WE CAN GO BACK AND FORTH

DEBATING WHETHER IT WAS THE TIMEOR THE PLACE FOR THAT JOKE.

(laughter)

IT'S TOO SOON TO--HISTORY WILL BE MY JUDGE.

BUT IT WASA VERY DIVERSE CROWD.

THERE WERE A LOTOF MUSLIM PEOPLE IN THERE,

AND THERE WAS A WOMAN ATTHE FRONT SITTING MORE OR LESS

RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE,AND SHE WAS WEARING HIJAB,

AND SHE WAS LAUGHINGBUT HAD A HAND OVER HER MOUTH

BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T WANT ANYONETO SEE THAT SHE WAS LAUGHING

AT A JOKE THAT WAS THAT RUDE,AND I SAID TO HER,

"PLEASE MOVE YOUR HAND AWAY.PLEASE MOVE YOUR HAND.

"LOOK. LOOK AROUND YOU.YOU'RE IN A COMEDY CLUB.

YOU'RE JUST NOTTHAT GOOD A MUSLIM."

(laughter)AND--

AND THERE WAS A STONE SILENCEMUCH LIKE THE ONE

YOU ENJOYED THERE FOLLOWEDBY A WAVE

OF THE MOST CATHARTIC LAUGHTERI'VE EVER HEARD.

SHE THREW HER HEAD BACKLAUGHING,

AND LOOKING AT HER,I HAD A LUMP IN MY THROAT.

AND I REALIZEDIT CANNOT BE EASY

BEING A MUSLIM INAMERICA AT THE MOMENT

WITH SOME OF THE CRAZIER VIEWSTHAT ARE AVAILABLE TO YOU.

FOR INSTANCE, THERE ARE SOMEPEOPLE IN AMERICA

THAT CANNOT TELLTHE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MUSLIMS

OF WHICH THERE ARE HUNDREDSOF MILLIONS

AND TERRORISTS.

NOW JUST THINK FOR A SECOND

ABOUT QUITEHOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS.

THAT'S LIKE IF THE MUSLIM WORLDCOULD NOT DIFFERENTIATE

BETWEEN AMERICAN PEOPLE

AND PROFESSIONALBASEBALL PLAYERS.

(laughter)

(applause)VERY, VERY FEW AMERICANS

ARE PROFESSIONALBASEBALL PLAYERS

AND IT'S ALSO IMPORTANTTO POINT OUT

THAT NOT ALL PROFESSIONALBASEBALL PLAYERS

ARE ACTUALLY AMERICAN.

(laughter)

THAT'S A BETTER JOKETHAN YOU GAVE IT CREDIT FOR,

BUT I DON'T WANT TO--I DON'T WANT TO ARGUE.

THE POINT IS--THE POINT IS,

SHOULD WE BE AS FRIGHTENEDOF TERRORISTS AS WE ARE?

I WOULD ARGUE NOBECAUSE WHILE, YES, ON ONE HAND,

TERRORISTS ARE SCARY,ON THE OTHER HAND,

THEY ARE ALSO(bleep) IDIOTS,

AND THAT SHOULD GIVE US A SENSEOF CALM IN A WAY.

I CAN PROVE THIS TO YOUIF THAT'S WHAT YOU NEED.

SIX MONTHS AGOIN SAUDI ARABIA,

A SUICIDE BOMBER MANAGED TO GETCLOSE TO A SAUDI PRINCE

AND HE DID THIS BY HIDINGA BOMB INSIDE HIM.

HE MANAGED TO GET EXPLOSIVESAND A DETONATOR INSIDE HIS ANUS

AND HE DETONATED THAT BOMBKILLING NOBODY

APART FROM HIMSELF.

A LOT.

(laughter)

AND...

WHEN I FIRST HEARDTHAT STORY,

MY INSTINCTIVE REACTIONWAS THAT IS DEFINITELY

THE WORLD'S GREATESTMISSED OPPORTUNITY

FOR A-PULL-MY-FINGER JOKE.

(laughter and applause)

DO IT.

DO IT. DO IT.

IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK IT IS.DO IT. DO IT.

I PROMISE, I PROMISEIT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK IT IS.

PLEASE, PLEASE DO IT.PLEASE DO IT.

(laughter)

BUT IN A WAY, THAT ALSOSHOWS WHAT WE'RE UP AGAINST

'CAUSE THAT MEANS THAT LAST YEARSOMEWHERE IN THE WORLD,

THERE WAS A MAN IN A WINDOWLESSBASEMENT SOMEWHERE

GRIPPING THE SIDE OF A TABLE

WITH HIS PANTS AROUND HIS ANKLES SAYING, "WAIT! WAIT! WAIT!

"LET ME THINK MYSELFINTO THIS BEFORE WE GO THROUGH.

"I HATE THE WEST.I HATE THE WEST.

"I ABSOLUTELY HATE THE WEST.

"WHO HATES THE WEST? I DO.THAT'S WHY I'M HERE.

"I HATE THE W--WAIT! WAIT!WAIT! WAIT!

"BE GENTLE BACK THERE!

JESUS CHRIST!"

(laughter)

(applause)

BUT I GOT, LIKE,A BAD PIECE OF CHICKEN,

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN,WHERE THERE'S LIKE A LIGAMENT

OR A TENDON IN ITOR SOMETHING?

IT WAS LIKE A WET CRUNCH,AND YOU CAN, LIKE,

FEEL THAT SOMETHING DIEDFOR THIS MEAL, YOU KNOW?

LIKE A BIT OF ITS SOULGOT TRAPPED IN THE TENDON.

WHEN I BIT INTO IT,

IT SHOT ITS FINAL THOUGHTTHROUGH MY BRAIN LIKE,

"I LIKE SUNSHINE.WHAT'S IN YOUR HAND? AHH!"

(laughter)

RUIN YOUR DAY.

COUPLE OF MONTHS AGO,I GOT REALLY INTO HARRY POTTER.

(scattered cheering)HAVE YOU--AH!IT'S REALLY GOOD!

THE BOOKS,I'M NOT DONE WITH THEM.

NO SPOILERS.I'M ON BOOK SIX.

BUT I RESISTED FOR YEARS'CAUSE I WAS LIKE

IF THAT MANY PEOPLE LIKE IT,HOW GOOD COULD IT BE?

PRETTY (bleep) GOOD!(laughter)

IT'S PRETTY (bleep) GOOD!

AND NOT JUST FROMA MAGIC THING, LIKE,

FROM A VICARIOUS STANDPOINT,YOU KNOW?

'CAUSE IT'S THIS KID,HE TRANSFERS,

AND THEN HIS LIFEIS COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.

AND, LIKE, I TRANSFERRED INHIGH SCHOOL AND IT WAS AWFUL.

IT WAS, LIKE,PEOPLE DISLIKED ME

JUST 'CAUSE I WAS NEW.

LIKE ON VALENTINE'S DAY,THESE (bleep) SENT A GIRL

A BOUQUET WITH MY NAME ON THEM

AND THEN A BIRD (bleep)ON MY HEAD,

AND I HIDIN THE LIBRARY ALL DAY.

THAT IS A TRUE STORY.NONE OF THAT IS LIES.

BUT HOW AWESOME WOULDIT HAVE BEEN IF I TRANSFERRED

AND EVERYBODY WAS LIKE, "YOU'RE KUMAIL NANJIANI?

(laughter)

"YOU'RE THE MOST FAMOUS BOYIN THE WORLD!

(laughter)

YOU ARE NOW THE SEEKERON THE QUIDDITCH TEAM."

THEY PLAY QUIDDITCH.

BUT HERE'S MY ONLY THINGWITH HARRY POTTER.

THIS IS MY ONLY ISSUE WITH IT.

SO THEY, UH--THEY GO TO THIS SCHOOL

AND THEY TAKE CLASSES,

LIKE DEFENSE AGAINSTTHE DARK ARTS

AND POTIONS AND DIVINATION,

BUT THEY SHOULD BE TAKING,LIKE, MATH ALSO, RIGHT?

WHY ARE THERE NO MATH TEACHERSAT HOGWARTS?

OR HISTORY OR GEOGRAPHY?

THEY'RE GETTING TESTEDON CARE OF MAGICAL CREATURES.

NEVER HEARD OF THE HOLOCAUST.

(laughter)

IT'S IMPORTANT INFORMATION,I THINK.

AND I DON'T THINK THEY'REGETTING TO IT

IN HISTORY OF MAGIC.

I DON'T THINK THEY'RE LIKE,"IF YOU THINK VOLDEMORT IS EVIL,

"THIS (bleep) GUY.

(laughter)

"AND HE DIDN'T EVEN HAVETHE KILLING CURSE.

HE HAD TO (bleep) DO IT.HE USED ENGINEERING."

"ENGINEERING, IS THAT ONEOF THE UNFORGIVABLE CURSES?"

"NO, IT'S JUST A PRACTICALAPPLICATION OF PHYSICS."

"PHYSICS, IS THAT ONEOF THE UNFORGIVABLE--"

"YES, IT IS."

(laughter)

I JUST MOVED TO CALIFORNIA A FEWMONTHS AGO, AND...

(audience member claps)OKAY.

THEY'RE LIKE,"GLAD YOU'RE GONE!"

(laughter)

AND I DIDN'T REALLY KNOWIT THAT WELL,

AND I HAD A SHOWIN ORANGE COUNTY,

AND WE ALL KIND OF KNOW ITFROM, LIKE,

"THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ORANGECOUNTY, " YOU KNOW, SO--

(scattered cheering)

(laughter)

YOU MIGHT NOT LIKETHIS JOKE.

(laughter)

SO IT HAS A REPUTATION,YOU KNOW?

THEY'RE, LIKE,CLOSE-MINDED, WHATEVER.

SO I WAS KINDA NERVOUS.HOW IS IT GONNA GO?

I WAS KINA NERVOUS. I GET THERE.I GET OUT OF MY CAR.

LITERALLY 10 SECONDSAFTER I GET OUT OF MY CAR,

THIS CAR PULLS UP,THIS GUY POKES HIS HEAD

OUT OF THE WINDOW,YELLS AT ME, HE'S LIKE,

"HEY, KUMAR! WHERE'S HAROLD?"AND DRIVES AWAY.

TEN (bleep) SECONDS.

LIKE, HE'D BEEN WAITINGAROUND THE CORNER FOR WEEKS,

LIKE "I CAN'T WAIT FORA BROWN TO COME TO TOWN!"

(applause)

"I'VE GOT A POP CULTUREREFERENCE

THAT WILL BELITTLE HIM!"

AND I GOT SO ANGRY.

WHENEVER SOMEBODY'S RACISTTO ME, I GET SO ANGRY,

AND I WAS TRYING TO THINK WHYAND I THINK IT'S 'CAUSE

WHEN SOMEBODY'S RACIST TO YOU,THERE ARE NO COMEBACKS.

THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN SAYTO WIN.

'CAUSE WHAT AM I GONNA DO? BERACIST BACK TO THEM?

NO,BECAUSE I'M NOT RACIST,

AND MOST OF THE PEOPLEWHO ARE RACIST TO ME ARE WHITE

AND IT'S VERY TRICKY TO TRYAND BE RACIST TO WHITE PEOPLE.

LIKE, WHAT AM I GONNA BE,LIKE, "OH, I'M KUMAR?

WELL, YOU'RE THE LEAD IN MOSTMOVIES THAT COME OUT."

(laughter)

SLAM!

I THINK ABOUT IT FOR NIGHTS.LITERALLY, I CAN'T SLEEP.

LIKE, THREE NIGHTS LATER,I'LL BE IN BED, LIKE, AWAKE,

THAT GUY WAS SO RACIST TO ME.

HE CALLED ME KUMAR, WHICH ISPRETTY CLOSE TO MY NAME.

(laughter)

THAT'S JUSTA (bleep) COINCIDENCE.

THAT'S THE ONLY REASONI WANNA BE FAMOUS.

I WANNA BE SO FAMOUS THAT I'MTHE POP CULTURE REFERENCE

THAT PEOPLE WOULD MAKE

TO TRY AND BE RACIST TO ME,YOU KNOW?

SO I'LL BE WALKING DOWNTHE STREET,

AND A CAR WOULD PULL UPAND BE LIKE,

"HEY, LOOK AT THISKUMAIL NANJIANI.

OH, (bleep),THAT IS KUMAIL NANJIANI!"

THANK YOU FOR KNOWING MY NAME.

BRENDAN FRASER?I DON'T KNOW.

HE'S THE WHITEST GUYI COULD THINK OF.

OH, I'M GONNA TELLYOU GUYS A LITTLE STORY

ABOUT HOW I GAINED 30 POUNDSIN A YEAR AND A HALF.

AND I KNOW YOU GUYSWHO ARE LIKE, "OH, MY GOD, JEN,

YOU GAINED 30 POUNDS.I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

WHEN YOU CAME OUT, I WAS LIKE,WHY IS A MODEL DOING STAND-UP?"

BUT DON'T LAUGHTHAT HARD AT THAT.

I'VE LOST MOST OF THE WEIGHT,BUT HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED.

EVERYONE SAID TO METHE SAME THING

WHEN I GAINED ALL MY WEIGHT,THEY WERE LIKE,

"WELL, IT'S JUST 'CAUSEYOU GOT MARRIED.

"YOU'RE A NEWLYWEDAND YOU'RE HAPPY.

THAT'S WHY YOU GAINED WEIGHT,"AND I WAS LIKE, OH,

I THOUGHT I GAINED THE WEIGHTBECAUSE EVERY NIGHT

I SIT IN THE FRONT OF THE TVEATING A BLOCK OF CHEESE

WITH MY BARE HANDSLIKE IT'S A SANDWICH.

OH, ALL RIGHT.

AND IT GOT TO THE POINT WHEREI COULDN'T WEAR PANTS ANYMORE

'CAUSE WHEN I SAT DOWN,IT LOOKED LIKE

ONE OF THOSE CRESCENT ROLLSTHAT YOU MAKE

AND IT'S JUST KIND OF BUSTINGOUT, YEAH,

SO I HAD TO SORT OF--DON'T--IT'S FINE, IT'S NOT ANYMORE.

BUT I HAD TO START WEARINGSHIRT DRESSES, WHICH IS JUST--

YOU KNOW, YOU MIGHT AS WELLGIVE UP AT THAT POINT,

BUT I HAD TO GO TO WORK,AND EVERY DAY AT WORK

THIS WOMAN WOULD SAY TO ME,"OOH, A DRESS.

WHAT DO YOU GOT GOING ONTONIGHT?"

AND I'D GO, "OH, N--MY PANTS DON'T FIT.

THERE'S NOTHING GOING ON."

AND EVERY DAY SHE WOULD SAYTHAT TO ME, "OOH, A DRESS.

WHAT DO YOU GOT GOINGON TONIGHT?"

UNTIL I JUST SNAPPED,AND I'M LIKE,

"I GOT FAT GOING ON!THAT'S WHAT I GOT GOING ON!

"I'M GOING HOME TONIGHTTO BE FAT!

NOTHING IS GOING ON!"

SO ONE DAY I'M LIKE,

"GOD, I WOULD LOVETO WEAR JEANS AGAIN."

AND SO...I DECIDED IT WAS TIME TO BUY

A PAIROF NOT YOUR DAUGHTER'S JEANS.

NO, I KNOW.

IT'S SUCH A SAD,SAD BRAND OF JEAN.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU GUYSARE FAMILIAR WITH THESE JEANS.

THEY'RE MADE FOR MOMS

WHO HAVE WRECKED THEIR BODYWITH CHILDBIRTH.

THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO MAKE YOULOOK A SIZE THINNER.

THEY GO UP TO HERE.

I DON'T HAVE A KID.I DON'T WANT A KID.

BUT IT WAS TIME FORNOT YOUR DAUGHTER'S JEANS.

AND THEY TRY TO MAKE ITSOUND COOL, TOO.

THEY SOMETIMES CALL THEMNYDJ,

LIKE THEY'RE FOOLING SOMEONE,LIKE YOU'RE GONNA GO,

"OH, YOU KNOW WHO WEARS THESE?NEW YORK DISK JOCKEYS."

(laughter)YEAH.

AND IT'S NOT EVEN LIKETHE OLD OLDSMOBILE ADS

WHERE IT'S LIKE "THIS ISN'TYOUR FATHER'S OLDSMOBILE"

'CAUSE THAT WAS, LIKE,COOL, YOU KNOW.

YOU'RE SAYING TO THE KIDS,"HEY, KIDS.

YOUR DAD'S CAR'S DUMB.WE GOT A COOL ONE FOR YOU."

BUT NOT YOUR DAUGHTER'S JEANS,IS, LIKE,

INSULTING TO THE PERSONWEARING THEM, YOU KNOW?

"OH, THESE AREN'TYOUR DAUGHTER'S JEANS.

"NO, NO, NO.YOUR DAUGHTER'S HOT.

"YEAH, YOUR DAUGHTER'S A--YOUR DAUGHTER'S A SIZE ZERO.

"SHE DOESN'T NEED BODY SHAPERSOR SPANX.

"SHE JUST SLIDESINTO SKINNY JEANS

"THE WAY YOU SLIDEINTO SWEAT PANTS.

OH, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO."

SO I GO TO THE MALL TO GETTHE NOT YOUR DAUGHTER'S JEANS,

AND I MET WITH ONE OF THESEDAUGHTER TYPES AT THE COUNTER,

YOU KNOW, AND I'M LIKE,

"I NEED A PAIR OF NOTYOUR DAUGHTER'S JEANS,"

AND SHE GOES,"WHAT'S THAT?"

AND I GO..."THEY'RE JEANS...

"FOR MOMS.

"LISTEN, LADY...

"YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THEYARE NOW BUT YOU WILL SOMEDAY.

THIS HIGH-METABOLISM RIDEISN'T GONNA LAST FOREVER."

I'LL TELL YOU THAT RIGHT NOW,"AND SHE GOES,

"OH, DO YOU HAVE KIDS?"

AND I GO, "NO,I HAVE A CANDY DRAWER!"

(laughter)

AND SHE GOES,"WE DON'T HAVE THOSE JEANS,

"BUT I HAVE A SUGGESTION.

"WHY DON'T YOU JUST BUYTHE BRAND YOU NORMALLY WEAR

BUT IN, LIKE,FOUR SIZES BIGGER?"

AND I'M LIKE, "WHY DON'T I GOTO HOME DEPOT,

"GET SOME ROPEAND HANG MYSELF?

I THOUGHT OF THAT,LADY."

SO AFTER YELLING AT THE CASHIER,I'M, LIKE,

I WORKED UP A GOOD SWEAT,

I'M JUST GONNA GETA FROZEN YOGURT.

SO I'M WALKING BACK TO MY CARIN THE PARKING LOT AT THE MALL,

I'M IN MY HOUSE DRESS EATINGA FROZEN YOGURT,

AND THERE'S A NOTE ON MY CAR,AND THE NOTE SAYS,

"I THOUGHT YOU WERE PRETTY.

LOVE, DAVE(THE GUY IN THE VAN)."

(laughter)

THE "GUY IN THE VAN"IS NOT SOMETHING YOU WANNA HEAR

AS A WOMAN IN A MALL,OKAY?

I WAS LIKE...

"WHERE'S THE VAN?WHERE'S THE VAN?"

BECAUSE A WOMAN--I DID NOT WANNA GET MURDERED,

AND I DEFINITELYDID NOT WANNA GET MURDERED

AT AN UNDESIRABLE WEIGHT,YOU KNOW?

ALL I COULD PICTUREWAS THAT

THERE WAS A LINE OF WHITE VANSAND GUYS IN THEM

HOLDING THEIR PENISES WATCHINGALL THESE HOT DAUGHTERS WALK BY

IN THEIR SIZE-ZERO JEANS LIKE,"EGH!"

AND THEN I WALK BYIN MY HOUSE DRESS,

AND THEY'RE LIKE, "OH, MY GOD!WHAT IS THAT?

SOME KIND OF MOTHEROR SOMETHING?!"

AND THEN DAVE'SIN THERE LIKE,

"SOCIETY PUTS ENOUGH PRESSURE ON WOMEN, YOU GUYS!

"WE WILL NOT DO THIS TO HER!I'M GONNA LEAVE HER A NOTE!

SHE HAS TWO DESSERTS!I THINK SHE'S PRETTY!"

WE'RE ALL FRIENDS HERE.

THAT BEING SAID,IT SHOULD COME AS NO SURPRISE

WHEN I TELL YOU THAT I BELONGTO A FACEBOOK FAN PAGE

FOR RED LOBSTERCHEDDAR BAY BISCUITS.

(laughterand scattered applause)

FOR OBVIOUS REASONS--THEY'RE DELICIOUS,

THEY'RE CHEDDARY,THEY'RE A PERFECT PRELUDE

TO YOUR ENTREE,WHATEVER YOU MIGHT BE HAVING.

ALSO IN MY HEART OF HEARTS,I HOPE THAT SOMEWHERE

IN THIS WORLD THERE REALLY ISA GEOGRAPHIC LOCATION

KNOWN AS CHEDDAR BAY.

(laughter)

SOMEWHERE MAYBE NORTHOF NOVA SCOTIA

WHERE THE SAILORS CAN GUIDETHEIR WEARY VESSELS

INTO THE CHEESY WAVES

AND THE SALTY FOGWILL HIT THEM,

AND THEY'RE ALL BE CARRYINGTREASURES AND NECKLACES

FOR THEIR PORT LOVERSBY THE NAME OF BRANDY.

(laughter)

THAT BEING SAID,I WAS PRIVY TO WITNESS SOMETHING

BY BEING A MEMBEROF THAT FAN PAGE.

FOR WHATEVER REASON,THE DAY MICHAEL JACKSON DIED,

THE CHEDDAR BISCUIT FAN PAGEBECAME AN UNOFFICIAL FORUM

FOR MOURNING THE LOSSOF A RECORDING LEGEND.

I HAVE NO IDEA WHY,BUT THAT DAY,

THE VENN DIAGRAMOF CHEDDAR BAY BISCUIT FANS

AND MICHAEL JACKSON FANSECLIPSED ITSELF.

(applause)THEY FOUND EACH OTHER.

AND I DON'T KNOW--I DON'T KNOW IF THAT'S

A TRUE MARK THAT AS A SOCIETY,WE'RE GONNA MAKE IT

'CAUSE THAT'S TECHNOLOGYAND HUMAN COMPASSION

INTERTWININGTO SUPPORT ONE ANOTHER

OR IF THAT'S A CLEAR SIGNOF END OF TIMES.

I DON'T KNOW, BUT ALL I KNOWIS YOU GO ON ON THE DAY--

IT IS HUNDREDS OF COMMENTSOF PEOPLE JUST EULOGIZING

THE DEATHOF THE KING OF POP,

JUST, "OH, MY GOD, MIKE. OH,R.I.P., MICHAEL, WE LOVE YOU.

YOUR MUSIC MEANT SO MUCH."

JUST DOZENS, DOZENS.

THE THING IS, THOUGH,EVERY 60 OR 70 COMMENTS,

SOMEBODY WILL LOG IN AND LEAVE A COMMENT

THAT CLEARLY HAD NOT HEARDTHE NEWS YET.

SO LIKE COMMENT 63WILL BE LIKE,

"OH, MY GOD, MICHAEL JACKSON,YOU MEANT SO MUCH.

R.I.P., REST IN PEACE.GOOD LUCK IN HEAVEN, MAN."

AND THEN COMMENT 64 WOULDJUST LIKE SOMEBODY GOING,

"MAN, CHEDDAR BAY BISCUITSARE THE (bleep), AM I RIGHT?!"

AND THE THING IS IT WOULD BESO QUICKLY POLICED

BY THE CHEDDAR BISCUITCOMMUNITY, THOUGH,

'CAUSE YOU COULD SEETHE TIME CODE BY MINUTE,

AND LIKE A MINUTE AFTER SOMEBODYWOULD JUST BE LIKE,

"CHEDDAR BISCUITSARE THE (bleep),"

A MINUTE LATER,SOMEBODY YOU COULD TELL

WAS JUST LIKE(inhales deeply)

"LISTEN, DUDE, TODAY'SNOT ABOUT CHEDDAR BISCUITS.

TODAY'S ABOUT M.J., OKAY?"

LIKE, THEY WERE ANGRYBUT THEY KNEW, "OKAY,

HE DOESN'T KNOW,HE DOESN'T KNOW,"

AND YOU COULD FEELTHE REMORSE EMANATE.

YOU COULD JUST FEEL THAT GUY,LIKE, "I AM SO SORRY.

"I JUST--I WAKE UP,I STRETCH,

"AND I LOG ON TO MYCHEDDAR BISCUITS FAN PAGE

"AND SEE WHAT MY BROTHERSAND SISTERS ARE UP TO.

"I DO NOT GOTO NATIONAL NEWS SITES.

I COME HERE TO EXPRESS JOYOUT OF THIS APPETIZER,"

AND I DON'T KNOW IF THAT'SBEAUTIFUL OR TERRIFYING

BUT IT'S SOMETHING, MAN,I DON'T KNOW.

(applause)THANKS.

WELL, I DON'T KNOWIF I'M ENJOY--

I'M ENJOYING WATCHINGMY FRIENDS GET OLDER,

LIKE,ESPECIALLY THE WEIRD ONES.

I'M REALLY HAVING A GOOD--I MEAN,

THE FRIENDS THAT GET OLDERAND JUST HAVE KIDS,

THAT'S A DRAG,BUT THE ONES THAT WERE--

THE ONES THAT WERE KIND OF WEIRDWHERE YOU'RE ALL LIKE,

"COME ON, DRINK SOME DISH SOAP.COME ON, IT'LL BE FUN,"

LIKE THOSE ONES ARE JUST GOING,BOOM,

WAY OUT OF ORBIT RIGHT NOW,AND THAT IS A GREAT TIME.

WHEN YOU'RE ON YOUR 30s,AND YOU GOT FRIENDS GOING--

I GOT TO GO SEE MY FRIEND GREGEVERY TIME I GO BACK TO CHICAGO

'CAUSE HE'S THE ONE GUYTHAT'S LIKE, "(bleep) IT, MAN.

I'M STAYING CRAZY,"AND I'M LIKE, "YES,

I NEED YOU TO BE HERE.I NEED HIM THERE."

HE IS LIKE DAVY CROCKETT

DEFENDING THE ALAMOOF GOOD TIMES WHEN I GO BACK.

HE'S JUST ON THE RIDGEWITH A RIFLE.

"WHAT DO YOU GOT A MORTGAGE,2.5 KIDS?

"(bleep) THAT, MAN,I GOT A STUDIO APARTMENT

"THAT JUST HAS ELECTRIC GUITARSAND CHRISTMAS LIGHTS IN IT.

THAT'S HOW I'M DOING IT, MAN.STAYING WEIRD."

GREG--TO SUM UP GREG QUICKLY,

GREG LAST SUMMER BROKE HIS ARM'CAUSE HE FELL OF HIS BICYCLE

'CAUSE HE WAS TRYINGTO TEXT MESSAGE SOMEBODY

ABOUT THE BEST HASH BROWNSHE FOUND IN THE CITY.

(laughter)

NOW, IF YOU'RE GONNA BETHAT DEDICATED

THE ALTERNATIVE MODES OFTRANSPORTATION

AND DELICIOUS BREAKFAST SIDES,SHINE ON, YOU CRAZY DIAMOND.

DON'T YOU EVER CHANGE, MAN.

YOU STAY NUTS, BUDDY.

HE, UH--

HE'S ONE OF THOSE GUYSTHAT NO MATTER WHAT HE'S SAYING

TO ANYBODY,JUST WALK RIGHT UP TO HIM

AND LISTEN IN'CAUSE YOU'RE GONNA GET A GEM.

TWICE IN ONE NIGHTI GOT LUCKY.

IT WAS TWICE IN ONE NIGHT.

I WALKED--WE'RE ALL MEETINGAT THIS BAR

AND I GET THERE EARLYAND HE'S EARLY

AND NOBODY'S EVEN DRUNK YETAND HE'S JUST GOT--

HE'S ALREADYGOT SOMEBODY CORNERED.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO HE'SGOT CORNERED, BUT I WALK BY,

AND THIS IS WHAT COMESOUT OF HIS MOUTH

JUST AT THAT MOMENT,JUST WHEN I'M WALKING BY,

HE JUST GOES, "YEAH,SO THEN I DROP MY TOBLERONE

"INTO MY SPOKES AND MY CHOCOLATESPILLED OUT ALL OVER THE STREET.

THAT'S WHY I MISSEDMY FLIGHT."

(laughter)

TO BREAK THAT DOWN,

GREG WAS RIDING HIS BIKETO THE AIRPORT.

YOU JUST CAN'T DO THAT!

AIRPORTSAREN'T BY ANYTHING.

YOU CAN'T--THERE'S NO BIKE RACKSAT AN AIRPORT.

WHAT DO YOU DOWITH YOUR LUGGAGE?

HIS ONLY LUGGAGE WAS A NOVELTY

TRIANGULARLY-SHAPEDCHOCOLATE BAR,

THE LIKES OF WHICHI'VE ONLY SEEN FOR SALE

AT THE DUTY-FREE SHOPIN AN AIRPORT.

THE MAN IS A RIDDLE.

(laughter)

NIGHT'S GOING ON.I WAS HAVING SOME DRINKS.

MUSIC'S GOING.IT'S CROWDED.

I SEE HIMON THE OTHER SIDE OF BAR,

AND HE LOOKS LIKE HE'SKINDA GETTING INTO AN ARGUMENT,

KIND OF HEATED, LIKE,I GOT TO HEAR SOME OF THIS.

SO I TRY TO MAKEMY WAY OVER THERE.

I BARELY MAKE IT THREE STEPSBEFORE I SEE GREG,

HE GOES BACK AT HIS HELLS INFRONT OF THIS GUY,

AND LOUD ENOUGH FOR EVERYBODYIN THE BAR TO HEAR

OVER THE JUKEBOX,JUST BACK ON HIS HEELS,

HE JUST GOES,"LISTEN, DUDE,

NOBODY GOES TO SPACE CAMPALL THE TIME, OKAY?"

(laughter)

YOU GOT ME.

I HAVE NO IDEA--YOU CAN--YOU CAN GIVE ME A BAG OF MONEY

AND SAY WHAT WOULD LEAD TO GREGNOT ONLY HAVING TO SAY THAT

BUT BE UPSET ABOUT IT?

(laughter)

PUSH THAT BAG OF MONEYRIGHT BACK.

I HAVE NO (bleep) IDEAIN THIS WORLD.

BUT NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENEDIN THAT CONVERSATION,

THE THING ISTHAT SENTENCE,

"NOBODY GOES TO SPACE CAMPALL THE TIME,"

IS UNDENIABLY TRUE.

(laughter)

THAT'S WHAT HE GOT OUTOF THE NIGHT.

HE GOT TO YELL"NOBODY GOES TO SPACE CAMP

ALL THE TIME"ON HIS TERMS.

(laughter)

AND THEN HE RODE HIS BIKE HOMEWITH CHOCOLATES

AND HOPEFULLYHE DIDN'T BREAK HIS ARM.

AND MY FAVORITE PLACEIN THE NEIGHBORHOOD

HAS GOT TO BE THE MEXICANPARTY SUPPLY STORE.

THEY ALL LOOK THE SAME.

DOESN'T MATTERWHICH ONE YOU GO TO.

YOU COULD BE IN QUEENS.

YOU COULD BE IN GUADALAJARA,SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA.

IDENTICAL.SPRAY-PAINTED STORE FRONT.

THERE'S SOME ROSES, AND IT SAYS,"WEDDINGS, FLOWERS,

RACHOTA, INCOME TAX,MUFFLERS"

AND THEN IT SAYS,"NOTARY AND BOUNCY HOUSE"

SQUEEZED IN ON THE SIDE'CAUSE THEY DIDN'T PLAN PROPERLY

FOR THE NUMBER OF BUSINESSESTHEY WERE GONNA ROLL OUT

OF THAT STORE FRONT,AND THEN THEY'VE GOT PIñATAS

HANGING OUT IN FRONT OFSUPERHEROES YOU CAN'T IDENTIFY.

I THINK THAT'S(bleep) SPIDER-MAN.

I'M NOT SURE.DON'T KNOW WHY HE'S GOT A CAPE.

AND THERE'S JUST SOME BARRIOGEPPETTO IN THE BACK

MAKING THE STUFF GOING,

(Latino accent)"YEAH, THIS IS SPIDER-MAN.

"HEY, STAN LEE,MY SPIDER-MAN CAN FLY.

"RUNS OUT OF OUT WEB,IT'S NOT AN ISSUE.

SEE YOU LATER,GREEN GOBLIN." (laughs)

I WENT IN THERE,

AND I REALIZEDWHAT THEY'RE DOING

JUST TO GET AROUND ALL THELICENSING LAWS,

THEY'RE CREATINGTHEIR OWN CHARACTERS.

YOU CAN ASK FOR ANYTHING,

AND THEY HAVETHEIR OWN VERSION OF IT.

YOU CAN TRY IT OUTWITH ANY CHARACTER.

YOU'RE LIKE, "HEY, DO YOU GUYSHAVE DORA THE EXPLORER?"

(Latino accent) "WELL,WE HAVE SOMETHING VERY SIMILAR.

"WE HAVE STACEYTHE SPELUNKER.

"SHE EXPLORES MOSTLY CAVES.

"SO SHE HAS A HEAD LAMP,AND SHE'S FRIENDS WITH A BAT.

(laughter)

"IT'S NOT A BACKPACK,JUST A FANNY PACK.

IT'S PRETTY SIMILAR."

"YOU GUYS HAVEA JIMMY NEUTRON BOY GENIUS?"

(Latino accent) "OH,WE HAVE SOMETHING VERY SIMILAR.

"WE HAVE CASEYTHE C+ STUDENT.

"HE DOESN'T BUILD ROCKET SHIPS,BUT HE READS AT HIGH LEVELS.

YEAH.SINGLE MOM, SO..."

(laughter)

I WENT IN THERE, AND I GOT ONEOF THEIR SPONGE TOM PIñATAS,

AND I BROUGHT THAT HOME.

NOW I'M NOT SURE IF ANYONE'S RUNA PIñATA BEFORE.

HAVE YOU EVER TRIED IT?

IT WAS DIFFICULT BECAUSEYOU GOT TO GET EVERYBODY A TURN.

NOW MY WIFE IS FRIENDSWITH ALL THESE L.A. HIPPIE,

NO-SUGAR MOMS SO I HAVE THESE3- AND 4-YEAR-OLDS

THAT HAVE NEVER SEENSUGARED CEREAL OR CANDY BEFORE

WALKING AROUND THIS PIñATA

WITH THIS CRAZED RAPEYHILLBILLY LOOK IN THEIR EYE.

THEY'RE LIKE, "YEAH, WE'RE GONNAGET US SOME OF THIS STUFF."

(maniacal chuckle)

I ALSO INVITED ALL LATINO KIDSFROM THE NEIGHBORHOOD.

I THOUGHT THAT WOULD BE A GOODIDEA TO INCLUDE EVERYBODY.

NOW THIS WASN'TTHEIR FIRST PIñATA.

THIS WASN'T THEIR FIRSTSPONGE TOM OF THAT DAY.

THEY HAD SEEN SOME ACTION,AND THEY'RE READY

TO GET IN THERE AND MESSSOME WHITE KIDS UP.

THEY WERE ORGANIZED.

THEY WERE ALL DOING THE PRE-GAMENBA THING AT ONE POINT.

THEY'RE READYTO DO SOME DAMAGE

BECAUSE THAT'S WHATA PIñATA INSPIRES.

IT'S LIKE, HEY, KIDS,

LET'S GET YOUR FAVORITECARTOON CHARACTER

AND LET'S LYNCH HIS ASS,AND THEN WE CAN ALL TAKE TURNS

BEATING THE CRAP OUT OF ITTILL HIS GUTS COME OUT.

WE CAN ALL SCRAMBLEFOR HIS SUGARY ENTRAILS.

WHO'S WITH ME?(imitates cheer)

SO I PUT AN 8-YEAR-OLD TO SHOWTHE LITTLE GUYS HOW TO DO IT.

RIGHT AWAY, FIRST BATTER,KNOCKS SPONGE TOM'S LEG OFF,

RIGHT, AND OUT OF HIS BALL SACKSHOOTS A JOLLY RANCHER

IN SLOW MOTION.

BLUE RASPBERRY COMES FIRING OUT,ESCAPE-POD STYLE,

FREEZES IN MID-AIR.

NOW IT'S ONE OF THOSE MOMENTSWHERE TIME STOPPED,

AND YOU COULD SEE EVERYTHING.

MY WIFE IS FRIENDS WITH SOMEOF THE (bleep) PEOPLE

AND THE (bleep) KIDSTHAT GO ALONG WITH THEM.

WHERE THE KIDS WE HANG OUTWITH, FOR EXAMPLE,

RUBS HIS NIPPLESWHEN HE'S SCARED.

(laughter)

AND HE HAS A SEVERE UNDERBITE.

SO WE HAD TO HANG OUTWITH HIS ASS ON HALLOWEEN.

FRIGHTENED OF EVERY HOUSE WITHTHE SLIGHTEST BIT OF DECORATION,

COBWEBS, SOME DRY ICE.

(wails)

SO I LOOK OVER,HE'S ON THE SIDELINE

GREASING ONE UP,READY TO GET IN THERE.

LATINO KIDS ARE BOXING OUTPERFECTLY POISED,

READY TO GO.

THEN I GOT DISTRACTED BY ONEOF THE HIPPIE MOMS

WHO WAS BREASTFEEDING A KID

THAT WAS WAY TOO OLDTO BE BREASTFEEDING.

YOU EVER SEEN THAT BEFORE?IT'S DISGUSTING.

A CHILD SHOULD NOT BE OLD ENOUGHTO COMMENT ON THE QUALITY.

DO YOU GO TO CHEESECAKE FACTORY?'CAUSE THIS IS DELICIOUS.

IT'S LIKE DULCE DE LECHEMEETS RIESLING

COMING OUT OF THIS THING,AND I GOT TO SAY THANK YOU.

SO THE JOLLY RANCHERHITS THE FLOOR.

THE KIDS GO FILING IN THERE.THEY DISMEMBER SPONGE TOM.

CANDY GOES EVERYWHERE.

AS PREDICTED, LATINO KIDSGET ABOUT 80% OF THE CANDY.

MADRIGALS REPRESENT.WE GET ANOTHER 15%.

NIPPLE RUBBER, HIS CREW,

WHATEVERTHEY CAN GET THEIR HANDS ON.

PIECE OF NEWSPAPERFROM THE INTERIOR.

THEY'RE SATISFIEDWITH ANYTHING.

THAT'S WHEN MY WIFE DOESSOMETHING

I WISHED SHE HADN'T DONE,

SHE COMES IN LIKE SHE ALWAYSDOES, AND SHE GOES,

"ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY,IF YOU GOT A LOT OF CANDY,

"IF YOU COULD SHARE THE CANDY

WITH THE KIDS WHO DIDN'TGET A LOT OF--"

(high-pitched whining)

AND THAT'S OBVIOUSLY NOTHOW MY WIFE SOUNDS,

THAT'S JUSTHOW SHE SOUNDS TO ME.

UH, SO--(laughter)

"IF YOU'RE GONNA GO TO THESTORE, CAN YOU PICK UP SOME--"

(high-pitched whine)

IT'S LIKE, "JUST (bleep)WRITE IT DOWN, I GOT IT."

SO IF YOU WANNA KNOW THE ENDOF THE STORY,

(chuckles) THE KIDS ENDED UPDOING THE RIGHT THING.

THEY LOOKED AT THEIR CANDY,

THEY LOOKED AT THE KIDSWITHOUT ANY CANDY,

THEY LOOKED AT MY WIFE,AND THEN THEY SAID,

"ADIOS, PENDEJA!"(laughter)

I MET CHOLO SOCCER DAD.

I HAD NO IDEAHE WAS OUT THERE.

IF YOU DON'T KNOWWHAT A CHOLO IS,

A CHOLO'S LIKE A LATINOGENTLEMEN THAT YOU MAY HAVE SEEN

WEARING WHITE SOCKSPULLED ALL THE WAY UP

AND PLAID SHORTSTO MEET THE WHITE SOCKS,

WHITE T-SHIRT OVERSIZED,MAYBE SOME NECK TATTOOS,

SHAVED HEAD, MOUSTACHE,RIGHT, GOLD CHAIN.

YOU'VE SEEN YOURSELFA CHOLO.

SO, UH...(laughter)

WE TAKE MY SON TO GO TOMIGHTY MITES FOOTBALL PRACTICE

FOR THE FIRST TIME.

THERE'S 4- AND 5-YEAR-OLD'SPLAYING FLAG FOOTBALL.

IT'S ADORABLE.

SO WE TAKE THEM THERE,AND WE'RE AT OUR FIRST PRACTICE,

AND OUT OF THE CORNER OF MY EYE,

I SEE A CHOLOCOMING STRAIGHT FOR US.

EVERYBODY, CLOSE YOUR EYESAND IMAGINE YOUR SCARIEST CHOLO.

THAT GUY IS COMINGRIGHT AT US, RIGHT?

NOW ME AND MY WIFEHAVE BEEN TOGETHER

FOR ABOUT 12 YEARS AND WE'REIN SYNCH AT THAT POINT,

BARELY EVEN NEED TO TALK.

WE HAVE HAND SIGNALSFOR STUFF.

WE REALLY KNOWEACH OTHER WELL.

FOR EXAMPLE, IF MY WIFE HAS TOOMUCH TO DRINK AT A PARTY,

STARTS YAPPING A LITTLE TOOMUCH,

I DON'T HAVE TO SAYANYTHING.

I JUST HAVE TO GO LIKE THIS,THREE LITTLE LEG SQUEEZES,

SHE KNOWS THAT MEANS,"PUT A SOCK IN IT, DRUNKY.

"TIME FOR YOU TO WRAP IT UP.

"SOMEBODY DIDN'T HAVE DINNERLIKE I SUGGESTED,

"NOW YOU'RE SPOUTING OFFAT THE MOUTH

"DIVULGINGALL THE FAMILY SECRETS.

YOU NEED TO PIPE DOWNOR WE GOT TO (bleep) LEAVE."

UH, SO--AND SHE'S COOL WITH IT.

THAT'S THE BEST PART,SHE'S LIKE,

"WAS I TALKING TOO MUCH?THANK YOU."

UH, SO...(laughter)

IT'S THE BEST.

SO I RUB THE BACKOF MY WIFE'S THUMB.

SHE KNOWS THAT MEANS"CHOLO 3:00, LOOK ALIVE."

(laughter)

HE'S COMING RIGHT AT US,

AND A LOT OF NECK TATTOOSHAPPENING, RIGHT?

I'M TRYING TO DECIPHER HIMON THE FLY.

AND I DIDN'T WATCH"PRISON BREAK."

SO I HAVE NO IDEAWHAT THEY MEAN.

IT'S LIKE"WHY IS THE RABBIT CRYING?

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?"

TURNS OUTHE'S OUR SON'S COACH.

ACTUALLY, SWEAR TO GOD.

HE WALKS UP AND HE GOES,"MY NAME'S COACH FRANKIE.

OR YOU CAN CALL ME RASCAL,"AND I'M LIKE, "OH, SEE,

HONEY, WE'RE NOT GONNA DIE,COACH RASCAL'S HERE.

IT'S GONNA BE FINE."

(laughter)

HE THEN PRODUCESA SNACK LIST.

WHEN YOUR CHILD'SIN ANY SPORT,

THE TEAM MOM OR IN THIS CASEA VERY SCARY CHOLO

HAS AN ORGANIZED SNACK LISTTO DETERMINE

WHO'S GONNA BRING SNACKON WHICH DAY.

BY THE WAY,IF YOU'RE A YOUNG PARENT,

YOU WANNA BRING SNACKAT THE BEGINNING OF THE SEASON

WHEN EXPECTATIONS ARE LOW.

YOU'RE GONNA BRINGSOME TEDDY GRAHAMS,

SOME CUT-UP FRUIT,CAPRI SUNS, YOU BROWN BAG IT.

YOU WANNA GO CRAZY,THROW A GO-GURT IN THERE.

EVERYBODY'S HAPPY.

WHAT HAPPENS IN THE MIDDLEOF THE SEASON

IS SOME UNPREPARED JERKWITH DISPOSABLE INCOME

BRINGS HAPPY MEALS,RUINS IT FOR EVERYBODY,

AND THEN AT THE ENDOF THE SEASON,

YOU GOT TO BRING A DJ,PIZZA AND A STRIPPER

AND EVERYBODY'S STILLCOMPLAINING LIKE,

"ARE THESE SONGS SLOW TO YOU?WHAT'S HAPPENING HERE?

SHE SEEMS OLDER."

(laughter)

ANYWAY,THE CHOLO MADE A SNACK LIST.

IT'S PERFECTLY LAID OUTIN MICROSOFT WORD TABLES.

HE DIDN'T GO WITHTHE GOTHIC-Y CHOLO FONT

LIKE YOU'D EXPECT HIM TO,EITHER.

HE USED ARIAL,LIKE WE ALL SHOULD.

THE CHOLO MADE A SNACK LIST,AND HE'S THE WORST COACH EVER,

BUT YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHINGABOUT IT.

HE ACTUALLY SAID THISTO THE KIDS.

THIS IS A QUOTE FROM THE CHOLOTO THE CHILDREN.

HE SAID, "YOU GUYSGOT TO PAY ATTENTION

OR YOU'RE GONNA HAVEBAD DREAMS!"

(laughter)

THAT IS NOT IN THE JOHN WOODENTRIANGLE OF COACHING, RIGHT?

SO YOU SAW MY SON, WHO'S SORTOF A CHICKEN (bleep) ANYWAY,

LOOK AT MY WIFE LIKE,

"MOMMY, AM I REALLYGONNA HAVE BAD DREAMS?"

AND THEN MY WIFE GAVE ME ONEOF THESE,

SHE GAVE ME THE HAND SQUEEZEWITH THE HEAD NOD WHICH MEANS

"GET IN THERE, A-HOLE,AND DO SOMETHING

AND SAY SOMETHING OR I'M GONNADO SOMETHING ABOUT IT MYSELF,"

AND I COUNTERED WITHAN EVEN HARDER HAND SQUEEZE,

AND I LOOKED AT HER AND SAID,"WE'RE NOT SAYING (bleep).

"LET COACH RASCAL CONDUCTHIS BUSINESS

"OR WE'RE GONNA FIND OUTWHY THE RABBIT'S CRYING

AND SO IS HIS DAD.

(laughter)

AND I FIND MYSELF BEINGEXTRA NICE TO THEM

LIKE I'M TRYING TO BEREALLY--

I'M NOT SURE IF YOU GET THATALL THE TIME.

YOU GET PEOPLE, LIKE,TRYING TO OVERCOM--

'CAUSE I WANT HIM TO KNOWI'M ONE OF THE GOOD GUYS

AND I'M NOT ONE OFTHESE RACIST GUYS, RIGHT?

LIKE THIS GUY.

(laughter)

I'M SUPER NOT RACIST,YOU KNOW?

SO I WANNA MAKE SURETHAT I'M EXTRA NICE

I'VE EVEN LET BLACK PEOPLEHARM ME,

AND I JUST LET IT GO,ALL RIGHT?

I WENT TO A BLACK BARBER SHOPIN PHILADELPHIA.

COOLEST BLACK GUYS IN THEREYOU'VE EVER SEEN.

LOOKS LIKE THREE GENERATIONSOF BLAIR UNDERWOOD

ARE GETTINGTHEIR (bleep) TRIMMED.

LOOKED LIKE BOYS II MENWERE SINGING FOUR-PART HARMONY

CUTTING HAIR, RIGHT?

PICTURES OF ERYKAH BADUEVERYWHERE.

AND I GET THE STRAIGHT RAZORSHAVE.

YOU GUYS KNOW WHATI'M TALKING ABOUT?

THE OLD-TIMEY SHAVE WITH THE HOTTOWEL ON YOUR FACE AND LATHER?

NOW I'M HIGHLY ALLERGIC.

I TAKE CLARITIN ALMOSTEVERY DAY.

I HAVE AN INHALER.I USE AN ALMAY DEODORANT.

I'M NOT SURE IF IT'SFOR WOMEN,

BUT IT'S HYPOALLERGENIC,AND I'VE GOT SENSITIVE PITS.

AND IF ANYBODYWANTS TO MESS WITH ME,

NO NEED TO HECKLE.

ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS THROWA FABRIC SOFTENER UP HERE AND--

(laughter)

BOUNCE IS MY KRYPTONITE.

ALL RIGHT, SO--LIKE, BODY SPRAY.

I GET THE SHAVE,AND THEN THE GUY TAKES

A HANDFUL OF THIS AQUA VELVA

EUCALYPTUS AFTERSHAVETIMES 10 (bleep)

THAT ONLY BLACK GUYSKNOW ABOUT,

AND HE SLAPS IT ON MY RAW FACE,AND I CAN IMMEDIATELY FEEL

MY SKIN JUST GO, "HOLY (bleep)WHAT THE (bleep) IS THAT?

THAT IS NOT ON THE LISTOF ACCEPTABLE PRODUCTS!

THAT IS NOT ON THE LISTOF ACCEPTABLE PRODUCTS!

WHAT'S HAPPENING?WHAT'S HAPPENING?"

BUT I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING 'CAUSEI WANTED THESE BLACK GUYS

TO THINK I'M COOL AND I WANTEDTHEM TO LIKE ME.

WHAT AM I GONNA SAY, EXCUSE ME,EXTREMELY COOL BLACK GUYS,

WHAT TYPE OF AFTERSHAVEDO YOU HAVE THERE?

'CAUSE I'M HIGHLY ALLERGIC.

I TAKE A CLARITINALMOST EVERY DAY,

AND I COULDN'T HAVE DAIRYWHEN I WAS A KID.

I GOT A LITTLE BIT OF ROSACEA,DON'T KNOW WHAT CAUSES IT.

(laughter)

I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING.

THOSE GUYS COULD HAVE RUBBEDA CAT,

SOME POLLEN AND THEIR WIENERSON MY FACE

AND I WOULD HAVE JUST GONE, "OH,THE OLD CAT AND WIENER SHAVE.

THANKS A LOT, FELLAS."(laughter)

HE'S ACTUALLY STARTINGTO MAKE SENSE.

WE'RE GOING OUTTO A COMEDIAN'S BARBECUE,

ALL OF US HANG OUT.MY WIFE WENT BACK TO SCHOOL.

SO I HAVE BOTH KIDS,AND I'M TRYING TO GET

EVERYBODY READY,AND THAT'S DIFFICULT,

BUT THEN MY SONCOMES OUT OF HIS ROOM

WEARING THESE FLOOD PANTSWITH HOLES IN BOTH KNEES.

I HAVE NO IDEAWHERE HE FOUND THESE PANTS.

AND I GO, "DUDE,YOU GOT TO CHANGE YOUR PANTS.

YOU CAN'T WEAR THOSE PANTS."HE GOES, "I LIKE THESE PANTS.

THESE ARE MY FAVORITE PANTS.I'M GONNA WEAR THEM."

AND THEN I SAID--I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

I'M A YOUNG DAD, YOU KNOW,SO I GO,

"YOU'RE GONNA BE EMBARRASSED."

AND THEN HE LOOKS AT ME,SORT OF STEPS TO ME A LITTLE BIT

AND HE GOES, "I'M NOT GONNA BEEMBARRASSED.

THEY'RE YOUR FRIENDS.YOU'RE GONNA BE EMBARRASSED"

(laughter and applause)

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