Guilt Away Gardens & Time Travel

  • Season 4, Ep 8
  • 07/09/2008

Carlos builds a time machine to influence history and runs the Guilt Away Gardens theme park.

TO BUY A TIME MACHINE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU KNOW THAT IDIOT OVER THEREIS GOING, HOW MUCH DID IT COST?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE CONTINUE]

NO, SERIOUSLY,IT ACTUALLY REALLY DOES WORK.IT REALLY DOES.

LIKE YOU-- YOU.I WENT BACK IN TIME AND SAW

THAT THING YOU DID IN COLLEGEWITH THAT OTHER GIRL...

[WHOA'S AND APPLAUSE]

- AND YOU WERE NOT DRUNK.- [LAUGHTER, OH'S & APPLAUSE]

SO LET'S DO SOMETIME TRAVELING.

I WANT TO SEEWHAT MADE GEORGE W. BUSH

THE MAN THAT HE IS TODAY.LET'S FIND OUT.

GEORGE BUSH,I'M HERE TO...

WHAT'RE YOU DOINGIN A LIBRARY?

I'M RESEARCHING MY PAPERON NUCLEAR FISSION AND ITSMODERN DAY APPLICATIONS.

YOU'RE SMART?STRAIGHT A'S SINCE KINDERGARTEN.

BUT THIS PAPER'S JUST FOR FUN.

HEY, GEORGE, LOOK.[THUMP]

YOU OKAY?OW! I HURTS MY HEAD.

NUCLEAR. NUCLEAR.WHY CAN'T I SAY IT RIGHT?GOD, I'M DUMB NOW.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

SORRY ABOUT THE LASTEIGHT YEARS, MY BAD.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

OKAY.

I'M GONNA GO BACK IN TIME NOW

AND SAVE ONE OF MYFAVORITE MUSICIANS FROM MAKING

THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF HIS LIFE.

KURT, WE GOTTA TALK, BRO.THIS IS GONNA SAVE YOUR LIFE.

GO HOME, DUDE,I'M SICK OF YOU PEOPLETELLING ME NOT TO DO DRUGS.

OH, DUDE,I DON'T CARE ABOUT THAT.

NO, IT'S COURTNEY, MAN, SHE'S WHAT'S BAD FOR YOU.

COURTNEY'S MY LIFE, MAN.SHE'S MY WORLD.

SHE'S BEAUTIFUL AND SMART.AND HOT AND COOL AND...

AND HOT.OR REALLY? "HOT." OKAY.

THIS IS WHATSHE'S GONNA LOOK LIKEIN TEN YEARS, BRO.

DEAR GOD, THIS IS TERRIBLE.THANK YOU DUDE FROM THE FUTURE.

I'M GONNA LEAVETHAT BITCH FOREVER.

I'VE DONE GOOD HERE.

I-- NO, NO, NO![COCKS GUN, GUNSHOT]

AH!

WHY COULDN'T I HAVE VISITEDTHE "BACKSTREET BOYS"?!

♪ TELL ME WHY

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

ALL RIGHT, THAT'S STRIKE TWO,BUT I'M NOT OUT YET.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW THERE'S SOME MEXICANSOUT THERE GOING,

WELCOME TO "GUILT AWAY GARDENS"!

AH, HELLO AH, "MASSA".YEAH.

TWO ADULTS PLEASE.

THAT'LL BE ALL YOUR MONEY,YOUR GOD AND YOUR FREEDOM.

AND AH,LEAVE YOUR BITCH, TOO.SHE FINE.

Woman: HI. YEAH. OH. OH, NO!

OUR FIRST RIDE IS"POST 9/11 LAND."

Announcer: WHERE YOU CAN GET RACIALLY PROFILED.

[ALARM, SIREN SOUNDING]

UH OH! LOOKS LIKESOMEBODY'S ON A WATCH LIST.

SOMEBODY SAY "RUMSFELD!"

THIS RIDE WASDESIGNED BY CASTRO HIMSELF...

WASH AWAY YOUR GUILTABOUT IMMIGRANTS.

"CUBANS OF THE CARIBBEAN"!

[PANDEMONIUM]

WHERE DO WE GET OFF?

YOU CAN RELAX AND ENJOY YOURSELFWITH THE MISSES IN

"WHITE MANS LAND."

BUT THE INDIANS DO RESERVE THE RIGHT TO TAKE THEIR LAND BACK.

HEY! WHOA!NO! NOT AGAIN!

NO-- HONEY?AHHH!

YOU DON'T LOOK TOO HOT.WHY DON'T ORDER SOMETHINGFROM THE CONCESSION STAND?

OH, THANKS.I'D LOVE SOME COTTON CANDY.

LOOKS LIKE THIS KELSEY GRAMMERLOOKING PECKERWOOD CAN'T READ.

DON'T WORRY.THAT'S OKAY.

YOU CAN HAVEALL THE COTTON CANDY YOU WANT.

BUT YOU'RE GONNAHAVE TO PICK IT YOURSELF.

UGH! I DON'T THINKI WANT COTTON CANDY ANYMORE.

AHHH!

QUIT TALKIN'AND WORK MY FIELD, BOY.BUT I-- I JUST--

NO HO-OH! THAT'S MY...PICK THAT COTTON!

IT'S THE END OF THE DAY,AND THERE'S ONLY ONE RIDE LEFT:

AL-COYOTE!

THE MEXICAN BORDERCROSSING EXPERIENCE!

MR. JOSEPH,ARE YOU OKAY TO DRIVE?

OF COURSE, I HAVEN'T EVENFINISHED MY FIRST BOTTLE.

OKAY.

WHAT THE HELL KIND OFA THEME PARK IS THIS?

WHO YOU THINKYOU'RE TALKING TO LIKE THAT?MY WIFE WAS VIOLATED TWICE.

THREE TIMES.THREE?

SOMEBODY HAVE TO PAY FORTHE COTTON CANDY.WHATEVER!

I DON'T GIVE A [BLEEP]WHO I'M TALKING TO.

I DON'T GIVE A [BLEEP]WHAT COLOR YOU ARE.

HEY, DON'T YOU FEEL BADTALKING TO MINORITIES LIKE THAT?

HELL NO!

CONGRATULATIONS.YOU'RE GUILT FREE!

OH MY GOD, YOU'RE RIGHT.YOU GUYS DID AN INCREDIBLE JOB.

JOB?

In Unison: WE'RE VOLUNTEERS!

I DON'T GET VERY PERSONALMOST OF THE TIME.

BUT I GOTTA TELL YOU A STORY,

'CAUSE AH--I HAD TO GIVE MY DADMY OLD HOUSE.

AND IT'S NOT 'CAUSEI'M NICE OR ANYTHING.

IT'S JUST AS A LATINO MALE;YOU HAVE TO.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BECAUSE, I KNOW A LOT OFYOU PEOPLE DON'T UNDERSTAND,

BUT SEE, THERE'S A REASONWHY LATINOS HAVE A LOT OF KIDS.

IT'S BASICALLY BECAUSEWE'RE LIKE LOTTERY TICKETS.

THEY HAVE A WHOLE BUNCH ANDTHEY HOPE ONE OF 'EM MAKES IT.

- I'M NOT EVEN KIDDING.- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SEE? AND THE PEOPLETHAT ARE CLAPPING ARE LIKE,

[Cholo Voice] "OH, MAN.THAT'S A LOT OF PRESSURE!"

AND YOU COULD TELLWHICH ONES ARE THE DUMB ONESIN A FAMILY, SERIOUSLY.

YOU KNOW HOW YOU COULD TELL?HERE'S HOW YOU COULD TELL.

LIKE, I HAVE--THERE'S 18 IN MY FAMILY.

AND HERE'S HOWYOU COULD TELL THE DUMB ONES.THE SMART ONES,

THERE'S A BIG GAP IN-BETWEEN.SO LIKE MY SMART SISTER WAS BORN

AND THEY WAITED A FEW YEARSTO SEE SHE IF WAS GONNA MAKE IT.

BUT THE DUMB ONES,WERE ONE RIGHT AFTER THE OTHER.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IT'S LIKE, "HOW OLD ARE YOU?"32, 31, 29...[Laughing]

I SWEAR TO GOD.THAT'S WHAT OUR PARENTS DO.

EVERY TIME A LATINO HAS A KID,IT'S LIKE HE'S GOING,

- "COME ON, SEVEN."- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

MY DAD-- MY DAD,YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN,HE BELIEVES THIS.

AND I REMEMBER TELLING HIM I GO,"DAD, I UNDERSTAND THAT.

"I GET IT.WE'RE LOTTERY TICKETS TO YOU.I GET IT.

BUT WHY DID YOU HAVE 18 KIDS?"HE LOOKED AT ME AND HE WENT,

"HEY, MI HIJO,YOU HAVE TO BE IN IT TO WIN IT."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

THEN HE LOOKS AT ME AND HE GOES,

"AND I KNOWYOU WERE THE WINNING ONE."

I GO, "DUDE, STOP.YOU DIDN'T KNOW."

AND HE GOES, "NO, ASK YOUR MOM."AND MY MOM GOES, "NO, HE DID.

I THOUGHT IT WAS GONNA BEJOSEPH, BUT I WAS WRONG."

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