Jordan Brady & Doug Benson

  • Season 1, Ep 0147
  • 02/24/1992

JUST KIND OF THINKINGABOUT EVERYTHING

THINKING ABOUT MY LIFE,YOU KNOW.

I'M REALLY GOINGTHROUGH THAT TIME PERIOD

WHEN I KNOW I SHOULD HAVE A KID.

MY BIOLOGICAL CLOCKIS TICKING AWAY

AND I'M FEELING A LITTLEDEPRESSED, A LITTLE SAD.

MAYBE I WON'T HAVE A KID.

IT WON'T BE THE ENDOF THE WORLD IF I DON'T.

GOD KNOWS THERE'S ENOUGH KIDSIN THE WORLD.

SO, I DON'T KNOW...

I WAS JUST IN THE MIDWESTAND THEY HAVE ALL THESE POSTERS

THESE REALLY WEIRD, INTENSE,REACTIONARY, RIGHT-WING POSTERS:

"THIS FETUS IS 24 SECONDS OLD

"AND SHE'S ALREADY PLANNINGHER COLLEGE EDUCATION.

ARE YOU WILLING TO KILL HER?"

BUT IT'S LIKE...

I UNDERSTAND, I MEAN

IT'S NOT, LIKE, A GREAT DECISIONTO HAVE AN ABORTION.

I HAD ONE WHEN I WAS VERY YOUNG.

I DIDN'T LOOK FORWARD TO IT.

WOMEN DON'T WANT TO PUTTHEMSELVES INTO A MORAL DILEMMA

LIKE STAYING UP AT NIGHT

THINKING, "SHOULD IOR SHOULDN'T I?

"LET ME GET PREGNANT

JUST SO I CAN SEE IF I WANTTO HAVE AN ABORTION OR NOT."

I MEAN, WHAT ARE PEOPLETHINKING, ESPECIALLY MEN?

IT'S LIKE, WELL,WHY DO THEY HAVE

ANY DECISION MAKINGIN THE PROCESS?

I DON'T GET THAT.

IT'S MAKE ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE.

( cheering and applause )

IT'S SO OUT THERE,IT'S SO BIZARRE.

WHY DON'T THESE PEOPLE

WHO ARE STANDINGOUTSIDE OF ABORTION CLINICS

SPEND MORE TIME HELPING THEHOMELESS-- SOME OF THE PEOPLE

THAT MAYBE SHOULDN'T HAVEBEEN BORN IN THE FIRST PLACE?

( cheering )

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

WASTING THEIR TIMEFREAKING EVERYBODY OUT.

IT'S INSANE.

SO I JUST WANTED TO COME OUTAND TELL YOU THAT

SINCE I WAS THINKING ABOUTHAVING A BABY BACKSTAGE.

WELL, YOU KNOW, I'M A PERFORMER,I'M ON THE ROAD A LOT.

IT'S NOT AN EASY DECISION FOR ME

SO IT'S SOMETHINGTHAT FREAKS ME OUT.

BUT I THINK ABOUTTHE WHOLE SCOPE.

IT'S NOT JUST ONE ASPECT OFREARING A CHILD, YOU KNOW.

I WAS SCARING SOME CHILDRENBACKSTAGE AS...

TALKING ABOUT THE WHOLE THING.

BUT IT'S A GOOD PLACE TO TALKABOUT IT HERE ON THE A LIST

AND JUST GET A LITTLE BIT REALONCE IN A WHILE

INSTEAD OF JUST KIND OF LIKE,LET'S JUST LAUGH AT ANYTHING.

IT'S GOOD TO FEEL SOME THINGS

EVEN IF IT'S NOTPARTICULARLY FUNNY.

THERE'S SOME HUMOR THERE,MAYBE MASKED, MAYBE HIDDEN

BUT WE'RE GOING TO FIND ITAND WE'RE GOING TO CULTIVATE IT.

A CHILDHOOD IDOLOF MINE BACKSTAGE--

ZAMFIR, MASTER OF THE PAN FLUTE.

WELL, I'D NEVER SEEN HIM.

ON TV THEY ONLY SHOW HIMFROM THE WAIST UP

BECAUSE HE'S PART GOAT.

AND HE'S HOPPING AROUNDBACK THERE AND EVERYTHING.

TONIGHT IS KIND OF SPECIAL.

MARKS A THREE-YEAR ANNIVERSARY.

I'VE NOT SMOKED MARIJUANAIN 3h YEARS.

WELL, NOT GOOD POT

JUST THAT DIRT WEEDTHAT'S BEEN GOING AROUND.

THE DROUGHT, MAN.

I'M JUST KIDDING.

SOME OF YOU KIDSOUT THERE WATCHING.

REMEMBER, WE HAVEA NEW SLOGAN NOW:

"HUGS... HUGS...

NOT DRUGS!"

( light laughter )

IT WORKS, TOO.

I SAW A PUSHERIN THE ALLEY, GOING

"HEY, YOU DON'T NEED THIS, MAN.

LET'S JUST CUDDLE."

( laughter )

BY THE WAY, THAT WAS MEAS THE PUSHER

ONE OF THE MANY CHARACTERS I DOIN MY COMEDY ROUTINE.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

ONE DRUG I'M FOR-- THE RU486,THE ABORTION PILL, HUH, RIGHT?

PRETTY OBVIOUS, THOUGH.

LADIES, YOU DON'T LET MENGET THEIR HANDS ON THIS ONE.

"WHAT'S THAT, HONEY,YOU'RE PREGNANT?

"OH, NO, THAT'S GREAT.

UM... I PROPOSE A TOAST."

( scattered applause )

WHEN YOU SEE THE GUYKIND OF TIPTOEING AWAY

LIKE A CARTOON GUY,YOU KNOW SOMETHING IS UP.

LADIES, I WOULD PULLTHE OLD SWITCHEROO

IF YOU SUSPECT FOUL PLAY.

"OH, LOOK, HONEY."

BECAUSE A GUY WILL DRINK IT--GLUG, GLUG, GLUG--

IT WILL BE LIKESOME INTESTINAL DRANO.

LIKE, "CHECK, PLEASE."

I FIND THOSE PORNOGRAPHIC MOVIESVERY DISGUSTING

VERY DISTASTEFUL,VERY OFFENSIVE TOWARDS WOMEN

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I LIKEABOUT A GOOD ONE IS...

( laughter )

A GOOD PORNO MOVIE WILL HAVE

THAT EARLY '70s JAZZTHEME MUSIC BEHIND IT.

( imitating twangy jazz bass guitar music )

SOME OF YOU NAMED THE TUNE

A LITTLE BIT QUICKERTHAN THE OTHERS.

WHEN YOU HEARD THAT MUSIC

YOU KNEW WHAT WOULDHAPPEN IN THE MOVIE.

TENNIS PRO IS LOCKING UPTHE SHOP, THE SUN IS SETTING

THE LADY'S ON THE SIDE OF THECOURT WITH HER RACKET, GOING

"GUESS MY PARTNERIS NEVER GOING TO SHOW."

( imitating twangy bass guitar music )

( laughter )

NOTICE I PLAYED BOTH THE TENNISPRO AND THE NEGLECTED WOMAN.

JUST TWO MORE OFTHE CHARACTERS...

NO, I DON'T HAVE TIME.

IF I WERE TO CHANGE COSTUMES,I WOULD HAVE WORN

THE TRADITIONAL TENNIS PRO WHITEEXCEPT FOR A MULTICOLORED SCARF

BECAUSE IN THE PORNO MOVIE, THESCARF IDENTIFIES THE SWINGER.

IT'S NOT EVEN JUST PORNO STUFF,IT'S LIKE ANY TELEVISION.

MR. FURLEY FROM THREE'S COMPANY, RIGHT?

WHY DO YOU THINKCHRISSY LEFT THE SHOW?

FRED FROM SCOOBYDOO?

FRED-- GOOD-LOOKING,BLOND GUY, SCARF

DROVE AROUNDIN THE MYSTERY MACHINE?

( laughter )

HIS GIRLFRIEND,THE REDHEADED DAPHNE

ALSO WITH THE LITTLEPINK SCARF THERE.

SOMETIMES THEY'D GETA LITTLE MENAGE A TROIS GOING

WITH VELMA, WHO WOULD LOSEHER GLASSES EVERY SHOW.

OH, TOO CONVENIENTLY,I MIGHT ADD, YOU KNOW.

"SHAGGY, YOU AND SCOOBGO OFF THAT WAY

"AND CHASE THE, UH... GHOST.

THE GIRLS AND I WILL BE BACKIN THE MYSTERY MACHINE."

( imitating bass guitar riff )

SOMEONE WAS GETTINGA SCOOBY SNACK

THAT'S ALL I'M TRYING TO SAY.

( chuckling )

I COULD SMELL THE SMOKE.

IT WAS MESQUITE-FLAVORED.

WE HAD A LITTLE BARBECUE.

EVERYBODY CAME OVER.

YEAH, ME ANDTHE LITTLE WOMAN GOT A HOUSE.

LITTLE WOMAN-- I CALL HER THATBECAUSE SHE'S A PYGMY.

SHE'S ABOUT THAT TALL.

( man laughs )

WHAT, YOU GOT SOMETHINGAGAINST PYGMIES?

DON'T MESS WITH ME, PAL,BECAUSE I'M FROM THE STREET!

OKAY, SESAME STREET,BUT IT IS ACTUALLY A STREET.

RIGHT BEFORE I GOT MARRIED,I CONVERTED TO JUDAISM

SO WE COULD GET MARRIEDBY A RABBI.

SHE'S HINDU,THE LITTLE PYGMY WOMAN.

YOU GOT A PROBLEMWITH THAT, HUH?

MANY PEOPLE DON'T TRUST CONVERTSFROM ONE RELIGION TO THE OTHER.

PEOPLE THINK I DID ITBECAUSE I'M IN SHOW BUSINESS

WHICH IS MOST OF IT, BUT...

IT'S NOT LIKE I KEEPA CRUCIFIX UNDER MY BED

AND WHEN NO ONE IS LOOKING,I PULL IT OUT, YOU KNOW.

( laughter )

I REMEMBER WHEN I TOOK MY WIFE

TO MEET MY FAIRLY CHRISTIANRELATIVES IN OHIO.

WE GO INTO GRANDMA'S TRAILER,THE DOUBLE-WIDE, AND...

SHE'S GOT THAT JESUS CLOCKRIGHT THERE ON THE WALL.

WE WALK IN, AND THANK GOD,IT WAS A QUARTER TO THREE

BECAUSE SHE COULD RECOGNIZE HIM.

HE LOOKED KIND OF NORMAL.

LET'S SAY YOU SHOW UP,IT'S LIKE, YOU KNOW, 6:30.

( laughter )

YOU GOT TO EXPLAIN ITAND EVERYTHING.

YEAH?

( applause )

WHY DON'T YOU PEOPLEJUST BITE ME, OKAY?

BECAUSE WHO IS ANTI-EARTH?

WE'RE ALL FOR THE ENVIRONMENT.

NO ONE PICKETSA RECYCLING CENTER.

"WASTE MORE!

"STOP THISUNNECESSARY RECYCLING!

GIVE A HOOT-- POLLUTE!"

THESE PEOPLE WOULD HAVETHEIR OWN MASCOT--

YOU KNOW, HOODSIE OWL.

"HEY, KID, JUST THROW ITON THE GROUND, OKAY?

REMEMBER WHAT HOODSIE SAYS..."

( hacking )

BY THE WAY,THAT WAS ME AS HOODSIE

ONE OF THE MANYWOODLAND CREATURES

I DO IN MY COMEDY ROUTINE.

OH, STOP, STOP, STOP!

I ASKED ONE OF MY FRIENDS

WHAT HE FELT ABOUTTHE ENVIRONMENT.

HE GOES, "LISTEN, MAN,I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I THINK.

I COULD GIVEA FLYING RAT'S ASS."

FLYING RAT'S ASS.

ANYBODY HERE HEAR THATFOR THE FIRST TIME TONIGHT?

OH, YEAH?

THE OTHERS KNOWI DIDN'T MAKE THAT UP.

I WISH I WAS THEREWHEN THE GUY COINED THE PHRASE.

I'M ASSUMING IT WAS A MALE.

HE COULDN'T ARTICULATEHIS EMOTIONS.

HE WAS STRUGGLING TO COMMUNICATE

AND THEN A LITTLE RAT WENT BYAND HE WENT...

( fearful shouting )

"THAT'S HOW I FEEL."

( laughter )

THAT BUTTLESS RAT SCURRIES AWAY.

( in squeaky voice ):"THE GUY IS NUTS, MAN!

"THE GUY JUST CUT MY BUTT OFF.

"WHAT A BUTTHOLE.

I'M A BUTTLESS RAT,THANKS TO THAT GUY."

CAN YOU GUESS THATI WAS THE BUTTLESS RAT--

ONE OF THE MANY CHARACTERS?

I KNOW A LOT OF YOUARE THINKING

"JORDAN, WILL WE SEE HOODSIE,THE ANTI-ENVIRONMENTAL OWL

"TEAM UP WITH THE BUTTLESS RAT

IN SOME SORT OF SATURDAYMORNING EXTRAVAGANZA?"

I'M WORKING ON ITOUT HERE IN TINSELTOWN.

I DON'T WANT TO GIVE AWAY THEPLOT, BUT IT DOES INVOLVE...

( imitating twangy bass guitar riff )

THANK YOU VERY MUCH, LADIES ANDGENTLEMEN, FOR HAVING ME HERE

LET ME ASK YOU GUYS A QUESTION.

ARE THERE ANY RELIGIOUS FANATICSIN THE CROWD TONIGHT?

ANY... NO? THAT'S A SURPRISE.

THEY USUALLY COME OUTTO COMEDY CLUBS

AND YUCK IT UPWITH DRINKS IN THEIR HANDS...

( laughter )

I WAS COMING OUT OFA GROCERY STORE ONE DAY

AND THIS GUY CAME UP TO MEAND GOT IN MY FACE.

HE WAS SCREAMING AND YELLINGAND FOGGING UP MY GLASSES

AND HE SAYS TO ME,"ARE YOU GOING TO HELL?"

I SAID, "NO, BUT IT'SON MY WAY IF YOU NEED A LIFT."

( laughter )

"HOP IN, MY NEW FRIEND.

RIDE SHOTGUN, WATCH FOR COPS."

HAS THIS EVER HAPPENEDTO ANYBODY HERE?

YOU'RE DRIVING YOUR CAR,SMOKING A CIGARETTE

AND YOU FLICK IT OUT THE WINDOWAND YOU DRIVE FOR A FEW MILES

AND THEN YOU SMELL SMOKE?

SO YOU TURN AROUNDAND LOOK IN THE BACK SEAT

AND THE DOG IS ON FIRE?

( laughter )

WHERE ARE MY PEOPLE?

SHOW OF HANDS.

WHERE'S MY POSSEIN THE HOUSE WOOF?

( one man woofs )

I GOT PULLED OVER ONCEFOR DRIVING IN THE DIAMOND LANE.

COP SAID, "YOU KNOWYOU HAVE TO HAVE

MORE THAN ONE PERSON IN THE CARTO DRIVE IN THE CAR POOL LANE."

I SAID, "CHECK THE TRUNK."

( laughter )

( imitates Jordan Brady's jazz riff )

( light applause )

( audience whooping )

WHAT SCHOOL DO YOU GO TO,YOUNG LADY?

SANTA MONICA.

SANTA MONICA?

OOH, A FINE INSTITUTIONOF HIGHER LEARNING.

( laughter )

THAT'S A 12-YEAR COLLEGE,ISN'T IT?

( laughter )

HEY, THAT'S NOT VERY NICE.

I'D SAY, "WHAT'S YOUR MAJOR?"BUT YOU'RE NOT TO THAT POINT.

IT'S A COMMUNITY COLLEGE.

ARE YOU PLAYINGTHE DRINKING GAMES YET?

THEY'RE OVER.

THEY'RE OVER!

SOME PEOPLE GET RID OF ITIN JUNIOR HIGH, HIGH SCHOOL.

I REALIZED I HADA DRINKING PROBLEM RECENTLY

WHEN I FOUND MYSELF SITTING INA DENNY'S AT 5:00 IN THE MORNING

DOING MAPLE SHOTS.

IT'S AS GROSS AS IT SOUNDS.

YOU LICK A LITTLE SUGAROFF THE BACK OF YOUR HAND

THEN YOU THROW BACKSOME LOG CABIN

AND THEN YOU SUCKON A PAT OF BUTTER.

THAT IS WHEN YOU HAVEA SERIOUS PROBLEM!

A SCREENPLAYI'M REALLY HAPPY ABOUT.

IT'S IN DEVELOPMENT AT A MAJORSTUDIO YOU MAY HAVE HEARD OF:

SCHMITTY'S... MOVIE... STUDIOIN SANTA MONICA

AND IT'S KIND OFA COP-BUDDY PICTURE.

THERE'S TWO COPS.

ONE HAS NARCOLEPSY, THE OTHERONE HAS TOURETTE'S SYNDROME.

IT'S CALLED "SNOOZY AND SPATS"

AND WITH ANY LUCK AT ALL,I THINK WE'RE GOING TO GET

GIBSON AND GLOVERTO PLAY THE LEAD ROLES--

HENRY GIBSON AND CRISPIN GLOVER.

HERE'S, LIKE, A SAMPLE OFTHE DIALOGUE YOU'LL HEAR

IF THIS MOVIE EVER GETS MADE.

"HEY, SNOOZY, WAKE UP!

( yells ):SON OF A BITCH!"

I GUESS YOU HAVE TO BE FAMILIARWITH DISEASES TO REALLY...

REALLY GET INTO IT, BUT...

YOU GUYS TRIED.

GOT TO PERFORMIN ENGLAND RECENTLY.

I WENT TO BUCKINGHAM PALACE

BECAUSE YOU CANMESS WITH THE GUARDS.

THEY'RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVEOR TALK OR DO ANYTHING.

YOU CAN GET IN THEIR FACEAND MESS WITH THEM.

♪ OOH, THE QUEEN HASA HAIRY BACK! ♪

THIS ENGLISH WOMANWAS STANDING THERE

AND SHE SAYS, "YOU CAN TWEAKHIS NOSE IF YOU'D LIKE.

YEAH, GO AHEAD, YANK HIS WILLY,PINCH HIS BUM, GO FOR IT."

AND I'M THINKING,"UHHH... OKAY!"

IN RETROSPECT, I REALIZEDSHE WAS PROBABLY WITH

BRITAIN'S "FUNNIEST HIDDENVIDEO CAMERA SQUIRREL HUNT HOUR"

BUT I WANTED TO BE A GOOD SPORT

SO I SORT OF REACHED OUTAND GAVE HIM A LITTLE...

AND I GOT TO TELL YOU GUYS

NOTHING CLEARS UPJET LAG QUICKER

THAN THE CRACK OF A GUN BUTTAGAINST YOUR SKULL.

BRINGS YOU RIGHT AROUND.

HERE'S ANOTHER TRAVEL TIP...

( laughter )

IF YOU EVER GO TO LAS VEGAS,AND YOU WILL

JUST GO FOR A FEW DAYS.

I WAS THERE RECENTLY FOR SEVENDAYS-- SEVEN DAYS IN VEGAS.

AFTER I BLEW ALL OF MY MONEYON GAMBLING AND PROSTITUTION...

( laughter )

I HAD SIX DAYS TO KILL.

( laughter )

SO WHAT I DID WAS...

LET'S PUT THIS HEREAT THE TOP OF THE A...

IF YOU HAVE A DOLLAR, YOU CANTAKE THE TOUR AT THE HOOVER DAM

WHICH IS, LIKE, THE MOSTBORING EXPERIENCE IMAGINABLE

AND YET IT ONLY COSTS A DOLLAR,SO I WAS ALL OVER IT.

THE TOUR GUIDE WASA CLOSET COMEDIAN.

YOU COULD TELL THAT HE WANTEDTO GET INTO SHOW BUSINESS

BUT HE WAS STARTING OUTAT THE HOOVER DAM LEVEL

WHICH IS A NOTCH BELOW

THE JUNGLE CRUISEGUIDE AT DISNEYLAND.

HE KEPT SLIPPING IN JOKESAS HE WENT ALONG

AND I'D LIKE TO TRYAND RECREATE THAT FOR YOU NOW.

( tinny voice ):ONE OF THE WORLD'S LARGESTHYDROELECTRIC FACILITIES

HOOVER DAM, WAS DEDICATED

BY PRESIDENT FRANKLIN DELANOROOSEVELT ON SEPTEMBER 30, 1935.

THIS GRASSHOPPER WALKSINTO A BAR.

THE BARTENDER SAYS, "YOU KNOW,WE GOT A DRINK NAMED AFTER YOU."

AND THE GRASSHOPPER SAYS

"YOU'VE GOTA DRINK NAMED STEVE?"

MORE THAN 26 MILLION VISITORSHAVE TOURED THE FACILITY

SINCE WE BEGAN GIVING TOURSBACK IN 1937... KNOCK, KNOCK.

( laughter )

KNOCK, KNOCK.

Audience:WHO'S THERE?

HOOVER!

HOOVER WHO?

HOOVER DAM COST APPROXIMATELY$175 MILLION TO BUILD.

THESE TWO MEN AREWALKING DOWN THE STREET

WHEN THEY SEEA DOG LICKING HIMSELF.

ONE OF THE MEN SAYS,"I WISH I COULD DO THAT."

THE OTHER ONE SAYS, "MAYBEYOU SHOULD PET HIM FIRST."

( laughter )

HEY, IF YOU FEELLIKE HAVING A TASTY SNACK

WHILE YOU'RE HERE TODAY

BE SURE AND STOP BYTHE SNACKETERIA.

TODAY'S SPECIAL:THE DAM POTATOES.

KNOCK, KNOCK.

WHO'S THERE?

THIRTY-SEVEN.

37 WHO?

37 MEN WERE KILLED DURINGTHE CONSTRUCTION OF HOOVER DAM

A PROJECT THAT TOOKFOUR GRUELING YEARS TO COMPLETE.

THIS MAN WALKS INTO AN ELEVATOR.

A WOMAN SAYS TO HIM,"CAN I SMELL YOUR BALLS?"

HE SAYS, "NO, YOU CANNOT."

SHE SAYS,"IT MUST BE YOUR FEET."

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