Monday, April 21, 2014

  • 04/21/2014

Kerri Kenney-Silver, Nick Swardson and Marlon Wayans name the band behind a song about poop, guess which horrible chest tattoos are real and list matured video game titles.

SECONDS, THIS HAPPENED ON

YOUTUBE TODAY.

THIS IS-- THAT'S WHAT IT LOOKS

LIKE.

(LAUGHTER)

THIS IS A STEAMING HOT MUSIC

VIDEO THAT UNICEF INDIA POSTED--

ARE YOU READY-- ENCOURAGING

PEOPLE TO NOT (BLEEP) IN THE

STREETS!

PLEASE DON'T (BLEEP) IN THE

STREETS!

THAT'S NOT WHAT STREETS ARE FOR.

STREETS ARE FOR WALKING AND

MEETING PEOPLE AND NOT WALKING

IN POOP.

BECAUSE-- AND I'M GLAD THAT

THEY PUT THIS VIDEO ON YOUTUBE--

BECAUSE THE SAME PEOPLE THAT

WOULD (BLEEP) IN THE STREET,

WOULD BE LIKE, "WELL I GOT TO

CHECK MY YOUTUBE FEED NOW.

NOW THAT I HAVE POOPED IN THE

STREET.

THIS IS THE LIGHT ENTERTAINMENT

I WILL HAVE WHILE I AM STREET

POOPING."

>> YOU KNOW WHAT'S MESSED UP,

SEEING IT JUST MAKES ME WANT TO

TAKE A (BLEEP) RIGHT NOW.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: IT'S SO HARD NOT TO!

(LAUGHTER)

>> ALSO, WHY DOES THE POO LOOK

DELICIOUS?

(LAUGHTER)

IT LOOKS LIKE IT ACTUALLY TASTES

GOOD.

>> Chris: I'M CURIOUS, NICK

SWARDSON, IS THAT THE FIRST TIME

YOU EVER SAID THAT SENTENCE

BEFORE?

(LAUGHTER)

>> IF MY (BLEEP) WAS THAT

HAPPY I WOULD PLAY WITH IT.

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: OKAY.

SO THIS IS THE PERFECT CHALLENGE

FOR YOU GUYS AS WE START AT THE

TOP OF THE SHOW, BECAUSE THIS

WAS A FULL SONG THAT THEY PUT ON

YOUTUBE, AND I WOULD LIKE YOU

GUYS TO COME UP WITH THE NAME OF

THE BAND THAT WOULD RELEASE

THIS, LET'S CALL IT A NUMBER TWO

HIT.

(LAUGHTER)

KERRI KENNEY.

>> THE RED-HOT CHILLY POOPERS!

>> Chris: YES!

ADORABLE, ABSOLUTELY.

NICK SWARDSON.

>> STINK FLOYD, DARK SIDE OF MY

MOON.

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: MARLON WAYANS.

>> THE POO-TANG CLAN.

(LAUGHTER)

FOR TONIGHT'S #HASHTAG WARS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

SUNDAY WAS THE HIGHEST OF HIGH

HOLIDAYS-- YES, I'M REFERRING TO

4/20.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

DENVER, WHERE CANNABIS IS NOW

LEGAL, THEY CELEBRATED WITH A

MASSIVE 4/20 RALLY THAT IF I MAY

BE SO BLUNT-- HA, HA-- GAVE

NEW MEANING TO THE PHRASE "MILE

HIGH CITY."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

OUR HASHTAG TONIGHT IS #MUST

HAVEBEENHIGH, #MUSTHAVEBEENHIGH.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE WATCHED

ANCHORMAN TEN TIMES FOR THE

POLITICAL SUBTEXT.

(LAUGHTER)

#MUSTHAVEBEENHIGH.

OR FOUND OUT I AM THE MAYOR OF

TORONTO, #MUSTHAVEBEENHIGH.

(LAUGHTER)

ALL RIGHT, I'M GOING TO PUT

60 SECONDS ON THE CLOCK AND GO.

KERRI KENNEY.

>> I THOUGHT MY SON'S SAXOPHONE

RECITAL WAS TOO SHORT.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: NICK.

>> IF YOU SPEND MORE MONEY ON

FROOT LOOPS THAN YOU DO ON RENT.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

MARLON.

>> I HAVE BEEN WATCHING A HONEY

BOOBOO MARATHON.

THAT BITCH IS DEEP.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: KERRI.

>> MY MOM'S 40-MINUTE STORY

ABOUT HER CAT WAS FASCINATING.

>> Chris: POINTS.

NICK.

>> IF YOU THOUGHT "AVATAR" WAS A

DOCUMENTARY.

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: MARLON.

>> MY FINGERS TASTE LIKE

CHICKEN.

BUT MY THUMB TASTES LIKE

(BLEEP).

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

>> Chris: POINTS.

POINTS.

(LAUGHTER)

I WISH WE HAD MORE TIME TO GET

THE DETAILS OF THAT STORY.

POINTS.

NICK.

>> IF YOU HAVE HOT POCKETS FOR

THANKSGIVING DINNER.

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

archive.org IS A NONPROFIT

DIGITAL LIBRARY WHERE YOU CAN

WATCH VIDEOS FROM REAL LIFE

HISTORICAL FOOTAGE OR JUST

INSANELY OUTDATED DRUG PSAs.

WE FOUND THIS ONE FROM 1968

SIMPLY TITLED "MARIJUANA" THAT

TELLS OF THE DANGERS OF SMOKING

POT AND FOR SOME REASON IS

NARRATED BY SONNY BONO.

(LAUGHTER)

SO COMEDIANS, I'M GOING TO SHOW

YOU A CLIP FROM THIS PSA AND I

WANT YOU TO TELL ME HOW YOU

THINK IT ENDS, ALL RIGHT?

HERE'S THE FIRST ONE.

>> HEATHER FORGOT SHE WAS

DRIVING A CAR AS SHE TRIPPED OUT

ON THE BEAUTY OF A BACK ROAD

NATURE TRIP.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: THIS IS WEED, YOU ARE

NOT ON LSD.

>> YEAH.

>> Chris: WHAT DOES POT MAKE

THIS LADY DO?

DRIVE OFF A CLIFF OR RUN

OVER AN ELDERLY COUPLE?

YES, MARLON.

>> RUN OVER AN ELDERLY COUPLE.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: PLEASE, PLEASE.

LET'S FIND OUT.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

(LAUGHTER)

>> WHAT IS SHE DOING?

>> THERE IS AN ELDERLY COUPLE AT

THE BOTTOM OF THE HILL.

YOU GUYS DIDN'T SEE IT YET.

>> Chris: THEN SHE FALLS ON THEM

AND RUNS THEM OVER.

>> SHOULDN'T YOU BE SCARED WHEN

YOU CRASH?

LOOK AT HER, SHE'S ON CLOUD

NINE.

>> Chris: NO, MAN SHE IS SO

HIGH ON THIS WONDER WEED THAT

THEY TOOK BACK IN THE '60s, MADE

YOU FORGET YOU WERE OPERATING

MACHINERY.

>> OH, MY GOD.

AND I THOUGHT IT WAS IMPRESSIVE

AS SHE WAS DRIVING, IF YOU LOOK

SHE IS HOLDING ON THIS AND THEN

DRIVING WITH HER VAGINA.

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> YOU CAN ONLY DO THAT WHEN YOU

ARE STONED.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: YOU CAN...

>> BELIEVE ME I TRIED IT ON THE

101.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT.

NEXT ONE.

NEXT ONE.

>> WHILE YOU'RE UP ON GRASS, YOU

MAY TELL YOURSELF ONLY WHAT YOU

WANT TO KNOW, IF YOU ARE LUCKY

ENOUGH NOT TO BE ON A BAD TRIP.

(LAUGHTER)

>> IS THAT RICHIE FROM

"HAPPY DAYS"?

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: YES, THAT IS DIRECTOR

RON HOWARD.

(LAUGHTER)

ALL RIGHT.

WHAT HAPPENS TO THIS GUY ON POT?

HE GETS PULLED INTO HIS CLOSET

BY A NEON SKELETON OR A FEMALE

VERSION OF HIMSELF SHOOTS HIM?

MARLON WAYANS.

>> A FEMALE VERSION OF HIMSELF

SHOOTS HIM.

>> Chris: OH, MAN.

YOU BETTER BE RIGHT!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

ALL RIGHT.

LADY RICHIE CUNNINGHAM, SHOOT

THIS MOTHER (BLEEP)!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> YES!

BAM!

BAM!

YOU SQUARE!

>> Chris: THAT IS THE END OF

TATSCREWED!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THE KIDS LOVE TATTOOS.

THEY ARE MORE POPULAR THAN EVER,

AND IF MY MATH CHECKS OUT, THAT

MEANS THE AMOUNT OF TERRIBLE

TATTOOS IS AT AN ALL-TIME HIGH.

COMEDIANS, I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU

AN INDIVIDUAL WITH A TAT

FEATURED ON TUMBLR AND I'M GOING

TO GIVE YOU TWO OPTIONS, YOU

GUESS THE RIGHT ONE AND YOU GET

THE POINTS.

ALL RIGHT, HERE WE GO.

HERE WE GO.

DOES HER CHEST FEATURE:

MARLON WAYANS.

>> A BAG OF SPITTLES-- SKITTLES.

(LAUGHTER)

MAYBE BECAUSE MY MOUTH WATERED.

(LAUGHTER)

I THOUGHT ABOUT SKITTLES GOING

DOWN HER BREASTS, LIKE DAMN,

THAT'S LIKE TITTY AND CANDY AT

THE SAME TIME.

IT MADE ME SALIVERATE.

(LAUGHTER)

>> THAT WOULD BE A GREAT NEW

CANDY, TITTLES.

>> Chris: TITTLES!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

AND SO I WOULD TOTALLY ENCOURAGE

THE NEXT TIME A LADY PULLS HER

CANS OUT IN FRONT OF YOU JUST

GO, "TASTE THE RAINBOW."

(LAUGHTER)

RIGHT ON THERE.

SHE'LL LOVE IT.

SHE'LL LOVE IT.

YOU WERE GOING TO SAY SOMETHING?

>> NO, NO, NO.

>> Chris: OKAY.

(LAUGHTER)

LET'S FIND OUT WHAT THE CORRECT

ANSWER IS.

SKITTLES!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> DAMN!

DAMN!

DAMN!

>> Chris: WHY POURING DOWN THE

CLEAVAGE THOUGH?

I DON'T KNOW-- ARE THOSE

LANDING SOMEWHERE ELSE?

>> I THINK BECAUSE GOING INTO

THE BUTTHOLE WOULD JUST BE

WEIRD.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: BY THE WAY--

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU CAN SEE, BUT

APPROPRIATELY HER DRESS

BASICALLY JUST HAS POT LEAVES

ALL OVER IT.

ALL RIGHT, NEXT ONE.

HOW ABOUT THIS WOMAN, WHAT IS ON

HER CHEST?

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

YES, NICK.

>> THREE-PERSON HUMAN CENTIPEDE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

EATING SKITTLES.

THEY'RE ALL EATING SKITTLES.

>> Chris: LET US ALL STEEL

OURSELVES AND FIND OUT TOGETHER.

IT IS IN FACT--

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> AND THEY ARE EATING SKITTLES.

THEY'RE EATING SKITTLES.

THIS MAN HAD A VISION.

>> OH, MY GOSH.

>> SO THEY ARE ALL CONNECTED BY

THE ASS.

>> Chris: YES, BUT IT SAYS,

"WHAT WOULD JESUS DO?"

(LAUGHTER)

>> NOT THAT!

>> IS THAT WHAT THAT SAYS?

>> ALL I CAN THINK IS THAT IS

SOMEBODY'S DAUGHTER.

(LAUGHTER)

>> WHICH ONE?

THE ONE IN THE MIDDLE OR THE ONE

AT THE END?

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

GAME MAN.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THE INTERNET CONTINUED ITS NOBLE

QUEST TO REMEMBER EVERYTHING

FROM THE '80S AND '90S TODAY BY

CELEBRATING THE 25TH ANNIVERSARY

OF THE NINTENDO GAME BOY.

OH, NO!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

GAME BOY IS 25 TODAY, IN THE OLD

DAYS WE DIDN'T HAVE CELLPHONES

ON ROAD TRIPS, WE HAD TO LOOK AT

TWO-TONED GAMES.

WE HAD IT ROUGH.

WE WERE THE PIONEERS.

WE HAD A PUKE GREEN, TWO-PIXEL

HIGH MARIO THAT DIDN'T REALLY

LOOK LIKE MARIO AND THAT'S THE

WAY WE LIKED IT!

GET OFF MY DIGITAL LAWN!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THIS IS HOW CAVE PEOPLE PLAYED

VIDEO GAMES.

COMEDIANS, NOW THAT THE GAME BOY

IS GAME MAN, I WANT YOU GUYS TO

GIVE ME SOME MORE AGE-

APPROPRIATE GAME BOY GAME

TITLES.

I'M GOING TO PUT 60 SECONDS ON

THE CLOCK, STARTING NOW, GO.

KERRI KENNEY.

>> ZELDA GETS A NEW HIP.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS.

MARLON.

>> THE EX-MRS. PACMAN.

>> Chris: YES.

POINTS.

THEY BROKE UP, THEY DID.

YEAH, NICK.

>> SUPER MARIO GREAT

GRANDFATHERS.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: I WILL GIVE YOU

POINTS FOR THAT, SURE.

NICK.

>> NBA 401K.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: SO GOOD.

POINTS.

EXCELLENT.

WELL DONE.

KERRI.

>> MARIO FILES FOR WORKERS'

COMP.

>> Chris: YEAH, HE SHOULD.

NICK.

>> VERY MORTAL COMBAT.

I MEAN WE'RE GOING TO DIE SOON.

>> Chris: POINTS.

MARLON.

>> OLD ASS NINJA TURTLES.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

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