I'm So Bad

  • Season 2, Ep 2
  • 04/08/2014

Amy promotes a spicy new snack for teens, shares binge-eating shame stories with her friends and tries to have pity sex with a prom loser.

And they're hungry.

What else is new?

Sure, they're notlittle kids anymore,

but they still wanta snack that's fun.

That's why they're not gettingregular old chicken fingers.

They're getting--

(all)Finger blasted!

(announcer)Introducing Finger Blasters!

Blast your fingers intoour unique sauce containers,

filled with honey,

tangy barbecue,or salt and vinegar.

Finger blasting is the best.

Finger blastingis the perfect thing

to hold them over untilthey're ready to move onto

something more serious,like dinner.

(announcer)Try one finger at a time.


(announcer)Two fingers.

Mmm, okay!

(announcer)And then,

if everybody's cool with it,work up to three!

No, two is good.

For now.

I'll takewhat I can get.

(announcer)Finger blastingis fun with friends.

But if my friendsaren't around,

I'll just finger blast myself!


(announcer)Don't be a food prude!

Surprise the crew by dippinginto two sauces at once.


That's a shocker.

Let's be real.

They're teens.

They're gonna be snacking.

I feel safe knowingit's under my roof

rather than behind somemovie theater or in the woods.

So get a general sense

of what your kids are puttingin their bodies

and help them--

(all)Get finger blasted!

(announcer)Finger Blasters,

from the makers of Circle Jerky.

Yeah, yeah.No, no.

No, no, no, no, no.

Oh, no, no, no!


(announcer) Mission failed.

You suck.

Oh, you're so close.That was close.

Okay, I want to try,what do I need to know?

Yeah, yeah, okay, well,just let me switch my character

'cause you willruin my rating.

There we go.

Now, it's just like"Call of Duty,"

except the gameplayis way more realistic, so.

Oh, cool,I can be a girl.


Knock yourself out.

I'm gonna grab us beers.

Oh, she's cute.

(man) Listen up, soldiers.

We've received intel that there are insurgents

hiding in that village.

Let's go.

Wait,why am I not moving?

You hang back, private.


(controller clicking)

Wait, what--What the (bleep), no.



What are you doinghanging out in the barrack

all by yourself, lazy?

No, I--I think--

I think my characterwas just raped.


No, no, no, no, no.Yeah.

That's never happened to me,

you must have pressedthe wrong button.

That's not part of the game.

Ted, trust me,it happened.


(announcer) You were just assaulted

by a fellow soldier.

Do you wish to report?


Uh-huh.What is this?

You know what?

Let me go checkthe message boards.

Yes, I wish to report it.

(announcer) Are you sure?

Yes, I'm sure.

Did you know he has a family?


Does that change your mind about reporting?



Level 25 unlocked.

My God.

It's just likea ton of paperwork.


This is great.

Have you seen this pictureof the big, fat Japanese baby?

You're supposed to be checkingthe message boards.

Oh, yeah, yeah,yeah, yeah, yeah.

But you gotta seethat picture later.

(announcer) Paperwork complete.

Welcome to the Pentagon, soldier.

Good luck!

Ooh, the Pentagon.

Watch out, they're attacking your character.

There isn't evenanyone around me.

(man 2) What were you wearing?

Be a team player. Occupational hazard.

You got to go along to get along.

(announcer) Character assassination complete.

Attention, soldier.

Your attacker was found guilty in a military court.

Yes, finally,thank you.

But his commanding officer chose to reject that decision,

so he is now back on active duty.


They can do that?

What the (bleep) is this game?

(bleep) your (bleep) stupidmilitary bull (bleep)!

Hey, hey, hey, hey,language, language.

Be a lady.This is insane.

Why would anyonewant to play this?

Look it.

I checked the message boardsand it doesn't say anything,

so obviously you didsomething wrong.

It's probably bestyou don't play, okay?

(video game music)

Here we go.

(mimics gunfire)

Why are youmaking that noise?

It helps.

(mimics gunfire)

You're so luckyyour dad's dead.

You're telling me.

You guys, I didn't knowmy food came with fries.

I am not eating them.

I have had frieslike three times this week.

I'm so bad.

You can afford it.

No.Who cares?

I ate like, three cansof Pringles yesterday.

Once you pop,they're not joking.

I'm so bad.

Those are like air.

They're literally air.

You don't look fat at all.

No, I was cyberbullying my nieceon Instagram the other day,

and I literallyate 15 mini muffins.

I'm so bad.

They're like pellets,that's nothing.

Are they big muffins?

No.No, they're mini.

Do you know what"mini" means?

It means smaller than big.

Yesterday,after I knelt on my gerbil

to hear what soundit would make,

I like, wasn't thinking.

I ate a ball of mozzarellalike it was a peach.

I'm so bad.

You always look great.

No, I think that's, like,negative calories.

I'm seriously bad.

I can't get out of bedwithout having a calzone.

The other morning,

when that woman walked offthe GW bridge,

I didn't doanything to help her.

It's because I waschewing my calzone.

I'm so bad.

Are you serious?

You're a (bleep) saint.

I'm the bad one.

Two weeks agowhen I was having--

Well, there's no term

for how late termof an abortion this was.

Anyhoo, I literally atean entire bucket of wings

and chased it witha 16-ounce lobster.

I'm like, why am Istill eating for two?

I'm so bad.

Wait, I'm really ashamed

I just told you guysthat I ate like that.

Do you think I'm a monster?


Seafood, it's good for you.


I'm sorry aboutyour abortion.

I took that guy thatI'm dating to the restaurant

where he was molestedand he left crying

and guess who stayed

and ate the entire restof his birthday cake?


I was like, that'll do, pig.

Oink, oink.I'm so bad.

You're not bad.

You're stick thin.

Your thigh gap is, like,the envy of every thigh gap.

Last Saturday, after I tooka smoke machine to the burn unit

to see how they'd react,

I ate so much General Tso'sthey gave me his hat.

It looks insane on me.

I'm so bad.

Shut your dick off.

You look amazing in hatsand you know this.

My dad says I don'tlook good in anything.

Can I offer anyone dessert?


If I--

Like, just one bite?

Would you--

Share something?

Four forks?

(all screaming)

(cries out)

My face!

I'm so bad!I'm so bad!

I'm so--I'm so bad.

I'll have the flan.

This seems bad.

It's not amazing.

Why would PETA use this shot?

This wasn't even duringthe photo shoot.

This was taken duringmy peanut butter break.

You're the one who wantedto pose naked

and pretend it wasfor a good cause

so you wouldn't looklike a whore even though

that's secretly whyeverybody does it.

Can you fix it?Of course.

It's my job.

What about doing someappearances

for Operation Smile?

What is that?

The organization that fixescleft palates.

No, I really don't wantto deal with paint.


Whoa, whoa, whoa,whoa, whoa, wait.

What about pity (bleep)a prom loser?

Yes, that's it, right?

All the hot celebritiesare doing that now.

Yeah, I don't thinkany of them are actually

having sex with the teenagers,

but I don't think that goingto prom is a terrible idea.

Did a student ask you?


Not yet.

But I bet if I just Google it,he's out there somewhere.


You just make surethe press is there.

Oh, I will.Okay.

Will you bring this with you?


Unless you think it's okay.

I--I don't.





Who do we have here?

That's why if you're watching this,

I really hope you agree to come to prom with me.

I promise we'll have a really great time.

Please say yes.

Love, Lucas.

You just got yourselfa prom date, buddy.

Wait, he's still inhigh school.

Well, I hope this kid's readyto eat (bleep) a ton of (bleep).

Wait here untilafter the dance, Montgomery.

Yes, ma'am!

♪ My milkshake bringsall the boys to the yard ♪

♪ And they're likeit's better than yours ♪

♪ Damn right,it's better than yours ♪

♪ I can teach you,but I have to charge ♪

♪ My milkshake bringsall the boys to the yard ♪

♪ And they're likeit's better than yours ♪

♪ Damn right,it's better than yours ♪

♪ I can teach you ♪

Excuse me, ma'am, the Al-Anonmeeting is on Sunday.

No, you silly hooker,I'm here for the prom!



Hi, do I know you?

I'm your celebrity prom date.

I'm Amy Schumer.


Uh, I've never heard of you.

You know, "When's lunch?"

Uh, this is my girlfriendMadison.


What about your YouTube video?

Oh, you mean the one whereI asked Madison to prom?

Did you even watchthe whole thing?

Is anybody (bleep)talking to you, Madison?

This is none of your business.

You seriously needto back off right now.

Excuse me,this is my business.

Oh, really?You know what?

You're ruining the best nightof Lucas' short life, okay?

Whatever, Joy Behar.


Get off of--

You get off!

This is-- Ow!

Oh, my God,you killed him!

Let go!

My God!

I'm a cripple!

You give it back,I brought that!

Out of my way!

These are the best yearsof your lives

because you're (bleep) losers!

You think you couldfollow Tosh?

You can't, I was Variety'stop ten comics to watch 2009!

Montgomery,I'm riding up front!

Whatever you say,Mrs. S!

Oh, my God.

My arms look so skinny.

They do.

They really do.