Joe Biden slams Donald Trump's "malarkey," and Larry examines the appeal of Hillary Clinton's presidential qualifications with Cass Sunstein, Ricky Velez and Grace Parra.
Thank you very much!
-(audience chanting "Larry!")-Welcome to The Nightly Show.
Aw, thank you very much.
Friends, calm down.
We don't have a lot of time,you guys.
Old Lives Matter--remember that.
We found that out. Thank you.
Thank you, ma'am.She's right. She's, like...
I got it so wrong.
Well, all lives matter.It was...
"I said 'Old Lives Matter,'Larry!"
Come here early--you'll find out what's going on.
Uh... of course,there's a lot of...
big convention newsto talk about, you guys,
so let's see what's happenin'with the Unblackenin'.
Wow. So Hillary Clinton
officially acceptedthe Democratic nomination
for president tonight,
and we taped this beforeshe officially accepted it,
so... I don't know, there'sstill a chance she didn't.
You know, right? I don't knowHillary that well, you guys.
Guys, there's stilla .000000009% chance
she doesn't wantto be president. I don't know.
Don't tell me, don't tell mewhat happened. No spoilers.
Okay. We'll have more on thattomorrow, I promise.
But the convention started offlast night
in the same way, um,I start off every morning--
uh, with somegood old-fashioned Trump slams.
Donald Trump issuch a moral disaster.
The richest thing aboutDonald Trump is his hypocrisy.
The Donald is not reallya plans guy.
He has no clueabout what makes America great.
Actually, he has no clue,period.
I got one, I got one, I got one!
Uh, he's stupid.
I got another one.He's still stupid.
Okay. But the slams weren'tjust coming from the stage,
they were also going at the stage.
For example, look whathappened to Leon Panetti...
Leon Panetta-- sorry.Not to be confused
with his panini-making cousin,Leon Panera, so...
You got to try his bread bowls,though-- they're unbelievable.
...dictators, from SaddamHussein to Vladimir Putin.
(chanting): No more war!No more war! No more...
Yeah, so... Yeah, the crowdwas yelling, "No more war."
Now, the audience apparentlywasn't happy with Panetta,
because, as former CIA directorand defense secretary,
many of the progressivesblame him for, you know,
escalating drone strikes,such as the one
that was recently responsiblefor the deaths
of at least 73 innocent peoplein Syria.
All right,let's get back to the fun stuff.
Well, Joe Biden, in a momentof uncensored anger,
let out an expletive
that somehow was not bleepedby the network.
He cares about the middle class?
Give me a break!
That's a bunch of malarkey!
-(laughter, gasps)-Oh! Wha...?
He said the M-word!
How am I supposedto explain that to my kids, Joe?
Or anybody who wasn't bornbefore 1920. Hmm?
But the speech of the nightbelonged to President Obama,
who did his typicalsoaring rhetoric.
You saw that? With the... withthe call-and-response, right?
Though some of the responsesto the call was a little odd.
And that's why we cantake the food and music
and holidays and stylesof other countries
and blend it into somethinguniquely our own.
What kind of...
How much do you want to bea part of this speech?
"Like gumbo, right,Mr. President? Like gumbo.
We're on the same page."
You're not doing the speechwith him, calm down.
But Obama did more thandescribe Cajun seafood stews.
He also reminded themof a very important task.
And then there's Donald Trump...
Don't boo. Vote.
Although I have to say--"don't boo"?
Um, I'll tell youwho won't like that-- ghosts.
In fact, we've just received--I'm not making this up--
we've just received a formalstatement from ghosts.
But Obama made it clear to theaudience, uh, how he really felt
about his bestie,Hillary Clinton.
I can say with confidencethere has never been
a man or a woman--
not me, not Bill, nobody--
more qualifiedthan Hillary Clinton
to serve as president
of the United States of America.
-(cheering, applause)-Man. Whew.
Move over, Gayle King,
'cause Hillary officiallyhas the best black friend ever.
Oh, you know.Right, that's Oprah.
Uh, now, last night wasn't justabout saying good-bye to Obama,
it was also about saying helloto Tim Kaine.
Or should I say "Hola, Señor Kaine"?
The best complimentthat you could pay to somebody
was to say thatthey were "listo."
Not "inteligente"-- "smart."
Not "amable"-- "friendly."
Not "rico"-- "rich."
But listo. Listo.
Is it just me or doesTim Kaine seem like
a laid-backmiddle school teacher, right?
So, check it out, guys.
The only homeworkthis weekend... (scoffs)
is to have fun.
But some had a problemwith this, uh, white man
who was speaking the languageof el diablo.
Hillary Clinton,instead of choosing a Latino,
she chose an old white manwho speaks Spanish.
That is a slap in the faceto Hispanic Americans.
What? Are you kidding me?
Hey, Hispanic Americanslove slaps in the face.
It's what 90%of telenovelas are about.
All right? Got it?
Don't be telling me.
No, angry Trump lady,
as far as Latinos are concerned,
this is moreof a slap in the face.
When Mexico sends its people,they're not sending their best.
They're bringing drugs,they're bringing crime.
And... Yeah. AndAngry Trump Lady's not alone.
This, uh, blonde-ito on CNNshared her, uh, Univision.
I'm hoping I'm not gonna have tokind of start brushing up back
on my Dora the Explorer to understand
some of the speeches giventhis week.
Brushing upon Dora the Explorer?
What, you mean learningabout maps and thieving weasels?
I don't... What does...what does that mean?
What's wrong with speakinganother language?
Look, for her thoughts, we turnto Nightly Show contributor
and resident Latina,Grace Parra.
-Thank you. Oh, thank you.-(cheering and applause)
Thank you. Thanks, Larry.
What the (bleep)
is so wrong with people learninga second language?
Is it becausethat language is Spanish?
We really don't want to thinkour politicians are smart enough
to speak another language?
Look, if Trump started to breakout into a little German,
I get it,that would be terrifying.
But we are talkingabout our neighbor, Mexico.
We share a border with them.Nobody gets upset
when Americans just break outinto Canadian.
Uh, Grace, I-I don't thinkthat's a language.
Oh-ho, you don't know whatyou're talking aboot, Larry.
Of course it is, eh?
Grace, that was horrible.
Look, are we so non-aspirational
that we have to continuallydeclare war on knowing things?
I mean, even the pied piperof the uneducated himself,
is married to a womanwho speaks many languages--
Slovenian, English,French, Serbian,
German, Michelle Obama.
(cheering and applause)
once again, Grace,
I don't think Michelle Obama'stechnically a language.
I mean, it's a nice j...
We should encourageall Americans to be smart
and to do thingslike learn Spanish,
as opposedto just speaking English louder
around someonewho speaks Spanish.
She's right. Very nice.
-Grace Parra, everybody.-Oh, that's Parra.
-That's right. Parra. -Parr... Parra.
-Parra. Parra. We'll beright back! -Parra. Parra.
Um, as I discussed on the showlast night,
Bill O'Reillyhad a white-hot take
after Michelle Obama saidin her convention speech
that the White Housewas built by slaves.
Um, here's how I reactedlast night.
Michelle Obama is essentiallycorrect in citing slaves
as builders of the White House.
Slaves that worked there werewell fed and had decent lodgings
provided by the government.
Your takeaway about slaveryis that they were well fed?
Ooh. (Southern accent):Thank you, Massa O'Reilly,
for-for clarifying meabout slavery!
I-I pull out my slave impressionnow and then for these moments.
Well, O'Reilly hada full 24 hours to rethink it.
Did he double downon his comments
or did he show contrition inthe wake of his insensitivity?
The answer might surprise you.
If you don't knowwho Bill O'Reilly is.
For the rest of you,here is the obvious.
That commentary, 100% accurate,
providing contextto Mrs. Obama's remarks
and explaininghow the administration
of George Washingtonconducted itself
in the constructionof the executive mansion.
Are you kidding me?
What is wrong with this man?
I mean, this is clearlyall part of O'Reilly's research
into his new book Killing Sanity.
(laughter and applause)
Because who the (bleep) findsthe silver lining in slavery?
But it brings upan interesting question.
Is this kind of context helpfulin the discussion of slavery?
Well, there's only one wayto get to the bottom of it,
an old-fashionedcable news argument.
So, without further adieu,here's another installment
of Pardon the Integration.
Please, welcome Nightly Show contributors
Mike Yard and Rory Albanese.
All right, guys.
Okay, tonight's topic:
O'Reilly's White Houseslave comments.
Rory, you'll startby taking O'Reilly's side and,
Mike, you'll argue against.
No, no, no, no, no.
-What? What, what?-Nope, nope, nope.
This time, I want to start
by taking the bad side.
Yeah,because whenever we do this,
-Uh-huh. -I start by takingthe sensible position
-No, no, no. -and then Rorytakes the ignorant position,
and then we switch and-and-and
-What?-at the end of the segment
-Mike. -with me takingthe controversial side,
-Uh-huh. -and then you tas...you two say I'm a dick,
-so no.-No, Mike, no.
-We don't...-No, this time...
I'm gonna start with takingthe crazy position.
Mike, we don't do... Mike...
Yes, you do.
Oh, okay, Mike, well,you know we love you.
Okay, sure.Okay, you know,
we'll try it that way,all right?
-Thank you.-Yeah, it's fine with me.
-I don't care.-Okay.
Not falling for that(bleep) again.
Mike, no one's gonna do...
Okay, Mike, okay, you're ready?
So, tell us why Bill O'Reillywas right and begin.
Well, O'Reilly was simplypointing out the fact
that not all slaveswere treated that badly.
I-I-I-I cannot even believeyou just said that.
Yeah, Mike, what the (bleep)?
(laughter and applause)
what's wrong with you, brother?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,that's not how it works!
-That's not...-Larry, Larry, Larry.
I... this might seem weird,but, like...
I kind of don't wantto do this anymore.
No, it just...it feels icky now.
-It just feels icky, I don't...-You know what,
-let's just end this right now.-(bell dings)
-And the winner is Rory-Yeah!
-because Mike is totally finewith slavery -What?!
and loves Bill O'Reilly.
Oh, thank you.
-La-Larry, uh, if I...-Yes?
-if I-- if I could,it-it feels appropriate. -Sure.
I'd-I'd like to dedicatemy decisive victory
to the descendents of slaves.
Oh, I'll take that.
-That feels like what? Yeah.-Aw, Rory.
-I don't believe this (bleep).-It feels like the right thing
-to do. It does. -I don't evenknow if I know, Mike.
This has beena heartbreaking episode
-of Pardon the Integration.-Wow.
Mike Yard and Rory Albanese,everybody!
-We'll be right back.-Wow.
I don't know whyhe would say that.
All right, welcome back!I'm here with my panel.
First up, Nightly Show contributor Ricky Velez.
(cheering and applause)
And Nightly Show contributorGrace Parra.
(cheering and applause)
And his new book,
The World According to Star Wars is out now.
Author, Harvard Law professor,and former administrator
of the White HouseOffice of Information
and Regulatory Affairs,Cass Sunstein.
(cheers and applause)
And for everyone at home, joinour conversation right now
on Twitter @NightlyShowusing the hashtag #Tonightly.
So right now, as we're airing,probably, or...
No, maybe, uh,maybe it just happened.
Hillary has already acceptedthe Democratic nomination.
And last night, Obama threw hisfull support behind Hillary.
And one of the things thatstruck me was when he was saying
she was the most qualifiedperson that had ever run.
So my question is:
Do the American people even careabout qualifications right now?
They certainly do.
-Especially at the...-WILMORE: Evidence, please.
The election of Barack Obama.
WILMORE: Yes, they caredabout it in 2008 and 2012.
But they-they tried to use itagainst Obama in that election.
And they did not succeed.
So you think they careabout qualifications right now.
So, you know,this is a very difficult time
in terms of a lot of peoplefacing economic distress.
-There are internationalthreats. -WILMORE: Mm-hmm.
Uh, these are in the news.
To have someone who has beensecretary of state,
who's dealt with issuesof economic policy,
both from the Senateand in the White House.
People care a great dealabout that.
WILMORE: You've heardof Donald Trump, right?
-He has a, a tower, a towerin New York? -It is true.
I think thatthe main qualification
that some people have, is, uh,
just that you're notHillary Clinton.
Like, I feel like a bunchof Republicans
that all they care about
is as long as you're notHillary, we're good.
Which is, which is unfortunate,
because she's so well...she's so experienced.
She's somebody that we should belooking at and thinking,
"I want to vote for Hillarybecause she's Hillary,"
and not vote for somebodyjust because they're not Trump.
But I do feellike we're in a very
-binary election right now.-(applause)
And it's, it's, it's honestlylike either pro-Trump,
or anti-Trump, and lesspro-Trump or pro-Hillary.
Mm-hmm. What were you goingto say, Rick?
Americans don't careabout qualifications, man.
You hired me on this show,a political show.
-You don't care aboutqualifications. -Guilty.
But you area very funny young man.
I tell dick jokes, Larry,that's my job.
It's all about balance, man,it's all about balance.
I'm just looking outfor my homies.
So do you think it's goingto be more of an anti...
like, uh,the message of the DNC,
was it more anti-Trumpor pro-Hillary?
-SUNSTEIN: Completelycomparative. -WILMORE: Uh-huh.
So, it's you have one personwho has a record of distinction,
with achievementsin the domestic
and international arena.
Someone who,the more people get to know,
the more they admireand like her.
The people who love her mostare the people
who have workedwith her more closely.
Then you have someone...
Those are the peoplethat love her the most.
Yeah, the people who have workedwith her the most closely.
They admire herand they like her.
-Then you have someone...-With Trump it's the opposite.
-Then you have someone...-The people that love him
the most are the peoplethat know him the least.
Well, his family,his family loves him.
-Yes, well.-But I think,
if you get thembehind closed doors,
I think they're not thinking
this guy really should bepresident of the United States.
-WILMORE: You think so?-I don't think
-that they think that.-Really?
SUNSTEIN: I don't thinkthey're thinking that.
(cheers and applause)
You know what?
I think, uh, Eric Trump kind ofhas that look in his eyes.
It would have to be a closed...
WILMORE:He kind of has that, ah...
...have to be a closedand soundproof door,
but who would have thought,
he has a TV show, The Apprentice, remember that?
There was a Star Wars themeon one of the episodes
where he was talkingto Darth Vader.
I don't thinkthat's the qualification
that even his family thinks...
Uh, you may be giving his familytoo much credit.
-(laughter)-Not to disparage Donald Trump.
I don't thinkthis is the last Trump
who's gonna run for president,
by the way.I'm sure there's gonna be...
I feel like Ivanka's got itin her eyes.
-She's-she's ready for it. 20...-You think they're ready?
Oh, yeah, I think.Don't you think?
I've been looking in those eyes.Yeah, I get it.
I will vote for that Trump 100%.
WILMORE:You know, Ricky...
-I don't know the namesof the other ones. -Yeah.
-Who knows the other Trumps?Nobody. -Yeah.
It's Ivanka and Donald.
PARRA: I feel bad for...I know Tiffany 'cause
I feel badthat she's the non-Ivanka one.
You just called her uglyin a nice way.
-That's what you just said.-(laughter)
-That's what she just said.Yes, she did. -(applause)
-WILMORE: What, uh...?-She has character.
-She has character. -She hascharacter?! No. -I mean...
It's so odd to me because
the numbers are so closetogether, you know, right now.
Now that we're at the endof this convention,
which do you think resonatedwith the American people more?
-VELEZ: Yeah. -Some of them areamused by the Republican one,
but it's notkind of charging...
It's like some NASCAR (bleep).
-Yeah.-Oh, it's interesting...
-A lot like that. -Yeah.-Well, the Democratic...
If there was somebody otherthan Trump for the Republicans,
would that make a differenceright now, do you think?
-VELEZ: What?!-SUNSTEIN: I think so, sure.
You think so, really?
If they had one of the ones
-who had experience.-WILMORE: Mm-hmm.
-You know, Jeb Bush, or, uh...Senator Kasich. -Mm-hmm.
Jeb exclamation point--do you think he'd have a shot?
-(laughter)-Uh, right, I think
-maybe he didn't needthe exclamation point. -Right.
Maybe if he had two exclamationpoints, he'd be the nominee.
-Yeah. -Couldn't he?-(laughter)
But some of the Republicans--they'd be formidable.
-Mm-hmm. -And they wouldn't beturning off their own party
-in the way that Trump is.-Right.
Now Trump does have a kind ofTV show Apprentice,
-...which the other onesdidn't have. -Yes.
But it would be a more serious,
-I think, in the end,than competition. -Yeah.
And you think it would bethe same or different?
-No, it would be different.-Uh-huh.
-This guy's wild!-(laughter)
I would rather vote
-for Stone Cold Steve Austinat this point. -(laughter)
-(applause & cheering) -Mm-hmm.Mm-hmm. Yeah. -WILMORE: Right.
He's just breaking beerstogether. Aah!
-It would be amazing!-WILMORE: Yeah.
Now that Hillaryis actually the nominee,
-does it feel different?-VELEZ: Yes.
As a woman, it does.
-Uh-huh.-It feels real good.
-(cheers and applause) -Yeah?Uh-huh. -It feels real good.
But I also am a Bernie fan,
and I have to say,it felt a little bittersweet.
-You know, I like Bernie a lot.It was... -Yeah.
It's been sad, I think, the lastcouple of days to see him.
I mean, it's kind of torturous
to make him sit through hourafter hour after hour.
Well, he's supportingthe party, you know.
-I know, I know. He is.He is. He is. -But just...
He's never been to a partythat late, that's the thing.
-You know.-(laughter, applause)
You know, that's the issue.
I felt so bad,'cause he's not gonna be able
to run again and, like...
-WILMORE: Well, maybehe doesn't want to. -He's old.
I feel like... I feel likethey should have done, like,
what they did at the endof Radio, the movie...
-(laughter)-WILMORE: I'm scared right now.
Where they let him runin a touchdown just to have it.
(applause and cheering)
-Oh, that's...-Oh, my God.
Just... just let him play.
-Just let...-WILMORE: How's he gonna...?
Have him show upat the inauguration.
Just-just swear ina little bit, man.
-(laughter)-Just swear in a little bit.
-(applause and cheering)-That's... that's messed up.
All right. Radio-- that's theanalogy we've been waiting for.
-(laughter)-Okay, we'll be right back.
-(applause and cheering)-(laughing): Oh, my God!
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grab tickets to The Nightly Show.