Philadelphia

  • Season 1, Ep 7
  • 11/13/2016

Kevin hones his bartending skills in the City of Brotherly Love and presents stand-up from TuRae Gordon, Lawrence Killebrew, Anthony Moore and Skeet Carter.

- Hey.- What up, what up?

- There they go, sit down.- What's up, man?

- Clean that seat out.Y'all want something to drink?

Yeah, you do. Look like I'mtalking to two beer me, ain't I?

Huh?Shit, that's--watch yourselves.

Anybody cut?Everybody all right?

Okay, let me clean that up.Watch your leg, Joey,

'causethat glass can get in your skin,

and we can't get it out.

Brother, I got a new hobby, man.

- A hobby?- Yes.

Mixology, man.This is my new thing.

- Kev, you know you got to go toschool for bartending.

You know that, right?- I don't have to go to school

for nothing, okay?

I took a app.

- An app?- Yes.

Download a app on my phone,mixology app,

read it for two minutes.

I got it all in my head,brother.

Kev, people study for years tobecome good bartenders.

You gonna learn from a app?

- Same people that study foryears are the same people

that created the app, so I don'thave to study for years, Harry.

- Give me a lemon drop.

- I don't--that's not in theapp.

I don't know what--I don't knowhow to do that.

- All right, let me make itsimple.

Give me a gin and juice.

- Yes, that's easy.That's easy.

- Are we talking about drinksfrom the States,

or are you guys in Japan?Where are y'all at?

Where do--let's talk about--

- The ingredients are in thename, Kev.

- Brother, if I'm themixologist, let me mix, okay?

Let me--let me bring to you whatI do best.

Can we do that?- Have at it.

- Huh?Ooh.

Go boy.Huh?

Is it a basketball, or is it abottle?

What do I have?- Hey, man, just--

- Whoo.- Huh?

- You want a long pouror a short pour?

- I just want it in the glass.- I'ma give you a long.

Uh-oh.

Still in the glass.- Just-just--

- Still in the glass.

Who like dark?

I can't see nothing, 'cause Ilike dark.

Boy, watch this.

Mm, hit 'em with it.Splash that on 'em, right?

- You're getting--

- Brother, y'all like olives orno?

Shit, grab that one for me?

- Don't--- Pass it back to me.

I got you, brother.- I'm not gonna do this.

- Saw this yesterday--Joey, comehere, Joey.

- I'm not gonna do it.- Joey, brother,

let me show yousomething.

I'm done, man. I can't.- Just let me--come here.

Taste what I got.Harry. Harry!

Joey! Huh?

It's called a DoohickeyDirt Right.

That is fucking disgusting.

But the craziest thing Ifound out at school is that some

white people say the N word.

And not even, like, racist whitepeople,

just your regular, wholesome,pumpkin spice lovers, like...

[laughter]

Like,true story.

I'm hanging out with my friendJimmy one day

watching thebasketball game.

Point guard is coming up thecourt, does a in-and-out move,

loses with the ballout-of-bounds.

Jimmy just snaps, like, "Oh, myGod.

This nigga..."

But I couldn't even be mad,because we said it

at the same time.

Like, I wanted to be upset,

but he used it in the rightcontext, man.

I was just sitting there amazed,like, "Well, damn.

"Jimmy sure knows how to use his'niggas.'

Like--he must have UrbanDictionary'd this, man."

[laughter]

Now Ialso have gay friends,

and I'matell you something.

If you don't have some gayfriends already,

you need to get you some,because gay people are

unstoppable right now.

Like, I'm telling you.

It seems like they get paradesonce a month.

They getting laws passed.

They almost got Chick-Fil-A openon Sundays.

Like, I was--that lemonade, oh,my...

[laughter]

That lemonade is heavenly,right?

Like, it's like it's made fromBeyoncé's sweat, man.

Like, look, it's two groups ofpeople

you got to get in good with.

It's two groups of people thatrun the world.

The first group are gay people.

The second group are Jewishpeople.

So if I ever get into legaltrouble, my lawyer is gonna be

the gayest Jew I could findLike, I'm telling you,

he gonna come in the courtroomwith a nice rainbow yarmulke,

tailored Versace suit--and notjust a regular one.

Like, a suit from the closetVersace came out of.

Like, he--he won't play thepart, man.

Just walk in the courtroom allhappy and energetic, like,

"Well, shalom, Your Honor.Like..."

[laughter]

"Like, this is my client.

My name is Devonte Bernstein."Like, oh.

[laughter]

The prosecution needs a recess,man.

Didn't know he was gettingDevonte.

[laughter]

Philly it teaches you to beyourself.

- Okay.- Like, be comfortable--like,

Philly don't--they don't likefake stuff.

You've got to be--you've got tocome original.

- This is my favorite question Ilike to ask.

Worst show?- Yeah, it was one--

no-chair,standing only, so--

- There's no chairs?- Yeah.

- Okay, well, let's just--foreverybody at home watching right

now, let me explain to you whychairs

are important for standupcomedy.

You know, they set the tone of aroom.

People sit down, it means that ashow is coming.

- So then they had the rappersgo on--

- Oh, you followed rappers.- They had the rappers, then--

yeah, then--then after that,then they had a twerk contest.

- Oh, you followed a twerkcontest.

This is like a horror film.

- So then the host was like,

"All right, so y'all ready for acomedian?"

[laughter]

And as soon as he said that,immediately started booing.

- Honestly, that might be theworst environment for comedy

I've ever heard in my life.

Judging by the environment, I'mnot going to say that these

were amazing twerkers.

It ain't--I think that could bethe worst thing in the world.

Following a bad twerker?

You follow a girl that got booedtwerking,

you don't stand achance.

The good news is that you'restill standing brother.

It's not about when you bomb.It's about surviving the bomb.

Warmdaddy's, that's where we'regoing tonight.

What's the vibe?

- Warmdaddy's--you have to bringthe funny,

because the food is good.

So if you ain't funny, theygonna eat that food.

So you got to get them out ofthe corn bread.

You got to get them out of themacaroni and cheese.

- You don't want to hear themforks.

- Yeah, they--if you starthearing, "Num, num.

Pass the salt and pepper," youain't doing something right.

- What does this moment mean foryou guys?

- Oh, this is everything.I've been waiting for this.

- I'm excited about now, but I'mreally excited

about what's gonna come afterthis.

Like, this is--this is great.- What about you?

- I just want the check thatthey gonna pay me for the show.

'Cause I got--my bills is backedup.

- There's stuff going on rightnow.

- It's going on.See, these--they young.

I'm a little older, so the checkis what's most important for me.

I got some backed-up bills,bro.

They need to postdate thattoday.

I need that now.

I'm dead serious.Y'all think I'm playing.

- Do you ever--or put it likethis, right?

- It's rough, man.

It's rough out here in thesestreets.

- But don't you want the fametoo?

- Listen, man, I want that checktoday.

[laughter]

[light jazzy music]

Philly make some noise in here

show them what we got, show themwhat we got.

[cheers and applause]

All right, I don't know aboutthe rest of these comedians

I'm about to put on stage.

I'm just here to get this moneyfor this cable bill.

You understand what I'm saying?

Like, it ain't the cable bill,per se.

It's that fucking bundle, 'causeyou never know

what's in a bundle till youdon't pay that bitch.

That's--that's where you geteducation.

I didn't pay the bundle onemonth.

They sent my daughter home fromschool.

It was like.