Dan Soder: Not Special

  • 05/21/2016

Dan Soder reveals why he quit smoking cigarettes (but not weed), explains that he doesn't respect sommeliers and describes how the Internet made him appreciate real-life jerks.

I'm trying to get healthier.

I'm trying to make myselfa better person.

I just hit 2 1/2 yearsof quitting smoking cigarettes,


[cheers and applause]- Boo!

- Thank you, but no.

Wait.Did someone boo that?

What, is the [bleep]Marlboro Man here?

Why would you boo that?

Big Tobaccoin the second balcony.

"You should keep going.

Remember how relaxedit made you?"




I mean, I do think--I think it's awesome.

I think smoking's still cool.How about that?

Yeah, it's still cool.- Whoo!

- There is nothing coolerthan watching a 90-year-old man

smoke a cigarette

with that look on his face,

like, "Yeah...

I won."


When you put it like that,I think you did.

Smoke two.You're playing with house money.

I do recommend quitting smoking.

There are a lotof great benefits.

You save money.

Immediately, 50% lesscrazy people in your life.


Because when yousmoke cigarettes in any city

and you go outsideand light one up,

you might as welljust shoot a [bleep] flare

into the sky

that tells every drunkand insane person

you feel like havinga conversation.

That little orange ember

becomes like a lighthousefor the mentally ill.


They could be five blocks away,

taking a [bleep]in a garbage can.

They see you smoking,they're like...


"I'm gonna go talk to that guy.

He needs a friendwhile he destroys himself."

Just not good people.

You never meet good peoplesmoking cigarettes, ever.

I promise you that.

You never see a pillarof the community

stop and talk to you.


Never a businessmanbriskly walking to work

and then just like,"Hey, here's a stock tip."

And you're like, "Oh,I didn't know they went public."

That's not what you get.

You get a guyin [bleep] tin foil pants,

wearing a soiled lotto shirt,

just mouth-breathingin your face.

I've seen so many deranged faces

'cause of the cigarettesI've smoked.

It's like me and the HR guyat a carnival.

That's it.

We've seen the grossest faces.

I just hung out with my grandmafor a week,

a week with an 88-year-old lady.

Whew, you run out of topics

to talk about quickly.

Just sitting therestaring at her like,

"Well, uh..."


Dude, 88.

Crossword puzzles every day.

She drives.That's super dangerous.


We play gin rummy all the time.

Oh, she talks about death

with an easethat rattles my bones.

Holy [bleep], it's creepy.

It's like gang membersand my nana

talk about death the same way.

Like, "These streetsgonna take me out?

I ain't a littlemark-ass bitch."

And you're like,"All right, Nana, stop it.

Stop it, Nana."

You ever talk to anyoneover 80 about death?

It's just facts,

no emotions.

Closest I've ever cameto interviewing a serial killer.

Just sitting there like,

"Nana, what happenedto Rose next door?"

"She's gone."


"Did she move?"

"You're never gonna find her."

"D-d-did you kill Rose?"

She's like...[chuckling]

"Gin.""Oh, you sneaky bitch.

You're so goodat this game, Nana."


She does just kick the shitout of me in gin rummy

all the time.

It's pretty[bleep] embarrassing.

And I was a weird kid.

I had a ginormous headand a tiny body.

I had this voice.

I found a DVD--I found a DVD

of my--my cousin'sseventh birthday party

that my aunt took from a tapeand put it on a DVD,

and I watched it.

And my little cousin'sjust playing pinball,

and then I just trotinto the shot,

and I'm like, "When the lightgoes off, it means you're done!"

I'm like, "Oh, my God.

"That's a lifelong thing?

What, did a witch curse my momwhen she was pregnant?"

"Your son will havethe voice of thunder...

and the head of a float."

Just like...



It is--like, [bleep] this deep voice.

I would have liked it if I wasalive, like, 70 years ago.

then I could have beenin one of those groups

where all I do is just go...

♪ A-bum-bum-bum

And some record exec is like,"That guy's got talent."

I'm like...[gibbering]

And I had that voice as a kid.

For a single mom.

My mom's just tryingto catch some D on the weekend.

And I come bumblingdown the hall,

like, "Argh-argh-argh-ragh!"

"Yeah, nope, nope,sorry, later."


That's a lot of effort.

Single mom in the '80s dating?

That's some [bleep] effort.

Now you can just Tinderfrom the couch.

Keep swiping left until you findyour kid a new dad.

There is some nice, fun parts

about, like, being--you know,dating and meeting someone new.

Crushes, which I thinkare overrated.

I don't know if I--yeah, [bleep] crushes.

They suck.

Does anyone ever--it's never good.

Crushes don't end well.

That, I know for sure.

Crushes never end well.

Crushes end in two ways:

heartbreak or murder.

That's it.

You're either gonna listento sad songs

or get rid of a handful of teethinto a lake.

That's what's gonna happen.

Is that--that's probablytoo dark on that one.

What I'm trying to say is,I have a crush on someone.


Be at peace.

No, no.[laughter]




I do--I can tell that I'm moremature because of this crush.

Like, I can tell I'ma little bit more of a grownup

because of this crush,

because when I had crusheswhen I was a teenager,

it was very, like,childlike and innocent,

and I was just like,"I just want to hold her hand

and kiss her face."

And now, at 32,when I have a crush,

I'm like,"I want to eat her butt.

"Like, I want to eat it,

like, consistently put my mouthon her worst place."

[growls and laughs]


And now I'm single,and it's like, you know,

there's guys out therethat are very, like,

"I'm ready to crush some pussy."

It's just...

No woman--women don't want that.

If I ever met a girlthat was like,

"Destroy my vagina."

You should probablycall your dad.

I think there's some deep issuesbubbling under the surface.

I feel they'reout of my pay grade.

Still smoke weed...medicinally.


Strictly medicinally.

I've got a chronic caseof Netflix.

No, that's dumb.That's--

You guys deservea better joke than that,

and I apologize.

I just don't thinkweed's a drug.

Personally, I don't viewmarijuana like it is a drug.

I just don't thinkof it like that.

[cheers and applause]

And it's nice to bein the room

with like-minded individuals.

I travel a lot,

and some cities I go tostill view marijuana

like it is a class one narcotic.

Um...if you think weedis a drug,

you're adorable.

You really are.

Oh, you arethe cutest thing ever.

Do you also thinkvoting for president matters?


It doesn't.


If you wantto call marijuana a drug

to stop children from doing it,

[bleep] way on board with that,absolutely.

But I'm 32.

Just let me have this one.

Have you smoked weedin your 30s?

It's not that fun.

It's not fun enoughto call a drug.

That, I know for sure.

To me, when you callsomething a drug,

it means you're havinga [bleep] blast

while you're doing it.

Maybe when I was a teenager,maybe, with weed.

Drink a bunch of beers.Light up a joint.

Like, where is this nightgonna take me?


I don't know.

I'm getting high...

on drugs.

Now, at 32,I just...wait...


Till it gets late.

Then I put on sweatpants.


And I smoke, and I get nervousfor three hours.

I don't think that's a drug.I don't--

[cheers and applause]

I don't think you can call--


I don't think anyone's doingthat in an abandoned warehouse

shirtless, listeningto electric dance music.


It's like, "Let the beat drop."

You're like, "Please don'tlet anything drop.

I am so nervous."