Dan Soder: Not Special

  • 05/21/2016

Dan Soder reveals why he quit smoking cigarettes (but not weed), explains that he doesn't respect sommeliers and describes how the Internet made him appreciate real-life jerks.

I'm trying to get healthier.

I'm trying to make myselfa better person.

I just hit 2 1/2 yearsof quitting smoking cigarettes,

which...

[cheers and applause]- Boo!

- Thank you, but no.

Wait.Did someone boo that?

What, is the [bleep]Marlboro Man here?

Why would you boo that?

Big Tobaccoin the second balcony.

"You should keep going.

Remember how relaxedit made you?"

Yes.

[laughter]

[laughs]

I mean, I do think--I think it's awesome.

I think smoking's still cool.How about that?

Yeah, it's still cool.- Whoo!

- There is nothing coolerthan watching a 90-year-old man

smoke a cigarette

with that look on his face,

like, "Yeah...

I won."

Yeah.

When you put it like that,I think you did.

Smoke two.You're playing with house money.

I do recommend quitting smoking.

There are a lotof great benefits.

You save money.

Immediately, 50% lesscrazy people in your life.

Immediately.

Because when yousmoke cigarettes in any city

and you go outsideand light one up,

you might as welljust shoot a [bleep] flare

into the sky

that tells every drunkand insane person

you feel like havinga conversation.

That little orange ember

becomes like a lighthousefor the mentally ill.

[laughter]

They could be five blocks away,

taking a [bleep]in a garbage can.

They see you smoking,they're like...

[grunting]

"I'm gonna go talk to that guy.

He needs a friendwhile he destroys himself."

Just not good people.

You never meet good peoplesmoking cigarettes, ever.

I promise you that.

You never see a pillarof the community

stop and talk to you.

[laughs]

Never a businessmanbriskly walking to work

and then just like,"Hey, here's a stock tip."

And you're like, "Oh,I didn't know they went public."

That's not what you get.

You get a guyin [bleep] tin foil pants,

wearing a soiled lotto shirt,

just mouth-breathingin your face.

I've seen so many deranged faces

'cause of the cigarettesI've smoked.

It's like me and the HR guyat a carnival.

That's it.

We've seen the grossest faces.

I just hung out with my grandmafor a week,

a week with an 88-year-old lady.

Whew, you run out of topics

to talk about quickly.

Just sitting therestaring at her like,

"Well, uh..."

[sputters]

Dude, 88.

Crossword puzzles every day.

She drives.That's super dangerous.

[laughter]

We play gin rummy all the time.

Oh, she talks about death

with an easethat rattles my bones.

Holy [bleep], it's creepy.

It's like gang membersand my nana

talk about death the same way.

Like, "These streetsgonna take me out?

I ain't a littlemark-ass bitch."

And you're like,"All right, Nana, stop it.

Stop it, Nana."

You ever talk to anyoneover 80 about death?

It's just facts,

no emotions.

Closest I've ever cameto interviewing a serial killer.

Just sitting there like,

"Nana, what happenedto Rose next door?"

"She's gone."

[laughter]

"Did she move?"

"You're never gonna find her."

"D-d-did you kill Rose?"

She's like...[chuckling]

"Gin.""Oh, you sneaky bitch.

You're so goodat this game, Nana."

[laughter]

She does just kick the shitout of me in gin rummy

all the time.

It's pretty[bleep] embarrassing.

And I was a weird kid.

I had a ginormous headand a tiny body.

I had this voice.

I found a DVD--I found a DVD

of my--my cousin'sseventh birthday party

that my aunt took from a tapeand put it on a DVD,

and I watched it.

And my little cousin'sjust playing pinball,

and then I just trotinto the shot,

and I'm like, "When the lightgoes off, it means you're done!"

I'm like, "Oh, my God.

"That's a lifelong thing?

What, did a witch curse my momwhen she was pregnant?"

"Your son will havethe voice of thunder...

and the head of a float."

Just like...

[laughs]

[laughter]

It is--like, [bleep] this deep voice.

I would have liked it if I wasalive, like, 70 years ago.

then I could have beenin one of those groups

where all I do is just go...

♪ A-bum-bum-bum

And some record exec is like,"That guy's got talent."

I'm like...[gibbering]

And I had that voice as a kid.

For a single mom.

My mom's just tryingto catch some D on the weekend.

And I come bumblingdown the hall,

like, "Argh-argh-argh-ragh!"

"Yeah, nope, nope,sorry, later."

[laughter]

That's a lot of effort.

Single mom in the '80s dating?

That's some [bleep] effort.

Now you can just Tinderfrom the couch.

Keep swiping left until you findyour kid a new dad.

There is some nice, fun parts

about, like, being--you know,dating and meeting someone new.

Crushes, which I thinkare overrated.

I don't know if I--yeah, [bleep] crushes.

They suck.

Does anyone ever--it's never good.

Crushes don't end well.

That, I know for sure.

Crushes never end well.

Crushes end in two ways:

heartbreak or murder.

That's it.

You're either gonna listento sad songs

or get rid of a handful of teethinto a lake.

That's what's gonna happen.

Is that--that's probablytoo dark on that one.

What I'm trying to say is,I have a crush on someone.

[laughter]

Be at peace.

No, no.[laughter]

[laughs]

[applause]

No.

I do--I can tell that I'm moremature because of this crush.

Like, I can tell I'ma little bit more of a grownup

because of this crush,

because when I had crusheswhen I was a teenager,

it was very, like,childlike and innocent,

and I was just like,"I just want to hold her hand

and kiss her face."

And now, at 32,when I have a crush,

I'm like,"I want to eat her butt.

"Like, I want to eat it,

like, consistently put my mouthon her worst place."

[growls and laughs]

[snarls]

And now I'm single,and it's like, you know,

there's guys out therethat are very, like,

"I'm ready to crush some pussy."

It's just...

No woman--women don't want that.

If I ever met a girlthat was like,

"Destroy my vagina."

You should probablycall your dad.

I think there's some deep issuesbubbling under the surface.

I feel they'reout of my pay grade.

Still smoke weed...medicinally.

[cheers]

Strictly medicinally.

I've got a chronic caseof Netflix.

No, that's dumb.That's--

You guys deservea better joke than that,

and I apologize.

I just don't thinkweed's a drug.

Personally, I don't viewmarijuana like it is a drug.

I just don't thinkof it like that.

[cheers and applause]

And it's nice to bein the room

with like-minded individuals.

I travel a lot,

and some cities I go tostill view marijuana

like it is a class one narcotic.

Um...if you think weedis a drug,

you're adorable.

You really are.

Oh, you arethe cutest thing ever.

Do you also thinkvoting for president matters?

Okay.

It doesn't.

[laughter]

If you wantto call marijuana a drug

to stop children from doing it,

[bleep] way on board with that,absolutely.

But I'm 32.

Just let me have this one.

Have you smoked weedin your 30s?

It's not that fun.

It's not fun enoughto call a drug.

That, I know for sure.

To me, when you callsomething a drug,

it means you're havinga [bleep] blast

while you're doing it.

Maybe when I was a teenager,maybe, with weed.

Drink a bunch of beers.Light up a joint.

Like, where is this nightgonna take me?

[chuckles]

I don't know.

I'm getting high...

on drugs.

Now, at 32,I just...wait...

[laughter]

Till it gets late.

Then I put on sweatpants.

[laughs]

And I smoke, and I get nervousfor three hours.

I don't think that's a drug.I don't--

[cheers and applause]

I don't think you can call--

[applause]

I don't think anyone's doingthat in an abandoned warehouse

shirtless, listeningto electric dance music.

[laughs]

It's like, "Let the beat drop."

You're like, "Please don'tlet anything drop.

I am so nervous."