Maria Bamford, Nick Kroll, Greg Fitzsimmons, Eugene Mirman

  • 01/08/2010

Maria Bamford loves office drama, Nick Kroll channels Fabrice Fabrice, and Eugene Mirman explains why it's a bad idea to have grammatically ambiguous protest signs.

BEFORE WE BEGIN.

I CAME TO AMERICAMUCH LIKE--

(laughter)

MUCH LIKE EDDIE MURPHY.

(laughter and applause)

I, TOO, AM A FICTIONALAFRICAN PRINCE.

I--

I CAME TO AMERICA THREEAND HALF YEARS AGO,

AND I LOVED IT HERESTRAIGHT AWAY,

AND I SAY THATWITH SOME SURPRISE

BECAUSE TO BE HONEST,I WASN'T SURE I WOULD.

IT WAS--IT WAS STRANGEFALLING IN LOVE WITH A COUNTRY

AT A POINTTHAT MANY PEOPLE...

AND HISTORY...

(laughter)

MAY YET JUDGE TO BE ITAT ITS WORST.

IT WAS LIKE FALLING IN LOVEWITH A GIRL

WHO WAS JUST THROWING UPALL OVER HERSELF,

SOFTLY HOLDING HER HAIR BACKAND WHISPERING TO HER

THAT EVERYTHINGWAS GONNA BE ALL RIGHT.

TO ME, THAT'S WHATTHE LAST EIGHT YEARS

WERE LIKE HERE IN AMERICA.

YOU WERE JUST PROJECTILEVOMITING ALL OVER YOURSELF...

(applause)AS THE REST OF THE WORLDRUBBED YOUR BACK

SAYING, "SHH, THAT'S IT.

"LET IT ALL OUT.

OH, THAT WAS A BIG ONE.THERE."

(laughter)

AND JUST A YEAR AGO,YOU HAD THAT FINAL DRY WRETCH,

EMPTIED YOUR STOMACH,BRUSHED YOUR TEETH,

AND NOW YOU AND THE WORLDARE MAKING OUT ONCE MORE.

OH...NEVER DO THAT TO ME AGAIN.

I MISSED YOU.

(laughter)

WHATEVER YOUR POLITICS ARE,

IT WAS AN INCREDIBLYDRAMATIC DAY, THE LAST ELECTION.

FOR ME EVEN MORE SO, IT WASAN EMOTIONAL ROLLER COASTER.

I WAS EXCITED, YES.

I WAS NERVOUS,DEFINITELY.

I WAS HUNGRY.

I HADN'T EATEN BREAKFASTTHAT MORNING.

AND I WAS ALSO FILLEDWITH THIS DEEP BURNING ANGER

IN THE PIT OF MY STOMACH,BECAUSE FRANKLY,

I COULD NOT... BELIEVEI WAS NOT ALLOWED TO VOTE.

THREE AND HALF YEARS,I HAVE LIVED HERE!

I WORK HARD...RELATIVELY SPEAKING

FOR SOMEONE WHO DOES THISFOR A LIVING.

I PAY MY TAXES.I TRY TO FIT IN.

I'VE LEARNEDYOUR RUDIMENTARY LANGUAGE.

(laughter)

I DON'T KNOW WHAT MORE YOU CANREASONABLY EXPECT ME TO DO.

AND THAT'S WHEN IT HIT ME.I KNOW WHY I'M SO ANGRY.

I KNOW WHAT THIS IS.

TAXATIONWITHOUT REPRESENTATION.

(laughter and applause)

NOW I GET IT.

NOW--NOW I SEEWHY YOU GOT SO PISSY ABOUT IT

ALL THOSE YEARS AGO.

IT I ANNOYING.

YOU WERE RIGHT.IT IS ANNOYING.

AND CONSIDER THAT AS CLOSETO AN APOLOGY

AS YOU ARE EVER GOING TO GET,EVER.

THERE'S ONLY ONE COUNTRYON THE PLANET,

ONE DEMOCRATIC NATION

WHICH HAS A RESPECTABLE TURNOUTAT THEIR ELECTIONS.

IT'S AUSTRALIA.

THEY HAVE 100% VOTINGIN AUSTRALIA.

HOW HAVE THEY ACHIEVED THIS?

WELL, IN AUSTRALIA,IT'S ILLEGAL NOT TO VOTE.

(laughter)

THAT IS BRILLIANT.

WHO'D HAVE THOUGHTTHEY WERE CAPABLE

OF THAT KIND OF THINKINGDOWN THERE?

(laughter)

IT MUST BE ALL THE BLOODRUSHING TO THEIR HEADS.

I DON'T KNOW.I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW.

I'M NOT A SCIENTIST,BUT THEY ARE UPSIDE DOWN.

THAT'S A FACT. THAT IS A FACT.THAT IS A SCIENCE FACT.

I DON'T WANT TO ARGUEABOUT THIS.

THAT IS A SCIENCE FACT.THEY ARE UPSIDE DOWN.

FACT. FACT.(applause)

WHAT AN ODD THING TO APPLAUD,THAT IS.

"YES, TECHNICALLY,THAT'S PROBABLY TRUE.

"I GUESS, THEY'RE ONTHE BOTTOM OF THE MAP.

"IT SOUNDS WEIRD,BUT WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT,

IT'S HARD TO ARGUE WITH--THEY ARE UPSIDE DOWN."

IT'S TRUE, THEY HAVECOMPULSORY VOTING IN AUSTRALIA.

AND THE PROBLEMTHEY'VE RUN INTO, THOUGH, NOW

IS THAT PEOPLE HAVE STARTEDVOTING DRUNK.

IT'S TRUE, THEY HAVE TOGIVE EVERYONE THE DAY OFF WORK

TO ALLOW THEM TO VOTE,AND PEOPLE CHOOSE TO EXERCISE

THEIR DEMOCRATIC RIGHTSBY GETTING ABSOLUTELY SOZZLED

FIRST THING IN THE MORNING.

THERE YOU GO--YOU HAD MOREIN COMMON WITH AUSTRALIA

THAN YOU THOUGHT,DIDN'T YOU, NEW YORK?

ARMS ACROSSTHE SELF-DESTRUCTIVE OCEAN.

(laughter)

IT'S TRUE, AND SO NOW,IT'S GOT SO BAD,

THEY'RE SUGGESTING CLOSINGALL PUBS AND BARS

NEXT ELECTION DAYAS A REPORT'S BEEN RELEASED

SAYING THAT VOTING DRUNKAFFECTS YOUR ABILITY TO VOTE

BY 18%.

(laughter)

WHICH I THINK...

HAS TO BE...

A GUESS.

(laughter)

(applause)

BECAUSE...

I LIKE TO THINK WHEN I'VE BEENTRULY DRUNK IN MY LIFE,

WHEN I HAVEREALLY LET MYSELF DOWN,

THAT THAT WOULD AFFECTMY ABILITY TO VOTE BY--

AND THISJUST A BALLPARK FIGURE--

BY AROUND 100%IN THAT IT REMOVES MY ABILITY

TO WALK, THINK,AND GRIP ANYTHING!

(laughter)

AND YET THIS SAME REPORTFOUND OUT VOTING DRUNK

ACTUALLY MAKES YOUMORE RIGHT-WING.

(laughter)

I DID NOT SEE THAT COMING.

(laughter)

IT'S AGAINST YOUR POPULAR NOTIONOF THE DRUNK MAN, ISN'T IT?

"I LOVE YOU!

"I BLOODY LOVE YOU!

"BUT I CANNOT JUSTIFYCONTINUED EXPENDITURE

ON THE WELFARE STATE."

(laughter and applause)

"YOU'RE LIVINGIN A DREAM WORLD!

"IT'S A LOVELY IDEA IN THEORY,BUT IT DOESN'T WORK!

PEOPLE NEED INCENTIVES!"

(laughter)

"IT'S A REGRETTABLE SIDEOF THE HUMAN CONDITION!

"I DON'T LIKE IT ANY MORETHAN YOU DO,

BUT IT DOESN'T MAKE ITANY LESS TRUE!"

(laughter)

"I'M A SURPRISINGLYARTICULATE DRUNK!"

(laughter)

(cheers and applause)

WE HAVE SOME FANTASTIC COMEDIANSCOMING UP TONIGHT.

YOU GUYS--EVERYBODY'S IN LOVE

WALKING AROUND TOWNIN 2-HEADED SNUGGIES.

THAT'S COOL.THAT'S COOL.

YOU GOTTA FIND SOMEBODYWHO LOVES YOU FOR WHO YOU ARE.

I AM A--NOT THE HEALTHIEST EATER.

SOMETIMES FOR BREAKFAST,I LIKE TO HAVE A MUG,

CHOC-CHIP ICE CREAM,CHOC CHIPS UP TOP.

SWEET POWER SURGE,GET THE LITTLE LADY STARTED!

AND, UH...(laughter)

MY BOYFRIEND SAID, "HEY,

"WHY DON'T YOU TRY SOMETHINGHEALTHIER,

"LIKE A PIECEOF WHOLE-WHEAT TOAST

"WITH A BANANA SPREAD ON IT?

'CAUSE THAT'S GOOD."

(laughter)

"YEAH, NO, I CAN'T DO THAT'CAUSE I'M NOT A LIAR.

"YEAH,THAT IS NOT GOOD.

"THAT IS NOT DELICIOUS...

AT ALL."

YOU KNOW?YOU CAN'T CHANGE PEOPLE.

YOU KNOW?CAN'T CHANGE ME.

I'M A GYPSY, YOU KNOW?YEAH.

I'M A SEA COW.YEAH.

I KNOW THE MOTORBOATSARE GONNA HIT ME,

BUT THIS IS WHEREI... SWIM!

(laughter)

SO SERIOUS.SO SERIOUS.

SO I THINK ABOUT HAVING KIDS.GOT THE NAMES PICKED OUT.

THEY'RE GONNA BE DOUGHNUTAND THE GOLDEN HEN.

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SAYING--

"HOW DO YOU KNOWTHEY'RE GONNA BE GIRLS?"

(laughter)

BUT A MOTHER KNOWS.

UH...

SOMETIMES COMEDY,I'M USUALLY BY MYSELF,

SO I MISS THE CAMARADERIE.

I USED TO WORK AS A SECRETARY.I MISS OFFICE LIFE.

WHERE YOU WANNA GO FOR LUNCH?WHAT DO YOU WANNA GET FOR LUNCH?

WHERE YOU WANNA GO FOR LUNCH?

I FEEL--I FEEL LIKEA SANDWICH OR SOMETHING.

UH-HUH...

OR LIKE A SALAD.

OH...

YOU KNOW, JUST SOMEPLACEWHERE I COULD GET A DIET COKE.

(shuddering breath)

WE COULD GO TO QUIZNOS!

(laughter)

YES, WE COULD.DIET PEPSI, BUT YES, WE COULD.

(laughter)

OH...

I LOVE THE DRAMAOF THE OFFICE.

DON'T TOUCH DONNA'SLABEL MAKER.

OKAY.

DON'T. DON'T EV--DON'T.

DON'T EVEN LOOK AT IT.

WHY?

BECAUSE SHE BOUGHT ITWITH HER OWN MONEY.

'NUFF SAID, SISTER.

WHY DON'T YOU TELL DONNATO KEEP HER MITTS

OFF MY FREAKINGTAPE DISPENSER.

SHE KNOWS IT'S MINE 'CAUSE IT'SCLEARLY LABELED WITH MY N--

OH.

(laughter)

WHO STOLE MY KEY-LIME PIEYOPLAIT?

DID YOU EAT MY SOUTHWESTERNSTYLE LEAN CUISINE?

(laughter)

DID YOU EATMY HALF CHOCOLATE RABBIT?

I'VE BEEN GNAWING ON ITFOR FIVE YEARS.

IT'S BASICALLY ONLY HALF A HEADWITH AN EAR

AND A BABY-BLUE RIBBONWRAPPED AROUND IT.

(laughter)

Yes.

(laughter)

OHH!

(deep voice)IT TOOK YOU TOO LONG.

I HAD TO SCRABBLE IT UPIN MY CHOPS.

(normal voice)OH, MY FAMILY LOVES ME.

AND WE'VE BEEN PLAYINGTHIS NEW GAME WITH MY FAMILY.

IT'S CALLED JOY WHACK-A-MOLE.

WHAT HAPPENS--SOMEBODY BRINGS UP SOMETHING

THAT THEY'RE HAPPY ABOUT,THE OTHER PERSON SLAMS IT DOWN.

(laughter and applause)

BEFORE...

THEY CAN EVER FEEL...

TOO GOOD...

ABOUT...THEIR LIVES.

TALKED TO MY SISTER.SARA, I MET SOMEONE.

I THINK--I THINK THIS IS THE ONE.

MM! THAT'S GREAT.

SO YOU PROJECTED A FANTASYON SOME BISEXUAL STRANGER

YOU MET ON petfinder.uk?

(laughter)

I'M JUST SAYING, YOU LIKE 'EMGAY AND OUT OF TOWN.

TWO FOR THREE--GAY AND OUT OF TOWN.

WHAT'S HIS NAME, RUPERT?HE SOUNDS GREAT.

(laughter)

MY MOM'S THE BEST AT IT,THOUGH.

MOM, AMY HAD HER BABY.

OH, THAT'S GREAT.

I MEAN,IT'S NOT THE GREATEST NEWS

FOR THE 600,000 KIDSIN FOSTER CARE IN THIS COUNTRY,

BUT IF SHE WANTS A FRESH ONE,OH...

(laughter)

EVERYBODY WANTS ONETHAT LOOKS LIKE THEM.

IT'S SO SELFISH.SO SELFISH.

MOM,I'M DOING A SHOW TONIGHT.

OH, SWEETIE,I HAVE A JOKE FOR YOU.

A FRIEND OF MINE--COINCIDENTALLY,

SHE WAS ACTUALLYIN FOSTER CARE.

SHE IS SO FUNNY.

SHE WAS AIRLIFTED OUTOF THE SUDAN IN THE LATE '90s

'CAUSE SHE HAD BEEN BE-ARMEDAND BE-LEGGED BY THE JANJAWEED,

THE HORSEBACK MILITIA.

SHE'S JUST A HOOT.SHE'D LOVE TO DO STAND-UP.

BUT SHE CAN'T--(groans)

AND...(laughter)

YOU KNOW,SO SHE'S FUNNY AS HECK.

SHE'S IN A HOSPICE SITUATION.

IT'S REALLYJUST A MATTER OF TIME.

THE PRIEST COMES IN--PRIEST COMES IN,

HE SAYS,"WOULD YOU LIKE US TO LIGHT

A CANDLE FOR YOUIN THE CHAPEL?"

AND SHE SAYS,SASSY AS YOU PLEASE,

TELETYPING THROUGHHER EYELIDS...

(laughter)

"WELL, HOW MANY CANDLESYA GOT?"

BECAUSE SO MANY HORRIBLE THINGSHAVE HAPPENED TO HER

AND KEEP HAPPENING.

SWEETIE, HAVE A GOOD SHOW.WHAT YOU DO IS SO IMPORTANT.

(laughter)

THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH!THANKS A LOT!

MY NAME IS FABRICE FABRICE,THE NAME SO NICE,

YOU HAVE TO SAY IT AGAIN.

(laughter)

I'M THE CRAFT SERVICESCOORDINATOR

HERE AT THE JOHN OLIVER COMEDYBLAH BLAH BLAH.

(laughter)

DO Y'ALL KNOW WHATA CRAFT SERVICES COORDINATOR IS?

OKAY, I'LL ESPLAIN IT THEN.SHUT YOUR FACE!

(laughter)

I'M THE PERSON THAT PROVIDESALL THE SALTY SNACKS

AND TINY WATERS FOR THE ACTORSAND WRITERS AND PRODUCERS

AND JEWISH PEOPLE.

(laughter)

I HAVE ALSO DONE CRAFT SERVICESCOORDINATION

FOR THE TELEVISION SHOW"THAT IS SO RAVEN."

(laughter)

Y'ALL REMEMBERWHO RAVEN SYMONE IS?

SHE WAS THAT LITTLE, BITTYBABY GIRL ON THE COSBY PROGRAM.

AND THEN SHE GREW UPTO BECOME A BIG FAT PERSON.

(laughterand scattered applause)

I HAVE SAID A NUMBEROF THINGS FAMOUSLY

ON SETSFROM THE CRAFT SERVICES TABLE.

FOR EXAMPLE...

"DON'T YOU FLIPYOUR SUNGLASSES UP AT ME,

KADEEM HARDISONOF 'A DIFFERENT WORLD'"

(laughter)

I ALSO SAY, "YOU CAN HAVE ASMANY BOX OF ALTOIDS AS YOU WANT.

"YOU THE BEST-LOOKING MANIN SHOW BUSINESS,

'CSI MIAMI' DAVID CARUSO."

(laughter)

JUST BETWEEN ME AND YOU,WHO HERE THINKS

THAT DAVID CARUSO STRANGLESWHEN HE... ?

(laughter)

BUT I NOT ONLY DO THESE THINGSON TV SHOWS

BUT ALSO DANCE COMPETITIONS.

ONE TIME,I WAS DOING CRAFT SERVICES

ON A DANCE COMPETITION,

AND THERE WAS THIS LITTLE MIDGETBREAK DANCING.

HE FINISHED HIS THING,AND HE GOT UP,

AND I CAME OVER,I GAVE HIM A BIG HUG.

I SAID, "HOLD ME CLOSE,YOU TINY, LITTLE DANCER."

(laughter)

AND THAT, MY FRIENDS,IS WHERE ELTON JOHN

GOT THE IDEA FOR THE SONG"BENNY AND THE JETS."

(laughter)

(audience murmurs)

OHH!HE IS DEAD! HE IS DEAD!

(laughter)

HIS FATHER,JOE JACKSON?

THAT MAN LOOKS LIKE

IF A CALIFORNIA RAISIN...THE DEVIL.

IT'S FUNNYBECAUSE IT IS SO ACCURATE!

SPEAKING OF THE JACKSONS,

I ALWAYS HAVE FRIED CHICKENON THE CRAFT SERVICES TABLE.

YOU KNOW WHO LIKES FRIED CHICKENIS BLACK PEOPLE.

YOU KNOW WHO ELSELIKES FRIED CHICKEN?

EVERYBODY.

(cheering)

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DORIGHT NOW

BECAUSE I LOVE HIM SO MUCH

IS I'M GONNA BRINGMY FRIEND JOHN OLIVER

BACK ON THE STAGEFOR A LITTLE TALKY-TALKS.

COME ON OUT!(cheers and applause)

JOHN OLIVER,EVERYBODY!

OH, HELLO, JOHN!

OH--OH, HELLO, FABRICE.

OH, JOHN, YOU LOOK LIKEA BIG HARRY POTTER WIZARD!

WELL...(laughter)

YEAH.WELL, THAT'S--

THAT'S, I IMAGINE, THE ONLYBRITISH REFERENCE YOU HAVE.

YEAH!

YOU CAST A SPELLON MY PENIS.

OH!

OH, I WISH--

I WISH YOU HADN'T SAID THAT.

OH, IT'S TOO LATE!

YOU CAN'T UNSAY IT,CAN YOU?NO, YOU CAN'T!

LIKE HOW YOU CAN'T GETINDIA BACK.

THAT'S RIGHT.

WELL, THAT'S NOTNECESSARILY TRUE.

THAT'S NOT--THAT'S TRUE.

SPOILER ALERT--WE'RE TRYING.SPOILER ALERT.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACKAFTER THESE MESSAGES!

AND THERE WAS A--IT WAS LIKE A DEBATE,

BUT THERE WERE 10 ANTI-ABORTIONPROTESTORS OUTSIDE.

THE PEOPLE DIDN'T REALLY CARE,BUT THEY HAD THEIR GIANT SIGNS,

YOU KNOW, OF, LIKE,A PICTURE OF A FETUS,

AND IT SAID, LIKE, "THIS FETUSNEVER LEARNED SKYPE!"

(laughter)

OR WHATEVER THEY'RE MAD AT.

AND THERE WAS ONE WOMANWHO HAD A GIANT SIGN,

AND ON IT, IT JUST SAID,

"AMERICA IS BETTERTHAN ABORTION!"

I THINK SHE MEANT THAT AMERICAWAS TOO GOOD A PLACE

FOR THE HORROR OF ABORTION,BUT INSTEAD,

IT SOUNDED LIKESHE HAD WEIGHED BOTH,

THE AMERICAN SPIRITAND GETTING AN ABORTION

AND DECIDEDTHAT AMERICAN SPIRIT, BETTER.

I THINK IT IS A BAD IDEA

TO HAVE GRAMMATICALLYAMBIGUOUS PROTEST SIGNS.

TO HAVE A PRO--(cheers and applause)

YEAH.

TO HAVE A PROTEST SIGNTHAT'S LIKE,

"ABORTION--NEITHER HERE NOR THERE!"

I WAS IN WESTERN MASS,

AND I SAW THAT LINENS 'N THINGSWAS GOING OUT OF BUSINESS.

I KNOW.(laughter)

I KNOW.

MY FIRST THOUGHT WAS,SHOULD HAVE BEEN MORE SPECIFIC.

(laughter,theme music pays)

(scattered applause)YES, YOU'RE WELCOME.

I WROTE A BOOKAND DID A BOOK TOUR

WHERE YOU GO TO BOOK STORESAND READ FROM YOUR BOOK.

IT'S VERY NORMAL.

AND WHAT I FOUND OUT WAS THAT INEVERY CITY AT EVERY BOOKSTORE,

THERE WAS A CRAZY PERSON.

(laughter)

WHEN I WAS IN SEATTLE,THERE WAS A LADY

WHO HAD A CUP OF NOODLESTHAT SHE BROUGHT FROM HOME

THAT SHE WAS EATINGTHE WHOLE TIME,

BUT IT TURNS OUT THIS WOMANHAD BEEN BANNED

FOR TRYING TO SCALP TICKETSTO A FREE STEPHEN KING READING,

AND THEN THEY WERE LIKE,"YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU CAN COME BACKFOR EUGENE."

SO SHE'S EATING THE NOODLES,AND THERE'S SOME POINT

IN MY BOOK WHERE I GO,"I'M JEWISH. SORRY."

WHATEVER IT IS,AND ALL OF A SUDDEN,

THIS WOMAN STOPS EATING,AND SHE GOES,

"WHY DID YOU APOLOGIZEFOR BEING JEWISH?"

AND I BECAME A LITTLE ANNOYED,SO I WENT,

"BECAUSE IT'SA TERRIBLE THING!"

(laughter)

WHICH HORRIFIED HER.

BUT THE THING THAT WAS AMAZINGAT THAT READING

WAS THAT THERE WAS A LITTLE BOY,LIKE A 12-YEAR-OLD BOY IN BACK,

AND HE POINTED AT ME,AND HE WENT,

"WHY IS EVERYBODY LOOKING AT HIMAND NOT AT ME?

OH, BECAUSE HE'S FUNNY."

LIKE THAT.IT WAS ADORABLE BUT WEIRD.

(laughter)

AND IT TURNED OUTTHAT THIS 12-YEAR-OLD BOY

WAS THE SON OF SOMEONEWHO WORKED THERE,

AND THAT HE HAD ASPERSER'S.

SO HE COULDN'T JUDGESOCIAL SITUATIONS.

HE CREATED RULESAND RITUALS FOR HIMSELF.

AND THEN HE SAIDTHE MOST AMAZING THING.

HE POINTED AT ME AGAIN,AND HE WENT,

"WHY DOESN'T HE ACCEPT MEAS HIS GOD?!"

(laughter)

IT WAS INCREDIBLE.

BUT WHAT THAT LITTLE BOYDOESN'T UNDERSTAND

IS THAT I DO.

I DO ACCEPT HIM AS MY GOD.

(laughter and applause)

SURE.

I FIND THE SPECIFICITYOF RELIGION VERY CONFUSING.

LIKE, IF YOU'RE JEWISH,YOU HAVE TO WEAR A HAT,

BUT ONLY IN THE MIDDLEOF YOUR HEAD.

BUT IT ALL BECOMES CLEARTHE SECOND THAT YOU REALIZE

THAT GOD IS A 12-YEAR-OLD BOYWITH ASPERSER'S.

EVERYTHING MAKES SENSE.

NO WONDER HE'S LIKE,"YOU CAN'T EAT PORK,

AND YOU CAN'T EAT HORSES!"

YOU'RE LIKE,"I WASN'T GONNA EAT A HORSE."

AND HE'S LIKE,"GOOD! 'CAUSE YOU CAN'T!"

NO WONDER HE'S LIKE,"I... UP THE EARTH.

"I SHOULD PROBABLY FLOOD IT

"AND GET TWO OF EVERY ANIMALON A BOAT.

THAT'S THE ONLY SOLUTIONI SEE."

(cheers and applause)

AND I RENTED A CAR,AND ON MY WAY BACK,

I GOT PULLED OVERAND GOT A SPEEDING TICKET.

AND I WASN'T SPEEDING,IN MY OPINION.

UM...(laughter)

WHICH CAN CONTRADICT--ANYWAY.

SO WHAT THEY DOIS THEY GIVE YOU A TICKET.

THEY DON'T TELL YOUHOW MUCH THE FINE IS,

AND THEN YOU FILL IT OUTAND YOU MAIL IT BACK,

AND I WAS LIKE,"I DIDN'T DO IT."

AND THEN THEY MAILSOMETHING BACK,

AND THEY'RE LIKE,"YES, YOU DID."

AND THEN I WAS LIKE,"I DIDN'T."

AND THEN WHAT THEY DO IS THEYMAILED ME A PLEA BARGAIN.

AND ORIGINALLY IT WAS FOR DOING80 IN A 65-MILE-AN-HOUR ZONE.

BUT THEN THEY CHANGED IT

TO FAILURE TO COMPLYWITH A FLAG PERSON.

(laughter)

AND I CALLED THEM,AND I WAS LIKE,

"YOU CHANGED THE THING I DID."

AND THEY'RE LIKE,"YOU CAN RENT A CAR, DRIVE UP,

AND LOSE IN COURT,OR YOU CAN PAY THE FINE."

AND I WAS LIKE,"OKAY, I'LL PAY YOUR FINE."

BUT THEN I WROTE THEMA VERY ANGRY LETTER.

AND THE TWO THINGSYOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT ME

ARE ONE, I AM AFRAIDOF GUNS AND AUTHORITY,

AND TWO, I WAS BORN IN RUSSIAAND CAME HERE AS A LITTLE BOY,

AND IN RUSSIA, ALL YOU CAN EATARE BOWLS OF TEARS.

(laughter)

WITH THAT KNOWLEDGE,

THIS IS THE LETTER I WROTETO THE DISTRICT ATTORNEY.

"DEAR DISTRICT ATTORNEY,GOOD NEWS!

"I HAVE SIGNED THE PLEA BARGAINFOR MY SPEEDING TICKET.

"THANK YOU FOR LESSENINGMY CHARGE.

"HOWEVER, I AM CONFUSED.

"I PLED NOT GUILTYBECAUSE I WASN'T SPEEDING.

"AND THEN WERE LIKE,'OKAY.

"'HOW ABOUT THERE WAS A GUYIN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY

"'WAVING A FLAG,AND YOU DIDN'T LISTEN TO HIM?'

YOU AND I BOTH KNOWTHAT THERE WAS NO SUCH PERSON."

(laughter)

"THE PRAGMATIST IN ME,WHICH IS ALSO THE ACTUAL ME..."

(laughter)

"SIGNED YOUR STUPID DOCUMENTOF LIES

"TO PAY THE FINEAND BE DONE WITH IT.

"HOWEVER, THE IMMIGRANT IN METHAT CAME TO AMERICA

"TO SEEK A BETTER LIFEAND A JUST SOCIETY

IS A DISAPPOINTED IN YOU."

(laughter)

"SO IN THE INTERESTOF FAIRNESS,

I THINK YOU SHOULD A PLEABARGAIN I HAVE WRITTEN FOR YOU."

(laughter)

"'I, DISTRICT ATTORNEY,AM A DICKHEAD.'"

(laughter and applause)

"'WHEN I MAKE SOMEONEFALSELY SIGN A PLEA BARGAIN,

...SHOOTS OUT OF THE TOPOF MY HEAD.'"

(laughter)

"'BUT THEN I FEEL GUILTY,LIKE I WATCHED A BUNCH OF WOMEN

ONLINE GET TRICKED INTO...ON A BUS.'"

(laughter)

"THANK YOU FOR SIGNING THAT.

"FOR THE RECORD,I UNDERSTAND

"THAT IF IT WASA MORE SERIOUS CRIME,

"LIKE A DRUG DEALWHERE SOMEONE GOT SHOT,

"YOU WOULDN'T JUST MAKE UPA LESSER CHARGE

"LIKE POSSESSIONOF A CONTROLLED SUBSTANCE

PLUS FAILURE TO COMPLYWITH 10,000 FLAG PEOPLE!"

(laughter and applause)

THAT'LL HAVEA DIVISIVE BANNER AD,

AND IT'LL ASK A QUESTION,AND THEN LEAD--

BUT IT'S REALLYTO JUST LEAD YOU TO THEIR SITE.

THIS IS ONE THAT I SAWON MYSPACE.

IT SAYS, "SHOULD GAY MARRIAGESBE ALLOWED?

AND THESE ARE JUSTTWO GAY HANDS HOLDING.

AND THEN YOU CLICK ON IT,AND THEN IT SAYS,

"SHOULD GAYS BE ALLOWEDTO MARRY?"

AND YOU CAN EITHER PICK YESOR NO,

AND THEN REGARDLESSOF WHAT YOU CHOOSE,

IT THEN GOES,"GET 2 BLACKBERRY STORMS!"

(laughter)

THEY DON'T CARE AT ALL.

(laughter)

THAT IS A GREAT WAY TO DRIVETRAFFIC TO YOUR WEB SITE.

SO I'VE DECIDED TO MAKEA BUNCH OF BANNER ADS

TO DRIVE TRAFFIC TO MINE.

THIS IS ONE--

"IS IT WORSE TO BE RACISTAT NIGHT?"

(laughter)

I DON'T KNOW.

"SHOULD THE IRAQ WAR BE A WAROR SOMETHING ELSE,

LIKE DONUTS OR TELEVISION?"

(laughter)

"IS BARACK OBAMA BLACK ENOUGHTO BE PRESIDENT?"

AND YOU CAN EITHER PICK"YES, HE IS"

OR "NO, YOU DIDN'T."

(laughter and applause)

"SHOULD SCOTT BAIOHAVE HIS OWN MAYO?"

(laughter)

"SHOULD JEWS BE REQUIREDTO GO TO SLEEP BY 11:00 PM?"

AND THERE'S ONLY ONE OPTION.IT JUST SAYS "OY, VEH!"

(laughter and applause)

"WHY DO YOU THINK POOR PEOPLERUIN BIRTHDAYS?"

(laughter)

"BECAUSE THEY'RE POOR,""BECAUSE THEY'RE NO FUN."

(laughter)

I DON'T KNOWWHY YOU THINK THAT.

"SHOULD ABORTION BE SAFEOR FREE?"

(laughter)

I DON'T KNOW, BUT REGARDLESSOF WHAT YOU CLICK,

IT THEN GOES,"BUY TWO EUGENE MIRMANS!"

(laughter)

(cheers and applause)

YEAH.

AND THE LAST ONE--"HEALTH CARE IS SOMETHING

"NO ONE SHOULD GET BECAUSETHERE ARE TOO MANY PEOPLE,

ESPECIALLY CHINESE PEOPLE,RIGHT?"

AND THEN YOU CAN EITHER CLICK"YES" OR "WAIT, WHAT?"

(laughter)

THANKS.

(cheers and applause)

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