Office Campout

  • Season 1, Ep 3
  • 04/20/2011

While their house is being fumigated, the guys decide to crash at the office and do a bunch of drugs, but their campout is threatened when two burglars break into the office.

- ROGER THAT, RANGER RICK.WE ARE ALL SET.

GOT THOSE SHROOMS FROM CARLTHAT HE BROUGHT FROM CHICO.

I'M TALKING BRAIN MELTER.

- I DON'T EVEN KNOWIF I WANNA DO ANY.

- WHAT?- I'M SCARED.

YOU KNOW WHAT,I'LL DO A COUPLE.

- HA HA!THAT'S MY GUY.

- ONE OR TWO.NOT TOO MANY, THOUGH.

I WANNA BE APPROPRIATEWITH THOSE, FOR SURE.

- WANNA DO SOME RIGHT NOW?- HEY.

- HEY, DICKHOLES.- ALICE, HEY.

- SO I DON'T KNOW IFYOU'VE HEARD THIS OR NOT,

BUT THERE'S BEENA SERIES OF BURGLARIES

IN CARS IN THE AREA.

ANYWAY, WE'RE GONNABE BEEFING UP SECURITY,

SO I JUST WANTEDTO LET YOU KNOW THAT.

- I HOPE THEY DON'TPUT ANY LANGUAGE ALARMS IN,

BECAUSE YOU CUSS A LOT.[laughing]

- YOU WON'T NEEDTOO MUCH EXTRA SECURITY,

BECAUSE WE'VE ALREADY GOTSIRS VE AND LANCE RIGHT HERE.

SIRS VE, LANCE, VE.

- WHAT THE [bleep]DOES THAT MEAN?

- ANYWAYS, I COULDWALK YOU TO YOUR CAR TONIGHT

IF YOU WERE WORRIEDABOUT THE BURGLARS.

- WOW.ADAM, THAT WOULD BE--

ACTUALLY, THATWOULD BE REALLY GREAT.

- REALLY?

- NO, YOU [bleep]HEAD.OF COURSE NOT.

- AH.- [chuckles]

- YOU THINKWALKING TO MY CAR

WITH A FOUR-FOOT12-YEAR-OLD

IS REALLY GONNASPOOK AWAY ANY BAD GUYS?

I DON'T THINK SO.- FOUR-FOOT-TALL 12-YEAR-OLD...

I CAN BENCH PRESS 220,SO WHATEVER.

'CAUSE THEY'RE GROSS.

IT TASTESLIKE WHAT I THINK

RUMPELSTILTSKINMIGHT TASTE LIKE.

- THEY'RE GOOD, RIGHT?- OH, YEAH.

- DO YOUR LEGSFEEL LIKE PUDDINGS?

- SWIMMING INTHE SWIMMING POOL OF LIFE.

- IMAGINE THIS ISTHE NUCLEUS,

AND WE'REALL LITTLE NEURONS.

- ARE WE IN THE LIGHTHOUSE?

[babbling]

- WILL YOU TAKETHIS WORLD BY STORM?

[imitating monkey]

- PRETTY BOY.- ♪ YOU ARE MY STAR

- ♪ I LIKE SPENDING

[deep voice]♪ SUMMERS

♪ IN THE MALL

[high-pitched voice]♪ WITH MY GIRLFRIEND

- ♪ THE YELLOW STAR

- OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD!all: [laughing]

- THIS ONE GOES OUT TOTHE LATE, GREAT JOHN CANDY, MON!

- WE ARE THE BOBSLED TEAM.

- MA MA SE, MA MA SA,MA COO SA.

- AM I TRIPPING, OR DIDI JUST SEE TWO DUDES IN THERE?

- WE'VE GOT COMPANY.

[elevator dings]

- OH, MY GOD, WE'RE DEAD.WE'RE DEAD, WE'RE DEAD.

- WE'RE NOT GONNAGET MURDERED, DERS.

WE'RE NOT GONNAGET STABBED REPEATEDLY

IN THE FACE AND BODY,AND LEFT FOR DEAD.

- ADAM, THE ENTIRE BUILDINGIS LOCKED DOWN.

THE FRONT DOOR'STHE ONLY WAY OUT.

I THINK ONE OF THOSE GUYSHAD A GUN ON HIS PERSON.

- NO, THAT'S IT.IT'S SO OBVIOUS, IT'S SO SIMPLE.

THEY'LLNEVER SEE IT COMING.

WE GO THROUGH THE BIGGESTFRONT DOOR OF THEM ALL...

THE ROOF.

LET'S GO.

SHH.

- OKAY, COOL,WHERE'S THE FIRE ESCAPE?

- WELL, THERE ISNO FIRE ESCAPE,

BUT MAYBE YOU'VE HEARDOF THE CLASSIC TALE

BY...WHO WROTE RAPUNZEL?

- WHAT AREYOU TALKING ABOUT?

- WHATEVER, I'LL JUMP.I DON'T CARE, DUDE.

- PLEASE DO.- NO, NO, I'M SERIOUS.

LIKE, WE SHOULD PONYTAILOUR CLOTHES TOGETHER,

AND RAPUNZEL DOWN.

- YOU MEAN RAPPEL.- NO, RAPUNZEL.

ACTUALLY, CURIOUSLY,

THAT'S WHERE THEWORD "RAPPEL" COMES FROM.

"RAPUNZEL."- NO, IT'S NOT.

BUT THAT'S NOTA BAD IDEA; I'M IN.

- OKAY.

- ARE YOU GUYS COLD?

WHAT?THEY'RE SPANX, ALL RIGHT?

HAVEN'T BEENTO THE GYM A LOT LATELY

AND THEY KEEP ME TIGHT.- IS THAT WHY YOU'RE FLEXING?

- I'M NOT FLEXINGRIGHT NOW, DUDE.

ARE YOU FLEXING?- DEFINITELY NOT FLEXING.

- YOU'RE FLEXING FOR SURE.- NO, YOU'RE FLEXING.

- YOU'RE FLEXING, DUDE.- I'M NOT FLEXING RIGHT NOW.

- I'M A STRESS EATER.

AND I'VE BEEN EATINGA LOT LATELY,

SO I NEED SPANX.- OKAY, YES.

- ARE YOU OKAY WITH THAT?

- YOU'RE STRESS EATINGSOME HIGH-CLASS BOOMERS.

I NEED YOU FOCUSED.

- FINE, I'MTHE BEST THROWER ANYWAY.

- NO, NO, NO, NO.DON'T, DON'T, DON'T!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?- STOP!

STOP!STOP, STOP!

STOP IT, ADAM!STOP!

STO--YOU'RENOT LISTENING!

- ALL RIGHT, LET'S DO THIS.

- WE'RE DOING IT.

[loud intercom beep]

- WARNING.

YOU HAVE ACTIVATEDTHE LASER ALARM SYSTEM.

THESE ARENOT LASER POINTERS.

THEY'RE REAL LASERSTHAT BURN THROUGH HUMAN FLESH.

YOU'RE PROBABLY LIKE...LASERS IN AN OFFICE BUIL...

ANYWAYS, YOU SHOULDBE REALLY FREAKED OUT.

ADAM, THAT'S YOUR CUE.

- LEROY JENKINS!

both: [coughing]

- GOD DAMN IT, LEROY.

- SORRY,I HAD TO DO IT.

I'M KIND OF A MAVERICK

AND I JUST DON'TGIVE A SHOOT, YOU KNOW?

YOU GUYS FEEL METHOUGH, RIGHT?

- I FEEL YOU.YOU'RE LIKE MY NEW HERO.

- MAYBE WE SHOULDTIE THEM UP.

- OKAY.- YEAH.

- SO YOU THOUGHT YOUCOULD JUST COME IN HERE

AND THROW DOWN ON OUR TURF?

ON OUR TURF?THAT'S WHAT YOU THOUGHT?

- I GUESS YOU GUYSFORGOT TO EXPECT

THE UNEXPECTED!

- LIKE I SAID,I'M WITH TECH SUPPORT.

I MET YOU, LIKE,SIX HOURS AGO.

THIS IS MY PART--THIS IS MY PARTNER, CORY.

- OH, VERY CLEVER.

SO YOU COMEIN DURING THE DAY

HIDDEN IN PLAIN SIGHTTO CASE THE JOINT.

- YOU ARE NOTGONNA GET THE CODES.

BUT YOU WILL TELL USWHAT JOE BIDEN'S AFTER.

- WHAT DOESJOE BIDEN WANT?

- PLEASE,JUST DON'T HURT US.

- [laughing]US HURT YOU?

THAT'S HILARIOUS,WE'RE NOT THE ONES

DROPPING KNIVESIN BATHROOMS.

THAT'S RIGHT, I WASIN THERE WATCHING YOU.

- I CARRY A KNIFE WITH MEBECAUSE I WAS SEXUALLY ASSAULTED

IN A MALL FOOD COURTLAST SPRING.

SORRY I LIKETO FEEL PROTECTED.

- I'M SORRY.

- WE'RE JUST HERETO REBOOT THE SYSTEM.

WE CAN'T--WE CAN'TDO IT DURING THE DAY

WHEN THE SERVERS AREIN USE.

- RIGHT!- YEAH.

OKAY! LIKE I CAN'TTEST YOUR LITTLE LIE, BUDDY?

I CAN JUST OPEN UPA PROGRAM RIGHT HERE--

HOLY [bleep],THIS IS FAST.

DID YOU INSTALLSNOW LEOPARD FOR PC ON THIS?

- NO WAY, LET ME SEE.- THIS IS GOOD.

- WOW, LOOK AT ALL THOSE TABS.

- WAIT, ARE YOU PRINTINGAND WATCHING A VIDEO?

- I DON'T KNOWWHAT I'M DOING RIGHT NOW.

- [chuckles]UM, SO HEY, UM...

OUR COLLECTIVE BAD.

I COULD'VE SWORNYOU HAD A GUN.

NOPE, THAT'S A PAGER.YOU STILL GOT ONE OF THOSE.

- THAT'S A COMMON MISTAKE.

SO...

DO YOU GUYS LIKE SHROOMS?

both: YES, PLEASE.

- ♪ CATHERINEZETA-JONES ♪

♪ SHE DIPSBENEATH THE LASERS ♪

♪ OOH

all:♪ SHE HAS ENTRAPPED ME

♪ AND SEAN CONNERY

♪ OOH

♪ CATHERINE ZETA-JONES

♪ SHE DIPSBENEATH LASERS ♪

♪ OOH, OH

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