Wednesday, October 12, 2016

  • 10/12/2016

Russell Peters, Erinn Hayes and Yassir Lester make up cinematic analogies for the presidential election, meet undecided voter Ken Bone and describe what #MyLastTweetWillBe.

Look, we're all exhaustedby the ongoing 2016 campaign

between Westworld mayorHillary Clinton

and self-appointedob-gyn Donald Trump.


-(applause and cheering)-We'll just... He's just...


Uh, the fatigueis starting to rub off

on our nation'sworst responders,

also known as "pundits."

In a Fox News segmentwith Megyn Kelly yesterday,

Donald Trump surrogate

and likely backyard moonshinedistiller Mike Huckabee

tried to compare the electionto the movie Jaws,

but the analogy didn't exactlyhold water. Take a look.

I've said this about him, Megyn.

He's like Captain Quintin the original movie Jaws.

And so, at the end of the day,

when he kills the shark,you're happy about it.

Now, Hillary is the shark.

-You're gonna... -But CaptainQuint got eaten by the shark.

-(laughter) -Yeah, but he diedsaving the other people.

-(applause and cheering)-Oh, well, well,

hang on. Hang on there, Megyn.Hang on one sec.

I-I think I can land this.

Bill Clinton is the, uh...the mayor.

Tim Kaine's the little boy.

Putin has gotto be Roy Scheider.

Jeb Bush is the little girlin the beginning

who gets sucked underneath.

Marco Rubio is the license platethey pull out of the shark.

And Mike Pence is the, uh, boat.

(bleep) I don't know. I thoughtI had it. I thought I had it.

I was, like, that close.

-(laughter)So, comedians,

obviously, this dim hayseed

is confused and disorientedby moving picture shows.

So what's a more accurate

movie-based comparisonfor the 2016 election?

Yassir Lester.

I would say Blue Is the Warmest Color,

because, uh,that is what I am voting,

and I hope they are scissoring.

(applause and cheering)


HARDWICK:Uh, points.

Uh, Russell.

Uh, Josey and the Pussy Grabbers.

-HARDWICK: All right, points.-(laughter)

-(applause and cheering)-Yeah.

-Erinn. -Really,any Woody Allen movie

because Trump is also tryingto (bleep) his daughter.

Now, I'm guessing no matter whoyou're supporting this November,

you will agree this electionis the (bleep) worst.


luckily, the second debate,we all got to meet Ken Bone!

-(cheering, applause)-Ken Bone!

The be-sweatered, mustachioed,undecided (bleep) machine

who stole the Internet's heart,

and then made love to itsweetly.

In honor of this civic-mindedBuild-A-Bear,

we played the hashtag gameKenBoneFacts.

For instance,did you know that if Ken Bone

unfurled his mustache,it would dwarf the wingspan

of a bald eagle--that's a true story.

So... uh, we tracked downthe man himself on Skype,

uh, got to chat with Ken Bone--

he is goddamn delightful--

and we got him to choosehis favorite fact.

Just for you,ladies and gentlemen, Ken Bone!


Thanks, Chris.It was a real thrill

to see KenBoneFacts trendingon Twitter on Monday night.

I loved every one of them,but I can't pick my favorite

'cause I'm undecided.

So I'm gonna reada few of the best ones.

"He can't attendan ugly sweater party,

because they all lookso good on him."


"The Illuminati comes to him for advice on what to do."

Yep, I actually gota conference call

with Jay Z and Beyoncéafter this.


"He is the fifth Golden Girl."

Oh, look, and here'sone of the original cast photos.

(applause, whooping)

"Clowns tweetabout Ken Bone sightings."

-(laughter, applause)-Also true.

But if I ever see one of them,

I'm gonna go Liam Neesonon their ass.


"Ken's hugs create suchdangerous levels of euphoria,

they had to be regulatedby the FDA."

You know, that's actually true.

You should not operateheavy machinery

after you snuggle with me.


Thanks so much, Chris.

And I just wantto encourage everybody

to get out thereand register to vote,

because in 2016--

Yes we Ken!

-HARDWICK: Ah, fantastic!-(cheering, applause)

Ken (bleep) Bone!

Oh, by the way... beforewe get off the Bone train,

someone on Twitter sent me this,

the sexy Ken Bone outfitfor Halloween.

So naturally, I had to ask Kenwhat he thought about it.

You know, Chris, I did seethe sexy Ken Bone costume,

and while I wasstrangely aroused,

I want to point outthat there's only one

real sexy Ken Bone outfitout there.

-I'm wearing it.-Yes!

Sexy Ken Bone!The real sexy Ken Bone.

Get out there and vote,everyone.

it's time to playtonight's #HashtagWars.

(cheering, applause)

When Twitter was created,we were all very excited

for a new way to share our ideasand connect with each other,

until the Twitter trolls showedup to ruin our good, clean fun.

So now we're forcedto share our timelines

with sexist trolls,racist trolls,

grammar Nazis, real Nazis.

-(laughter)-It is enough...

it is enough to make you yearnfor the end-- of Twitter.

But that is why tonight'shashtag is #MyFinalTweetWillBe.

Examples of this might be:Did you know you can tweet

from the insideof an alligator's mouth?

And-- Look out, Secret Service,you're about to get pranked!

I'm gonna put 60 secondson the clock, and begin.

-Erinn.-Hang on.

I'm taking my Galaxy 7off speaker.

HARDWICK:All right, points.


Picking up a couchon craigslist.

HARDWICK:Yes, points. Russell Peters.

Got a great dealfrom Malaysian Airlines.

HARDWICK:All right, I will give you...

(audience exclaiming)

...points, points for that.

Stretching the audience'sboundaries

of what they'recomfortable with.


What's a "check engine"light mean.

HARDWICK:All right, points.


-Can I pet your gorilla.-HARDWICK: Points.

-Russell.-Finally. Oh.

Chilling in the bathtubabout to make some toast.

HARDWICK:All right, points.

Russell, Russell.

That would be, um, watch me showthis cop how strong I am.

HARDWICK (laughing):All right, points.


Let's find out if Red Bullreally gives you wings.

HARDWICK:All right. Points.


-Sushi doesn't go bad right?Lol. -HARDWICK: Nope.



-(bleep) fish rattlesnake.-HARDWICK: All right, points.