Terrible Henchman

  • Season 4, Ep 8
  • 11/12/2014

A henchman keeps interrupting his boss's torture session, a speaker at a school assembly discusses his colorful life, and a man tries to prove he's all grown up.

[indistinct chatter]

OKAY, STUDENTS, SETTLE DOWN.

SETTLE DOWN.

THAT INCLUDES YOU,MR. RODRIGUEZ.

DO YOU WANT TO TAKE THE MILKCARTON OFF OF YOUR HEAD?

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

WE HAVE A SPECIAL GUEST TODAY.

HE'S FROM THIS NEIGHBORHOOD,

AND HE'S A FORMER GANG MEMBER,

AND HE'S COMING HERETHIS MORNING TO TALK TO YOU

ABOUT LIFE CHOICES.

SO, PLEASE, GIVE A WARMCENTRAL HIGH SCHOOL WELCOME

TO DONNIE HERRERA.

[applause]

- I USED TO BE JUST LIKE YOU...

[melancholy piano music]

JUST LIKE YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU.

USED TO CLOWN AROUND...

MAKE FUN OF THE PRINCIPAL...

PUT MILK ON MY HEAD,

JUST LIKE YOU, RODRIGUEZ.

AND THEN...

I GOT HIT WITH AIDS.

CONSEQUENCES.

GOT INTO SOMEREAL TROUBLE, BOY.

STOLE FROM MY MOM AND DAD...

STOLE FROM MY OWN SISTER!

AND THEN ONE DAY...

A PIANO FELL ON MY HEAD.

- WHAT?- CONSEQUENCES.

- I FEEL LIKEHE MISSED A STEP THERE.

- GAVE ME 88 CONCUSSIONS,

ONE FOR EACH KEY.

YOU'D THINK I'M LEARNING,BUT, NO.

SEE, I'M JUST LIKE YOU.

I GOT BACK OUT THERE,

STARTED MAKINGSOME REAL CRIMES, HOMEBOY.

OH, YEAH.

OH, YEAH.

AND THEN...

I GOT TRAMPLEDBY A HERD OF BUFFALO.

- WHAT?- CONSEQUENCES.

- OKAY, DONNIE,I THINK WE'VE HAD ENOUGH.

- NOT DONE WITH MY STORY!

I WAS LIKE YOU!

I DECIDED IT'D BE COOL

TO HANG OUTWITH SOME OF THE TOUGH KIDS.

MM. YOU KNOWWHO I'M TALKING ABOUT.

THEY WERE HANGINGON THE STREETS LATE AT NIGHT.

MORE THANCIGARETTE SMOKERS, HOMES.

AND THEN...

ONE DAY I GOT SHOTOUT OF A CATAPULT.

- THAT'S IT.OKAY.

- INTO THE MOUTH OF A DRAGON!

- STUDENTS, EVERYTHING YOU'VEHEARD HERE TODAY IS A LIE.

- I DON'T LIE ANYMORE.

- YOU'RE ALL EXCUSED.

- LOOK AT ME!- PLEASE, I APOLOGIZE.

- I SHOULDN'T EVEN BE HERE!

- THANK YOU, AURELIO.

I APOLOGIZE, DENISE.

- SO I GOT REALLY DEEPINTO CRIME.

I DID A DRIVE-BY AT MY OWNDAUGHTER'S QUINCEAÑERA!

YEAH, SHOT UP EVERYBODY--DEAD, KILLED!

YEAH!

YEAH!

THEN I GOT SUCKEDINTO A WORMHOLE.

CONSEQUENCES.

- THAT'S IT. OKAY.EVERYBODY GO.

- I WAS IN ANOTHER DIMENSION,

TRIED TO INTRODUCEMY OWN PARENTS TO EACH OTHER.

ALMOST FAILED.ARM WAS DISAPPEARING.

- I'VE HAD IT.

- I INVENTED JOHNNY B. GOODE AT MY PARENTS' PROM,

AND AT THE LAST MOMENT,THEY KISSED, AND IT CAME BACK.

- THE FASTER WE GET AWAYFROM HIM, THE BETTER.

- BUT NOBODY BELIEVE ME!

WHERE'S MY CRACK?WHERE'S MY CRACK?

OH.

[booming crash]

OH!

CONSEQUENCES!

- WHAT UP, VEGAS?YO!

- WHAT'S UP?- THREE DAYS...

ME AND YOU, FREE DRINKS,NAKED BIOTCHES.

- THIS IS GONNA BEOUR SHIT RIGHT HERE, DOG.

THIS IS GONNA BE MY--LET'S GET SOME JAMS

GOING UP IN THIS BITCHRIGHT NOW!

- YEAH.

- NUMBER ONE THREE WEEKSRUNNING,

IT'S ROLL WITH ME.

- OH, SHIT!THAT'S MY JAM RIGHT THERE.

I LOVE THIS SONG.

- I LOVE THIS SONG TOO, MAN.

EVERYBODY LOVES THIS SONG.

- WHAT, UH-HUH.[woman vocalizing]

WHAT?

both: ♪ ROLL WITH ME,ROLL WITH ME ♪

♪ LIGHT THE NIGHT ON FIREWITH ME ♪

- ♪ GIRL, YOU KNOW THAT I GOTWHAT YOU NEED, SEE ♪

♪ DON'T GET GREEDY

- [mumbling]- ♪ GIVE IT UP SWEETLY

♪ LET ME SET THAT BODY FREE

♪ 'CAUSE WHAT YOU GOT,YOU GOT TO GIVE IT TO ME ♪

♪ WHAT? - ♪ WHAT?

- ♪ LIGHT THE NIGHT ON FIREWITH ME ♪

- ♪ EVER SINCEI WAS ROCKING A ONESIE ♪

♪ I KNOW THAT YOU WAS

both:♪ SECOND TO NONE, B

- [mumbling]- ♪ GROWING UP

♪ AND LEARNING ABCsAND 1, 2, 3s ♪

♪ HOPING YOU'D LEARN WE

♪ WERE MEANT TO BE

♪ EVEN WAY BACK THEN

♪ EVERY LITTLE NIGGA'SNOT A PERFECT TEN ♪

♪ BUT THEN YOU KNOW,I GROW UP ♪

♪ AND GOT A LITTLE BIT OLDER,A LITTLE BIT BOLDER ♪

♪ BRUSHING OFF MY SHOULDERS,ALMOST A MAN ♪

♪ THOSE PLAYGROUND FEELINGSGREW STRONGER ♪

- [mumbling]- ♪ COULDN'T WAIT MUCH LONGER

♪ NOW WITH ME - ♪ ROLL--

- ♪ YOU BELONG, GIRL

both: ♪ ROLL WITH ME,ROLL WITH ME ♪

♪ LIGHT THE NIGHT ON FIREWITH ME ♪

- ♪ HERE'S YOUR VERSE,TAKE IT RIGHT NOW ♪

- [mumbling]- ♪ PRESENTATE

♪ AND I AIN'T PLAYING

♪ ON TOP OF THE GAMEAND THE LIFE I BE PLAYIN' ♪

♪ LISTEN CLOSETO THE SHIT I BE SAYIN' ♪

[music stops]- NO, WHAT THE HELL?

DON'T TURN IT OFFJUST 'CAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW IT.

- WHAT ARE WE GONNA DOWHEN WE GET TO VEGAS?

- NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO,

DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECTABOUT WHAT WE GONNA DO IN VEGAS.

IF YOU DON'T KNOW THE WORDS,

JUST ADMITYOU DON'T KNOW THE WORDS.

- I KNOW THE WORDS.I TOLD YOU.

WHY WOULD I MAKE UPTHAT I KNOW--DON'T KNOW--

THAT'S RIDICULOUS, MAN.NO, I KNOW THE WORDS.

- IT SEEMS LIKEYOU DIDN'T KNOW THE WORDS.

- I KNOW THE WOR--HEY, LIST--HEY, LISTEN TO ME, MAN.

- WHAT? WHAT?- I KNOW THE WORDS TO THAT SONG.

- OKAY. OKAY.- EVERYBODY KNOWS.

- NO, NO, IT'S NOT OKAY, 'CAUSEYOU OBVIOUSLY DON'T BELIEVE ME.

HEY, DUDE,ON OUR FRIENDSHIP...

I KNOW THE WORDSTO ROLL WITH ME.

- OKAY.

I'M SORRY.

- IT'S ALL RIGHT.- JUST LET IT GO.

I'M SORRY.THAT WAS STUPID.

STUPID.

- I'LL TURN IT BACK UP.

- HA, HA, YO!I LOVE THAT TRACK SO MUCH.

I'M SORRY, I GOT TO PLAY ITAGAIN. THIS IS ROLL WITH ME.

101.3 K-BEAT.

- ♪ ROLL WITH ME,ROLL WITH ME ♪

- ♪ LIGHT THE NIGHT ON FIREWITH ME ♪

- [grunts, sniffs]

YEAH, THAT REALLY HURT.