Black, Yannetty, Alexandro, Smith

  • Season 1, Ep 13
  • 12/09/2004

Lewis Black notices candy corn becomes an issue every Halloween, and Ted Alexandro doesn't quite fit in with the big guys at the gym.

(Bobcat Goldthwait)HEY, I'M ALL FORHUNTERS OWNING GUNS.

YEAH, THAT INCREASES THEODDS OF TWO REDNECKS

BLOWING EACHOTHER'S HEADS OFF.

WHY'D YOU SHOOT ME?

UH, I THOUGHTYOU WERE A DEER?

(bleep) YOU!

YOU'RE MAD WE BROKE UP.

NOT SAYING ALLHUNTERS ARE GAY,

BUT, KINDA GAY, RIGHT?

IF I WAS INTODUDES, I'D HUNT.

YOU BET I WOULD.

THAT IS A WILDERNESS SAUSAGEPARTY, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

'CAUSE I USED TO GET PICKEDON 'CAUSE I DIDN'T HUNT.

IT'D BE LIKE, "YOU'REQUEER, GOLDTHWAIT.

YOU WON'T HUNT."

YEAH, I'M GONNA STAYHOME THIS MORNING WITHTHE WOMEN FOLK...

WHILE YOU GET UP ATTHE CRACK OF DAWN,

AND GO OUT IN THE WILDERNESSWITH A BUNCH OF DUDES,

ALL HUDDLED TOGETHER INA LITTLE TINY BLIND...

WATCHING THE SUN COMEUP IN MATCHING OUTFITS.

YEAH, I'M THE BIG QUEENIN THIS SCENARIO.

I'M COLD, TONY, HOLD ME.

SHOOT THE DEER.

HE SAW US.

NOW I KNOW ISOUND HOMOPHOBIC,

WHICH I DON'T THINK I AM.

GAY BASHING ISGUYS GOING,

"I HATE YOU 'CAUSEYOU'RE A (bleep)...

"AND YOU'RE A (bleep)...

"AND YOU'RE KINDOF ATTRACTIVE...

"AND I'D LIKE TO (bleep)YOU, BUT I'M IN THE CLOSET,

"SO I'LL JUST BEAT YOU UP AND(bleep) OFF IN MY TRANS AM

ON THE WAY HOME."

YOU EVER KILL ANYTHING?

BESIDES MY WILL TO LIVE?

WHY WOULD IWANT TO DO THAT?

FOR FUN.

YOU SHOULD TRY IT.

C'MON, FOLLOW ME TOTHE HUNTING GROUNDS.

YEAH!

WHERE YOU GOING, PUNK?

YEAH!

AWWW, I FEEL SO ALIVE!

(Adam Ferrara)SCHOOL WAS WEIRD FORME CAUSE I HAVE A-A

LEARNING, A READINGDISABILITY.

BUT WHEN I WENTTHROUGH THE NEW YORK

PUBLIC SCHOOL SYSTEM, THEYDIDN'T KNOW WHAT IT WAS.

NAH, I THINK HE'SRETARDED OR SOMETHING.

SO THEY PUT ME INTHAT OTHER CLASS,

DOWN THE END OF THE HALL.

YOU KNOW, THE NOISY ROOM.

I OPENED UP THAT BIG DOOR.

I'M LIKE, OH, MAN, I'MON THE HOCKEY TEAM.

I HOPE I GET A HELMET TOO.

THESE KIDS WERE ALLOLDER THAN ME, MAN.

THERE WAS A KID IN THEREWITH A FULL BEARD.

THIS SINISTER LOOKING KIDCAME RUNNING UP TO ME...

(singing)WHEELS ON THE BUS GOROUND AND ROUND...

OH, THIS WASN'T THOSEMENTALLY CHALLENGED,

HAPPY, CORKY...

(singing)LIFE GOES ON...OH BLA DEE.

WE'LL GET THROUGH...

NO, THESE WERE PRISONRETARDS I WAS IN THERE WITH.

THE LEADER CAME UP TO ME...

HEY, WHAT AREYA IN FOR, MAN?

I DON'T READ GOOD.

YOU DON'T READ WELL,MOTHER (bleep)ER.

SIX MONTHS OF GETTINGMY ASS KICKED...

THAT WAS FUN.

(Russ Meneve)I WAS JUST IN VEGAS.

THAT PLACE IS DISGUSTING.

WHAT A CESSPOOL OF ADDICTIONTHAT PLACE IS, HUH?

THERE'S PROSTITUTESEVERYWHERE.

THE WORST PART IS, I HAVE NOIDEA THEY'RE PROSTITUTES.

I'M TOO PREOCCUPIED WITHHOW COOL I THINK I AM,

THAT IT'S GOING SOWELL AT THE BAR.

THESE WOMEN LOVE ME.

HERE'S A TIP FOR YOU WHEN YOUFIND OUT THEY ARE PROSTITUTES.

HERE'S WHAT I DO.

I'M LIKE, OH, MY GOD,YOU'RE A PROSTITUTE?

WHAT A COINCIDENCE!

I AM ALSO A PROSTITUTE.

I'D BE WILLING TOWAIVE MY FEE...

IF YOU WOULDALSO WAIVE YOURS.

NOW HOW MUCH AREYOU--$300?

I'M $400.

YOU OWE ME$100, YOU WHORE.

NOW GET MOVING.

(Richard Jeni)I WAS BROUGHT UP CATHOLIC.

MY MOM TOOK US TOMASS EVERY SUNDAY...

SHORT FOR MASSIVEHEAD TRAUMA...

THAT YOU GET FROM YOURMOTHER, PUNCHING YOU

IN YOUR LITTLE NINE-YEAR-OLD HEAD EVERY MINUTE

'CAUSE YOU CAN'T SIT STILLFOR ANYTHING THIS BORING.

THE MAIN PROBLEM IS THEGUY IN FRONT IS A PRIEST.

HIS MAIN JOB IS TO SAYTHE WORD "LORD"

8, 9,000 TIMES, INA VERY CLIPPED,

JUST-CAUGHT-MY-SCROTUM-IN-A-SUBWAY-DOOR,

KERMIT-THE-PRIEST VOICE.

(mimicking Kermit)LORD!

LORD GAAD!

OH, GAAD LORD!

AS I MUST DO EACH WEEK,

LET ME REPEAT THINGS OVERAND OVER SO AS TO FILL UP

A BUTT-ASS BORING HOUR.

I'D BE SITTING THERE,NINE YEARS OLD, GOIN',

WHAT ARE YOU, RAIN MAN?

WHY IS THISTAKING SO LONG?

WHA... OW!

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

YOU'RE IN GOD'SHOUSE RIGHT NOW!

GOD IS IN HERE?

YEAH, OKAY.

I GUESS HE MUST'VELOST A BET, BECAUSETHAT'S ABOUT THE...

OW!

AND I KEPT THINKING, OURCHURCH IS IN THE MIDDLE

OF BROOKLYN, NEW YORK.

WHY DON'T THEY JUSTGET SOME GUY UP THERE

IN A SHINY SUIT ON THE ALTARWHO'S GOT STUFF TO DO?

AND WE'D ALL BE OUT OFTHERE IN FIVE MINUTES.

(in Brooklyn accent)HEY, HOW YA DOIN'?

WELCOME TO MASS.

NICE TO SEE YA.

I'M THE REVERENDJIMMY CIPOCELLA.

SIT DOWN, SHUT UP.

I'M DOUBLE-PARKED.

OKAY, HERE'S EVERYTHINGYOU GOTTA KNOW

IF YOU WANNA GO TO HEAVEN.

A LONG TIME AGO,THERE'S A GARDEN,

THIS BROAD IS WALKIN'THROUGH, SHE TALKS TO A SNAKE,

BITES ON AN APPLE...

THAT MEANS WHEN YOU'REBORN, YOU'RE AN EVIL,

USELESS, WORTHLESS,PIECE OF CRAP.

GOES WITHOUT SAYIN'.

NOW, SKIP AHEAD, SKIPAHEAD, BLAH BLAH BLAH.

OKAY, THE FATHERSENDS DOWN THE SON,

THERE'S A PREGNANTVIRGIN IN A BARN.

THREE WISE GUYS COMEIN FROM THE EAST.

THAT'S CHRISTMAS.

GET A TREE.

SKIP, SKIP, SKIP.

BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.

OKAY.

THIS GUY JESUS,HE'S DOIN' GOOD,

THIS GUY JESUS,HE'S DOIN' GOOD,

BUT HIS FRIEND RATS HIM OUT.

THE ROMANS WHACK 'EM.

THAT'S EASTER.

GET A HAT.

SO THOSE ARETHE MAIN THINGS.

YOU GOT THE PRIEST, THESAINTS, THE CARDINALS.

RIGHT NOW THE SAINTS AREPLAYIN' THE CARDINALS.

I GOT A HUGEBET ON THE GAME.

I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE.

GOD BLESS YA.

SEE YA NEXT WEEK.

I TELL YA WHAT, I'MNEVER GOING TO CHURCH.

YOU ALREADY BEEN, MAN.

I THINK I'D REMEMBERSOMETHING AS BORING

AND PAINFUL AS THAT.

YOU WAS BAPTIZED, RIGHT?

I DON'T REMEMBER.

SURE YOU DO.

THE PRIEST DIPPED YOURBALD, MISSHAPEN HEAD

IN THE WATER, ANDYOU STARTED WAILIN'

LIKE A LITTLE BITCH.

(Nick)WAIT A SECOND.

THAT GRABBY FELLAWITH THE FUNNY COLLAR

AND HIS HANDS ALL OVERMY ASS WAS A PRIEST?

SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT TO ME.

I THOUGHT THAT I WASJUST GETTING A BATH.

YEAH, A BATH THAT COULDSEND HIM AWAY FOR 25 YEARS.

THE ONLY PLACE A PRIESTCAN BATHE A CHILD

IS IN HIS OWN SICK,TWISTED FANTASIES.

YOU BEEN BAPTIZED, SON.

(Gregg Rogell)TRYING TO GET IN SHAPENOW, A LITTLE BIT.

BEEN JOGGING.

JOGGERS TELL YOUWHEN THEY RUN,

THEY GET A RUNNERS' HIGH.

I'M NOT SURE WHATTHEY MEAN BY THAT,

BUT IF THEY MEAN PUKING ALLOVER MYSELF AND COLLAPSING,

I WAS PRETTY WASTED.

A BUDDY OF MINE RAN THE NEWYORK CITY MARATHON LAST MONTH.

26 MILESTHROUGH NEW YORK.

I DON'T HAVE THE STAMINATO WATCH IT ON TELEVISION,

TO BE HONEST WITH YOU.

WHO WANTS TO WATCH IT?

IT'S PEOPLE JOGGING.

THEY SHOULD MAKEIT DIFFICULT--

TURN IT INTO THE NEWYORK CITY TRIATHLON.

HAVE IT START IN THE SOUTHBRONX AT AROUND MIDNIGHT.

THAT I'D WATCH.

YEAH, YOU HAVE TORUN FOR YOUR LIFE TOTHE HUDSON RIVER...

SWIM ACROSS TONEWARK, STEAL A CAR,

AND THEN FOR THE ENDURANCEPART OF THE RACE,

DRIVE THE CAR BACKTO MANHATTAN AND GET IT

REGISTERED AT THE DEPARTMENTOF MOTOR VEHICLES.

HEY, YOU EVER GETA RUNNER'S HIGH?

I CAN'T EVEN STANDUP CORRECTLY.

I-I MAYBE I GOT ACRAWLER'S HIGH.

I DON'T UNDERSTANDTHAT--HIGH.

WHAT'S A HIGH?

WELL, I THINK IT'S LIKEWHEN YOU FEEL REAL GOODABOUT SOMETHING.

OR, IN MY UNCLEWILLY'S CASE,

WHEN YOU FEEL REALBAD ABOUT SOMETHING.

SO YOU SMOKE THESELITTLE WHITE ROCKS...

AND THE PAIN THAT YOU'RENOT MAN ENOUGH TO FACE

IS REPLACEDBY A HIGH.

AND THAT MAKESHIM FEEL BETTER?

YEAH, FOR ABOUT 10 MINUTES.

HE EVENTUALLY SOLDEVERYTHING HE OWNED--

EXCEPT HIS CAR,WHICH WAS REPOSSESSED,

AND HIS HOUSE WHICH HEBURNED DOWN WHILE

FREE BASING DRAINCLEANER, BUT WHATEVER.

THAT'S IT FOR ME.

I CAN'T GO ANY FURTHER.

MAN, I'M OUTTA SHAPE.

I THINK I'M GONNA PUKE.

MAYBE WE SHOULD TRY SOMEOF THAT YOGA WE SAW

ON THAT FITNESS SHOW.

THAT MIGHT HELP.

AH, SCREW THIS!

I CAN'T EVENTOUCH MY OWN TOES.

I CAN'T EVEN TOUCHMY DAMN KNEES.

I CAN KISS MY OWN ASS!

COOL.

WAIT A MINUTE... OOPS.

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

TIME FOR A DIAPER CHANGE.

(Patrice)YOU STINKIN' BASTARD.

(Ted Alexandro)TRYING TO KEEP INSHAPE, THOUGH, YOU KNOW?

BELONG TO A GYM NOW.

LET ME REPHRASE THAT.

I DON'T BELONG THEREAT ALL, BUT I GO.

I GO.

BIG GUYS AT THE GYM.

YOU SEEN THE BIG GYM GUYS?

IT'S LIKE BIG PIGEONSJUST WALKING AROUND.

BIG...

ALWAYS ASKING EACH OTHERWHAT PART OF THE BODY

THEY'RE WORKINGOUT THAT DAY.

LIKE, WHAT ARE YOUWORKING OUT TODAY?

BACK AND BIS.

WHAT ARE YOU WORKING OUT?

ASS AND HEAD.

I HAD NO IDEA.

FIRST TIME I WENT,THEY'RE LIKE,

WHAT ARE YOUWORKING OUT TODAY?

I WAS LIKE,CHILDHOOD ISSUES.

IS THERE AMACHINE FOR THAT?

AND THEY'RE BIG.

THEY ALWAYS WANNA GIVEYA A SPOT, TOO, RIGHT?

GUYS WANNA SPOT YA ANDTHEY YELL AT YA, LIKE,

ALL YOU, ALL YOU!

I'M LIKE, SOME YOU!

IT'S TOO HEAVY.

A LITTLE BITME, MOSTLY YOU.

I LIKE TO DO A LOT OFCARDIOVASCULAR EXERCISE.

YOU KNOW, I LIKETO JUMP ROPE.

BUT IT'S HARD TO FINDTWO PEOPLE TO TURN

WHO ARE WILLING TO SING.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

IT'S NOT THAT EASY.

SOMETIMES THEY DON'THAVE THE ROPE THERE,

I'LL JUST DO THEJUMPING MOTION.

AND THERE WAS THIS OLDGUY ON THE STAIR MASTER.

HE'S LIKE, "WHY DON'TYOU USE A REAL ROPE?"

I WAS LIKE, "WHY DON'TYOU CLIMB REAL STAIRS?"

SHE HAD SO MANY KIDS ANDDIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

MAN, HOW COME EVERYONEIN THESE NURSERY RHYMES

ARE SO DAMN STUPID?

LOOK AT THIS MORON.

WHAT KINDA IDIOTLIVES IN A SHOE?

YOU KNOW, MAYBE SHE HAD A BADREAL ESTATE AGENT, YOU KNOW.

THOSE GUYS AREPRETTY SLEAZY.

AND WHAT KINDA HO ISTHIS CHICK ANYWAY,

THAT SHE'S GOT SO MANYKIDS RUNNING AROUND

AND NO BABY'S DADDY IN A SHOE?

NAH, SHE GOT ABABY'S DADDY.

THAT JACK GUY.

(Nick)THE QUICK AND NIMBLEDUDE WHO'S ALWAYS

JUMPING OVER CANDLESTICKS.

OH, RIGHT.

HEY, WITH ALL THOSEKIDS, BURNING HIS

NUTS ON THAT FLAMEWOULD BE THE BEST THING

THAT COULD HAPPENTO BOTH OF THEM.

(Lewis Black)THE WORST THING ABOUTHALLOWEEN IS, OF COURSE,

CANDY CORN.

CANDY CORN IS THE ONLY CANDYIN THE HISTORY OF AMERICA

THAT'S NEVER BEENADVERTISED...

AND THERE IS A REASON.

ALL OF THE CANDY CORNTHAT WAS EVER MADE...

WAS MADE IN 1911.

AND SO, SINCE NOBODYEATS THAT STUFF,

EVERY YEAR THERE IS ATON OF IT LEFT OVER

AND THE CANDY CORN COMPANYSENDS THE GUYS TO THE VILLAGES

AND THEY COLLECT OUTOF THE DUMPSTERS

ALL THE CANDY CORNWE'VE THROWN AWAY.

THEY WASH IT.

THEY WASH IT.

I'LL NEVER FORGET THEFIRST TIME MY MOTHER

GAVE ME CANDY CORN.

SHE SAID, "HERE, LEWIS,

"THIS IS CANDY CORN.

IT IS CORN THATTASTES LIKE CANDY."

OOOH WHOOO!

THIS TASTES LIKE CRAP!

AND EVERY YEARSINCE THEN,

HALLOWEEN IS RETURNED,

AND I, LIKE ANALZHEIMER'S PATIENT,

FIND MYSELF IN THE ROOM,

AND THE ROOM HASA TABLE IN IT,

AND ON THE TABLE THEREIS A BOWL OF CANDY CORN,

AND I LOOK AT IT AS IF I'VENEVER SEEN IT BEFORE.

"CANDY CORN," I THINK.

CORN THAT TASTESLIKE CANDY.

I CAN'T WAIT.

SON OF A BITCH!