CC Presents: Mitch Fatel

  • Season 11, Ep 19
  • 04/05/2007

- I LIKE TO TOUCH THEM. - [LAUGHTER]

I HAVE A-- MY GIRLFRIEND, I DON'T LIKE HER THOUGH,

'CAUSE-- 'CAUSE SHE SNORES,

AND IT MAKES ME STAY UP AT NIGHT.

THE FIRST TIME IT HAPPENED, IT SCARED THE HELL OUTTA ME,

'CAUSE I DIDN'T KNOW GIRLS COULD SNORE.

I'D JUST FALLEN ASLEEP WHENALL OF A SUDDEN I HEAR [SNORES].

AND I WAS LIKE...

- "GRANDPA? - [LAUGHTER]

- "YOU'RE SO SOFT. - [LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

"YOU'RE THE SOFTEST GRANDPA EVER, AND I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH.

- YOU PLAY BALL WITH ME." - [LAUGHTER]

I'M ONLY JOKING. I DON'T HAVE A GIRLFRIEND.

I HAD A GIRLFRIEND. BUT SHE BROKE UP WITH ME,

WHICH I THINK IS BETTER.IT'S ALWAYS BETTER

WHEN A GIRL BREAKS UP WITH A GUY,

'CAUSE THEN IT'S OVER IN FIVE MINUTES.

'CAUSE THEN THE GUY JUST SAYS HIS PIECE, WHICH IS--

"YOU SUCK."THEN THAT'S IT. IT'S OVER.

BUT WHEN A GUY BREAKS UP WITH A GIRL,

YOU NEED AN ENTIRE AFTERNOON FREE.

'CAUSE THERE'S GONNA BE QUESTIONING AND WITNESSES

AND FORMS TO FILL OUT.

YOUR GIRLFRIEND TURNS INTO A LAWYER SHE'S LIKE

"IS IT NOT TRUE THAT YOU SAID WE WILL BE TOGETHER FOREVER?"

"I DON'T RECALL SAYING THAT."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS, WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

AND THEN SHE'S LIKE, "WELL, MAYBE THIS VALENTINE'S CARD WILL REFRESH YOUR MEMORY."

AND THEN I LEARNED AN IMPORTANT LESSON.

WOMEN SAVE EVERY SINGLETHING YOU GIVE THEM.

WHAT WE CONSIDER GIFTS,THEY CONSIDER POTENTIAL EVIDENCE

THAT CAN BE USED AGAINST YOU AT A LATER DATE.

THAT'S WHYTHEY HAVE SO MANY SHOES.THEY NEED THE BOXES

TO SAVE ALL THE CRAP THAT WE GIVE 'EM.

I DON'T MIND BEING SINGLE THOUGH,

'CAUSE WHEN YOU'RE SINGLE, YOU GET TO WATCH THE PORNO.

OH, MY GOD. I LOVE THE PORNO.

I NEVER LIKED PORNO. AND THEN I GOT THE INTERNET.

OH, MAN. YOU CANNOT GET INTO A PORNO

IF YOU HAVE THE INTERNET. IT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

YOU CAN DO A SEARCH FOR MUFFINS AND IT COMES UP,

"HOT GIRLS MASTURBATING WITH MUFFINS."

AND IT'S TOUGH IF YOU'RE A GUY, 'CAUSE YOU'RE LIKE,

"I THINK I WANNA SEE THAT.

I THINK WOULD ENJOY GIRLS MASTURBATING WITH MUFFINS

AND OTHER ASSORTED BAKED GOODS."

[LAUGHTER]

BUT THEN YOU STARTGETTING THAT PORNO SPAM.

THAT PORNO SPAM IS BAD STUFF, BOY,

'CAUSE I WANNA DELETE ITBUT IT'S ALMOST LIKE

THEY HAVE A CHIP IN MY HEAD OR SOMETHING,

'CAUSE I GET THESE E-MAILS. THEY'RE LIKE, "DO YOU LIKE

HOT, YOUNG GIRLS IN THIGH-HIGH STOCKINGS?"

- "YEAH." - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"DO YOU HAVE A CREDIT CARD?" "I SURE DO."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"DO YOU WANNA ADD THREE INCHESONTO YOUR PENIS?"

- "WHO'S BEEN READING MY DIARY?"- [LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

THAT PORNO SPAM PEOPLEARE GOOD.

- [LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]-YOU HAVE TO STOP, STOP.

I SAW A GAY PORNO MOVIE ONCE,AND IT FREAKED ME OUT,

'CAUSE THAT GUY WAS IN IT AND I DIDN'T EXPECT TO HIM--

SAME SHIRT AND EVERYTHING. I'LL NEVER FORGET THAT SHIRT.

I'M ONLY JOKING, DUDE.YOU HAD THAT SHIRT OFF.

HE WAS OILED UP. I HAD NEVER SEEN A GAY PORNO MOVIE BEFORE.

SO, IT WAS REALLY WEIRD TO SEE.

BECAUSE IT LOOKS JUST LIKE A REGULAR PORNO MOVIE,

EXCEPT IT'S JUST TWO GUYS DOING IT.

IT ALMOST LOOKS LIKE THE GIRL WAS LATE

AND THE DIRECTOR WAS LIKE--

"LOOKS LIKE WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO START WITHOUT HER, BOYS."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IF I WAS ON THAT SET, I WOULD BE LIKE,

"COULDN'T WE JUST WAITLIKE FIVE MORE MINUTES?

- THINK I HEAR HER CAR." - [LAUGHTER]

I WOULD BE GAY IF YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO DO THE GAY SEX PART.

I DON'T KNOW IF I WOULD LIKE THAT.

I THINK AFTER A COUPLE MINUTES, I'LL JUST BE LIKE,

"OW, QUIT IT.LET'S JUST CUDDLE, DUDE.

LET'S JUST TALK ABOUT OUR FEELINGS."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS, WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

'CAUSE THEY'RE SO HOT AND SOFT. AND THEY HAVE VAGINAS.

OH, MY GOD. I LOVE THOSE VAGINAS.

THOSE ARE WONDERFUL.

WHEN I DIE, THE FIRST THING I'M GONNA SAY TO GOD IS,

I'M GONNA BE LIKE, "DUDE. GOOD JOB ON THE VAGINA."

HE'LL SAY, "IT'S GOOD, RIGHT?" I'LL BE LIKE "IT'S EXCELLENT."

BUT THEY ALSO HAVE AN IMPORTANT FUNCTION.

LIKE, WHAT DOES YOUR VAGINA DO, MISS?

YOU DON'T KNOW? HERE, TAKE IT OUT. I'LL SHOW YOU.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS, WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

IT MAKES BABIES. YOU DIDN'T KNOW THAT?

- YEAH. I'LL SHOW YOU LATER. - [LAUGHTER]

I CAN'T BELIEVE GIRLS CAN MAKE BABIES. THAT'S AMAZING.

YOU'RE LIKE BABY FACTORIES.

BUT YOU CAN'T MAKE ONE WITHOUT US. I LOVE THAT.

YOU GOTTA COME TO US FIRST. WE HAVE THE SECRET INGREDIENT.

IT'S SO PERFECT. IT'S ALMOST LIKE GOD MADE US,

AND HE'S LIKE, "OOH, NO ONE'S GONNA TALK TO THEM.

I GOTTA GIVE THEM A JOB OR SOMETHING.

I'LL JUST LET THEM HOLD THE SECRET INGREDIENT."

BUT UNLIKE ANY OTHER SECRET INGREDIENT,

WE'LL JUST GIVE IT TO ANYONE WHO ASKS.

ANY GIRL CAN JUST WALK OVER TO YOU.

"HI, CAN I HAVEYOUR SECRET INGREDIENT?"

"CERTAINLY. I HAVE A NEW BATCH WHIPPED UP,

READY TO GO, FRESH SECRET INGREDIENT."

THAT'S DISGUSTING.

I THOUGHT I GOT A GIRL PREGNANT ONCE.

SHE CALLED ME UP. SHE'S LIKE, "I THINK I'M PREGNANT."

I WAS LIKE, "THE NUMBERYOU HAVE REACHED--"

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS, WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

I READ AN ARTICLE ONCE.IT SAID THAT YOU HAVE

A 25-PERCENT MORE CHANCEOF GETTING PREGNANT

- IF YOU DO IT DOGGY-STYLE. - [LAUGHTER]

SO, THAT'S WHATWE'LL START WITH, MISS.

DOGGY-STYLE. DOGGY-STYLE.

WHAT A DISGUSTING NAME FOR THE SINGLE MOST BEAUTIFUL ACT

EVER CREATED IN THE HISTORY OF MANKIND.

- THANK YOU, JESUS.- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I DON'T THINK WOMEN WILL EVER TRULY UNDERSTAND THE EMOTIONS

THAT THIS SIMPLE LITTLE POSITION BRINGS OUT IN US.

I THINK IT'S SIMILAR TO WHATYOU FEEL WHEN YOU SEE A SUNRISE.

YOU CAN'T TELL FROM YOUR POSITION.

BUT WE'RE CRYING AND TAKING PICTURES.

EVERY NOW AND THEN YOU MEET A GIRL,

AND THEN IT'S HERFAVORITE POSITION, TOO.

AND THEN THAT'S YOUR WIFE. I DON'T KNOW HOW GIRLS DO IT.

I WILL NEVER BE ABLETO GET IN THAT POSITION.

THE WHOLE TIME, I WOULD JUST BE LIKE--

"WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON BACK THERE?

WHY DO I FEEL CRUMBS? ARE YOU EATING?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND IT'S COOL. LIKE, PEOPLE ARE RECOGNIZING ME.

LIKE, THIS GIRL CAME OVER TO ME AND SHE'S LIKE,

"I SAW YOU ON TV." AND I WAS LIKE, "OH, MY GOD, I'M GONNA HAVE SEX."

I GOT HAPPY. AND THEN SHE GOES "CAN I ASK YOU A QUESTION,"

IN LIKE ALL SEXY VOICE. I'M LIKE, "YEAH." SHE'S LIKE "ARE YOU RETARDED?"

- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] - THAT'S NOT FUNNY.

I'M LIKE, "NO, I'M NOT RETARDED.

"I MEAN, DON'T GET ME WRONG, I'M AS CLOSE TO RETARDED

"AS YOU CAN GET AND STILL LIVE ALONE, I ADMIT THAT,

"IF THERE WAS LIKE, AN ISLAND OF RETARDED PEOPLE,

"I WOULD BE THEIR KING.YEAH. THEY WOULD BE LIKE

"'HE CAN CUT HIS OWN MEAT.HE WILL LEAD US.'

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS, WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

"'WHO WAS THAT MAN WHO TIED BOTH HIS SHOES BY HIMSELF?

IT'S ME, SUPER RETARDO.'"

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

AND THEY LET ME SEE THEMIN THEIR PANTIES.

OH, MY GOD. I LOVE SEEING GIRLS IN THEIR PANTIES.

GIRLS CAN ACTUALLY BUY THEMSELVES A PAIR OF PANTIES,

AND IT'S A GIFT FOR YOU. ON MY LAST BIRTHDAY,

MY GIRLFRIEND WALKED OUT IN BRAND-NEW PANTIES.

SHE'S LIKE, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY."

I WAS LIKE, "THIS ISTHE BEST BIRTHDAY EVER."

SOME GUYS-- THEY LIKE PANTIES TOO MUCH. I WAS READING IN THE PAPER,

THERE WAS A GUY WHO GOT ARRESTED'CAUSE HE WOULD GO INTO

GIRLS' HOUSES AND HE WOULD STEAL THEIR PANTIES.

THAT GUY HAS PSYCHOLOGICAL ISSUES. DON'T GET ME WRONG,

I LIKE PANTIES JUSTAS MUCH AS THE NEXT GUY.

BUT WITHOUT THE GIRL THE PANTY LOSES ITS POWER.

THAT'S WHY WHEN GIRLS PUT ON THEIR PANTIES,

THEY ALWAYS YELL OUT,"PANTY POWERS ACTIVATE."

- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] - YEAH. THAT'S A FACT.

I JUST FOUND OUT THAT GIRLS ACTUALLY GO

PANTY SHOPPING TOGETHER.

OH. THEY'RE SO SEXY.

[LAUGHTER]

GIRLS, PLEASE BRING ME PANTY-SHOPPING TO YOU.

I WILL BE SUCHA GOOD PANTY ASSISTANT.

I WILL HOLDALL THE PANTIES FOR YOU.

THEN IF THERE'S ANOTHER WOMAN THAT HAS A PAIR THAT YOU WANT,

- YOU'LL GET THOSE PANTIES. - [LAUGHTER]

AND NOW WOMEN WEAR THOSE THONG PANTIES.

OH. THOSE ARE WONDERFUL.

I CAN'T BELIEVE WE GOT THOSE THROUGH. I MEAN, SERIOUSLY.

I THOUGHT WE WOULD SEE UFOs BEFORE WOMEN WOULD AGREE

TO PUT A PIECE OF STRINGUP THERE ASS FOR US.

BUT WE PULLED TOGETHER AND WE GOT IT GOING.

- AND I'M PROUD OF US. - [CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

NO, STO-- NO, NO. DON'T CLAP FOR ME.

I'M-- I'M NO HERO. I'M SPOILED NOW.

WHENEVER I'M WITH A GIRLWITH REGULAR PANTIES,

I'M ALWAYS LIKE-- "AREN'T YOU READY

FOR BIG-GIRL PANTIES? THAT'S SO SAD."

I KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT WOMEN. I'M LIKE A WOMAN STATISTICIAN.

LIKE, DO YOU KNOW THAT THE AVERAGE WOMAN

TAKES THREE SHOWERS A DAY? THAT'S A FACT.

AND I KNOW WHY, TOO. I READ IT IN COSMO.

IT SAID THAT 83 PERCENT OF ALL WOMEN MASTURBATE IN THE SHOWER.

- THAT'S WONDERFUL. - [LAUGHTER]

I CAN'T MASTURBATE IN THE SHOWER 'CAUSE MY LEGS GIVE OUT

AND THEN I RIP DOWN THE SHOWER CURTAIN.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND THEN MY MOM GETS MAD.

AND I HAVE TO GO TO BEDWITHOUT DINNER.

I DON'T EVEN UNDERSTANDWHY GIRLS MASTURBATE.

JUST CALL. I WANNA HELP YOU IN YOUR TIME OF NEED.

THAT'S HOW I AM.THAT'S HOW I WAS RAISED.

AND IF YOU'RE GONNA MASTURBATE LADIES,

DON'T USE THOSE SEX TOYS, 'CAUSE YOU GET USED TO THOSE,

AND THEN WE CAN NEVER LIVE UP TO THAT.

BECAUSE NO MATTER HOW HARD I TRYI CANNOT MAKE MY PENIS VIBRATE.

MAYBE AFTER LIKE 12 RED BULLS I CAN GET LIKE A BUZZ GOING.

BUT THEN I'M UP ALL NIGHT AND I HAVE TO PEE A LOT.

[LAUGHTER]

AND IF YOU'RE GONNA USE THEM,THEN AT LEAST HIDE THEM FROM US.

I FOUND MY GIRLFRIEND'S VIBRATOR.

OH, MY GOD. IT WAS THE SIZEOF MY ARM. I WAS LIKE,

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING WHEN I'M NOT HERE?" SHE GOES,

"DON'T WORRY. I THINK ABOUT YOU WHEN I USE IT." I WAS LIKE,

"WHAT AM I DOING, WORKING THE CRANE

- THAT LOWERS YOU ONTO IT?" - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

OF THE WOMAN'S NEEDS.MOST GUYS DON'T EVEN TALK TO YOU

WHEN THEY'RE HAVING SEX WITH YOU.

IF YOU'RE LUCKY, THEY'RE JUST LIKE

"I'M FALLING OFF THE BED." THAT'S IT.

YOU'RE LUCKY IF YOU GET THAT. BUT NOT ME,

EVERY GIRL I HAVE SEX WITH GETSTHE MITCH FATEL QUESTIONNAIRE.

I'M ALWAYS LIKE, "HOW ARE YOU ENJOYING THIS SO FAR?

"HAVE I BEEN COURTEOUS AND KIND?

WOULD YOU RECOMMEND ME TO A FRIEND?"

- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] - YEAH, OKAY.

AND EVERY GIRL WHO HAS SEX WITH ME LADIES,

IS GUARANTEED TO HAVE AN ORGASM, OR DINNER IS ON ME.

MOST GUYS DON'T EVEN CARE IF YOU HAVE AN ORGASM.

GUYS JOKE AROUND. THEY'RE LIKE,

"HOW DO YOU KNOW A WOMAN HAD AN ORGASM?

WHO CARES? HA HA HA, LET'S GO SMOKE CRACK."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

NOT ME, I LOVE GIVING WOMEN ORGASMS. OH, MY GOD.

I WOULD RATHER DO THAT THAN HAVE ONE MYSELF.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I WOULD, 'CAUSE WOMEN ARE JUST SO GIVING

WHEN THEY HAVE AN ORGASM. OH, MY GOD.

THEY REALLY WANT YOU TO KNOW YOU DID A GOOD JOB.

THEY THANK YOU AND MAKE YOUSANDWICHES. EGG SALAD.

AND I THINK THAT WOMEN ENJOY THEIR ORGASMS

A LOT MORE THAN MEN,'CAUSE WHEN A GUY HAS AN ORGASM,

IT'S JUST ONE BIG, UGLY GRUNT. [GRUNTS]

BUT WHEN A WOMAN HAS AN ORGASM,

OH, MY GOD. IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

FIRST OF ALL, THEY DON'T JUST HAVE AN ORGASM,

THERE'S A WHOLE 15-MINUTE PRE-SHOW BEFORE,

WEIRD LIKE MOANINGAND KNOCKING STUFF OVERAND THREATENING YOU,

"IF YOU STOP THAT, I'LL RIP YOUR BALLS OFF."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND THEN THEY JUST GET REALLY QUIET.

AND THAT QUIET TIME IS THE MOST IMPORTANT TIME

BECAUSE THAT'S THEIR CONCENTRATING TIME.

AND IT'S VERY IMPORTANTTHAT YOU DON'T TALK

DURING THEIR CONCENTRATING TIME,

ESPECIALLY WITH A GUYLYING LIKE, "COME ON,BRING IT HOME, COWGIRL.

- I GOT A SANDWICH WAITIN'." - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU JUST KEEP YOURMOUTH SHUT AND GET READYTO DEFEND YOURSELF,

'CAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHY. BUT WHEN A WOMAN HAS AN ORGASM,

IT'S VERY IMPORTANT TO THEM THAT THEY HURT YOU.

THEY START PULLING YOUR HAIRAND CHOKING YOU.

THIS ONE GIRL STARTED RAMMING MY HEAD AGAINST THE HEADBOARD.

I WAS LIKE, "I'M GONNA DIE. TELL MY MOM I LOVE HER."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

I DON'T KNOW WHAT KINDA JOB I WOULD DO IF I WASN'T FUNNY.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WOULD BE ABLE TO DO.

I THINK I WILL WANNA BE A DOCTOR.

THAT'S A GOOD JOB 'CAUSE WHEN YOU'RE A DOCTOR,

YOU'RE ALLOWED TO ASK GIRLS TO TAKE OFF THEIR CLOTHES.

OH, MY GOD.I WILL WORK ON WEEKENDS.

I WOULD GET IN TROUBLE ON THE FIRST DAY.

LIKE, THIS GIRL WOULD BE LIKE, "DOCTOR, I HAVE A EARACHE."

I WOULD BE LIKE, "HMM. I'M GONNA NEED TO SEE YOUR ASS."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THEN LIKE A 600-POUND WOMAN WOULD COME IN AND SHE WOULD BE LIKE

"I HAVE A YEAST INFECTION."I WOULD BE LIKE

"YOU SHOULD WALK IT OFF. JUST WALK THAT RIGHT OFF."

[LAUGHTER, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

Loading...