PETA Not on Set

  • Season 2, Ep 3
  • 10/19/2011

Nick invents the Party Olympics, a dog escapes boredom by extreme measures, and parents test their daughter's boyfriend.

I GOT ANOTHER ROWIN THE SUDOKU PUZZLE.

AND THIS ONE'S IN EXPERT.VANILLA, CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?

( whines )

- I LOVE YOU, #3.- ( barks )

I'M COMING ON ANOTHER ROW.

- ( whines )- WHAT'S THAT, BUDDY?

NO, I'M GOOD.WE'LL GO FOR A WALK LATER.

WE'VE GOTTA WATCH SUDOKUCHAMPIONSHIPS ON E.S.P.N.

- ( whines )- OH, I THINK THEY'RE ON RIGHT NOW.

YEAH, IT'S HERE,VANILLA.

VANILLA, DON'T YOUWANNA WATCH THEM? HEH.

VANILLA?

SUDOKU CHAMPIONSHIPS,

YOUR FAVORITE.

VANILLA?ALL RIGHT.

VANILLA,YOU IN HERE, BUDDY?

- ( choking )- OH MY GOD, NO!

VANILLA! VANILLA!

GET THAT OFF.

OH, MY VANILLA.

WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?

HOW LONG HAVE YOU HADSUICIDAL IDEATION?

- ( whimpers )- NOW, VANILLA, WERE YOU TEAT-FED?

- ( whimpers )- OKAY, BOTTLE-FED. VERY INTERESTING.

OKAY, YOU CAN COME ONIN NOW IF YOU LIKE.

THERE IS NO EASY WAYTO SAY THIS,

BUT YOUR DOG TRIEDTO COMMIT SUICIDE

BECAUSE HE'S BOREDWITH YOU.

I AM VERY FUN.

WELL, RIGHT NOW I'M NOTHAVING ANY FUN WITH YOU.

WELL, YOU WOULD BEIF YOU WERE AT MY HOUSE,

WHICH I CALL THE FUN ZONE.

- WHAT DO YOU DO FOR WORK?- I EDIT TECHNICAL MANUSCRIPTS FOR COMPUTERS

AND IT IS A ROLLER COASTEREVERY DAY.

I EXAMINEDHIS SUICIDE NOTE

AND IT IS ALLRIGHT THERE.

- I FEEL AWFUL.- OKAY, NOW THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU.

THIS IS ABOUT VANILLA.

PLEASE MONITOR HIM CLOSELY.

HE IS ON DEATH WATCH.

♪ IF YOU WANT, SAY THE WORD ♪

♪ AND I'LL WALK AWAY...

- ( electricity crackles )- ( yelps )

- ♪ BUT I FEAR TO HAVE YOU NEAR... ♪- OH, VANILLA!

WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS?

- ( engine starts )- ♪ AND IF THE WORDS DON'T COME EASY... ♪

- ( coughing )- ♪ YOU DON'T NEED TO SAY

♪ WE DON'T HAVE TO MAKE SO MUCH ♪

♪ OF GOODBYE

- ( bicycle bell rings )- ♪ HOO

- ♪ OOH OOH OOH. - ( metal dragging )

- ( tires screech )- ( barks, whining )

( man crying ) VANILLA, VANILLA!

VANILLA, I LOVE YOU.

BUT IF THISIS WHAT YOU WANT,

THEN WHO AM I TO STANDIN YOUR WAY?

I AM SORRYTHAT I FAILED YOU.

( whimpers )

( barking )

WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT!NO NO.

- NO.- ( barks )

ALL-- ALL RIGHT, BOY.

HE SEEMS TO BE SAYINGTHAT NOW THAT HE KNOWS

YOU'RE CAPABLE OF KILLINGSOMEONE WITH A PILLOW,

HE NO LONGER THINKSYOU'RE BORING.

- ( barks )- IS THAT TRUE?

( barks )

- ( growling )- HUH?

- ( muffled shouting )- ♪ MMM...

IT'S PRETTY COMMON.

MY FIRST ALBUMWAS CALLED "PARTY."

I THINK WE HAVETHE ALBUM COVER.YEAH. YEAH.

( audience cheering )

I HAVE FRIENDSWHO DO TRIATHLONS.I'M JUST LIKE -- YOU.

THEY'D BE LIKE, "DUDE,TRY ONE DAY RUNNING,

THEN SWIMMING,THEN RIDING A BIKE."

I'M LIKE, "TRY GOINGTO VEGAS FOR FIVE DAYS,

DRINKING AND SMOKING WEEDAND DOING OTHER STUFF.

IT'S REALLY HARD."

THERE SHOULD BEA PARTYING OLYMPICS.

I THINK THAT'D BE AWESOME.JUST GET PARTIERS FROMALL OVER THE WORLD

AND JUST SEE WHO CANHOLD THEIR OWN.

AND THESE ARE SOMEOF THE EVENTS, ALL RIGHT?

THE FIRST EVENT OF COURSEIS SMIRNOFF ICE HOCKEY.

YOU PLAY ON A RINK OF SMIRNOFF ICE

AND THEN YOU CAN JUST LICKTHE RINK WHILE YOU PLAY IT

AND JUST GET A BUZZ.THAT'S AWESOME.

THE NEXT ONEIS ONE OF MY FAVORITES:SHOTS PUT.

SO--( laughs )

YOU JUST THROW A SHOT GLASSLIKE A SHOT PUT

INTO SOMEBODY ELSE'S MOUTH.

MIGHT LOSE SOME TEETH, BUT THAT'S THE PRICE YOU PAY

FOR BEING A GREATPARTYING OLYMPIAN.

THIS IS MY OTHER FAVORITE:THE HIGH JUMP.

HE'S IN GOOD SHAPEFOR A STONER.

I'VE NEVER SEEN A STONERTHAT DIESEL BEFORE.

LOOKS LIKE HE'S GONNACLEAR IT.

THIS IS ANOTHER GOOD ONE.THIS IS CROSS-COUNTRY PEEING.

- SEE, THERE'S A TRAIL OF PEE.- ( audience groans )

HEY, IT'S THE OLYMPICS,YOU GUYS.

DON'T -- ON THESE OLYMPIANS,THESE PEOPLE.

SO GROSS.

THIS IS ANOTHER--SPEED-SKATING.

THIS GUY'S ALL JACKED UP ON METH.

HIS TEETH ARE FALLING OUT,BUT HE'S SKATING, DUDE.

THIS IS ONE WE'VE ALL DONE.WE COULD ALL BE IN THIS ONE:

SYNCHRONIZED DRUNK TEXTING.

I DON'T KNOWWHO THOSE GUYS ARE.

THEY LOOK KIND OF LIKE DOUCHEBAGS.

LOOKS LIKE DAVE GROHLIF HE HAD A VAGINA.

THIS IS MY FAVORITE,THIS NEXT ONE:

THE PARALLEL BARS.

COME ON, THAT'S AMAZING!

TWO BARS PARALLEL.

AND THEN THIS ONE IS OF COURSETHE 100-METER HURLS.

- YEAH! SO GROSS!- ( audience groans )

THANKS FOR TUNING INTO THE SHOW.

THIS NEXT SKETCHIS EVEN FILTHIER THANWHAT YOU JUST SAW.

PARTY!

BUT WE'VE GOTA COUPLE OF OPTIONS.

WE'VE GOTYOUR STANDARD CASKET

OR WE HAVE CREMATION

OR YOU CAN GET PINATA'D.

♪ PINATA YOUR BODY

- ♪ PINATA YOUR BODY... - Man: FUNERALS ARE SAD

AND WHO WANTS TO PLAY WITH ASHES?

DO THE DIGNIFIED THING AND SEND GRANDPA OFF

- WITH A PARTY.- ( sustained tone )

JUST WATCH HIM DIE, BRING HIM IN HERE,

AND THEN WE'LL GUT HIM AND REPLACE THOSE GUTS WITH SOME CANDY!

♪ PINATA THE BODY

♪ PINATA THE BODY, HEH HEY! ♪

♪ PINATA THE BODY

♪ PINATA THE BODY...

GRANDPA'S THE BEST!

BREAK THE SKIN, BOBBY.

SHOW GRANDPAHOW MUCH YOU LOVE HIM.

♪ PINATA THE BODY, HEY HEY! ♪

♪ PINATA THE BODY...

WHAT BETTER WAYTO SEND SOMEONE OFF?

SOMETIMES YOU DON'T LOVE YOUR LOVED ONES,

AND FOR THAT WE OFFER CUSTOM FILLINGS.

I FILLED YOU FULL OF --

'CAUSE YOU DON'TDESERVE CANDY!

WE ALSO HAVETHE DOG -- OPTION.

- ♪ PINATA YOUR BODY... - ( spits )

- YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'RE CRYING POO!- ♪ PINATA YOUR BODY!

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