Tuesday, April 8, 2014

  • 04/08/2014

Greg Behrendt, Esther Povitsky and Doug Benson list #RejectedIceCream, watch dating videos from the 80s and conduct a Reddit AMA with the Playboy grotto.

INTERNET HEADLINES, IT'S "RAPID

REFRESH."

(APPLAUSE)

BREAKING NEWS: TWITTER HAS

STARTED TO ROLL OUT THEIR LATEST

REDESIGN, AND IT HAS GONE FROM

TOPICAL DEPRESSION TO CATEGORY

5 TWITSTORM 2014.

(THUNDER RUMBLES)

THE INTERNET IS PISSED BECAUSE

NOTHING MAKES SOCIAL MEDIA USERS

YELL JIHAD LIKE A SLIGHT CHANGE

TO A FREE SERVICE.

(LAUGHTER)

EVEN IF IT'S AN IMPROVEMENT.

SO LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT WHAT THE

TWITTER GODS HATH WROUGHT

FOR THIS TWITSTORM 2014!

(APPLAUSE)

ALL RIGHT, GOING OVER HERE

TO THE BOARD, THE FIRST THING

YOU WILL NOTICE IS THAT A HIGH

PRESSURE SYSTEM HAS EXPANDED

THE PERSONALIZED HEADER GRAPHIC

IN THE NORTHERN REGION OF YOUR

BROWSER, WHICH AT FIRST GLANCE

IS AESTHETICALLY PLEASING,

BUT NERDS HATE CHANGE!

AN INFORMATION FRONT HAS ADDED

A NEW PHOTO/VIDEO COUNTER RIGHT

HERE, TO WHICH THIS REPORTER

SAYS, "HOW DARE YOU, TWIT SIRS?"

BECAUSE WHAT'S WORSE THAN USEFUL

DATA?

GUSTY WINDS HAVE MOVED AT 100

PIXELS PER SECOND AND HAVE BLOWN

THE "WHO TO FOLLOW" AND "TREND"

SECTIONS ALL ACROSS THE TWITTER

SPACE INTO A FAR MORE EASY TO

READ AND THEREFORE INFURIATING

FORMAT.

TWITTER'S OWN RECOMMENDATION

ENGINES HAVE EMBRACED THE END OF

DAYS, RECOMMENDING THAT WE

FOLLOW @LOCUSTS, @BLOOD AND

@CATTLEDISEASE.

(LAUGHTER)

HERE IS A REMOTE CAMERA FROM

RIGHT OUTSIDE TWITTER'S

HEADQUARTERS AS WE SPEAK.

THIS IS A LIVE FEED.

>> NO, NOT THE TWITTER!

NOT THE HASHTAG!

OH GOD, NO, NO!

(APPLAUSE)

>> THAT'S YOUR FIVE-DAY

FORECAST.

I AM CHRIS HARDWICK

AND I WILL SEE YOU ALL IN HELL

FOR TWITSTORM 2014!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

COMEDIANS, WHICH OF THE

FOLLOWING DISGRUNTLED TWEETS

HAS RECEIVED THE MOST RETWEETS?

A. THIS NEW TWITTER LOOKS LIKE

WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF THE MOBILE

APP TOOK A (BLEEP).

B. THIS NEW TWITTER LOOKS LIKE

AIDS WOULD IF IT HAD A LOOK.

>> WOW.

(LAUGHTER)

OH MY GOD.

>> Chris: COME ON, PEOPLE.

C. TWITTER AND FACEBOOK KEEP

JEALOUSLY GLANCING AT EACH

OTHER.

"WE'RE GONNA MAKE SUCH AN UGLY

BABY TOGETHER," THEY WHISPER

BEFORE POUNCING.

DOUG BENSON.

>> B. COME ON, AIDS!

>> Chris: THE ONLY TIME IT'S

OKAY TO USE THAT IN THIS

CONTEXT.

WHAT IS THE CORRECT ANSWER?

IT IS IN FACT C.

>> OH!

DAMN IT, AIDS.

>> WAIT, CAN I JUST SAY I AGREE

WITH THE TWITTER HATERS BECAUSE

I DON'T WANT PEOPLE TO BE ABLE

TO SEE WHO TO FOLLOW, WHO'S

SIMILAR TO ME, BECAUSE IT'S

ALWAYS ARBY'S OR A PORN STAR.

>> Chris: DO YOU FEEL LIKE

YOU'RE THE PERFECT NEXUS BETWEEN

ARBY'S AND PORN STAR?

>> I DO.

>> Chris: TINY BEEF AND CHEDDAR!

(APPLAUSE)

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, TODAY IS

A PROUD DAY FOR NASA AND A GREAT

DAY TO BE AN AMERICAN.

WHY? BECAUSE WE JUST PULLED OFF

THE FIRST INSTAGRAM FROM SPACE!

USA!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

#NOFILTER, THAT'S ASTRONAUT

STEVEN SWANSON ABOARD THE ISS

POSING IN ONE SMALL PIC FOR MAN,

ONE GIANT SELFIE FOR MANKIND.

COMEDIANS, NOW THAT NASA HAS

MASTERED THE SPACE SELFIE,

WHAT'S ANOTHER SOCIAL MEDIA GOAL

FOR THIS MISSION?

GREG BEHRENT.

>> I'M GOING TO SAY I'M CONFUSED

BECAUSE I THOUGHT WE NO LONGER

HAD A MYSPACE PROGRAM.

>> Chris: HEY!

>> AM I RIGHT?

>> Chris: POINTS, POINTS!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

DOUG BENSON.

>> WHAT'S HAPPENING?

>> Chris: 100 POINTS TO DOUG.

>> NO, I GOT ONE, I GOT ONE.

>> Chris: YOU WANT TO ANSWER

NOW?

>> I GOT ONE.

>> Chris: WHAT?

>> SNAPCHAT A PIC OF YOUR

FLOATING SPACE DICK.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: YEAH...

>> YOU ALREADY GAVE ME POINTS.

I DON'T GIVE A (BLEEP)

WHAT YOU DO.

>> Chris: HE'S RIGHT.

(APPLAUSE)

TONIGHT'S #HASHTAGWARS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> ACCORDING TO benjerry.com,

TODAY'S FREE CONE DAY

AT BEN AND JERRY'S.

(CHEERING)

IN HONOR OF FREE CONE DAY,

TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS

#REJECTEDICECREAM.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

"HOW COULD YOU REJECT

ICE CREAM?!

THIS IS AMERICA!"

EXAMPLES OF REJECTED ICE

CREAMS WOULD BE "ROCKY CHODE,"

YOU WOULDN'T WANT THAT.

>> NO!

>> Chris: SNOOKIES AND CREAM,

THAT'D BE A TERRIBLE FLAVOR.

WAIT!

CHERRY SANDUSKY.

NOT A GOOD ICE CREAM FLAVOR.

(APPLAUSE)

I AM GOING TO PUT 60 SECONDS

ON THE CLOCK, AND GO.

DOUG BENSON.

>> PHISH PHARTS.

BOTH SPELLED WITH A PH.

>> Chris: POINTS.

GREG.

>> (BLEEP) RAISIN.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: THAT IMAGE.

YES, POINTS.

>> I LIKE RAISINS.

>> Chris: DOUG.

>> BANANA SPLIFF.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS.

ESTHER.

>> CHERRY SPRINGER.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS.

WELL DONE.

DOUG BENSON.

>> CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIE DOUG.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS!

"THE ICE CREAM THAT'S SO HIGH

IT EATS ITSELF."

ESTHER.

>> MINT CHOCOLATE CHENEY.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS.

GREG.

>> I WILL GO WITH CORN NUTS.

HANG ON, CAVEAT: IT'S NOT CORN

NUT THE CORN NUT,

IT'S THE NUTS OF THE BAND KORN.

(LAUGHTER)

IT'S A REALLY AWFUL ICE CREAM.

>> Chris: YEAH, POINTS.

DOUG.

>> PEOPLE DON'T KNOW THIS, BUT

CHUBBY HUBBY WAS ORIGINALLY

CALLED FAT (BLEEP)ER.

>> Chris: WHAT?

(APPLAUSE)

WELL, THE LATEST TREND INVOLVING

MILLENNIALS OVERSHARING ON

SOCIAL MEDIA IS HERE:

"AFTER SEX SELFIES."

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

THEY ARE EXACTLY WHAT THEY

SOUND LIKE: COUPLES POSTING

PICTURES IN INSTAGRAM WITH

HASHTAG "#AFTERSEX,"

WHICH I ASSUME IS THE MOMENT

RIGHT AFTER THEY HAVE SEX.

THAT IS ALSO A SHOW

THAT I WOULD HOST.

AN AFTER SEX SHOW.

(APPLAUSE)

I AM GOING TO SHOW YOU AN

AFTER SEX SELFIE OF A POST

COITAL COUPLE AND I WANT YOU TO

GIVE ME THEIR INNER MONOLOGUE.

LET'S START WITH THIS TATTOOED

COUPLE, THEY JUST DID IT.

(LAUGHTER)

ESTHER.

>> "NOW WE CAN GO BACK TO BEING

THE CLASSIEST COUPLE IN TAMPA."

>> Chris: YES, POINTS!

>> "WE GOT THESE TATS WHILE

(BLEEP)ING."

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: OKAY, NEXT ONE.

THESE TWO, HOW ABOUT THESE TWO?

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

>> Chris: WELL, THAT SEEMED

TO GO WELL.

DOUG.

>> "REGRET HAS MANY FACES."

>> Chris: POINTS, POINTS.

(APPLAUSE)

GREG, YOU HAD ONE?

>> YEAH, I'D LIKE, UH...

IS HE GOING TO LEAVE HIS FIST

IN THERE?

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

(CHEERING)

I'M A RELATIONSHIP EXPERT.

IT'S OKAY, I CAN SAY THAT.

>> Chris: GREG, SO YOU'RE SAYING

HE IS JUST THAT INTO HER.

>> ALL THE WAY.

ALL THE WAY.

>> Chris: WELL DONE, POINTS.

ALL RIGHT, LAST ONE, LAST ONE,

THIS GUY FLYING SOLO HERE.

(LAUGHTER)

DOUG.

>> "LOOK MA, NO WIFE!"

>> Chris: POINTS.

ANYONE ELSE?

ESTHER.

>> "25 YEARS TOGETHER

AND WE'VE NEVER FOUGHT ONCE."

>> Chris: POINTS.

(APPLAUSE)

PLAYING AROUND WITH THE WORD.

NOW, I DON'T WANT TO SCARE ANY

OF YOU KIDS, BUT BEFORE OKCUPID

AND EHARMONY AND EVEN THE

INTERNET ITSELF, THE ONLY WAY

TO MAKE STRANGERS INTO LOVERS

WITHOUT REAL WORLD ENCOUNTERS

WAS TO MAKE ONE OF THOSE WEIRD

DATING VIDEOTAPES.

TAPES!

(LAUGHTER)

THANKS TO YOUTUBE, THEY'RE BACK.

COMEDIANS, I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU

AN '80S DATING CLIP AND YOU HAVE

TO GUESS THE FOLLOW UP LINE.

SO THIS BACHELOR'S READY TO HAND

OUT A ROSE RIGHT HERE.

>> I'M LOOKING FOR THE GODDESS.

ARE YOU THE GODDESS?

WHO IS THE GODDESS?

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: SO COMEDIANS, IS BON

JOVI ASKING WHETHER OR NOT

THE GODDESS IS A WOMAN,

ANY WOMAN, ALL WOMEN,

OR THE CREATOR, A CREATOR,

MY CREATOR.

DOUG.

(LAUGHTER)

>> I THINK AFTER HE MENTIONS

THAT THEY SHOULD ALLOW DANCING

IN THE TOWN...

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: THAT HE WANTS

TO DELIVER THE KEVIN BACON.

>> HE'S GOING TO SAY "A WOMAN,

ANY WOMAN, ALL WOMEN."

>> Chris: LET'S FIND OUT.

>> THE GODDESS IS THE WOMAN,

IS A WOMAN, IS ANY WOMAN,

IS ALL WOMEN.

(APPLAUSE)

>> I AM SO SCARED ONE OF THESE

IS GOING TO BE MY DAD.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: OKAY, THIS GUY

OFFERING DISCOUNT MUSTACHE

RIDES.

>> I DO FASHION PHOTOGRAPHY.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: SO IS THE NEXT LINE,

"AND THIS LIGHTING IS WHAT I

CALL A DISASTER" OR "JUST SUGAR

AND SPICE AND ALL OF THOSE

THINGS THAT ARE NICE?"

DOUG.

>> HE SEEMS CORNY ENOUGH THAT

HE'D SAY "JUST SUGAR AND SPICE

AND ALL OF THOSE THINGS

THAT ARE NICE."

HE'S TRYING TO GET LAID.

>> Chris: LET'S FIND OUT.

>> JUST SUGAR AND SPICE AND ALL

OF THOSE THINGS THAT ARE NICE.

(APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: GOOD JOB, POINTS.

>> DID THOSE LINES WORK IN THE

'80S?

>> Chris: NO, THEY HAVEN'T

WORKED IN ANY ERA.

>> "THAT'S A SPICY VAGINA!"

REMEMBER THOSE COMMERCIALS?

>> Chris: YES, I REMEMBER

THOSE VAGINA COMMERCIALS.

"THAT'S A SPICY VAGINA!"

>> I CAN'T BELIEVE I ATE

THE WHOLE THING.

(APPLAUSE)

LET'S DO AN AMA.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

ONE OF THE MOST DELIGHTFUL

FEATURES OF REDDIT IS THE AMA,

WHERE INTERESTING PEOPLE ANSWER

QUESTIONS FROM REDDITORS.

IN OUR VERSION, YOU GET 250

POINTS FOR EACH FUNNY QUESTION

YOU ASK.

ALL RIGHT, IT IS NOW OFFICIALLY

HUGH HEFNER'S 87TH BIRTHDAY.

>> WHEN I WAS IN COLLEGE,

I APPLIED FOR THE HUGH HEFNER

SCHOLARSHIP.

>> Chris: YOU DID?

>> YEAH, I DIDN'T GET IT THOUGH.

>> Chris: NO!

WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO DO TO GET

THE HUGH HEFNER SCHOLARSHIP?

>> UM, I CAN'T REALLY TELL YOU

RIGHT NOW.

>> Chris: WELL, IN HONOR OF HEF

AND THE BASH HE'S GOING TO HAVE

AT THE PLAYBOY MANSION TO

CELEBRATE, TONIGHT'S AMA IS:

"I AM THE PLAYBOY GROTTO,

ASK ME ANYTHING."

I WILL PUT 60 SECONDS

ON THE CLOCK, AND GO.

ESTHER.

>> WHAT'S IT LIKE TO HAVE

A PERSON WITH A JOB (BLEEP)

INSIDE YOU?

>> Chris: POINTS, WAY POINTS.

DOUG BENSON.

>> ISN'T YOUR OFFICIAL NAME

"CDC: CENTER FOR DISEASE

CATCHING?"

>> Chris: YES, POINTS.

GREG.

>> THAT'S A BABY RUTH, RIGHT?

>> Chris: POINTS, AND A GOOD

"CADDYSHACK" REFERENCE.

DOUG BENSON.

>> HAVE YOU EVER TRIED

GROTTO-EROTIC ASPHYXIATION?

>> Chris: POINTS.

GREG BEHRENT.

>> DEAR GROTTO: DOES ANYONE

JUST SWIM LAPS?

>> Chris: POINTS.

ESTHER.

>> WHO CAN DOUG BENSON TALK TO

ABOUT GETTING WEED?

>> Chris: POINTS!

I WILL GIVE YOU POINTS.

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