Tuesday, April 8, 2014

  • Season 1, Ep 01048
  • 04/08/2014

Greg Behrendt, Esther Povitsky and Doug Benson list #RejectedIceCream, watch dating videos from the 80s and conduct a Reddit AMA with the Playboy grotto.

>> RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES IT IS RAPID REFRESH.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> BREAKING NEWS, TWITTER

STARTED TO ROLL OUT THE LATESTREDESIGN AND IT HAS GONE FROM

TROPICAL DEPRESSION TO CATEGORY5 TWIT STORM 2014.

>> THE INTERNET IS PISSEDBECAUSE NOTHING MAKES SOCIAL

MEDIA USERS YELL JIHAD LIKE ASLIGHT CHANGE TO A FREE SERVICE,

EVEN IF IT IS AN IMPROVEMENT.

SO LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT WHAT THETWITTER GODS HAVE WROUGHT BY

THIS TWITSTORM 2014!

[ APPLAUSE ] ALL RIGHT.

GOING OVER HERE TO THE BOARD THEFIRST THING YOU WILL NOTICE IS

THAT A HIGH PRESSURE SYSTEMEXPANDED THE PERSONALIZED HEADER

GRAPHIC IN THE NORTHERN REGIONOF YOUR BROWSER WHICH IS

AESTHETICALLY PLEASING BUT NERDSHATE CHANGE!

>> AN INFORMATION FRONT HASADDED A NEW PHOTO VIDEO COUNTER

RIGHT HERE, WHICH THIS REPORTERSAYS HOW DARE YOU, TWISTERS

BECAUSE WHAT IS WORST THANYOUTHFUL DATA! GUSTY WINDS HAVE

MOVED AT 100 PIXELS A SECOND ANDBLOWN THIS IN TREND SECONDS ALL

ACROSS THE TWITTER SPACE INTO AFAR MORE EASY TO READ AND

THEREFORE INFURIATING FORMAT.

TWITTER'S OWN RECOMMENDATIONENGINES HAVE RECOMMEND WE

FOLLOW LOCUST, CATTLE ANDSKIN DISEASE.

HERE IS A REMOTE CAMERA FROMOUTSIDE OF TWITTER'S

HEADQUARTERS AS WE SPEAK. THISIS A LIVE FEED.

>> NO, NOT THE TWITTER CAM NO,NOT THE TWITTER! NO, NO!

APPLAUSE ]>> THAT IS YOUR FIVE DAY WEATHER

FORECAST I AM CHRIS HARDWICK ANDI WILL SEE YOU ALL IN HELL FOR

TWITSTORM 2014!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> COMEDIANS, WHICH OF THE

FOLLOWING DISGRUNTLED TWEETSRECEIVED THE MOST RETWEETS.

>> A, THIS TWITTER LOOKS LIKEWHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF THE MOBILE

APP TOOK A (BLEEP).

>> B. THIS NEW TWITTER LOOKSLIKE AIDS IF IT HAD A LOOK.

>> COME ON.

C, TWITTER AND FACEBOOK KEEPYELLING AND GLANCING AT EACH

OTHER. WE WILL MAKE SUCH AN UGLYBABY TOGETHER THEY WHISPER

BEFORE POUNCING.

>> B, COME ON AIDS!

>> THE ONLY TIME IT IS OKAY TOUSE THAT IN THIS CONTEXT.

WHAT IS THE CORRECT ANSWER? ITIS IN FACT C.

>> OH.

BOO!

>> DAMNIT AIDS.

>> CAN I JUST SAY I AGREE WITHTHE TWITTER HATERS BECAUSE I

DON'T WANT PEOPLE TO BE ABLE TOSEE WHO TO FOLLOW BECAUSE

IT'S LIKE ARBY'S OR A PORN STAR.

>> YOU FEEL LIKE YOU ARE THEPERFECT NEXUS BETWEEN ARBY'S AND

PORN STAR?

>> TINY BEEF AND CHEDDAR!

>> TODAY IS A PROUD DAY FOR NASAAND A GREAT DAY TO BE AN

AMERICAN! WHY? BECAUSE WE JUSTPULLED OFF THE FIRST INSTAGRAM

FROM SPACE! USA!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> NO FILTER, THAT IS ASTRONAUT

ABOARD THE ISS. ONE SMALL PICFOR MAN AND ONE BIG SELFIE FOR

MANKIND.

>> NOW NASA MASTERED THE SELFSPACE SELFIE, WHAT IS NEXT?

>> I AM GOING TO SAY I AMCONFUSED BECAUSE I THOUGHT WE NO

LONGER HAD A MYSPACE PROGRAM.

>> POINTS, POINTS!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> DOUG BENSON.

>> WHAT IS HAPPENING?

>> 100 POINTS FOR DOUG.

>> I GOT ONE, I GOT ONE.

>> YOU WANT TO ANSWER NOW?

>> I GOT ONE.

>> WHAT?

A PIC OF YOUR( BLEEP)FLOATING IN SPACE .

>> YOU ALREADY GAVE ME POINTS.

I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU DO.

>> HE IS RIGHT.

>> IT IS NOW TIME FOR TONIGHT'SHASHTAG WARS.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> ACCORDING TO BEN&JERRY.COM

TODAY'S FREE CONE DAY AT BEN ANDJERRY'S.

>> IN HONOR FOR FREE CONEDAY, TONIGHT'S HASHTAG ISREJECTED

ICE CREAM.

REJECTED ICE -- HOW COULD YOUREJECT ICE CREAM! THIS IS

AMERICA!

>> EXAMPLES OF REJECTED ICECREAMS WOULD BE ROCKY CHODE, YOU

WOULDN'T WANT THAT.

NO!

>> SNOOKYS AND CREAM.

>> A TERRIBLE FLAVOR.

>> WAIT, CHERRY SANDUSKY.

NOT A GOOD ICE CREAM.

>> I AM GOING TO PUT 60-SECONDSON THE CLOCK AND GO.

>> DOUG BENSON.

>> PHIS PHARTS.

>> POINTS.

>> DOUG.

>> (BLEEP) RAISIN.

>> THAT IMAGE YES.

>> I LIKE RAISINS.

>> BANANA SPLIFF.

>> POINTS.

ESTHER.

>> CHERRY SPRINGER.

>> YES.

POINTS.

WELL DONE.

>> DOUG BENSON.

>> GOSSIP CHIP COOKIE DOUG.

>> YES.

>> POINTS.

>> THE ICE CREAM THAT IS SO HIGHIT EATS ITSELF.

>> ESTHER.

>> MINT CHOCOLATE CHENEY.

>> YES POINTS.

>> I WILL GO WITH CORN NUTS.

>> A CAVEAT, IT IS NOT CORN NUTTHE CORN NUT, IT IS THE NUT OF

THE BAND KORN.>> POINTS.

>> DOUG.

PEOPLE DON'T KNOW THIS BUTCHUBBY HUBBY WAS ORIGINALLY

CALLED FAT (BLEEP).

>> VOYEUR CONSIDERATION.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> WELL, THE LATEST TREND

INVOLVING MILLENNIALS OVERSHARING SOCIAL MEDIA IS HERE,

AFTER SEX SELFIES.

>> THEY ARE EXACTLY WHAT THEYSOUND LIKE.

COUPLES POSTING PICTURES ININSTAGRAM, HASHTAG AFTER SEX

WHICH I ASSUME IS THE MOMENTRIGHT AFTER THEY HAVE SEX.

>> THAT IS ALSO A SHOW THAT IWOULD HOST.

AN AFTER SEX SHOW.

>> I AM GOING TO SHOW YOU ANAFTER SEX SELFIE OF A POST-

COITAL COUPLE AND YOU GIVE METHEIR INNER MONOLOGUE.

>> THIS TATTOOED COUPLE JUST DIDIT.

>> ESTHER.

>> NOW WE CAN GO BACK TO BEINGTHE CLASSIEST COUPLE IN TAMPA.

>> YES, POINTS!

>> WE GOT THESE TATS WHILE(BLEEP)ING.

>> OKAY.

THESE TWO, HOW ABOUT THESE TWO?

>> OH!

>> THAT SEEMED TO GO WELL.

>> DOUG.

>> REGRET HAS MANY FACES.

>> POINTS.

POINTS.

>> YEAH.

I WOULD LIKE ARE YOU GOING TOLEAVE THIS IN THERE?

>> I AM A RELATIONSHIP EXPERT.

IT IS OKAY.

>> GREG, SO YOU ARE SAYING HE ISJUST -- HE IS JUST THAT INTOHER?

>> ALL THE WAY.

ALL THE WAY.

>> POINTS, POINTS.

>> ALL RIGHT.

THAT LAST ONE, THIS GUY ISFLYING SOLO HERE.

>> DOUG.

>> LOOK, MOM, NO WIFE!

>> POINTS.

>> ANYONE ELSE?

>> YES, SIR.

ESTHER.

>> 25 YEAR TOGETHER AND WE NEVERFOUGHT ONCE.

>> POINTS.

THE DEIGHTIES.

>> PLAYING AROUND IS THE WORD.

NOW, I DON'T WANT TO SCARE ANYOF YOU KIDS BUT -- OKAY,BUT

BEFORE THE INTERNETITSELF, THE ONLY WAY TO MEET

STRANGERS AND LOVERS WITHOUTREAL WORLD ENCOUNTERERS IS MAKE

ONE OF THE WEIRD DATINGVIDEOTAPES. TAPES!

THANKS TO YOUTUBE THEY ARE BACK.

COMEDIANS I AM GOING TO SHOW YOUAN AGED DATING CLIP AND YOU

GUESS THE TAGLINE. SO THISBACHELOR IS HANDING OUT A ROSE

RIGHT HERE.

>> I AM ASKING FOR -- ARE YOUTHE GUY? ARE YOU THE GODDESS?

>> ARE YOU THE GODDESS?

>> SO COMEDIANS, IS BON JOVIASKING WHETHER OR NOT THE

GODDESS IS A WOMAN, ANY WOMAN,ALL WOMEN, OR THE CREATOR, A

CREATOR, MY CREATOR.

DOUG.

>>>> I THINK AFTER HE MENTIONS

THAT THEY SHOULD ALLOW DANCINGIN THE TOWN --

[ APPLAUSE ]>> HE WANTS TO DELIVER THE KEVIN

BACON.

>> HE CAN SAY ANY WOMEN.

>> LET'S FIND OUT.

MY GUESS IS THE WOMAN, IS AWOMAN, IS ANY WOMAN, IS ALL

WOMEN.

[ APPLAUSE ] .. I AM SO SCAREDONE OF THESE IS GOING TO BE MY

DAD.

>> OKAY.

THIS GUY OFFERING DISCOUNTMUSTACHE RIDES.

>> SO IS THE NEXT LINE, THISLIGHTING IS WHAT I CALL A

DISASTER OR JUST SUGAR AND SPICEAND ALL OF THOSE THINGS THAT ARE

NICE? DOUG.

>> SUGAR AND SPICE AND ALL OFTHOSE THINGS THAT ARE NICE.

LET'S FIND OUT.

>> JUST SUGAR AND SPICE AND ALLOF THOSE THINGS THAT ARE NICE.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> GOOD JOB.

POINTS.

>> DO THOSE LINES WORK IN THEREAL WORLD? OR IN ANY ERA.

>> NO, THEY HAVE NOT WORKED INANY ERA.

>> THAT'S A SPICY VAGINA.

>> REMEMBER THOSE COMMERCIALS?

>> YES.

I REMEMBER THOSE VAGINACOMMERCIALS.

>> I CAN'T BELIEVE I ATE THEWHOLE THING.

WE ARE GOING TO DO AN AMA,LET'S DO AN AMA .

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> ANSWER QUESTIONS FROM

EDITORS.

IN OUR VERSION YOU GET 250POINTS FOR EACH FUNNY QUESTION

YOU ASK.

ALL RIGHT.

IT IS NOW OFFICIALLY HUGHHEFNER'S 87TH BIRTHDAY.

>> WHEN I WAS IN COLLEGE IAPPLIED FOR THE HUGH HEFNER

SCHOLARSHIP.

>> YOU DID?

>> I DIDN'T GET IT THOUGH.

>> WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO DO TO GETTHE HUGH HEFNER SCHOLARSHIP?

>> I CAN'T TELL YOU RIGHT NOW.

>> IN HONOR OF THE BASHING THATWILL HAPPEN AT THE PLAYBOY

MANSION, WE'RE DOING AN AMA.

>> I AM THE PLAYBOY GROTTO, ASKME ANYTHING.

I WILL PUT 60-SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND GO.

>> ESTHER.

>> WHAT IS IT LIKE TO HAVE ASOMEONE WITH A JOB (BLEEP) INYOU.

>> DOUG BENSON.

>> IS IT YOUR OFFICIAL NAME CDC,CENTER FOR DISEASE CATCHING?

>> YES.

POINTS.

>> GREG.

>> THAT IS A BABY RUTH, RIGHT?

>> POINTS.

DOUG BENSON.

>> HAVE YOU EVER TRIED GROTTOEROTICA ASPHYIXATION?

>> POINTS.

GREG BEHRENDT.

>> DEAR GROTTO DOES ANYONE JUSTSWIM LAPS?

>> POINTS.

ESTHER.

>> WHO CAN DOUG BENSON TALK TOABOUT GETTING WEED?

>> POINTS!

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