Gangsta Standoff

  • Season 2, Ep 9
  • 11/21/2012

Two gang rivals get inside each other's heads, and a police officer hones his act.

- [murmuring indistinctly][baby cooing]

- HEY, WATCH WHERE THE [bleep]YOU GOING.

- OH, MY GOSH,I'M SO SORRY.

- OH.

[baby giggles]

I DIDN'T SEE YOU HADA BABY THERE, MAN.

I'M SORRY. I AIN'T TRYINGTO FIGHT NOBODY WITH A BABY.

[baby gurgles]

- YEAH, H-HELL YEAH,YOU WON'T.

- PFFT.

- [clears throat]

- LUCKY MOTHER[bleep].

- OH, YEAH?

WELL, YOU'RE LUCKYI'M CARRYING THIS BABY.

WHAT'S UP WITH THAT?

- LOOK, MAN, YOU NEEDTO MOVE ON, ALL RIGHT?

I ALREADY TOLD YOUI'M NOT GONNA FIGHT YOU.

- HUH.THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT, PUNK.

- PSH.- YOU WANNA GO?

'CAUSE WE CAN GORIGHT NOW, DOG.

WHAT'S GOIN' ON, BROTHER?

- MAN, WHAT THE HELLARE YOU DOING, MAN?

- WHAT, WHAT, WHAT?YOU TR--WHAT, WHAT?

TRYIN' TO BO--I CAN BOB AND WEAVE IT.

- WHAT?- YOU BITCH-ASS,

PUNK-ASS MOTHER[bleep],LET'S GO.

COME ON, MAN.COME ON.

NO, NO, DON'T LOOK AT YOUR BOYS.LOOK AT ME, MAN.

[high-pitched voice]DON'T LOOK AT YOUR B--

OW.

OH, OKAY,YOU THINK YOU HARD.

ALL RIGHT,BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'MA SHOW YOU WHAT TIME IT ISRIGHT NOW.

OKAY? SLAP ME.

I'M JUST--RIGHT?HOW 'BOUT THIS, HUH?

NOW WHAT YOU GONNA DO, HUH?NOW WHAT YOU GONNA DO?

YOU READY?'CAUSE WE CAN DO IT RIGHT NOW.

'CAUSE I COULD TAKE YOU OUT,MAN.

YOU'RE NOTHING--[whack]

OW!

OH! OOF.

[wincing]OKAY.

OH, IT'S ON NOW.

THAT'S--YEP.

YOU DEAD.YOU DEAD.

[dramatic action music]

EXCUSE ME, I NEED THIS.

YEAH.

NECESITO UN BEBE.

- [gasps]- GRACIAS.

LISTEN.[babies crying]

- WHAT THE--

- WHAT NOW, MAN?

WHAT NOW?

LET'S GO.

- YOU KNOW WHAT?

IT'S NOT EVEN WORTH IT, MAN.

- AHH, HA HA.

THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT!

SO KEEP WALKING!

OH. OKAY, THAT'S VOMIT.

THAT IS VOMIT.[baby burps]

[sirens wailingin the distance]

[ominous music]

[gun cocks]- WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?

WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?CHECK YO'SELF,

BEFORE I BODY PIERCEYOUR DAMN SKULL.

- THINK YOU CAN PULL THATTRIGGER 'FORE I BLOW

YOUR PERSONALITY OUT THE BACKOF YO' HEAD?

THEN GO RIGHT AHEAD AND TESTTHE HYPOTHESIS

AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS.

- A'IGHT, I'MA GIVE YOU

A STRAIGHT-UPVAMPIRE "C"-SECTION,

LIKE WE WAS...

both: EDWARD AND BELLA.

- HOLD UP.

YOU LIKE TWILIGHT?

- YEAH, I LIKE TWILIGHT, [bleep].

YOU LIKE TWILIGHT?

- [bleep], TWILIGHT'S MY JAM.

- YOU A EDWARD [bleep]OR A JACOB [bleep]?

- ANSWER THAT [bleep]TOGETHER.

THREE, TWO, ONE.

both: EDWARD.

- SHI...- SHI...

- ARE YOU [bleep]INGWITH ME?

- ARE YOU [bleep]INGWITH ME?

- YOU EITHER PLAYINGSOME [bleep]ED-UP GAME,

OR YOU ARE STRAIGHT-UPINSIDE MY HEAD.

- YO, AND WHEN YOU SAIDYOU WAS GONNA BLOW

MY PERSONALITYOUT THE BACK OF MY HEAD,

I'M LIKE,

"THAT SOUNDS LIKE SOME [bleep]I WOULD SAY."

- PSH.- AND NOW THIS TWILIGHT [bleep]?

- IT'S WAVELENGTH, [bleep].

- SO I GUESS WE FRIENDS THEN.- OH, WE BEST FRIENDS NOW.

WE THE BEST OF FRIENDS!

- BFFs?- WE ARE BFFs, M.F.

[happy music]

- [laughing]- NO, YOU DIDN'T!

NO, YOU DIDN'T.- YES, I DID!

- [laughing]THAT IS A CRA--

THAT'S A CRAZY STORY, MAN.

[both laughing]

WHEW, TOO MUCH, BOY.

- [wheezing]

[coughing]

[gasps]

[sad music]

- [chokes]

[gasping]TEAM...

EDWARD.

[siren blips]

- MM, MM, MM.

- WELL, LOOKS LIKEANOTHER GANG-RELATED KILLING.

- [chuckles]

SURPRISE, SUR-MOTHER[bleep]ING-N[bleep]-PRISE.

[chuckles]

[rock music]- ♪ SAVING EARTH FROM SPACE

♪ POWER FALCONS!

- [roars]

[falcon screech]

[growls]

- YELLOW FALCON,WHAT DO YOUR SENSES TELL YA?

- DESTRUCTO ISA KILLING MACHINE.

- [growls]

- HIS ARMOR IS IMPERVIOUSTO OUR BLASTERS.

YOU GOT ANY IDEAS,RED FALCON?

- SURE DO, YELLOW FALCON.

BLUE FALCON, YOU REMEMBEROUR BATTLE AT DANGO BLUFF?

I'LL TAKE THE LEGS,YOU TAKE THE BLASTERS.

- IT WAS BEAVER CREEK,AND I TOOK THE LEGS.

MAKE SURE YOU SHORE UPTHAT FLANK, BLACK FALCON.

- UM, ARE YOU TALKING TO ME?

BECAUSE I'MTHE GREEN FALCON.

- NO TIME FOR THAT,BLACK FALCON.

PURPLE FALCON,ARM MISSILES!

- ROGER THAT.ARMING MISSILES NOW.

[machinery whirring]- UH--

- BATTLE FORMATIONS.WE'RE GOING IN.

- HEY.- ROGER THAT.

- HOLD UP.- COPY THAT.

- ROGER.- MY FALCON IS GREEN.

- HEY, HEY, HEY.WE CAN TALK ABOUT

OUR FALCON COLORS WHEN WE GETBACK TO BASE, BLACK FALCON.

RIGHT NOW,WE GOT A MISSION TO DO.

FALL INTO FALCON FORMATION.

[screaming, explosion]

- WELL, NOW, HERE'S THE ISSUEIS THAT, YOU'RE GONNA

GIVE ME AN ORDER, I'M NOT GONNAKNOW YOU'RE TALKING TO ME.

'CAUSE...I'M NOTIN A BLACK FALCON.

- COME ON, CHILL IT OUT,BLACK FALCON.

- YEAH, BLACK FALCON,RELAX.

- FIRST OF ALL,I DON'T LIKE THE WAY

YOU GUYS ARE SAYING "BLACK."

SECOND OF ALL,THERE IS NO BLACK FALCON!

I'M GREEN FALCON!

- BLACK FALCON, HOMIE,

NO ONE'S TRYING TO GET UPIN YOUR GRILL HERE.

- UH-UH, UH-UH, UH-UH.DON'T TALK TO ME LIKE THAT.

NO, DON'T SAY "GRILL"LIKE THAT.

I'M THE GREEN FALCON,AND I--

- OH, STOP BEINGSO BLACK FALCON ABOUT IT.

- WHAT THE [bleep]DO YOU MEAN BY THAT?

- BLACK FALCON, BROTHER,

I UNDERSTANDWHAT YOU'RE GOING THROUGH.

- DO YOU?NO, I DON'T THINK YOU DO.

HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IFI CALLED YOU RED FALCON, HUH?

- WHOA!

- AND PURPLE FALCON,

HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF I CALLEDYOU YELL FALCON, HUH?

- THAT'S RACIST.- THAT WAS RACIST.

- YEAH, THAT'S RACIST.- OOH, THAT IS RACIST.

- THAT'S RACIST?OH, SEE, OKAY, NOPE, FORGET IT.

BLACK FALCON OUT--GREEN FALCON!

[whoosh]GREEN FALCON! DAMN IT!

- HEY! WHY'D THAT GREEN FALCONFALL OUT OF FALCON FORMATION?

BLACK FALCON,GET ON THAT AND REPORT BACK.

BLACK FALCON?BLACK FALCON, COME IN.

[rock music]- ♪ SAVING EARTH FROM SPACE

♪ POWER FALCONS!

- YO, MAN, YOU OKAY IN HERE?

EVERYONE ON THE OUTSIDEKNOW YOU DIDN'T TALK.

WE GOT MAD RESPECTFOR YOU, DOG.

ALL RIGHT?MAD RESPECT.

- YES.

AND I AM STILL HAPPYWITH THAT DECISION.

- THE FIRST TIMEI WAS IN LOCKUP,

DOG, I WAS SCARED[bleep]LESS, MAN.

- SCARED [bleep]LESS, YES.THAT IS AN...

ACCURATE WAYTO DESCRIBE IT.

- YEAH, MAN, BUT, YOU KNOW,

IT WASN'T TOO LONG BEFOREI MADE THIS PLACE MY BITCH.

- OH, EH, THERE'S PLENTYOF THAT GOING ON.

- YO, I RAN THIS PLACE, MAN.

COME ON, MAN, YOU MUST BERUNNING THIS [bleep].

- [laughs] WELL, I AM DOINGQUITE A BIT OF RUNNING.

- MAN, YOU KNOW THERE'S ACERTAIN PECKING ORDER IN PRISON.

YOU KNOW, YOU GOTTHE BROTHERS ON THE TOP,

AND YOU GOT THE BROTHERSON THE BOTTOM.

YOU UNDERSTAND.

- YES, I UNDERSTAND THATVERY CLEARLY

AND VERY FREQUENTLY.

- THAT'S MY DOG.NOW...

THE REASON I CAME, THOUGH,IS WE GOT KIND OF A PROBLEM.

YOU KNOW A CRAZY BROTHER IN HEREGO BY THE NAME OF "SEVEN INCH"?

- YES.I DEFINITELY KNOW SEVEN INCH.

- ALL RIGHT,WELL SEVEN INCH RUN

WITH THE WILLIS BROTHERS,ALL RIGHT?

AND HE KNOWSSOME [bleep] THAT--

WELL LET'S JUST SAY WE CAN'THAVE THIS GUY NAMING NAMES.

ALL RIGHT?

WE THOUGHT SINCE YOUON THE INSIDE,

YOU COULD TAKE CARE OF IT.

YOU KNOW WHATI'M TALKING ABOUT?

- YOU WANT METO TAKE CARE OF SEVEN INCH?

- YEAH, YOU KNOW,JUST TAKE HIM OUT THE EQUATION.

THE PROBLEMIS GETTING TIME WITH HIM.

- OH, I CAN GET TIMEWITH HIM.

OH, YES, I DO BELIEVEI WILL MOST LIKELY

BE SEEING HIM THIS EVENING.

- THAT'S AWESOME.

ALL RIGHT, BUT YOU--YOU GOTTA GET HIM ALONE, THOUGH.

- OHHH...THAT WON'T BE A PROBLEM.

- OKAY, WELL, UH,WHAT'S YOUR PLAN, MAN?

HOW YOU GONNA DO IT?

- WHAT DO YOU SAYI BITE HIS [bleep] OFF?

- EXCUSE ME?

- JUST BRING MY TEETH DOWN HARDON HIS [bleep].

- DOG, HOW YOU--HOW YOU GONNA GET THAT CLOSE?

- JUST...WAY AHEAD OF YOUON THAT ONE.

- [laughs]

OH, MAN.YOU BAD, MAN.

THAT'S--THAT'S SOMEHARD [bleep], DOG.

THIS PLACEHAS CHANGED YOU, MAN.

- YOU HAVE NO IDEA.

[exhales sharply]

[indistinct radio chatter]

[tapping on glass]

- WAS I SPEEDING, OFFICER?

- YOU DON'T LOOK LIKEYOU'RE FROM AROUND HERE.

- NO, SIR.

- YOU BEEN DOINGANY DRUGS TONIGHT?

- NO, SIR.

- NOPE?- NO.

- WHY DON'T YOUPOP THAT TRUNK,

STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLEFOR ME, PLEASE.

- REALLY?- YEAH.

[trunk pops]

- [sighs][seatbelt clicks]

- NO DRUGS, HUH?

- NOPE.[indistinct radio chatter]

- WELL, WELL, WELL.

[trunk closes]WHAT HAVE WE HERE?

- NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.YOU PLANTED THAT IN MY CAR.

- OH, DID I?

OR...DID I PLANT THIS?

- UH--I REAL--I GUESS--

- UP AGAINST THE CAR,RIGHT NOW.

- OH!- SPREAD 'EM!

- UH--- HUH, WHAT'S GOING--

WHOA, WHOA.WHAT DO WE HAVE HERE, HUH?

- WHAT?- THESE YOUR COLORS, HOMIE?

- THAT'S--THAT'S NOT MINE.- HUH?

- NO, I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT--- WHAT? NO?

OR ARE THESE YOUR COLORS?

OR PERHAPS THESEARE YOUR COLORS.

OR ARE THESE--?LOOK AT ALL THESE COLORS.

MAN, YOU SURE GOTA LOT OF COLORS.

- I DON'T--- LOOK AT ALL OF THESE COLORS.

- WHAT, THIS IS--

- WASAH!

- ARE YOU A REAL COP?- FREEZE!

WHAT IS THAT?- WHAT--

- MM.

WELL, WELL, WELL.

IT LOOKS LIKEAN ILLEGAL FIREARM.

OR...

IS IT? AHH.[dove cooing]

- OH.

I'M--I DON'T--I DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS IS.

I'M SORRY.- PICK A CARD.

- THAT'S NOT EVEN A GOOD FAN.

- ANY CARD.YOU CAN JUST STICK--THERE.

OKAY, YOU TOOK THAT CARD?- YEAH.

- NOW, CAN YOUREMEMBER THAT CARD?

- YES.

- CAN YOU COMMIT THAT CARDTO MEMORY?

- THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE.- HAVE YOU DONE SO?

HAVE YOU DONE SO?- YES.

- PLEASE INSERT THE CARD BACKINTO THE DECK RANDOMLY.

- DONE.

- IT'S IN A DIFFERENT PLACE THANWHERE YOU TOOK IT ORIGINALLY?

- THERE.- THERE WE ARE. THERE WE ARE.

- THIS IS RIDICULOUS.- NOW, I TAKE THE DECK LIKE SO.

I GIVE IT A "SKASLOISLES"AND "ABRACASLOISH."

[gunshot]- UH, FU--WHA--

- OKAY...

AHH.IS THIS YOUR CARD?

- NO!- ARE YOU SURE?

- I WANT YOUR BADGE NUMBER.

[coughing]

- OH. OH. OH!

- [coughing]

UH--UH--WHA--WHAT DID--

OH!- HAAH.

- HOW DID--

IT'S MY CA--HOW DID YOU DO THAT?

- AHH.

AND...

THAT IS FOR YOU.

- AFTER ALL THAT,YOU'RE STILL GIVING ME A TICKET?

- IS IT A TICKET?

OR IS IT A TWO-FOR-ONE COUPONFOR MY SHOW

AT THE MAGIC HOUSETHURSDAY NIGHT AT 11:00 P.M.?

YOUR CALL.

- I'LL TAKE THE TICKET.

- GREAT. OKAY.

- HONEY, SOMEONE'S HERE.- OH.

OH, HEY [farts],GOOD TO SEE YOU.

- THANKS FOR HAVING US,[farts].

THIS IS MY GIRLFRIEND,[farts].

- WE'RE SO HAPPYYOU COULD JOIN US.

- AND THIS IS MY WIFE,[farts].

- SO THIS IS THE INFAMOUS[farts] AND [farts].

[farts] HAS TOLD MESO MUCH ABOUT YOU BOTH.

- [laughs]ALL GOOD THINGS I HOPE.

[laughter]YOU CAN NEVER TRUST [farts].

- HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.[laughter]

- AND PLEASE, PLEASE,DON'T CALL ME [farts].

IT MAKES ME THINKMY MOTHER'S AROUND SOMEPLACE.

- OH.

- HEY, YOU KNOW, WHERE ISLITTLE [squeaking fart]?

- OH, SHE'S AT [farts]'S HOUSEFOR A SLUMBER PARTY.

- AH.- OH, UM, [farts] AND [farts],

THIS IS THE COUPLEFROM NEW YORK

THAT WE WANTED YOU GUYSTO MEET.

UH, THIS IS [farts]AND HER HUSBAND [honking fart].

- THEY'RE GONNA BE IN NEW YORKFOR A FEW WEEKS,

SO WE WERE HOPING YOU COULDGIVE THEM SOME TIPS.

- OOH.- SURE.

- OH, THAT'D BE GREAT.

SO, HOW DO YOU KNOW[farts] AND [farts]?

- OH, WELL [farts]AND I WENT TO

[deep, rumbling fart]SCHOOL OF DRAMATIC ARTS,

BACK WHEN [honking fart]WAS WORKING IN MIDTOWN.

- MM.- OH, WHERE DID YOU WORK?

- I WAS AT [farts], [farts],[farts], AND [bellowing fart]

- OH, THE LAW FIRM.

- HEY!- OH, HEY.

- HA!- HOW ARE YOU?

IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE YOU.- GOOD TO SEE YOU.

- COME HERE.HEY, EVERYBODY,

THIS IS[high-pitched fart].

I WANT YOU MEETONE OF MY DEAREST,

OLDEST FRIENDS, [farts].

THIS IS HIS GIRLFRIEND,[farts].

- HI.- HEY.

- HELLO.- OF COURSE, YOU KNOW [farts].

- OH, HI.- THIS IS [farts],

AND THIS IS HER HUSBAND,[honking fart].

- HI.- WHAT A BEAUTIFUL NAME.

YOU KNOW, I KNEWA [high-pitched fart]

IN GRAD SCHOOL.

all: OH.

- WELL THANK YOU,BUT IT'S ACTUALLY PRONOUNCED

[high-pitched fart].

- WOW, I SWEAR THAT SOUNDS LIKEWHAT YOU WERE SAYING.

- I THOUGHT THAT'S WHATI WAS SAYING.

- I DON'T KNOW.

- ANYWAYS, IT'S LOVELYTO MEET YOU ALL.

- YEAH, YEAH, OKAY, YES.[laughter]

- ROBERT.

I'M SO SORRY.

HEINRICH.

I'LL...

SHOW MYSELF TO THE RESTROOM.

- [sighs]- WOW, UH--

- JEEZ.- SO RUDE.

- WELL, FOR [farts]'S SAKE.- YEAH.