mean, unless you make themfor yourself in a flower pot.
Um, I'll just have the one.
Um, but uh, you know, if youreally want to get your money's
worth on the drinks, whatyou do is give blood.
Have you ever done this?
One beer will kick your butt.
Um, and exce-- the problemis that they make you
wait a couple of weeks beforethey let you come back in,
and give blood again.
So, you just saywell, screw them,
I'll take out my own blood.
Uh, but uh, let metell you something,
it's not as easy as it looks.
Um, I'm sure anybody can getthe flow of blood started,
but it's the whole operat-- evenonce you get the hang of it,
it can still be a little tricky.
And I mean-- I'll tell you,for example, never, ever
start having thebeer before you're
finished draining the blood.
Uh, you know, you're drinkingthe beer, got a little logy,
I lost track-- almostdrained all the whole kitchen
bag full of my own blood,bef-- before I realized,
you know, I didn'teven notice till I
tried to get up forthat second beer.
Um, and then I'm trying tosqueeze it back in, you know,
and then-- andthat's like trying
to put toothpasteback in the tube.
But actually, you definitely dowant to keep some fresh blood
around for in the morning,in case you're hung over.
You put the-- it's like uh,Keith Richards' home game.
Um, but uh, anyway,now I know we're
going to get a lot of letters,people writing in about telling
everybody to draintheir own blood.
Well, let me-- it's-- letme just say one thing,
it's a joke!
Don't go running out, getting abasketball needle and a rubber
hose, and trying todrain off your own blood.
That stupid, you know,you'll kill yourself, or hurt
yourself, or it'llbe embarrassing
or make a big mess.
And your parents willbe reminding you of it
for the rest yourlife, that's for sure.
You know those things where,remember the time you tried
to drain off your ownblood, 'cause Jake
told you to do iton Comedy Central?
Thank you very much. (LAUGHS)I grew up in Los Angeles,
mostly in the valley.
Which means that in myhouse, besides English,
we speak two other languages.
My father speaksSpanish, you know,
with the occasional Englishreference, just for fun.
Jacqueline, [spanish spoken]Hostess Ding Dongs.
[spanish spoken] JELL-OPudding Snack Pack.
[spanish spoken] originalflavor Kaopectate.
And my brother, who'syounger than I am,
learned to speak Spanishfirst, and then learned
to speak English in the valley.
Everything he says soundslike he's asking a question.
Jackie, I got my haircut today?
It's as if you learned to speakEnglish watching "Jeopardy."
Everything takes theform of a question.
I have a new girlfriend,her name is Nutania,
but we call her Twetty?
[sings jeopordy theme]
I'll take things about thingsabout your personal life
I couldn't careless about for $200.
So, I'm proud to say thatI'm a college graduate.
I'm actually the first personfrom my family to graduate
from college inthe United States.
I went to Yale, where I was inthe Chicana's Studies Program.
Pretty much, I was the program.
You know, I showed up forclass, and my professor told me
that if I was willing toanswer a few questions
for my fellow studentson Mexican culture
that I could get extra credit.
So I'm thinking, cool, right?
I can get extra credit,I'll answer some questions,
this will be great.
First woman gets up,she's like, (HIGH
PITCHED) Um, ha-ha, ha-ha, OK.
Um, I have a question.
Last night, some friendsand I went to Taco Bell.
We got a 6-pack of tacos,two burrito supremes,
and some cinnamoncrispers for $4.99.
My question is, how is itthat the Mexican people are
able to export theirfood so cheaply?
Then her friend, who'ssitting next to her
with a big bow in her hair,and a string of pearls.
She's like, (HIGH PITCHED) OK,um, you are Mexican, correct?
If so, why don'tyou look Mexican?
Like, oh, I'm sorry, I leftmy leaf blower in the dorm.
And my father, you know,my father-- god bless him,
he's very proud of me-- myfather told everyone he's ever
known for five minutesthat I was going to Yale.
Except that my father,who's been in this country
for well over 20years, has never
quite mastered the word "Yale."
My father says, "jail."
So for the entire firstsemester that I'm at school,
I'm getting carepackages, you know,
candy, cigarettes,"Hustler Magazine."
By the end of myfirst semester, I'd
just become a big ass,chain-smoking dyke.
A lot of people said tome, you know, hey man,
before I met you, I didn'treally know any Mexicans.
Uh, except Jose Cuervo, woo!
My name is Jackie Guerra,you guys have been great.
about New York City?
It teaches you tobe your own person,
not to be the victim of fashion.
Now, here's what I mean-- 3o'clock in the afternoon today,
There's a guy standing infront of a fire hydrant, which
he's opened just a little bit.
He's naked from the waistdown, and in the spray
from the hydrant,he's shaving off
his pubic hair witha disposable razor.
Nobody is even lookingtwice at this guy.
And I'm thinkin',after seeing this,
can I really worry aboutwearing white after Labor Day?
Another weird thing I saw,a bunch of rich white kids
wearing the Malcolm caps.
Yeah, and then theyexplained it was actually
Malcolm Forbes theywere celebrating, so.
Oh, you're crazy.
It's uh-- I love TV.
You know, TV saved mylife when I was a kid,
because in my house therewas so much hostility,
and I realized in televisionthat it wasn't normal.
Because I never heard Mrs.Brady refer to her children as,
you spiteful bastardswho ruined my life.
I feel so old.
You know, it's funny.
I uh-- I'm messing up thenames of movie titles,
and that's the first signof aging in my family.
I-- in the video store I said Iwant to rent "Regarding Ernie."
And, you know, like, assoon as my mother hit 60,
can't get an actor's nameor a movie title right.
She calls me up theother night, you know,
your Aunt Lucilleand I went out,
we rented a couple of videos.
The uh, "Fakel Instincts,"you know that picture
with uh, Marvin Douglasand Sharon Slut,
you know the oneI'm talking about?
And then we-- we rented anothervideo too, "The Committed,"
about a group of Irishkids in an insane
asylum because theythink they're black.
They spend the whole picturesinging the songs of Marvin Gay
and Urethra Franklin, whatthe hell is all that about?
Another sign of aging, Itried to buy sneakers today.
The kid says, we don'tsell sneakers, sir,
we sell running shoes.
They're so technologicallyadvanced you
can't call them sneakers.
I said, no, no, they are sohideously overpriced to justify
it, you call the running shoes.
I don't care if they've got airin the heel, gel in the heel,
or Jimmy Hoffa in theheel, do you understand me?
Until they jog out ofthe store by themselves,
Running shoes are any shoesyou wear on a subway platform
when a group of kids chase ya.
Now show me a 9 1/2.
So, I hope the uh--I'll tell you the truth,
I'm glad that theClinton's run, I
hope they pass thesexual harassment laws.
Because I hate the thought ofmy girlfriend being harassed
at work, you know,think about it, really.
It's like, a friend said to minesaid to me, hey, if they pass
those laws, men will beafraid to flirt at the office.
Well, when is that partof the job requirement?
I-- no, really, Imean-- no, I-- no.
No, seriously, if flirtingat work is so important,
let men flirt with eachother, think about it.
Uh, Gus, the other day Isaw you by the fax machine.
You have a really pretty mouth.
No, I mean, if you're like some,you know, sexual desperado,
and you can't get laidwithout the use of duress,
go to a prostitute.
I mean, you know, I said this tosomeone, says to me, well hey,
I shouldn't have to pay for it.
Well-- well, no.
And neither should thewomen who work for you.
Thanks a lot, good night.
The beginning part of theyear was pretty intense, man,
with the trial outin LA, everybody
was waiting for riots.
I'm glad we didn'thave any riots man.
I out in LA duringthe last riots.
I didn't get anything,but I was out there,
you know what I mean.
I couldn't understandit man, brothers
were running aroundburning up their own stuff
like it was all right-- justburn their own stuff up.
(HIGH VOICE) Yo, Charlie,what we gonna do, man?
(LOW VOICE) Man, let'sburn the house down.
[pull pin effect]
Hey, yo Charlie, wherewe going to sleep?
George Bush went out toLA after the riots, folks.
Huh, to do what?
Nothing, he said it.
(W. BUSH IMPERSONATION) I didn'tcome out here to implement
the blue plan for thereconstruction of South Central
Out here with my wife, Barb,we tried to get a television,
she couldn't carry it,so we left it behind.
My wife Barbara issuffering from glaucoma.
Heh, glaucoma,folks, eye disease.
And you know she was gettingthe best stuff in the country.
Straight from Jamaica,Federal Express.
[knock effect](JAMAICAN ACCENT) Oh,
special delivery for Mrs. Bush.
Ease and all.
Ease up stuff, ya know.
Now, I have a packagehere for Mrs. Bush.
Look, if you don't take the damnthing, I'll smoke it myself,
it don't matter, ya know.
See George walk out. (W. BUSHIMPRESSION) Uh, Dave, that guy
there is fine, heworks for my wife.
Dexter, you might wantto go roll her one,
she's in the Rose Garden,knocking stuff over.
That's the only reason whyI voted for Bill Clinton,
because the man smoked a joint.
Then spoke to us, youknow, like we were idiots,
you know. (CLINTONIMPERSONATION)
Well, I experimented withmarijuana, I took a toke,
but I didn't inhale.
No, see, it was thatgood you forgot,
see, that's what it was.
Man, old man's inthe White House now,
so you know he's still smoking.
Walking around the house,feeling good about himself.
(CLINTON IMPERSONATION) Oh,lord, I can't believe it.
Done went and wonthe whole thing,
got the highestposition in the country.
I think I'm going tosmoke me a fat one.
Hilary, get the munchies.
Uh, Chelsea, take your funnylooking ass somewhere please.
Heh, heh, heh, hey.
they put marijuana in thecategory of, like, hard drugs.
Like, we could all sit here,right, smoke 10 joints,
and the most we'll beis, nuh-huh uh huh.
Give us ten drinks, andwe're like, no, no, no!
I know, eh.
I remember the first timeI smoked a joint, man.
Smoked a joint, and my bestfriend named Dylan walked up
to me after school one day, he'slike, (STONER VOICE) dude man,
check this out, man.
I have, in my possession, someof the most primo smoke, man.
So I was like, all right.
We went up to my house, sat onthe couch, smoked this joint.
About 20 minutes later, we wereabout this big on the couch.
I started crying, man.
What the hell did you give me?
How are we going toget down from here?
(STONER VOICE) Dude, man, relax.
There is a piece of stringhere we can climb down.