Guerra, Blumberg, Barnes

  • Season 2, Ep 14
  • 05/25/1993

Guerra, Blumberg, Barnes

mean, unless you make themfor yourself in a flower pot.

Um, I'll just have the one.

Um, but uh, you know, if youreally want to get your money's

worth on the drinks, whatyou do is give blood.

Have you ever done this?

One beer will kick your butt.

Um, and exce-- the problemis that they make you

wait a couple of weeks beforethey let you come back in,

and give blood again.

So, you just saywell, screw them,

I'll take out my own blood.

Uh, but uh, let metell you something,

it's not as easy as it looks.

Um, I'm sure anybody can getthe flow of blood started,

but it's the whole operat-- evenonce you get the hang of it,

it can still be a little tricky.

And I mean-- I'll tell you,for example, never, ever

start having thebeer before you're

finished draining the blood.

Uh, you know, you're drinkingthe beer, got a little logy,

I lost track-- almostdrained all the whole kitchen

bag full of my own blood,bef-- before I realized,

you know, I didn'teven notice till I

tried to get up forthat second beer.

Oh boy.

Um, and then I'm trying tosqueeze it back in, you know,

and then-- andthat's like trying

to put toothpasteback in the tube.

But actually, you definitely dowant to keep some fresh blood

around for in the morning,in case you're hung over.

You put the-- it's like uh,Keith Richards' home game.

Um, but uh, anyway,now I know we're

going to get a lot of letters,people writing in about telling

everybody to draintheir own blood.

Well, let me-- it's-- letme just say one thing,

it's a joke!

Don't go running out, getting abasketball needle and a rubber

hose, and trying todrain off your own blood.

That stupid, you know,you'll kill yourself, or hurt

yourself, or it'llbe embarrassing

or make a big mess.

And your parents willbe reminding you of it

for the rest yourlife, that's for sure.

You know those things where,remember the time you tried

to drain off your ownblood, 'cause Jake

told you to do iton Comedy Central?

The beginning part of theyear was pretty intense, man,

with the trial outin LA, everybody

was waiting for riots.

I'm glad we didn'thave any riots man.

I out in LA duringthe last riots.

I didn't get anything,but I was out there,

you know what I mean.

I couldn't understandit man, brothers

were running aroundburning up their own stuff

like it was all right-- justburn their own stuff up.

(HIGH VOICE) Yo, Charlie,what we gonna do, man?

(LOW VOICE) Man, let'sburn the house down.


[pull pin effect]

[throwing effect]

[explosion effect]



Hey, yo Charlie, wherewe going to sleep?

Former President.

George Bush went out toLA after the riots, folks.

Huh, to do what?

Nothing, he said it.

(W. BUSH IMPERSONATION) I didn'tcome out here to implement

the blue plan for thereconstruction of South Central


Out here with my wife, Barb,we tried to get a television,

she couldn't carry it,so we left it behind.

My wife Barbara issuffering from glaucoma.

Heh, glaucoma,folks, eye disease.



Mrs. Bush?


And you know she was gettingthe best stuff in the country.

Straight from Jamaica,Federal Express.

[knock effect](JAMAICAN ACCENT) Oh,

special delivery for Mrs. Bush.

Ease and all.

Ease up stuff, ya know.

Now, I have a packagehere for Mrs. Bush.

Look, if you don't take the damnthing, I'll smoke it myself,

it don't matter, ya know.

See George walk out. (W. BUSHIMPRESSION) Uh, Dave, that guy

there is fine, heworks for my wife.

Dexter, you might wantto go roll her one,

she's in the Rose Garden,knocking stuff over.

That's the only reason whyI voted for Bill Clinton,

because the man smoked a joint.


Then spoke to us, youknow, like we were idiots,


Well, I experimented withmarijuana, I took a toke,

but I didn't inhale.

No, see, it was thatgood you forgot,

see, that's what it was.

Man, old man's inthe White House now,

so you know he's still smoking.


Walking around the house,feeling good about himself.

(CLINTON IMPERSONATION) Oh,lord, I can't believe it.

Done went and wonthe whole thing,

got the highestposition in the country.

I think I'm going tosmoke me a fat one.

Hilary, get the munchies.

Uh, Chelsea, take your funnylooking ass somewhere please.

Heh, heh, heh, hey.

they put marijuana in thecategory of, like, hard drugs.

Like, we could all sit here,right, smoke 10 joints,

and the most we'll beis, nuh-huh uh huh.

Give us ten drinks, andwe're like, no, no, no!

I know, eh.


I remember the first timeI smoked a joint, man.

Smoked a joint, and my bestfriend named Dylan walked up

to me after school one day, he'slike, (STONER VOICE) dude man,

check this out, man.

I have, in my possession, someof the most primo smoke, man.

So I was like, all right.

We went up to my house, sat onthe couch, smoked this joint.

About 20 minutes later, we wereabout this big on the couch.

I started crying, man.

What the hell did you give me?

How are we going toget down from here?

(STONER VOICE) Dude, man, relax.

There is a piece of stringhere we can climb down.