Margaret Smith & Rick Corso

  • 02/24/1992

( whooping )

HI, I BET YOU'D LIKE TO HAVETHINNER THIGHS, TOO

JUST LIKE ME.

WELL, NOW WITH MYINCREDIBLE THIGHMASTER

YOU CAN JOIN THE CLUB.

HI!

SUZANNE... I LOVE SUZANNE.

YOU KNOW, SHE NEVER LOSESHER GIRLISH EDGE.

( laughter )

I DON'T THINK SHE TRIES, BUT...

EVEN IF SHE TRIED,SHE STILL WOULDN'T LOSE IT.

DO YOU LIKE HER POETRY?

BECAUSE I'VE READ HERENTIRE OEUVRE COMPLET

OF POETRY THAT IS SO RIVETINGAND SO MOVING AND SO PERSONAL...

I REALLY LIKE SUZANNE BECAUSESHE'S EXACTLY WHO SHE IS.

SHE DOESN'T TRYTO ELEVATE HERSELF

TO SOME, LIKE, RIDICULOUS,PRETENTIOUS INTELLECTUALITY.

AND THEN SHE EXPOSEDHER WHOLE FAMILY

LIKE EVERYBODY IS DOING NOW.

IT'S LIKE... WHAT...

OF COURSE EVERYBODY'S FAMILYIS DYSFUNCTIONAL.

WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO--

JUST HATE OUR PARENTSFOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES?

NO, SOMEBODY WANTED METO GO TO, UM...

NOT A.A.,BUT THE SISTER, LIKE...

YEAH, AL-ANON, WHEN YOU AREINVOLVED IN RELATIONSHIPS...

NO, ADULT CHILDRENOF ALCOHOLIC...

WHATEVER...I CAN'T KEEP UP WITH IT.

THERE'S TOO MANY INITIALS THERE,IT'S LIKE A WHOLE...

INITIAL BRACELETS OR SOMETHING.

NO, THIS WOMAN WANTED ME TO GO

BECAUSE I KEEP GETTINGINVOLVED WITH PEOPLE

WHO ARE SUPPOSEDLY SONSOF ALCOHOLICS, DAUGHTERS...

I DON'T KNOW, WHAT THE HELL,THEY'RE ALL THE SAME.

I SWING, SO YOU NEVER KNOW.

( laughter )

( cheering )

BUT I'M SCARED TO GOTO THOSE MEETINGS

BECAUSE I THINK THEY PUT LIKEA HEX ON YOU OR SOMETHING.

THEY'RE FREAKY.

THIS BROAD HAS BEEN TAKINGCOPIOUS NOTES ALL NIGHT.

JUST TELL ME WHATYOU'RE WRITING FOR.

LOS ANGELES TIMESSYNDICATE.

OH, YOU'RE SCARING ME.

NO, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT...LOS ANGELES TIMES SYNDICATE.

( laughter and applause )

"HELLO, GOOD EVENING.

"I HAVE A MOLE ON MY UPPER LIP

AND I'M WRITING FOR THELOS ANGELES TIMES SYNDICATE."

NO, YOU'RE FABULOUS,YOU'RE VERY CHIC

AND I LOVE THAT YOU'RE WRITING.

( laughter )

I HOPE FOR ONCEIT'S SOMETHING NICE

BECAUSE I AM BUSTINGMY BUTT UP HERE

BUT THEY'LL NEVER MENTION THAT.

"SHE WAS CRASS, RUDEAND DISGUSTING."

ANY ACTRESSES I SHOULD KNOWABOUT IN YOUR LITTLE SCOTCH...

LET ME SEE THAT.

IT'S A FABULOUS LITTLECHIC BOOK.

"HI, I'M RUNNINGOUT OF THE HOUSE."

( laughter )

"AND I'M LATE!"

OH, LOOK HERE-- CENTURY STUDIOS,MANDY ROGERS, WEX LEX.

BEXEL, BAMPRO... YOU HAVESOME WEIRD PEOPLE IN HERE.

"AGENT, I WORSHIP THE PEOPLEHE STEPS ON."

"SELF-LOVE."

WHAT MEETINGS HAVE YOUBEEN GOING TO?

"SHOWS FOR THE FUTURE...CUTTING EDGE."

WHO IS REALLY COOL?

JUAN?

( laughter )

OR "JUAN SOMETHINGIS REALLY COOL.

"GIVES ME SPACE, PRAISE,RESPECT.

"HE JUST LEFT ON HIS PERSONALCROSS-COUNTRY JOURNEY.

"TIA HERE--

A MIX OF MAN AND CLICHE."

I CAN'T...

( laughter )

THAT'S BRILLIANT, THOUGH...THAT'S COOL.

IS THAT SOMETHING YOU WROTE?

YEAH.

GOD, THAT'S GREAT.

NO, SERIOUSLY, IT WAS RIVETING.

JUST TYPE IT INTO A COMPUTERAND LET ME READ IT.

YOU SOUND LIKE YOU'REIN A PRETTY GOOD MOOD

AND, UH... THAT'SWHAT SETS US APART.

( laughter )

OBVIOUSLY YOUR PARENTSDIDN'T JUST VISIT FOR A WEEK.

ACTUALLY, I JUST BROUGHT THEMBACK TO THE AIRPORT TODAY.

YEAH, THEY LEAVE TOMORROW.

( laughter )

COULDN'T TAKE 'EM ANYMORE.

THEN MY MOM WANTED TO KNOW

WHY I NEVER GET HOMEFOR ANY OF THE HOLIDAYS.

I SAID, "WELL, I CAN'T GET DELTATO WAIT IN THE YARD

WHILE I RUN IN."

( laughter )

LAST TIME I WAS HOME, THOUGH

I GOT TO VISIT WITHTHE NIECES AND NEPHEWS--

YOU KNOW, THE NEW, UP-AND-COMINGGENERATION OF DYSFUNCTIONALS.

YEAH, I DON'T WANTTO SAY THEY'RE SCARY

BUT I SLEPT WITH MY DOOR LOCKED.

YEAH... IT'S WEIRD--WHEN I WAS A LITTLE GIRL

I WANTED TO BE A NURSEOR A VETERINARIAN.

I ASKED MY NIECE JENNIFER:

"WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BEWHEN YOU GROW UP?"

"A HOSTAGE NEGOTIATOR."

"OKAY, RUN ALONG."

( laughter )

SO I WENT TO THE MALL TODAY...TWICE.

ONCE TO GET THE BLOUSE,ONCE TO TAKE IT BACK.

THEY GET SNIPPYWHEN YOU BRING STUFF BACK

LIKE IT'S THEIR STUFF,YOU KNOW?

"SOMETHING WRONGWITH THIS BLOUSE?"

AND I SAID, "NO, I JUST REALIZEDI DIDN'T REALLY LIKE THE BLOUSE

I JUST LIKED THE SONG THATWAS PLAYING WHEN I BOUGHT IT."

( applause )

AND I GO GET THE TAPEAND SAVE A HUNDRED BUCKS.

( laughter )

BUT I'M THINKINGABOUT HAVING A BABY.

YEAH... BECAUSE I ONLY GOTA COUPLE OF DOZEN EGGS LEFT

I GOT TO BE THINKING ABOUT IT.

NOT LIKE I WANT TO BETHINKING ABOUT IT.

THEN I THINK, "WELL, I DON'TACTUALLY WANT TO RAISE A CHILD."

MAYBE I JUST WANT THATCAR POOL LANE, YOU KNOW.

( laughter )

THEN I THINK,YOU DON'T NEED A BABY

TO GET THE CAR POOL LANE--YOU COULD FAKE IT.

PUT ONE OF THOSE LITTLECAR SEATS BACK THERE

THROW A DOLL IN IT,WHO WILL KNOW?

THEN I THINK,"WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO

IF YOU GET PULLED OVER?"

WELL, START CRYING,TELL HIM THE REAL ONE DIED.

( laughter )

"THERAPIST SUGGESTED I WORKTHROUGH IT WITH THE DOLL."

( laughter and applause )

THEN IF THEY GIVE ME A TICKET,THEY'RE GOING TO HELL.

( laughter )

YEAH, WELL, I'M ACTUALLY DATINGA PROFESSIONAL ATHLETE NOW.

HE'S A BOWLER.

( laughter )

INCREDIBLE HUMAN BEING.

HE HAS HIS IDIOSYNCRASIES,THOUGH.

LIKE EVERY TIME HE GETS REALLYNERVOUS, HE GOES LIKE THIS.

( laughter )

GET IT? IT'S THE AIR THING.

( laughter )

FOR THE OPPOSITE REASONMOST PEOPLE ARE THERE.

I'M NOT TRYING TO LOSE ANYTHING.

I'M TRYING TO BUILD A BUTT.

MY WHOLE LIFE WITHOUT A BUTT.

DOESN'T MATTER WHAT I DO

I'M LIKE A COUPLE OF SALTINESBACK THERE.

( laughter )

MY FRIENDS TEASE ME:

"HOW DO YOU STAY ON THE TOILET,YOUR THIGHS?"

( laughter )

I GO ON LIVING.

JUST GO TO THOSE BATHROOMSWITH THE BARS IN THEM.

( laughter )

GREAT FOR UPPER-BODY STRENGTH.

SOME OF THESE GUYS IN THE GYMOVERDEVELOP, THOUGH.

HAVE YOU SEEN THESEMESOMORPH FROGMEN? SEEN THESE?

THEY'RE IN THE MIRRORTHE WHOLE TIME LIKE THIS.

BARREL-OF-MONKEY MEN, YOU KNOW?

YOU JUST WANT TO HOOKTHEIR ARMS TOGETHER

AND LOWER THEM OUT THE WINDOWOF THE GYM, YOU KNOW?

( laughter and applause )

I DON'T KNOW HOW THEY GOTO THE BATHROOM.

THEY CAN'T EVEN GET THEIR HANDSTO THEIR SIDES.

THEY MUST HAVE TO USE PRONGSOR SOMETHING.

( laughter )

THEY SHAKE IT AT THE END--DID YOU KNOW THAT, WOMEN?

IF WOMEN HAD PENISES, WE WOULDNOT SHAKE THEM, WE WOULD DAB.

( laughter )

WE WOULD HAVE LITTLE SQUARESIN OUR PURSES, AND WE WOULD DAB.

( laughter )

AND IF WE RAN OUT,WE WOULD BORROW.

WE'D GO, "YOU DON'T HAVEAN EXTRA SQUARE, DO YOU?"

( laughter )

I NEEDED A BENCH,SO I ASKED THIS GUY

HOW MANY SETS HE HAD LEFT.

HE GOES, "OH, I HAVETHREE MORE, MA'AM."

"MA'AM"... AT THE "MA'AM"STAGE OF MY LIFE.

YOU SHOULDN'T BE CALLED MA'AM

TILL YOU'VE HADYOUR FIRST MAMMOGRAM.

( laughter )

YOU EVER GETONE OF THESE THINGS?

YOU'RE IN ONE ROOM,YOUR BREAST IS IN THE OTHER?

( laughter )

THEY TAKE IT HOSTAGE, PUT IT INA VISE, START CRANKING IT SHUT

LIKE YOU HAVE THE SECRETROCKET FORMULA.

YOU DON'T THINK IT'SEVER GOING TO GET BACK

INTO ITS NATURAL SHAPE AGAIN.

YOU'RE GOING TO BE ROLLING IT UPTO GET IT BACK IN THE BRA.

JUST PUT A LITTLE HAM KEYON THE END OF IT

AND CURL IT SHUT, YOU KNOW.

( laughter )

THEN THEY'RE NOT FINISHED--THEN THEY SMASH THEM THIS WAY.

IT'S LIKE,"OH, GOOD, DORSAL FINS.

"MAYBE I'LL GO KAYAKINGDOWN THE EAST RIVER.

GRAB AN OAR, JUMP ON."

( laughter )

THAT'S WHEN YOU START LOOKINGAROUND ON THE WALL

FOR THE DIPLOMA.

"THIS WAS NOT IN THE BROCHURE!"

BECAUSE THEY'RE LOOKINGFOR LUMPS.

"IF THERE WAS A LUMP,YOU IRONED IT OUT!"

I'VE BEEN HERE A LITTLE WHILELEARNING SPANISH.

I KNOW JUST ENOUGH SPANISH

THAT WHEN I OVERHEAR IT, I THINKPEOPLE ARE TALKING ABOUT ME.

YOU HEAR THAT ONE SENTENCE:

ESTE MUCHACHO TIENE SCHNOZZOLA GRANDE.

( laughter )

IT'S ODD HAVING A BIG NOSE--

ALL MY PULLOVER SHIRTS HAVESTRETCH MARKS HERE.

IT'S AN ITALIAN NOSE--I'M ITALIAN

AND THAT'S WHAT WE HAVE,THE NOSES AND THE OLIVE SKIN

AND THE BIG TIPPERS,THAT'S WHAT WE ARE.

YOU SEEN ITALIAN GUYS TIP,RIGHT?

WE MAKE EVERYBODY WATCH.

"YOU SEE THAT? I GAVE THE GUYFIVE DOLLARS.

"YOU DIDN'T SEE IT?I'LL GIVE HIM TEN, 15.

"HEY, I DON'T EVEN KNOWIF HE WORKS HERE.

"THIS GUY GETS MONEY, THAT GUY,THIS GUY BACK HERE.

I CAN'T EVEN SEE HIM,I'M TIPPING HIM."

ITALIAN GUYS WILL TIPAT A FUNERAL.

"HEY, COULD YOU GET ME UP FRONTBY THE BODY SOMEWHERE?"

SEE US ON VACATION--

"HEY, HONEY, GET A PICTURE OF METIPPING THIS GUY."

WE LIKE TO TIP.

WE LIKE CHURCH BECAUSE THATCOLLECTION PLATE COMES AROUND.

IT'S LIKE TIPPING GOD.

"FOR HIM, THE GUY UPSTAIRS.

"FOR YOU, FOR THE NUN,FOR THE ALTAR BOY.

"FATHER, COME HERE...GO SEE SINATRA.

GO AHEAD, SIT UP FRONT."

I JUST SAW FRANK SINATRA INCONCERT-- HE'S UNBELIEVABLE.

HE HAS A SONGFOR EVERY TOWN HE GOES TO.

"NEW YORK, NEW YORK,""L.A. IS MY LADY," "CHICAGO."

WHAT IF HE WORKS IN NASHVILLE?DOES HE SING THE SQUARE DANCE?

( imitating Sinatra: )♪ SWING YOUR PARTNERTO AND FRO ♪

♪ TAKE A CHICKEN, DO-SI-DO

♪ DIG THAT CUCKOOCOUNTRY SOUND ♪

♪ PROMENADE THAT BROAD AROUND.

( applause )

ON THE WAY IN HERE,OUTSIDE THIS THEATER

A MERCEDES STATION WAGON.

WHAT A STUPID CAR.

IT'S LIKE HAVINGA ROLEX CLOCK RADIO.

( laughter )

GO TO THIS GUY'S HOUSE, HE'S GOTA BIG-SCREEN BLACK-AND-WHITE TV.

( laughter )

"I GOT THE BIG ONE."

FRIEND OF MINE HASA VERY SIMILAR STUPIDITY.

HE HAS THIS THINGTO STICK OVER HIS CAR RADIO

TO MAKE IT LOOKLIKE A CHEAP A.M.

THE THIEF WALKS BY--

"A.M.! I GUESS THAT'S STANDARDIN THESE LAMBORGHINIS.

LET'S GO TO THE NEXT CAR."

I GOT ONE OF THOSE RADIOSYOU PULL OUT.

YOU PULL IT OUT,SHUT THE CAR DOOR

THE THIEF GOES, "GIMME THAT--THANKS FOR TAKING IT OUT."

"OKAY, LET'S GOTO THE BANK MACHINE.

I NEED MONEY FOR SPEAKERS."

I LIKE THIS SEVEN-DAY-WAIT IDEAFOR THE GUNS.

THEY SAY IT'LL GIVETHE POTENTIAL KILLER

TIME TO COOL DOWN.

NO, IT WON'T, IT'LL JUSTPISS HIM OFF MORE.

"THAT'S FOR MAKING ME WAIT.

"NOW I'M GOING TO KILLTHE OTHER GUY.

ARE YOU STUPID?I'M CRANKY ALREADY."

THEY SAY IT'LL WEED OUTCAREER CRIMINALS

WHICH IS A WEIRD JUXTAPOSITION.

JUXTA... IT'S A WEIRD TERM.

SO... CAREER CRIMINAL--LIKE THE GUY PLANNED IT.

HE WENT TO HIS HIGH SCHOOLGUIDANCE COUNSELOR--

"LOOK, I'M NOT GOOD AT MATH

BUT I LOVE GUNSAND I'M A FAST RUNNER."

"TRY THESE PANTY HOSE ONYOUR HEAD, SEE IF THAT WORKS."

IT'S A CAREER.

I'M TIRED-- I WAS WOKEN UPLAST NIGHT BY A WRONG NUMBER.

4:00 IN THE MORNING.

I WAKE UP WITH THISGRAVELLY 4:00 A.M. VOICE.

"HELLO?"

THE GUY GOES, "BABE?"

WHO'S THIS GUY GOING OUT WITH,SPRINGSTEEN?

SO I GO TO THISALL-NIGHT RESTAURANT.

EVERY TIME I WALK IN,THEY START MOPPING UP.

"EGGS WITH AN AMMONIA CHASER--THANKS.

YOU GOT THAT PINE-SOL OMELET?"

THE WAITRESS IS WIRED-- GIVINGME COFFEE AFTER EVERY SIP.

"COFFEE? COFFEE? COFFEE?"

( laughs maniacally )

PUT MY HAND OVERTHE CUP TO BLOCK

SHE FAKES LEFT,CUTS BACK RIGHT...

I DON'T SEE HER, AND THE CUPKEEPS GETTING FILLED UP.

SHE'S BEHIND A PLANTWITH A WATER PISTOL.

AND THEIR UNIFORMSALWAYS MATCH THE WALLS

SO THEY CAN BLEND INAND SNEAK UP ON YOU

LIKE SOME KIND OF NESCAFE NINJA.

( laughter )

I WAS AT A RESTAURANTA COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO.

I WANTED TO GET A BAKED POTATO.

THIS GUYS SAYS, "SORRY,NO BAKED POTATOES BEFORE 5:00."

LIKE THEY DON'T HAVETHE QUALIFIED PERSONNEL

AT THIS HOUR.

"YEAH, I'M SORRY, THE POTATOSHIFT DID NOT SHOW UP YET.

HE'S GOT THE TIN FOILAND THE RECIPE."

"COME ON,IT'S TEN MINUTES TO 5:00."

"YEAH, BUT THE SOUR CREAM IS INA TIME-LOCK VAULT BACK THERE."

SO I HAD THE FRIED CHEESE

FRIED MOZZARELLA STICKS--DEEP-FRIED CHEESE.

OH, THERE'S A CARDIOVASCULARDREAM COME TRUE.

LET'S SEE, THE CHEESEDOESN'T HAVE ENOUGH FAT

LET'S GIVE ITA CHOLESTEROL JACUZZI.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST PUT ME INA PINTO AND BACK ME INTO A WALL?

( laughter and applause )

YOU KNOW, THE FLIGHT ATTENDANTSARE A LITTLE BIT CONDESCENDING.

"HEY, NEED ANY HELPFINDING YOUR SEAT?"

"YEAH, I'M A MORON,I CAN'T COUNT TO 14.

1, 2, 3... WHAT'S AFTER 3?I'M BLANKING... 11, 19?"

( gibbering )

"HELP ME FIND MY SEAT."

JUST POINT TO THE FATTEST GUYIN THE PLANE

BECAUSE I SIT NEXT TO HIMEVERY TIME.

"YOU'RE GOINGTO BE WEDGED BETWEEN

"HEY, KOOL-AID AND MR. FRENCH.

NOW, SHUT UP,I'LL BRING YOUR PEANUTS."

I SPOKE WITH MY MOTHERON THE PHONE TODAY.

SHE HAS CALL WAITING, BUTSHE HAS NO IDEA HOW IT WORKS.

SHE HEARS THAT CLICK, THERE'SANOTHER CALL, SHE PANICS.

SHE SOUNDS LIKE JERRY LEWIS:

"WAIT, CLICK, CALL, DON'T GO."

"PERSON WAITING CALL,DON'T GO!"

"PERSON... CALL."

A LITTLE IMPRESSION, SEE?

MY MOTHER CALLS THOSE"IMITATIONS."

I DON'T LIKE THAT WORD.

PUTS ME IN THAT CATEGORY--CHEAP HANDBAGS, FAKE FURS...

NOW THEY HAVE THIS STUFFIN THE SUPERMARKETS:

IMITATION CRABMEAT.

YOU KNOW THERE'S NOT FISH GOING,"WAIT, I DO A GREAT CRAB."

( laughter )

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