Miami

  • Season 3, Ep 2
  • 09/08/2015

Hollywood heartthrob Clark Gable fights in World War II, Ponce de Leon discovers Florida, and Griselda Blanco becomes the Godmother of Cocaine.

Hey.[laughs]

Hello.

Hello, I'm Dan Harmon,and today I'd like to tell you

the story of Griselda Blanco,

the godmother of cocaine.

[slurps]

So Griselda Blancomarries Alberto Bravo,

a cocaine dealerfrom the Medellin Cartel.

And Griselda loves him,they get married,

and we're gonna pursuethe American dream

and go to America.

They, uh, they bring cocaineto New York.

Ka-boom!

Welcome to 1970s America,

where everyone is on cocaine.

Athletes, police, meter maids,your uncle.

Everyone's on cocaineis my point.

So many people are on cocaine,

the NYPD and DEAform a task force.

You gotta stopthis [bleep] cocaine.

Hey, Bob Palombo,head of the new DEA task force,

Operation Banshee,

stop this cocaine!

Bob Palombo goes,okay, I'm on it.

Let's do it.I'm gonna do it.

I got my shoulder holster.I got my badge.

I got my cocaine training.

I'm gonna go bustsome cocaine people.

He goes out.

Alberto Bravo [bleep]bails on his wife.

He leaves Griselda high and dry.

She opens the booksand realizes, holy [bleep],

this [bleep] guy that I trusted,exchanged vows with,

he stole millions from meand then bailed on me.

She calls her husband.

Hey...ass master.

[Derek and Dan laugh]

(Dan)Could we...hook up,

talk about the elephants

in the various rooms?

- Let's chug this.- Chug this?

- Yeah! Come on.- Okay.

We're in Miami.

I mean, that's gonna...

- That's a threshold.- Mmm.

(Dan)She makes her own wayto Colombia.

Griselda pulls up in a carby herself.

She gets out of the car.She points at him.

You [bleep] me!

We dealt cocaine togetherin New York.

We dominated.

The DEA moved in,and you [bleep] me.

He's like, hey, whoa, man,you don't need to be so harsh.

[bleep] come on, baby,

[bleep], [bleep], [bleep],[bleep], [bleep].

He goes for his Uzi,which is in his belt.

She goes for her pistol,which is in her boot.

She gets shot in the gutwith one Uzi bullet.

Oh! Ow!My gut.

She shoots him in the facewith her pistol.

She takes his Uzi.

She shootsall of his six bodyguards

and emerges as the only survivorof the entire scene

and earns the nicknamethe Black Widow.

Now she makesher biggest [bleep] move of all.

She goes, let's goto the virgin city, "Me-ami."

Come on, Dan.

Are you gonna do pushups?

Maybe.

I can't see you,by the way.

I can see two of you.

Um, so she, uh--she goes to Miami.

[dance music]

Now, this is a town very thirstyfor cocaine.

Here comes Griselda.

She invents a little conceptcalled the motorcycle drive-by.

Miami has gone insane.

The murder ratehas tripled overnight,

and most of it are peoplethat Griselda

is either murderingor having murdered.

Meanwhile,DEA agent Bob Palombo,

he says to his colleagues,when I arrest this woman,

I'm gonna kiss heron the mouth. Mmm.

His colleagues are like, oh,did you hear what Bob said?

Yeah, the mouth-kissing thing?Yeah.

Having no more battlesleft to win,

she starts getting highon her own supply.

Griselda starts holing herselfup in her mansion.

Meanwhile, the DEA isclosing in enough,

she sees the writingon the rall--on the rall.

She sees the writingon the wall.

She flees to Irvine, California.

So she's sittingin her Irvine, California, home.

The DEA is closing in.

Griselda, we knowyou're in there.

Guess what Bob Palombo does.

He marches up to her,kisses her.

And all of his coworkers arelike, wow, look what Bob did.

He sexualized his quarry.

Ugh, gross.

So she pleads guilty

to 3 of the 240 murders

that she may be"guiltiable" about,

an exchange for whichshe gets 20 years in prison.

2011--correct the chyronif we find out that's not true--

she gets deported backto Colombia,

in her hometown of Medellin,

the town that made herwhat she is.

She's outside a butcher shop.

She is gunned downby two assassins...

on a motorcycle.

(Derek)Would that be...

(Dan)A motorcycle drive-by? Yeah.

The fact that she diedby something that

wouldn't have existedhad she not existed,

that's...total irony.

This is--this is likeif Thomas Edison, uh,

after his long life,was strangled in his sleep

- by a light bulb.- [laughs]

Like [bleep] Ben Franklinbeing killed by a glowing key.

Would it be likeGeorge Foreman...

- Getting grilled to death?- Being thrown and grilled?

And all of his fatdripping down

angled troughsinto a [bleep] plastic bin?

- By all his challenges?- [laughing]

Hi, I'm Jessica Meraz,

and todaywe're going to be talking

about Juan Ponce de León.

Or as white people call him,"Ponce de Leon."

Juan Ponce de Leónis a Spanish explorer.

King Ferdinand is like,you know what, Ponce?

I dig you.

You've done a really great job,

and in honor of your serviceto Spain,

I'm going to send you overto Puerto Rico

to be the governor.

So Ponce de León's like,okay, cool.

He goes to Puerto Rico,and he sees the people.

He's like, love you.You guys are cool.

Sees the land, he's like,oh, my God, it's bountiful,

and it's awesome.

So...[laughs]

(Derek)It's kicking in.

[laughs]

Okay, so, back in Spain,bom, bom, bom,

Diego Columbus is there.

He's Christopher Columbus'eldest son,

and he is likerich kid, dick face.

And he's like, you know what,King Ferdinand?

You owe me [bleep].

You told my dad thathe's supposed to have control

over all the West Indiesand everything that he explored.

And the king is like,[bleep] you.

My man Ponce, who is, like,a good dude,

is taking care of Puerto Rico.

I don't care who your dad is,but, like, shut the [bleep] up.

So he goes,and he finds the king's cousin.

Her name was Maria Alvarez...de Toledo.

Wait, give it to me again.

Maria Alvarez de Toledo.

(Derek)Wait, that's so fast.

(Jessica)Maria Alvarez de Toledo.

(Derek)Wait, one at at time.

- Maria.- Ma--oh, Maria.

- Alvarez.- Alvarez.

- De.- De.

- Toledo.- Toledo?

(Jessica)Okay. Mm.

So he seduces this chickand marries her

and basically blackmailsthe king,

and he's like, you know what,King Ferdinand?

Make me the viceroyof the entire West Indies--

which includes Puerto Rico--and the governor of Hispaniola,

which is the islandjust west of Puerto Rico.

And King Ferdinand has no--no choice.

His hands are tied.

So in 1509, Diego Columbusgoes over to Hispaniola,

plunders all the resources,is a huge dick,

brings over a slew ofwhite chicks from--from Spain.

It's like, ah, for my Spanis--for my Spanish conquistador

fellow army men,like, ahh, you know?

Take your pick. You can...[whistles]

With whatever chick you want to.

And his buddies Juan Cerónand Miguel Díaz are over.

And he's like...[speaking Spanish]

What did he just say?

Let's have some drinks.Let's have a good time.

Let's party, man.

Very cool.

So they go, and he's like, yeah,party island!

And he turns Hispaniola into,like, a frat boy party.

[techno music]

[laughing]

[laughs]

Hoo!

Hi, I'm Greg Worswick,

and I'm here to tell youabout Private Clark Gable.

So it's the 1930s,and Clark Gable is like

the most famous movie starin America.

He's like, I am so famous.

I have these eyebrowsand this mustache.

They're crazy.

He marries Carole Lombard,who's his new love.

She's like the Goldie Hawn of--

of Paramount movies in the 30s.

He's like, she is my soul mate.

Then, World War II starts.

[gulps]

Yeah.[gulps]

Big...gulp.

They start getting involvedin the war effort.

And so Clark's like, yes,

I will lend my faceto some brochures,

in a sort of fun pose

where I'm just saying, hey.

Carole is so, so invested,

and she goes to Indiana.

She sells over $2 millionin war bonds.

She breaks records.

Nobody has evermade that before.

Carole is like, I am reallyraising money for this war.

And she telegrams him one night,and she says,

you better get yourselfinto this man's army.

And so Clark is like, well,okay, I'm a movie star.

I'm [bleep] Brett Butler.

[laughter]

Not Brett Butler.

I'm Rhett Butlerin Gone with the Wind.

I won an Oscar.I'm, like, doing pretty good.

Sure.

The next day,Carole gets on this plane.

She's coming back hometo Hollywood from Indianapolis.

Her plane goes down.She dies.

Clark is, like, devastated.

He's like, no!

And then he starts thinkingabout those last words,

that siren's call to himthat's like,

you better get yourselfinto this man's army.

And he thinks, okay,this is the best way

that I can honormy wife's last request,

is that I should get involvedwith the war.