CC Presents: Josh Sneed

  • Season 11, Ep 18
  • 03/29/2007

[LAUGHTER]

I'M JOSH SNEED. I'M FROM CINCINNATI, OHIO.

- WHERE, AH-- YEAH, ALL THE WAY.- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

CINCINNATI'S COOL. I LIKE NEW YORK, THOUGH--

- A LITTLE HIGHWAY-- YEAH. - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

A LITTLE HIGHWAY CONSTRUCTION GOING ON.

WE HAVE A LOT INCINCINNATI, TOO.

BUT WE HAVE THE BEST HIGHWAY CONSTRUCTION SIGN EVER.

IT'S GOT LITTLE KIDS' HANDWRITING ON IT.

IT SAYS, "SLOW DOWN. MY DADDY WORKS HERE."

AND YOU'RE LIKE, "WHATEVER." YOU KNOW [CAR SPEEDS OFF].

"SORRY ABOUT YOUR DAD; I'VE GOT STUFF TO DO."

AND OTHER STATES ARE ACTUALLY COPYING OFF OF US--

WEST VIRGINIA. THEY HAD A SIGN THAT SAID,

"SLOW DOWN. MY MOM'S BOYFRIEND WORKS HERE,"

WHICH I THOUGHTWAS KINDA WEIRD.

I JUST THINK THEWHOLE THING'S RIDICULOUS'CAUSE EVERYBODY KNOWS

IF YOUR DAD WORKS HIGHWAY CONSTRUCTION, YOU CAN'T WRITE.

- YOU KNOW, WHATEVER, BUT-- NO. - [LAUGHTER]

IT'S A GREAT TOWN. I TRAVEL EVERYWHERE.

THAT STATE-- WE SHOULD JUST GIVE IT TO CANADA

IN EXCHANGE FOR FREE HEALTHCARE 'CAUSE THERE'S NOTHING TO DO.

YOU KNOW I NEED NIGHTLIFE. THAT'S HOW I FEEL.

- AND AH, YEAH.- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THE ONE THING I DID ENJOY ABOUT MONTANA WAS ON SATURDAY MORNING

THEY TOOK ME TO A FLEA MARKET FOR THE FIRST TIME.

NOW HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE EVER BEEN TO A FLEA MARKET?

- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]- OKAY. ALL RIGHT.

FOR THE REST OF YOU, IF YOU'RE EVER FEELING DOWN ABOUT YOURSELF,

GO TO A FLEA MARKET. LIKE IF SPRINGER'S NOT ON

AND "BIG LOTS" IS CLOSED, JUST GO TO A FLEA MARKET;

'CAUSE THERE'S NOT THAT MUCH WHITE TRASH IN A DUMPSTER

BEHIND A PAPER PLATE FACTORY.THIS PLACE IS AWESOME.

I MEAN, WHERE ELSE CAN YOU PICK UP YAEGERMISTER, FIREWORKS

AND A COLD SOREIN THE SAME TRANSACTIONTHAN AT A FLEA MARKET?

AND THE PEOPLE WATCHING IS SECOND TO NONE.

I DON'T KNOW IF ANYONE ENJOYS PEOPLE WATCHING QUITE AS MUCH AS I DO.

IT'S A WONDERFUL HOBBY. IT'S FREE TO JUST SIT THERE WITH SOMEONE YOU LOVE

AND TALK ABOUT THE HUMAN CRAP WALKING BY.

THE FLEA MARKET IS PRIME PICKINGS, BUDDY.TAKE A CAMERA.

YOU'RE GONNA SEE SOMETHING YOU LIKE.

IN MONTANA WAS A WOMAN--SHE WAS WALKING AROUND.

SHE HAD A BABY ON HER HIP WEARING NOTHING BUT A DIAPER AND A KOOL-AID MOUTH.

AND MEANWHILE, HER BELLY IS SPILLING OUT THE BOTTOM

OF A SKINTIGHT RAGGEDY T-SHIRT THAT SAYS, "YOU WISH YOU COULD."

AND I'M LIKE, "UH-- I THINK SOMEONE ALREADY HAS.

"YOU KNOW-- MANY TIMES-- PROBABLY AGAINST YOUR WILL.

"I'LL GIVE YOU THAT.

"BUT THERE'S NO EXCUSE FOR WHAT I'M LOOKING AT RIGHT NOW, LADY.

WHERE ARE YOUR FRIENDS?"

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN SOMEONE SO HEINOUS,

YOU WANNA WALK UP TO THEM AND GO, "EXCUSE ME. "WHERE ARE YOUR FRIENDS?"

LIKE WHO DO I BLAME FOR THIS BEING IN PUBLIC RIGHT NOW?

WHO SAID TO YOU"OKAY. YOU'RE READY. LET'S GO."

'CAUSE I'D LIKE TO HAVE A WORD WITH THEM.

APPARENTLY THEY'VE RUN OUT OF SHAME.

I'M A GOOD FRIEND. I AM.I LET MY BUDDIES KNOW

IF THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH OR THEIR NOSE.

AND IF I WOULD'VE KNOWN THAT WOMAN, I WOULD'VE BEEN LIKE,

"PEGGY, YOU NEED TO PUT THAT AWAY,

"'CAUSE NO ONE WANTS TO LOOK AT THAT, ALL RIGHT? COVER UP YOUR STOMACH, TOO."

BEAUSE IT WAS AN UGLY BABY, SWEET JESUS.

AND FAT. TALK ABOUT A DOUBLE WAMMY.

AND THE ONLY REASON I SAY THAT IS BECAUSE

THE US TODAYHAD AN ARTICLE RECENTLY

THAT SAID DODGE BALL IS GONE FROM SCHOOLS NOW.

DODGEBALL IS GONE; AND WHEN I FOUND OUT WHY, I GOT EVEN MORE UPSET.

NOT 'CAUSE IT'S VIOLENT OR 'CAUSE KIDS WERE BEING KILLED BY DODGE BALLS,

IT'S ONLY GONE 'CAUSE IT MADE FAT KIDS FEEL UNWANTED AND INFERIOR.

AND I'M LIKE, WHAT ABOUT THE STUFF

THAT MADE ME FEELUNWANTED AND INFERIOR

LIKE MATH-- ALL RIGHT. THERE'S ONE-- ALL RIGHT.

MY MOTHER: THERE'S TWO.YOU CAN'T JUST GET RID OF STUFF.

- EVERYBODY WOULD BE DUMB. - [LAUGHTER]

AND YOU CAN'T BLAME THE KIDS FOR WHAT THEY WEIGH,

'CAUSE YOU HAVE TO LOOKAT THE TOYS THEY HAVE.

MY LITTLE COUSIN OWNS A CHUCKY CHEESE PIZZA OVEN. NOW I WISH THAT WAS A JOKE,

BUT THAT'S TRUE.IN EIGHT MINUTES IN HIS BEDROOM,

HE'LL GET YOU A MEAT LOVER'S WITH EXTRA CHEESE.

AND THAT'S NOT HEALTHY, YOU KNOW; OR FAIR.

IT'S NOT. I HAD A SNOOPY SNOW CONE MACHINE.

IN FOUR HOURS,YOU COULD CRUSH ONE CUBE, RIGHT,

- AND HAVE A DIXIE CUP--- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

YOU GET A DIXIE CUP HALF-FULL OF CHERRY FLAVORED ICE.

IF YOU'RE LUCKY,YOUR SISTER WOULD BRINGYOU A CAKE SHE BAKED

WITH A DAMN LIGHT BULB. THAT WAS A GOOD DAY IN '86.

I HATE FAT KIDS. THAT'S WHAT THIS WHOLE THING COMES BACK TO.

IT REALLY DOES.THAT'S WHERE ALL THIS STEMS FROM

IS FAT KIDS.

AND IT'S NOT JUST THE KIDS THAT ARE FAT;

IT'S A PROBLEM FOR EVERYONE. AND I KNOW THAT BECAUSE

I WAS IN A MALL RECENTLY AND I SAW A STORE SELLING A CANDLE

THAT SMELLED LIKE MASHED POTATOES.

HOW FAT ARE YOU WHEN YOU WANT YOUR WHOLE HOUSE

TO SMELL LIKE BUTTERED MASHED POTATOES?

AND THEY DON'T EVEN SELL A GRAVY ONE,

WHICH I THINK IS RIDICULOUS. NOW I'M FAR FROM SKINNY;

BUT I'M TRYING TO LOSE WEIGHT AND I'M EXCITED.

I THINK THIS IS GONNA BE MY YEAR,

- AND-- - [LAUGHTER]

WHY IS THAT FUNNY? I AM.

AND IT'S NOT FROM FAT-BURNING DRUGS OR EXERCISE.

BUT I JUST TURNED 29AND I SWALLOWED A TON OF

CHEWING GUM WHEN I WAS 22, SO IT SHOULD BE COMING OUT

ANY DAY NOW. AND I'M EXCITED, YOU KNOW?

I'M GONNA BE ALL RIPPED,AND IT'S GONNA BE SWEET.

[LAUGHTER]

IF YOU'RE NOT, IT'S OKAY,

I ALREADY KNOW NOT EVERYBODY THINKS I'M FUNNY. MY LAST GIRLFRIEND--

OR, AS I LIKE TO CALL HER, "THE XBOX"-- NOW SHE IS

- A PERFECT EXAMPLE--- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

DOESN'T THAT JUST SUM IT UP?

WHAT A RAY OF SUNSHINE.

SHE WAS SO LOUD, LIKE, ALL THE TIME AND BULIMIC.

YOU KNOW? I WAS ALWAYS GOING,"HONEY, KEEP IT DOWN."

- AND-- - [LAUGHTER]

THAT JOKE WAS JUST A TESTER. I'M GLAD YOU GUYS PASSED IT.

SHE GOT SOME INTELLIGENT--SHE WAS AN IDIOT.

INTELLIGENCE IS KEYAND SHE WAS LOCKED OUT.

IT WAS REALLY SAD, TOO.I WANTED IT TO WORK.

I REMEMBER THE NIGHT I KNEW IT WOULDN'T.

WE WERE WATCHING DR. DOOLITTLE, PART TWO,

AND THREE-FOURTHSOF THE WAY INTO THE FILM

THERE'S A SCENE WHERE EDDIE MURPHY'S GETTING SUED.

SO HIS WIFE IN THE FLICKIS GONNA BE HIS LAWYER.

SHE LOOKS AT ME AND GOES "OH MY.YOU'VE GOTTA BE KIDDING ME.

"THEY WOULD NEVER LET YOUR SPOUSE REPRESENT YOU IN A COURT OF LAW.

THIS MOVIE'S RIDICULOUS."AND I'M, LIKE,

"THERE HAVE BEEN ANIMALS TALKING."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SHE WAS NOT SMART. YEAH.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

WITH A GOOD SENSE OF HUMOR. IS THAT TRUE, LADIES?

- "YEAH, IT SURE IS."- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

EVERY MONTH IN MAXIM, I READ-- THE HOTTEST CHICK

IN HOLLYWOOD,LYING THERE HALF-NAKED. THEY'RE LIKE,

"WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A GUY?" "WELL, REALLY AS LONG AS

HE MAKES ME LAUGH." OKAY, WHATEVER.

I CAN TELL YOU FROM EXPERIENCETHAT BEING FUNNY

DOES NOT HELP YOU GET THE FIRST DATE.

I WAS WALKING THROUGH THIS MALL AND THERE WAS A GIRL

IN FRONT OF VICTORIA'S SECRET WHO STOPPED ME SHE WAS LIKE,

"HEY, HOW'S IT GOING?"I WAS LIKE, "GOOD, HOW ARE YOU?"

SHE GOES, ""ARE YOU SHOPPINGFOR A WIFE OR GIRLFRIEND TODAY?"

"NO. WHY?" SHE GOES,"WELL, WE'RE HAVING THIS

AFTER CHRISTMAS SALE AND ALL OUR BRAS ARE 50% OFF."

AND I GO, "I LIKE WHEN YOUR BRAS ARE A HUNDRED PERCENT OFF."

I MEAN, IT CAME OUT THAT QUICK. I'M NOT GONNA LIE TO YOU GUYS.

IT WAS THE PROUDESTI'VE EVER BEEN IN MY LIFE, OKAY?

- NO, I'M SERIOUS. OKAY? - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

NOT 'CAUSE IT'S HILARIOUS, BUT THE TIMING WAS IMPECCABLE;

BUT SHE DIDN'T EVEN GET IT.

SHE'S LIKE, "100%? [SCOFFS]

SIR, THEN THEY'D BE FREE."

AND I'M LIKE, "WELL, THAT'S ONE WAY OF PUTTING IT--

- THEY SURE WOULD." - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SHE GETS EVEN MORE CONFUSED. SHE'S LIKE, "Allison.

This guy says he wants ourbras 'One hundred percent off.'"

"DOES HE? WELL, SIR,

THEN WE WOULDN'T MAKE ANY MONEY." AND I'M LIKE,

"YOU KNOW, I THINK YOU'RE WRONG THERE, TOO."

- [LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]- BUT YOU KNOW HERE'S MY THING--

THANK YOU.

I WAS PROUD.

I MEAN, IT DIDN'T GO THE WAY I HOPED IT WOULD.

BUT IT DID HELP ME LEARNA VALUABLE LIFE LESSON

THAT I STRESS TO EVERYONE:

DO WHAT MAKES FOR A BETTER STORY IN YOUR LIFE, RIGHT?

IF I'D HAVE JUST KEPT WALKING PAST HER,

YOU GUYS WOULDN'T HAVECARED ABOUT THAT STORY.

BUT I DIDN'T, AND NOW YOU HAVE A LITTLE JOKE TO SHARE, RIGHT?

I'LL BE FACED WITH A DECISIONWHERE I SAY TO MYSELF,

"I SHOULD NOT DO THIS.BUT I CAN THINK OF ABOUT

EIGHT PEOPLE I'M GONNA CALL AS SOON AS I DO."

- [LAUGHTER] - I'M SERIOUS.

THREE YEARS AGO, I FARTED ON JESSICA SIMPSON.

[LAUGHTER]

SEE? YOU'RE ALREADY INTERESTED.I'LL GIVE YOU THE DEETS.

I WAS LIVING INL.A. AT THE TIME

AND I HAD TOFLY HOME TO CINCINNATI.IT WAS A RED-EYE FLIGHT;

LEFT L.A. AT ONE AM, STOPPED IN TEXAS,

AND THEN CONTINUED ON TO CINCINNATI.

THE AIRPORTIS COMPLETELY DESERTED,

AND I STEP ONTO THE JET WAYAFTER GIVING THE WOMAN MY TICKET

AND THERE'S, LIKE, 40 PEOPLE STUCK IN THE JET WAY.

SOMEBODY WAS TAKING A LONG TIME TO GET INTO THEIR SEAT

SO WE WERE ALL JUST STANDING THERE.

SO I NOTICE THAT THE GIRL DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF ME

WAS JESSICA SIMPSON, RIGHT, SHE'S ALL BY HERSELF.

NOW AT THE TIME, SHE WAS MARRIED TO NICK LACHEY,

WHO'S FROM CINCINNATI. HE'S ALWAYS HAD A PLACE THERE.

HE'S SEEN AT NIGHTCLUBSAND SPORTING EVENTS.

HIS FAMILY'S THERE. SO I THOUGHT,

"HEY. MAYBE THAT'S WHERE SHE'S GOING, TOO."

AND THAT'S ALL I ASKED HER. I WAS LIKE,

"ARE YOU GOING TO CINCINNATI?" AND SHE GOES,

[SCOFFS] "NO. WHY WOULDI GO TO CINCINNATI."

AND IN MY HEAD, I'M LIKE, "WELL, ASIDE FROM ALL THOSE

"THINGS I JUST MENTIONED, IS IT EVEN CRAZY TO ASK THAT

YOU MIGHT EVER HAVE TO GO TO OHIO?"

SO NOW, IT'S JUST KINDA AWKWARD SILENCE. AND I SAID,

"I DON'T KNOW. I THOUGHT MAYBE YOU'D VISIT YOUR HUSBAND."

I SAID, "I'M ACTUALLY A STAND-UP COMEDIAN.

"I'VE MET HIM A FEW TIMES.

AND HE'S ALWAYS BEEN A REALLY COOL GUY."

AND SHE GOES, "I'M SUREYOU'VE MET MY HUSBAND."

AND I WAS LIKE "WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, LADY?"

I WAS MAD, 'CAUSE I LIVED IN L.A. FOR, LIKE, SIX MONTHS

AND ALL MY FRIENDS BACK HOME KEPT ASKING ME WAS:

"HAVE YOU MET ANYBODY FAMOUS?" AND NOW I HAD,

WHAT WAS I GONNA SAY. "YEAH, SHE WASN'T VERY NICE."

- THAT'S A BORING STORY. - [LAUGHTER]

SO-- YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.SO WE'RE FLYING TO TEXAS, RIGHT,

I'M SO UPSET THAT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

ON AN AIRPLANE, I CAN'T FALL ASLEEP.

AND EVERY TIME I GLANCE TO THE LEFT,

SHE'S IN THATLAST ROW OF FIRST CLASS, JUST SLEEPING.

AND I'M LIKE, THE NERVE.

WE LAND IN TEXAS, AND I'M LIKE, YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M GONNA GO INTO THE TERMINAL; GET SOME FOOD.

GET BACK ON THE PLANE BEFORE IT TAKES OFF AGAIN.

SO I STEP OUT ONTO THE AISLE WAY.

SHE'S JUST WAKING UP. KINDA TAKES HER A SECOND TO GET HER STUFF TOGETHER.

SHE ENDS UP BEHIND ME WHILE WE'RE WAITING FOR THE DOOR TO OPEN

WHEN I FELT IT. I WAS LIKE THIS IS IT.

THIS IS GOD LETTING ME GET MY REVENGE FROM WHEN I WAS WRONGED

- BACK ON THE WEST COAST, RIGHT?- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THAT'S WHAT I SAID. BUT EVEN THEN I WAS LIKE,

I SHOULDN'T DO IT, RIGHT,'CAUSE WHAT IF IT MAKES A SOUND?

EVERYBODY'S GONNA KNOW IT WAS ME.

NUMBER TWO: THE POWER OF THE PLANE HAD BEEN TURNED OFF

SO THE AIR WASN'T CIRCULATING ANYMORE. YEAH.

SO THERE WERE GONNA BE A LOT OF CIVILIAN CASUALTIES.

BUT IT WAS ALL I HAD; AND I SAID, "YOU KNOW WHAT,

I'LL KNOW IF I MADE THE RIGHT DECISION OR NOT

AS SOON AS I TELL SOMEONE THIS STORY."

SO-- [FARTS]

YEAH-- YOU COULDN'T HEAR IT. DON'T-- DON'T WORRY.

YOU COULDN'T HEAR IT. I ONLY DID THAT SO

EVERYONE HERE AND AT HOME KNOWS--

IN THE STORY, WHEN IT HAPPENED.

AND THANK GOD YOU COULDN'T HEAR IT 'CAUSE IT WAS AWFUL.

PEOPLE: IT WAS UNACCEPTABLE. I'LL SAY IT.

THERE WERE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME TURNING AROUND,

LIKE THEY MIGHT ACTUALLY SEE IT IN THE AIR.

THEY WERE LIKE, "OH. COME ON. THE DOOR'S CLOSED."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND, LIKE, THE WHOLE TIME I'M STANDING THERE GOING,

"I KNOW. UGH. WHO WOULD DO SUCH A THING."

I WANTED TO TURN AROUND TO SEE IF SHE WAS MAKING A FACE,

BUT THERE'S NO WAY I COULD'VE DONE IT WITHOUT LAUGHING

'CAUSE I'M JUST STANDING THERE LIKE, "I WON."

THAT'S WHAT I KEPT SAYING TO MYSELF. I WAS LIKE "I WON."

FROM TIME TO TIME LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE, YOU KNOW.

I WAS WATCHING MY LITTLE COUSIN AND I ASKED HIM

WHAT KIND OF TV HE WANTED TO SEE. SO HE WAS LIKE,

BOB THE BUILDER. I WAS LIKE, "REALLY?"

I WAS LIKE, "WHAT HAPPENED TO SPIDERMAN AND BATMAN

AND SUPERMAN, AND WONDER WOMAN,AND HE MAN, AND VOLTRON,

AND THE THUNDER CATS, AND THE TRANSFORMERS, RIGHT,

- PEOPLE THAT COULD DO STUFF... - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THAT NO OTHER HUMAN COULD DO.

THAT'S WHY YOU WANTEDTO BE 'EM ON HALLOWEEN,

WHY THEY'RE ON YOUR UNDEROOS WHEN YOU WENT TO BED,

'CAUSE THEY SAVED THE DAY WHEN NO ONE ELSE COULD.

EVEN STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE SMELLED NICE FOR THE BOYS.

NOW, WHAT'S MY POINT?I'LL TELL YOU,

BOB THE BUILDER JUST-- BUILDS STUFF, YEAH.

HE HAS NO POWERS. HE CAN'T HANG DRYWALL WITH HIS MIND, OKAY?

HE DOESN'T HAVE MAGIC SHEETROCK OR SOME STORY ABOUT

HOW HE GOT SHOT WITH A NAIL GUN WHEN HE WAS A BABY

AND THAT'S HOW THIS WHOLE THINGS GOT STARTED. HE JUST BUILDS STUFF.

NOW PEOPLE, THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH BEING A CONSTRUCTION WORKER,

BUT THAT IS A BIT MISLEADING TO THESE KIDS, ISN'T IT?

MY LITTLE COUSIN SITS THERE,

"I WANNA BE LIKE BOB THE BUILD ONE DAY." OF COURSE YOU DO,

"'CAUSE YOU THINK THE MACHINES ARE GONNA SING SONGS WHILE YOUR WORKING.

"DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY MUSHROOMS YOU HAVE TO EAT BEFORE THAT'S

- "EVER GONNA HAPPEN? - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SEVEN. SEVEN MUSHROOMS."

MY FRIEND BRIAN FOUND OUT, WE SAT AROUND ONE NIGHT,

I WAS LIKE "CAN WE BUILD IT?" FINALLY HE SAID, "YES, WE CAN."

I WAS LIKE "I KNEW IT!" SEVEN.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

MY LITTLE COUSIN IS A TRIP THROUGH.

HE LISTENS TO RAP MUSIC. BOB THE BUILDER AND HIP-HOP.

HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN?I HAVEN'T SEEN HIM DO IT

AND HIS MOTHER SWEARS SHE NEVER HAS IT ON,

BUT HE GETS THISFROM SOMEWHERE.

I WALKED IN ON HIM ONE TIME SCREAMING AT HIS EASTER BASKET.

HE'S DOWN ON THE GROUND, "AAAHH, AAAHH!"

AND I'M LIKE, "ANDY, WHAT'S WRONG? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

HE'S LIKE, "I'M GIVINGSHOUT OUTS TO MY PEEPS."

- AND I WAS LIKE-- YOU-- - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WHERE'S MY NASCAR FANS? ARE THERE ANY HERE TONIGHT?

OH, REALLY? DUDE, NASCAR IS HUGE-- AT THE FLEA MARKET--

THEY ARE BIG FANS. NO, I'M SERIOUS.

I HATE IT. MY DAD'S A BIG FAN.

HE LIKES TONY STEWART SO MUCHHE PAINTED A NUMBER 20

ON THE SIDE OF HIS RIDING LAWN MOWER.

ONE DAY HE SAW HIS NEIGHBOR WAS GONNA FINISH HIS YARD FIRST

SO MY DAD RAN UP INTO THE FENCE,

"'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT TONY WOULD HAVE DID!"

HIS NEIGHBOR WAS A JEFF GORDON FAN.

HE HAD "24" ON HIS MOWER. SO HE SPENT THE REST OF THE DAY

WHINING ABOUT WHY HE LOST, YOU KNOW MAKING EXCUSES,

AND HIS BOYFRIEND WAS EVEN MORE UPSET.

HE WAS OUT THERE[LISP] "YOU CAN'T JUST HIT 'EM."

OH WHATEVER, THAT GUY'S GAY. HE DRIVES A FLAMIN' RAINBOW.

- [LISP] WATCH OUT, BOYZ. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'D LIKE TO MEETA DRIVER THOUGH,

FIND OUT WHAT LIFE'S LIKE WHEN THEY'RE NOT RACING.

THEY GOTTA DO THE SPEED LIMIT LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE,

AND THAT'S GOT TO SUCK.

CAN YOU IMAGINE THEM GETTING A TICKET FOR DOIN' 80?

"OFFICER, THIS IS RIDICULOUS!THE PACE CAR GOES 90!"

SITTING IN JIFFY LUBE,

"WHAT THE HELL'STAKING SO LONG?!

"YEAH, IT WAS ME.

48 SECONDS YOU AIN'T EVEN GOT MY FILTER OFF.

YOU SUCK, BUDDY. WHY DON'T YOU PICK IT UP I GOT... [UNINTELIGIBLE.]"

[LAUGHTER]

- THEM'S FIGHTIN' WORDS. - [LAUGHTER]

THIS WOMAN WAS LIVID,STARTS WALKING TOWARD THE STAGE,

"HEY! HEY! LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING,

YOU DONE SON OF A BITCH, ALL RIGHT?

"YOU YANKEE.NA-- GET OFF ME, BILLY--

- "NASCAR, - [LAUGHTER]

IT AIN'T JUST A REDNECK SPORT."

AND I'M ON STAGE LIKE, "YEAH IT IS." AND SHE'S LIKE--

"NO IT'S NOT, N'KAY? AND I DON'T APPRECIATE YOU COMIN' DOWN HERE

AND TALKING LIKE THAT BOY, YOU KNOW WHERE YOU'RE AT?"

APPARENTLY SOMEWHERE YOU'RE ALLOWED TO END A SENTENCE

WITH A PREPOSITION. "WHAT'S THAT MEAN?" NOTHING.

CHALK ONE UP FOR ME, ALL I'M SAYING.

JUST HEAR ME OUT ON THIS.

THE ONLY POINT I'M TRYING TO MAKE

IS THAT THE REDNECK, IF YOU WILL, IS THE DEMOGRAPHIC

THAT NASCAR TRIES TO MARKET THEIR PRODUCE TOWARDS.

THAT'S WHO THEYTRY TO SELL STUFF, TOO."OH, IS IT REALLY?

"YOU DON'T SAY. WELL WHAT MAKES YOU SAY THAT?"

I WAS LIKE, "ALL RIGHT, WHO'S YOUR FAVORITE DRIVER?"

"DALE JR., SAY SOMETHING, WHAT? WHAT?

YOU CAN'T HATE NUMBER 8.HEY, HEY, DAMN RIGHT."

SO I LOOKED IN HER GOOD EYE AND I SAID, "YOU KNOW WHAT,

"I DIDN'T REALIZE YOU WERE GONNA MAKE IT THAT EASY ON ME,

BUT OKAY." I WAS LIKE,"LADY I SAW A COMMERCIAL

"FOR DALE EARNHARDT JR.COLLECTIBLE BUCKETS OFKENTUCKY FRIED CHICKEN.

THERE, I WIN." I DON'T KNOW IF THEY MADE

THEIR WAY TO NEW YORK CITY, BUT I ASSURE THEY EXIST.

DALE EARNHARDT JR. COLLECTIBLE BUCKETS,

ONLY AT KENTUCKY FRIED CHICKEN.IF I EVER WALK INTO YOUR HOME...

[LAUGHTER]

AND ACROSS YOUR MANTLE ARE SEVEN DIFFERENT BUCKETS OF KENTUCKY FRIED CHICKEN

THAT USED TO HOLD YOUR DINNER,

BUT NOW IT'S BEHIND PROTECTIVE GLASS,

AND YOU CALL IT A COLLECTION. CHECK IT OUT, WE GOT 'EM ALL.

COUNT 'EM UP-- SEVEN--ONE, TWO, THREE-- SEVEN.

WE GOT 'EM ALL, CHECK THAT OUT BUDDY.

- THAT'S RIGHT, ALL OF 'EM. - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

EVEN THE ONE FROM WEEK FIVE

WE MISSED WHEN RODNEY HAD HIS HEART ATTACK,

WE HAD GET THAT ONEOFF THE E-BAY.

THAT'S GREAT. I'M LEAVING,

I'M MAKING FUN OF YOU, AND THEN I'M LEAVING,

'CAUSE YOU DON'T DESERVE TO HAND OUT WITH ME.

WHY? 'CAUSE THAT'S THE DUMBEST THING

I'VE EVER HEARD IN MY LIFE, COLLECTIBLE BUCKETS OF CHICKEN.

AND WHY DO I LET IT GET TO ME? I'LL TELL YOU WHY,

'CAUSE YOU'VE SEEN THE THINGS THAT I'M PASSIONATE ABOUT.

NASCAR IS THE NUMBER ONE SPECTATOR SPORT IN OUR COUNTRY FOR THE LAST FOUR YEARS.

AND THAT KIND OF POWER AND INFLUENCE

THAT THEY HAVE ON THIS NATION, WHAT DO THEY GIVE US,

COLLECTIBLE BUCKETS OF CHICKEN.

AND I GET UP HERE AND TRY TO FIGURE OUT

WHERE ALL THE FAT KIDSARE COMING FROM.

MAKES SENSE, NOW DOESN'T IT PEOPLE?

WE GOTTA PUT A STOP TO IT.

YOU KNOW THERE'S PARENTS AT HOME GOIN, "SEE THAT BOBBY,

"HOW HE SITS THERE ANDTURNS THE WHEEL, M'KAY?

THAT'S RIGHT, THAT'S AN ATHLETE."

NEW YORK CITY, I'M JOSH SNEED, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

- YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN AWESOME. - [CHEER, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

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