CC Presents: Rory Albanese

  • Season 14, Ep 13
  • 01/11/2010

AFTER COLLEGE, SOME FRIENDS ANDI DECIDED, "LET'S GO TO EUROPE.

"YOU KNOW,LET'S DO THAT GENERIC THING

WHERE YOU SAVE UP SOME MONEYAND YOU GO TO EUROPE."

WE DID IT. WE BASICALLYDIDN'T SMOKE WEED FOR A WEEK.

WE HAD ENOUGH MONEY TO GOTO EUROPE FOR LIKE SIX MONTHS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

IT'S AMAZING HOW THAT ADDS UP.

AND WE FIGURED, "LET'S --LET'S -- LET'S EASE INTO IT.

LET'S DIP OUR TOES INTOTHE EUROPEAN WATERS," YOU KNOW?

SO WE SAID, "LET'S GO TO LONDON,

"YOU KNOW, WHERE THEY SPEAK,LIKE, GAY ENGLISH.

WE CAN GET BY."

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND, YOU KNOW, YOU DON'T WANT TOSTART WITH A FOREIGN LANGUAGE.

LIKE, I'M NOT GONNA LEARN ONE.HELLO? [ LAUGHS ]

I'VE GOT OTHER STUFF TO DO.

AND SO, WE START IN LONDON.

THE FIRST THING WE DO, 'CAUSEWE'RE 22, IS WE GO TO A PUB.

THAT'S WHAT YOU DO.

FIRST NIGHT -- BOOM --WE'RE DRINKING, HAVING A BLAST.

NOW, I DIDN'T KNOW THIS ABOUTLONDON UNTIL I GOT THERE,

BUT THEIR PUBS CLOSE AT 2:00IN THE MORNING, OKAY?

WHICH IS DISAPPOINTING,'CAUSE I'M FROM HERE, ALL RIGHT?

AND THEY ALSO DON'T WARN YOUABOUT LAST CALL,

WHICH IS DISAPPOINTING,'CAUSE THAT'S NOT COOL, OKAY?

THEY JUST FLICK THE LIGHTS ON.

SO I'M TALKING TO A GIRLFOR LIKE THREE HOURS.

ALL OF THE SUDDEN, IT'S LIKE...

SHE'S LIKE, "YOU'RE NOT BLACK,"AND SHE JUST RUNS AWAY.

"NO. NO! COME ON!

"JESUS!

"JESUS, BRITISH BASTARD,HOOK A GUY UP!

JUST GIVE ME A LITTLE NODOR SOMETHING."

SO THEN WE LEAVE, YOU KNOW?WE LEAVE.

THERE'S THREE THINGS THAT YOUWANT TO DO WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK,

AND THE FIRST ONE RAN AWAYWHEN THE FLUORESCENTS CAME ON.

AND THEN THE SECOND ONE IS EAT.

NOW WE'RE WANDERINGAROUND LONDON,

YOU KNOW,A BUNCH OF DRUNK AMERICANS,

FIVE OF US LOOKING FOR FOOD.

NOTHING IS OPEN.

AND I'M GETTING MAD, 'CAUSE,YOU KNOW, WHY WOULDN'T I?

I MEAN, IT'S MY RIGHT.IT'S MY RIGHT.

AND I'M JUST GOING,"WHAT THE HELL, LONDON?

"GET SOME GREEK PEOPLE.OPEN A DINER.

OPEN A DINER!"

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

"I WANT A DINER!"

"I WANT SOME CHEESE FRIESAND GRAVY, GOD DAMN IT!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND ALL OF THE SUDDEN,I SEE THIS LIGHT IN THE DI--

WHAT IS THAT?

YOU KNOW, IS THAT SOME SORTOF EUROPEAN SUNRISE?

IS THAT THE AURORA BOREALIS?

I DON'T KNOW.

YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS?

THE GOLDEN ARCHES --SHIGUM, SHIGUM --

LIT UP IN RAW NEON,JUST LIKE, "WAA!"

THAT NEON BUZZ, LIKE, "U.S.A.!

WELCOME HOME."

AND WE'RE LIKE,"HELL YEAH," YOU KNOW?

AND WE, LIKE, HIT THAT PLACELIKE A NAVY S.E.A.L. TEAM.

YOU KNOW, I'M LIKE...

I'M LIKE, "WACHOWSKI, GRAB ATABLE THREE CLICKS TO THE RIGHT.

"JOHNSON, YOU'RE ON STRAWS.

"GO, GO, GO!

"I GOT THE FOOD.I GOT THE FOOD," YOU KNOW?

WE'RE ORGANIZED.WE KNOW WHAT WE'RE DOING.

AND I'M NOT GONNA LIE TO YOU.

I'M BEING A LITTLE BITOBNOXIOUS, YOU KNOW?

I'M ORDERING HAPPY MEALSFOR EVERYBODY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

YOU KNOW, AT ONE POINT,I'M PRETENDING I'M BRITISH.

I PUT IN, LIKE,A PICKLE MONOCLE.

I'M LIKE, [ British accent ]"'ELLO, I'M A BRITISH PERSON.

"'ELLO, 'ELLO, 'ELLO, 'ELLO.

'ELLO?"

[ Normal voice ]I PUT IN BAD FRENCH-FRY TEETH.

I'M LIKE, [ British accent ]"WINSTON CHURCHILL

IS MY HERO," YOU KNOW?

[ Normal voice ]I DON'T KNOW.

[ British accent ]"BENNY HILL IS THE BEST."

I DON'T KNOW THAT MUCH.

BUT I KNOW THIS.I'M ENJOYING MY YOUTH.

THAT'S WHAT I KNOW.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I KNOW THAT.

AND HOW MANY TIMESDO YOU GET TO --

[ APPLAUSE ]YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.

I'M ENJOYING MY YOUTH.

[ APPLAUSE ]

AND IN THE MIDST --

IN THE MIDST OF THIS JUST JOY,PURE JOY, COMES A GIRL,

AND SHE'S PRETTY,AND SHE'S YOUNG.

AND THIS IS A BIG Mc-- THIS WASAS BIG AS THIS THEATER.

AND FROM ACROSSTHIS GIANT McDONALD'S

COMES A PRETTY YOUNG GIRL.

AND I'M THINKING, "OH, YEAH.

"SHE KNOWS.

SHE KNOWS A CATCHWHEN SHE SEES ONE," YOU KNOW?

"SHE KNOWS WHO TO TAKE HOMETO MOMMY."

COMES OVER TO MY TABLE --I KID YOU NOT --

COMES OVER TO MY TABLE,STOPS,

STANDS OVER ME, AND SAYS THIS --TRUE STORY --

"IT'S PEOPLE LIKE YOU THAT GIVEAMERICANS A BAD NAME OVERSEAS."

[ LAUGHTER ]

WHICH IS PERFECT,'CAUSE NOW COMES THE THIRD THING

I WANT TO DO WHEN I'M DRUNK,WHICH IS FIGHT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND I'LL PUNCH A GIRLIF I HAVE TO.

I MEAN...IF I HAVE TO.

AND AT FIRST, I DON'T REALLYHEAR IT, YOU KNOW,

'CAUSE I'M TRYINGTO GET THE HAMBURGLAR

OUT OF PRISON ON THE MAZE.

"ALL RIGHT, WE CAN DO THIS.

"THE FRY GUYSCAN'T BE EVERYWHERE.

"JUST GOT TO GETTO HAMBURGER PALACE.

JUST THINK.THINK, GOD DAMN IT!"

AND I SAY TO HER,"SAY THAT AGAIN."

I TAKE OUT MY MONOCLEAND MY TEETH.

[ LAUGHTER ]

'CAUSE NOW I WANT TO BERESPECTED.

AND SHE SAYS,"THE WAY YOU'RE ACTING

IS THE REASON EUROPEANSHATE AMERICANS."

AND THIS IS WHAT I SAID --TRUE STORY --

"DO YOU KNOWWHERE YOU ARE RIGHT NOW?

"BECAUSE YOU'RE IN McDONALD'S.

THIS IS AMERICAN SOIL."

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

"YOU MIGHT AS WELL BEAT THE [BLEEP] EMBASSY.

"YOU MIGHT AS WELL BEAT THE EMBASSY, SWEETHEART,

"'CAUSE NOBODY TELLS MEHOW TO ACT IN McDONALD'S.

"NOBODY DOES.

"NOBODY DOES.

"I GREW UP AT McDONALD'S.

"I'VE HAD LIKE 22 BIRTHDAYPARTIES AT McDONALD'S, OKAY?

"I JUMPED IN THE BALL PITFULL OF PEE.

"I'VE TAKEN PICTURESWITH GRIMACE

"I DON'T EVEN WANTON THE INTERNET.

"I ATE THE McRIB.

THE McRIB -- I ATE IT!"

I ATE IT! YES.

A DELICIOUS SANDWICH.

AND HERE WAS THE CRAZY PART.

EVERY TIME I ATE THE McRIB,I GO,

"OH, NO, THERE'S BONESIN MY RIB SANDWICH."

TAKE A BITE. NO BONES.

"HOLY [BLEEP]"

[ LAUGHTER ]

"I WONDERHOW THEY FIGURED IT OUT?

"OH, I KNOW HOW.

THEY'RE AMERICANS.THEY'RE SMART."

[ LAUGHTER ]

SO I SAID TO HER,

"WHERE WERE YOUWHEN I WAS EATING THE McRIB?"

AND I TOOK A GUESS."CANADA?"

BOOM -- SHE STARTS CRYING.AND I WAS LIKE, "YES!"

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

"THIS IS SUCH A GREAT NIGHT.

I JUST MADE HER CRY."

AND THEN --THIS WAS THE PART WHERE,

YOU KNOW, I SORT OFWASN'T EXPECTING --

WAS HER GIANT BOYFRIEND[CHUCKLES]

WHO CAME ACROSS THE McDONALD'SAND -- AND WAS BIGGER THAN ME,

WHICH I GUESS ISN'T THAT HARD.

AND BASED ON THE NUMBER OF TEETHIN HIS MOUTH,

I'M GUESSING HAD PLAYEDSOME HOCKEY UP THERE IN CANADA.

OR MAYBE HE ATETHE CANADIAN RIB SANDWICH,

WHICH DOES HAVE THE BONES,

BECAUSE THERE'S NO SHOTTHEY CAN PULL THEM OUT.

I'LL TELL YOU THAT.

AND THEN...HE COMES OVER TO ME,AND I DON'T KNOW.

I KIND OF BLACK OUT HEREFOR LIKE A 10-MINUTE WINDOW.

BUT I'M A DICK.I CAN TELL YOU THAT.

I DON'T SAY NICE THINGS TO HIM.

AND THEN I REMEMBER HIMTHROWING OFF HOCKEY GLOVES,

WHICH WHY IS HE WEARING THEM?

I MAY HAVE ADDED THAT.I DON'T KNOW.

BUT THAT'S NOT A GOOD SIGN.

THEN MY SHIRT'S OVER MY HEAD,

AND I'M BEING DRAGGED OUTOF THE McDONALD'S, OKAY?

ON MY WAY OUT, I REALIZE --I SAY, "I HAVE A CHOICE HERE.

"I CAN LOSE THE BATTLEAND THE WAR.

I HAVE A CHOICE, OR I CAN LOSETHE BATTLE AND WIN THE WAR."

AND I SAID,"I'M GOING TO WIN THIS WAR."

AND I GRAB THE DOOR.

AND I GRAB HOLD,AND HE'S PULLING ME.

AND I KNOW I HAVELIKE 10 SECONDS.

AND I'M THINKING -- I'M LOOKINGAT ALL THE FREAKS AND WEIRDOS

IN THE LATE-NIGHT McDONALD'S,AND I'M THINKING --

AND I GO LIKE THIS.

"U.S.A. MOTHER[BLEEP]"

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

YEAH.I DID THAT FOR YOU PEOPLE.

I DID THAT FOR YOU --ALL OF YOU.

EVEN THEM.

YES.

I LOVE THIS COUNTRY.

I LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT IT.

I LOVE THAT WHEN I GOTO THE MIDWEST,

EVERYTHING THERE IS SOAKED INBUTTER AND CHEESE -- EVERYTHING.

YOU GO TO A RESTAURANT,NOT EVEN AN OPTION.

THEY'RE JUST LIKE,

"WHAT KIND OF CHEESEDO YOU WANT ON THAT, SIR?"

AND I'M LIKE,"WELL, SINCE IT'S CHINESE FOOD,

I'M GONNA GO WITH NONE."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"BUT I LIKEWHERE YOUR BRAIN WENT, PAL.

"I LIKE THE FACT THATYOU THOUGHT A BRICK OF CHEDDAR

"COULD INCREASETHE DELICIOUSNESS

"OF MY GENERAL TSO'S CHICKEN.

THAT IS -- THAT IS A GOOD THINGTO BE THINKING."

IT'S COOL.

I LIKE --I LOVE THAT IN THIS COUNTRY --

THIS IS THE FASCINATING PARTOF OUR CULTURE --

CHILDRENWHO CAN'T PAY ATTENTION --

FOLLOW THIS SENTENCE --CHILDREN WHO CAN'T PAY ATTENTION

ARE CONSIDERED, UM,TO HAVE A DISORDER.

CHILDRENWHO CAN'T PAY ATTENTION.

"I DON'T KNOW.HE JUST WON'T FOCUS."

"HE COULD BE 7.

"THAT COULD BE --COULD BE THE ISSUE.

"YOU'RE -- YOU'RE SUPPOSEDTO LICK TREES WHEN YOU'RE 7.

I DON'T KNOW."

[ LAUGHTER ]

IT'S REALLY THE ONLY TIMEIT'S REMOTELY APPROPRIATE,

ACTUALLY, TO LICK A TREE.

FOUND THAT OUT THE HARD WAY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

A.D.D. IS A CAUSEI WANT TO CHAMPION, OKAY?

[ LAUGHTER ]

IT'S A CAUSE I WANT TO CHAMPION.

SO HERE'S WHAT I DID.

THIS PAST SUMMER, I DECIDED,"I'M GONNA HELP THESE KIDS.

"I'M GONNA GET OUT THERE.

I'M GONNA GET MY HANDS --I'M GONNA HELP THESE KIDS."

I BOUGHT A BUNCH OF LANDIN UPSTATE NEW YORK, OKAY,

AND I BUILT A BUNCH OF CABINSAND BUNKS AND THINGS ON IT.

FIGURED I'M GONNA START A SUMMERPROGRAM FOR KIDS WITH A.D.D.

I DON'T KNOW.NO ONE SHOWED UP.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I DID WRONG.

I WAS CALLING ITCONCENTRATION CAMP.

I DON'T...

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

I'M NOT SURE WHAT HAPPENED.

I DON'T KNOW.

I MIGHT -- I MIGHT HAVE TO GIVE

DONNIE DEUTSCH A CALLABOUT THAT,

SEE IF THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG.

I, UH...

I REALLY DON'T -- I KNOWTHAT THE ECONOMY'S IN TROUBLE.

I KNOW THAT.

AND I KNOW THATBECAUSE PEOPLE TELL ME

AND THE NEWSKEEPS TALKING ABOUT IT.

SO THAT'S ALL I KNOW.

I CAN'T -- LIKE, IN FACT,I USE IT AS SMALL TALK.

INSTEAD OF SAYING,"HOW'S THE WEATHER?"

I'LL JUST GO UPTO, LIKE, AN ELEVATOR,

YOU KNOW, AND THERE'S SOMEBODYSTANDING THERE,

AND I'LL DO ONE OF THESE,

"HEY, MAN, THE ECONOMY, HUH?

[ WHISTLES ]THAT'S -- THAT'S CRAZY."

AND THEN I JUST PRAY TO GOD IT'SNOT LIKE 1 IN 5 BILLION PERSON

THAT CAN, LIKE,ACTUALLY RESPOND TO THAT.

HE'S LIKE, "ACTUALLY, IF YOUSHORT-SELL YOUR PORTFOLIO,"

AND I'M LIKE, "OH, CRAP.

NOW I HAVE TO TALK ABOUT THIS."

SO THEN I ALWAYS HAVETO AWKWARDLY GET OUT OF IT.

LIKE, I'LL JUST LOOK AT HIMAND BE LIKE, "I LIKE PENGUINS."

AND I JUST RUN AWAY,LIKE, "I'LL TAKE THE STAIRS!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

I AM PSYCHED TO BE HEREIN NEW YORK CITY.

YEAH! YEAH!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

I GOT TO SAY, THOUGH,IT'S MAINLY 'CAUSE I LIVE HERE,

WHICH MEANS I JUST GET TO GOHOME RIGHT AFTER THIS,

WHICH IS PRETTY AWESOME.

WAS LITTLE BUMMED OUTABOUT THE WEATHER.

I FELT BAD,ESPECIALLY FOR THE LADIES.

DECIDED TO PUT THE OLD PANTHERSBACK IN THEIR CAGE.

THINK YOU KNOWWHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

TO PUT THE OLD POTATOESBACK IN THE GARDEN.

I REALIZE IF YOU USETHE GUIDO VOICE,

YOU CAN CALL YOUR BICEPSANYTHING,

AS LONG AS IT'S, LIKE, A NOUN,YOU KNOW?

[ Guido accent ]WHAT DO YOU LIKE,TABLECLOTHS AND LAMPSHADES?

WHAT'S UP, SWEETHEART?

[ LAUGHTER ]

'SUP.

REALLY, REALLY.

[ APPLAUSE ]

[ Normal voice ] IT'S WEIRD.

THAT WHOLE CONCEPT TO MEIS WEIRD,

LIKE, YOU KNOW,CHANGING THINGS ON YOUR BODY,

NAMING YOUR BODY PARTS.

I LIKE WHEN TOUGH GUYSLIKE TO NAME THEIR PENISES.

THAT'S ALWAYS WEIRD.

IF YOU'RE REALLY TOUGH, YOU GIVEYOUR PENIS A FEMALE NAME.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THAT'S A MAN.

SHOW UP TO AN ORGY LIKE,"LADIES, MEET KAREN."

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

"GRETCHEN AND I WOULD LIKETO HAVE SEX WITH YOU."

[ LAUGHTER ]

ONE THING I DO KNOWABOUT THE ECONOMY

IS -- IS -- IS SOMETHINGI'VE READ INTO A LITTLE BIT

AND -- AND -- AND STUDIED UP ONIS -- IS -- IS OUTSOURCING.

IT'S THE ONE FACET OFTHE ECONOMY THAT I'M AWARE OF.

AND I KNOW ABOUT THISBECAUSE THEY'RE TAKING OUR JOBS

AND PUTTING THEM OVERSEAS,SPECIFICALLY TO INDIA, OKAY?

AND THOMAS FRIEDMAN, WHO WRITESFOR "THE NEW YORK TIMES" --

I KNOW, SHOCKING.FRIEDMAN FOR "THE TIMES," HUH?

DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING.

[ LAUGHTER ]

FRIEDMAN UNCOVERED SOMETHINGABOUT OUTSOURCING

THAT BOTHERED ME MORE

THAN THE FACTTHAT THEY'RE STEALING OUR JOBS,

AND IT'S SIMPLE, IT'S THIS --

IT'S THE FACT THAT --AND THIS IS TRUE --

THEY'RE TEACHING PEOPLE IN INDIATO SPEAK WITH AMERICAN ACCENTS.

SO IT'S LIKE, "OH, OKAY,SO YOU'RE GONNA STEAL OUR JOBS,

"AND THEN YOU'RE GONNA LIE TO MEABOUT IT?

[BLEEP] YOU, OKAY?"

NO.I'M OUT ON THAT ONE.

NO WAY, OKAY?

NO WAY, BANK.I'M NOT DEALING WITH THAT.

SO I-I-I-I WATCHEDTHIS DOCUMENTARY HE DID,

AND HE UNCOVERED A WEAKNESSTHAT INDIAN PEOPLE HAVE

WHEN THEY LEARN TO SPEAKWITH AMERICAN ACCENTS, OKAY?

IT'S GONNA SOUND RACIST,BUT IT'S NOT,

BECAUSE IT'S COMPLETELY TRUE.

IT IS.

FRIEDMAN UNCOVEREDTHAT PEOPLE IN INDIA

HAVE A HARD TIMESAYING THE LONG "OO" VOWEL,

OKAY, WITH AN AMERICAN ACCENT.

WORD LIKE "NOODLE."

WHEN I SAY IT,YOU GUYS ARE LIKE,

"MAN, LET'S GO OUTFOR SOME NOODLES TONIGHT.

THAT SOUNDS INCREDIBLE."

BUT WHEN AN INDIAN PERSONSAYS IT,

THEY SAY "NUDLE" EVERY TIME.

NUDLE, NUDLE.THEY CAN'T DO IT.

I DON'T KNOW WHY.I DIDN'T MAKE INDIAN PEOPLE.

IT'S NOT MY PROBLEM.

I DIDN'T DO IT.I DON'T KNOW.

I DON'T KNOW WHO DID.

[ LAUGHTER ]

SO WHAT I'LL DOIS I'LL CALL MY BANK

AT LIKE 3:00 IN THE MORNING,

A TIME I KNOW NO AMERICANIS PICKING UP THE PHONE, OKAY?

AND I WILL --YOU KNOW, THE GUY PICKS UP.

HE'S LIKE, "HI, THIS IS TODD."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"THIS IS TODD FROM OHIO.HOW ARE YOU DOING?"

AND I'M LIKE,"I AM SO ON TO YOU, TODD."

[ LAUGHTER ]

'CAUSE I KNOW IT'S REALLY LIKEKABIR IN NEW DELHI, YOU KNOW?

BUT THEN I FIGURE, LIKE,I GOT TO BAIT HIM A LITTLE BIT.

I GOT TO PULL HIM IN, YOU KNOW,'CAUSE I WANT TO BEFRIEND HIM

BEFORE I HIT HIM WITH, YOU KNOW,THE JAWBREAKER, YOU KNOW?

THE FATALITYWHERE I PULL OUT HIS HEART.

I'M LIKE [LAUGHS MANIACALLY]

"FEAR ME,PEOPLE IN THE PHONE CENTERS."

[ GRUNTS ]

SO AND I'LL DRAW THEM INA LITTLE BIT.

I'LL THROW SOME, LIKE, LOCALREFERENCE TOWARDS HIM, YOU KNOW?

I'LL BE LIKE, "OH,THIS BRETT FAVRETHING'S PRETTY CRAZY."

AND HE'S LIKE, "YES."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"THAT THING YOU SAID IS ODD."

AND I'M LIKE, "OH.

I SMELL YOUR FEAR, TODD."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"I SMELL YOUR FEARTHROUGH THE PHONE --

THROUGH THE PHONE."

AND THEN I'LL, LIKE --I'LL, LIKE, REEL THEM IN.

I'LL GIVE THEM, LIKE,A NICKNAME, YOU KNOW?

I'M LIKE, "ALL RIGHT, TODDSTER.HOT TODDY."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"LET'S DO THIS."

"WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU TONIGHT,MR. ALBANESE?"

I'M LIKE, "WELL, TODD, I'D LIKETO CHECK MY ACCOUNT BALANCE."

"OKAY, SIR.CAN I HAVE YOUR HOME ADDRESS?"

"SURE CAN, TODD.

"TODDY LITTLE DING-DANG.[ CHUCKLES ]

WE'RE SUCH GOOD PALS NOW."[ LAUGHS ]

"AND WHERE DO YOU LIVE, SIR?"

"I LIVE AT 142."AND HERE'S THE TRICK.

WHEN YOU DO THIS TONIGHT --

AND YOU WILL,'CAUSE IT'S ADDICTIVE...

[ LAUGHTER ]

...YOU HAVE TO MAKE SUREYOU CALL A PLACE

THAT HAS THE PROTOCOL WHERETHEY REPEAT EVERYTHING YOU SAY.

'CAUSE IF THEY DON'T,IT WON'T WORK.

MOST OF THEM DO, BUT JUSTHANG UP IF THEY DON'T DO IT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

CHANGE BANKS.THAT'S WHAT I DID.

[ LAUGHTER ]

SO -- SO HE SAYS, "ALL RIGHT.HOME ADDRESS?"

"NO PROBLEM, YOU KNOW,TODD MUFFIN.

"I LIVE AT 142 -- THAT'S 142 --

EAST -- EAST POODLE STREET."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"I'M SORRY, SIR.WHAT STREET WAS THAT?"

"OH, NO PROBLEM, TODD.THAT'S P-O-O-D-L-E.

"IT'S A LITTLE, CRAPPYWHITE DOG, YOU KNOW?

"SURE YOU HAVE THEMOUT THERE IN WISCONSIN

OR WHEREVER IT IS YOU'RE FROM."[ LAUGHS ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND HE SAYS,"YES, SIR, OF COURSE WE DO.

THAT'S 142 PUDLE STREET."

AND I GO, "YEAH,MOTHER[BLEEP] YEAH!"

AND THEN IT'S, "U.S.A.!"AND I HANG UP THE PHONE.

BOOM!

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