George Mason University accidentally rebrands its law school as ASSOL, and Larry checks in on the presidential primaries with Wendell Pierce, Mike Yard and Franchesca Ramsey.
Thank you very much.
Thank you so much.
Man, what a great crowd tonight.
Welcome to The Nightly Show. I am Larry Wilmore.
Man... Thank you...thank you so much, you guys.
Wendell Pierceis on the panel tonight.
I'm very excitedabout that, guys.
Very excited.This man is an amazing actor.
He plays... Oh, he playsU.S. Supreme Court Justice
Clarence Thomas in HBO'supcoming Confirmation,
and, um, we'll ask himif it's a speaking role.
Hmm? Hmm? Hmm?
Why... why I got no lines, HBO?
Why I got no lines?
That's howthe casting meeting went. Okay.
Oh, but firstI want to talk about
another Supreme Court justice,uh, with no pulse--
um, Antonin Scalia.Now...
as you may remember, Scaliapassed away recently when he was
allegedly not murderedby one of these five pillows.
All right?I'm just saying.
I'm the messenger, you guys,I'm the messenger.
But even as a ghostin search of vengeance,
Scalia is makingcontroversial news.
Law studentsat George Mason University
are worried a name change
could pigeonholetheir future careers.
The law school
announced it will change its name
to the Antonin Scalia School of Law
to honor the late Supreme Court justice.
Well, it didn't take longfor the Internet--
-you know where I'm going,right? -(laughing)
Yeah. This was... this is whatI love about the Internet.
It didn't take long... take longfor them to figure out that
the acronym for the AntoninScalia School of Law is...
Good on you, Internet.Good on you.
Make people double-checkthat (bleep), man.
I got to say,that name was still better
than their original pitch:the Antonin Scalia
School of World InterpretativePhilosophical Enlightenment.
I don't know.
Maybe it's a tie.Maybe it's a tie.
You guys are sick. We gota sick crowd here tonight, man.
Okay, now we goto Louisiana, uh,
the state that brought usTyler Perry's Tyler Perry and...
and former top secret
presidential candidateBobby Jindal.
Uh, but, unfortunately, thisweek Louisiana has also proven
it's a statethat has brought the cray.
SINGERS:♪ That state is cray!
All right. I-It is nowofficially a cray state.
Why? Check outwhich big-time criminal
Louisiana policefinally brought to justice.
REPORTER: A Louisiana man could be spending
20 years to life in prison. His crime?
He apparently has a big sweet tooth.
Well, okay, well, "sweet tooth"must mean something
really horrible,like he has a taste
for sweet blue meth, right?
Or... or-or he cravesthe ultimate forbidden fruit--
that sweet, sweet human flesh,
aka nature's candy.
All right,I'm a little bit scared.
What'd he do?
REPORTER: 34-year-old Jacobia Grimes,
a career shoplifter, is accused of stealing
$31 worth of candy bars from a dollar store.
You have to be(bleep) kidding me.
20 years for stealing$31 worth of candy?
I mean, sure, it'sa dollar store, which means
he stole 31 pieces of candy,which, I agree,
is pretty hostile.But, still--
Guys, this countrynever ceases to amaze me.
No, ser... It's-it's wherethe people on Wall Street
can rip off everyoneof billions of dollars,
they don't get a minute in jail.
Meanwhile, a brother in theBayou's got sticky fingers
for Butterfingers, and...Right?
And we got to give himthe full Andy Dufresne. Right?
Shawshank. Shawshank. Yeah.Modern classic.
So how is a guy who hasn't evenshoplifted enough candy
to fill a Halloween bucketgetting sentenced to 20 to life?
REPORTER: Now he's being charged by prosecutors
under the state's habitual offender law,
which is why he could be facing a heftier sentence.
So, he's been caught five times,but for petty crimes.
I mean, shouldn't there besome sort of distinction
for the type of crime?
Just because something hashappened before doesn't mean
someone should go to jailfor decades.
Well, except for whoever keepsrebooting Spider-Man. Um...
I don't need to seeUncle Ben die again.
Stop it.My heart hurts, you guys.
But this is the problemwith habitual offender laws,
or-or three strikesor mandatory minimums.
It takes the most crucial aspectaway from being a judge:
Right? All that's leftis the gaveling.
Which, you know, they love that.I understand it's fun.
But laws are kept in checkby judicial wisdom.
The two go together like,I don't know,
peanut butter and... nougat.
Um... something like that.
Now, there is a reasonfor these kinds of laws.
It just has nothingto do with justice.
REPORTER: In 2012, the Times-Picayune pointed out
that Louisiana has more prisoners per capita
than any state in the nation, and that the majority of them
are held at for-profit facilities.
That's just beautiful.
Jailing people for profit.
Well, this is what happens whenyou take racism out of policing.
You have to createanother incentive: money.
Something's got to motivatethe justice system.
If it's not black,it's gonna be green.
Here with more on this story
is, uh, candy punishment expertWilliam Wonka.
-Yes, hello, Larry!-(cheering, applause)
Splendiferous to be here.
Okay, so, William,so, you've been known
to punish peoplefor candy-based crimes.
-Oh, yeah. -What do you make ofthe situation, uh, in Louisiana?
I-I look at it as one does:in pure candy terms.
To me, the criminaljustice system in Louisiana
is like a big boxof Gobstoppers.
-Yes.-Oh... yeah, I get it.
So, you say...you're saying it's sweet?
No, no. I'm saying that oncea person gets in the system,
he's servingan everlasting amount of time.
Okay, that makes sense.Okay, but why is it happening?
Why is mandatory sentencingso strict?
Well, mandatory sentencingis like a PayDay bar.
As long as the governmentkeeps putting people in jail,
then everybody getsa big, fat, (bleep) payday!
La, la, la, la, la.
-So cool!-You got a salty mouth there
-for a guy who works in sweets,William, but... -Right.
You're pretty goodat these analogies. These...
-uh, they're kind of succinct.-Indeed I am, indeed I am.
-Okay.-But for-profit prisons
-are just like candy factories,you know? -All right.
They need raw materialslike chocolate
in order to-to churn outdelicious profits.
It's the same for prisons.
They also need chocolateto make money,
-but for them... Yes. Oh, yes.-(groaning)
-But their chocolate isthe blacks. That's right. -Yeah.
I think, uh... I think theywere ahead of you on that one.
Yes. A little bit.
-Somebody likes candy! Quite.-Sounds like... Yes.
Sounds like these prisonsare chocoholics,
-if you ask me.-Ooh. Big-time. Big-time.
Well, I'm glad to hearthat someone who's, you know,
kind of famousfor harsh candy punishment
is so progressive on this issue.You know, let me just ask you,
out of curiosity, do you thinksomeone should serve 20 years
to life if they stole,like, some of your, uh,
famous fizzy lifting drink?
Oh. O-Of course not.Don't be absurd.
-They-they shouldn't goto prison. -Oh. Good, good.
The penalty must be death!
Stealing candyis the highest crime of my land!
Violet Beauregarde's bodyis currently on the bottom
of the ocean floor, nextto bin Laden's, as it should be!
-Oh, my God. William, I thinkI... -As it should be!
I think I misread... What?
-What are you talking about?-Hey! Hey!
That's not your marshmallow!
-Oompa Loompas, fire upthe electric chair! -William,
-calm down. -I wantthe lights flickering here
-in five minutes, tops!-Calm down, William. Calm down.
-Okay. William Wonka, everybody.Calm down, -Nougat-board him!
William. Calm down.We'll be right back!
-We'll be right back.William, calm down. -My candy!
Welcome back! There was anotherpresidential primary last night,
so let's check inwith the ongoing effort
to de-melanize1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.
That's right.It's time for the Unblackening.
(dramatic music playing)
(humming)Sorry, got lost in the song.
Yesterday, the GOP race movedto Wisconsin,
where Donald Trumpfinally got to meet
his long-lost hair cousins.
Still, the good peopleof Wisconsin seemed to have
more love last night fortheir Canadian-born neighbor.
REPORTER: Cruz won 48% of the Republican vote,
beating Trump by double digits.
Guys,it's-it's fascinating to me
that the GOP is coming togetheraround Ted Cruz,
a guy so many of themdeeply despise.
I don't get it. You know what,it's like that time, um, I,
a-a Lakers fan, had to spend aseason playing for the Celtics.
I won you a championship,but I hated every minute of it.
But the hated Cruz actually hasthe Trump campaign on the ropes.
REPORTER: "Cruz," the campaign said, "is worse than a puppet--
"he is a Trojan horse, being used by the party bosses
to steal the nomination."
If Ted Cruz is a Tro-Trojanhorse, what's inside him?
Besides thousands ofwrithing cicadas crawling around
in his ill-fitting skin suit.Right?
But the only reasonCruz has a chance
is voters are so uncomfortableabout Trump.
More than one in three Republican voters said
they'd be scared if Trump were elected president,
according to CBS News exit polls.
On the scale of "thingsRepublicans are scared about,"
that's right between immigration
and women's mystery crotch pouchthingy.
So it's right up there.They're very close.
So now Cruz has momentum.There's a real chance
he could turn thisinto a contested convention,
as long as he keeps, uh,
from saying anything,uh, too creepy.
Hillary, get ready.
Here we come.
Try explaining that one away.
No, it's Purell.
Hold on a second.
Oh, my God.
Uh, so the GOP establishment
is in large part responsiblefor Cruz's victory last night
because they poured money intoseveral anti-Trump super PACs,
like Our Principles, all right?Now, these super PACs spent
over $2 million in Wisconsinattacking Trump
so Cruz didn't have to.
So while the role of super PACscan't be underestimated
in this election,the details of how they work
can get a little confusing.
So here's rapper 2 Chainzto break it down
in a segment we call2 Chainz Explainz.
WOMAN:♪ 2 Chainz Explainz.
Hi, I'm 2 Chainz.
And super PACs areindependent political committees
funded by companies, unions,
or just a bunchof rich mother(bleep).
Super PACs have one goal.
Well, really three goals.
Get that money. Get that money.
And get that money.
Now, listen, there's no limit
to how much money they can raisefor their candidate.
Once they get that money,they use it to do all kind
of dirty stuff with it,like create attack ads.
You know what I'm saying?
So basically,super PACs are like... like...
super PACs are like trap queensfor the presidential candidates.
They hold you down,
they count your money,
and they attackall your enemies.
Anybody try to say something badabout you,
that's my type of girlright there.
And now we're not talkingabout small money.
Jeb Bush's super PAC raised $118million for his failed bil...
for his failed bidthis campaign season.
Super PACs are really like...
♪ I'm riding round,I'm gettin' it ♪
♪ I'm riding round, I'mgettin' it ♪
♪ I'm riding round,I'm gettin' it ♪
♪ It's mine, I spend it.
You know what I'm saying, Larry?
This has been2 Chainz Explainz, you guys!
-We'll be right back!-WOMAN: ♪ 2 Chainz
-(cheers and applause) -Welcomeback. I'm here with my panel.
First up, Nightly Show contributor Mike Yard.
(cheers and applause)
And Nightly Show contributorFranchesca Ramsey.
(cheers and applause)
And you can see him next playingJustice Clarence Thomas
in Confirmation, which airsSaturday April 16 on HBO,
-actor Wendell Pierce. Yeah.-(cheers and applause)
And for everyone at home,join our conversation
right now on Twitter@NightlyShow,
using the hashtag #Tonightly.
Okay, so, last night,we had the Wisconsin primary.
Uh, numbers came in.
Trump, the great outsider,was bested by Ted Cruz,
-the great hated one.-(laughter)
But the Republican Party hasbeen so obsessed with outsiders,
but now that Trump seemsto be on the downslide,
does it seem like the voters'obsession
with the outsidersis coming to an end,
or Trump's shtickis just wearing thin?
Oh, no, I think, uh,it's not wearing thin.
We just... You know,they're just taking a break.
-You know, they... -WILMORE:They're taking a break?
I think they're taking a break,and they're like,
"All right,we'll wait until New York
"and some other timeto raise our ugly heads.
"We still... you know,we love him no matter what.
"And I'm sitting here, and I'mputting some teeth in my mouth
"and drinking my beer.
"I'm still gonna vote for him,just like he said,
if he shoots somebody on 5thavenue." -WILMORE: Uh-huh.
I think that, you know, the GOPhas always been very good
to appeal to the largestvoting block out there--
-poor white folk.-WILMORE: Mm-hmm.
And no matter what, they putthe carrot on the stick
and say, "You know,if you vote for us,
you might become a memberof the rich white guy club."
Oh. That's true.
And so, they're like,"Yeah, I'm gonna vote for you,
even though it's againstmy best interest."
So, uh, they're just takinga little break.
YARD: I don't know.I think Trump...
-I don't know.-YARD: I think that's Trump...
The obsessionwith Trump is coming to an end.
-That's what it is.-You think so?
Yeah. I mean, you know,
there's only so many racesto vote for you out there.
-You know what I mean?-WILMORE: Yeah. -(laughter)
He gonna run out of raceseventually.
WILMORE: You're sayingthere's a cap on the races.
-Yeah, there's a cap on theraces, you know. -Yeah. Uh-huh.
He's not creating new ones.They've just been there waiting.
-Yeah. -And nowwe know who they are.
-So, mission accomplished,Trump. -(laughter)
-Yeah. -The whole...-(applause and cheering)
Showing us exactlywho they are.
-The whole point is to bring 'emout in the open. -PIERCE: Yeah.
Bring 'em out in the open, baby.
-PIERCE: Oh, man... -RAMSEY:For me, I never understood...
-Mm-hmm. -...why anyone lookedfor an outsider
-to be in the White House.-Yeah.
-Like, the presidency is areally big job. -WILMORE: Yeah.
-Yeah. -You want someonethat's qualified.
Like, if I needopen heart surgery,
-I want a surgeon,not a mechanic. -WILMORE: Yeah.
-PIERCE: Yeah. -(laughter)-You know?
I want someonethat's gonna be poking around
that knows my insides, notan outsider.
WILMORE:Right. I know.
So, that's always seemed reallykind of weird to me.
WILMORE:I don't get it, either.
YARD: That whole thing isbecause people don't know
how government works, I think.I think...
How could you saythat you want to give somebody
-the most powerful job onthe planet... -WILMORE: Mm-hmm.
-...but they can't do it?-WILMORE: Right. -PIERCE: Yeah.
-I know. -With no qualificationsto do that job,
but just go ahead,run the world.
Deal with Russia,Deal with North Korea. Go ahead.
I know you ain'tnever did (bleep)
-in your whole life meaningful.-PIERCE: But it's like...
-(laughter, applause) -I know.-I mean, what has he done
meaningful his entire life?
-Nothing.-WILMORE: And all the shade
thrown on Obama, and,"Well, he's inexperienced."
You're gonna bring in somebodywith no political experience.
But you know, it's like,all these people are voting for
-their drunk uncle at the party.-RAMSEY: Yes! Exactly.
Like, you know, who's alwayslike, "Yeah, I'm telling you."
-WILMORE: A druncle. -"You know,I don't know nothing about it,
but if I was president, I'd blowup everything." -WILMORE: Right.
-(Bleep). You know?-YARD: They at the barbecue.
"Hey, everybody get a nuclearbomb." No. You know.
-WILMORE: Right.-"I don't know
"what nuclear proliferation is,so (bleep),
-everybody get a bomb."You know? -(laughter)
Well, what do you thinkthe appeal is of Cruz?
I mean, he's not an outsider.
It's just that nobody likes him.
Does that make him an outsider,
the factthat people hate him so much?
You know, I think Cruz is beingpimped by the GOP.
WILMORE:Yeah. I think you're right.
Because they are saying,listen, as soon
as they get rid of Trump,they're going to be like,
"Brother, we're not goingto vote for you."
WILMORE:I think you're right.
-I'll tell you... -I...-"Thank you.
-"Thank you. You're job isdone." -Yeah.
"And now we're going to putsomebody else in...?"
I think it's bait and switch,too. I think they're using him.
And when that convention comes,like, Paul Ryan or somebody.
-PIERCE: Oh, oh, absolutely.Absolutely. -RAMSEY: Yeah.
That's what it feels like to me.
YARD:Yeah, Ted Cruz is a Cylon dog.
They gonna shut him down.
-WILMORE: A Cylon?!-He's a Cylon. Yeah. Yeah.
They're going to shut him downright after the convention.
-Yeah.-Gonna shut him down.
Wait. That means there'sanother one out there somewhere.
I wouldn't put anything pastthe GOP.
-PIERCE: That-that... -RAMSEY:Ted Cruz comes across as
-so awkward to me.-Yeah.
Like an alienthat studied humans,
but isn't, like, really...
-PIERCE: Yeah. -YARD: I'mtelling you, he's not real!
-...that good at it. -YARD:I'm with you. He's not real.
-WILMORE: Yeah.-It's really... It's real...
Like, you would think his stanceon Muslims and abortions...
-WILMORE: Yeah.-...would have
the Republicans liking him,but he just, like...
-He looks so awkward in thathuman suit. -WILMORE: Yeah.
I'm telling you,he's not a real person.
WILMORE: Yeah. Okay,I want to ask you a question
-about the Democratic side.So... -Yeah.
Hillary's being treatedlike this...
the party... a party insider,and Bernie's not.
How come Bernie's gettingoutsider status?
'Cause he's been in governmentfor a long time.
'Cause a lot of people didn'tknow he was in government.
Who is this dude?
He's been in congressfor, like, 30 years,
wrote a couple of bills,you know.
He was like, "Hey, where'sthe free lunch?" You know?
Uh, no, but I like Bernie.
Bernie is, you know, brilliant.
-He's bringing upall the issues. -Sure.
He was gonna bean issue candidate,
and then, you know,he caught fire,
and he's like, you know,this can... this can take off.
And I think he's gonna pushHillary, um, to the left.
He's gonna make surethat he's on the platform.
-Mm-hmm. -They're gonna give hima night of the convention.
You know, and then after that,you know,
they're gonna cut the deal andsay, "Bring your people along,
-let's, uh, let's winthis election." -Mm-hmm.
And... you know,the fact of the matter is,
he has exci...he has excited a huge electorate
of young people, and, uh,I think that's very important.
Do you think that'sgonna work against Hillary?
Because her excitement--they had numbers for this,
how excited people wereabout things,
and hers were pretty low--in fact, her unfavorables
and Trump's... Clinton and Trump
had the highest unfavorable among women.
That's unbelievable to me that they're leading.
YARD: It's like we're masochists.
I don't know.I'm gonna disagree. I just...
Why does Hillary havesuch a high one for women?
-Okay, well, on behalfof all women... -WILMORE: Yeah,
and answer for all women.
-No, I just think...-Oh, (bleep).
All right, no, (bleep) you.
No, no, no, (bleep) her.
How come... how come Hillaryhas such a high, uh,
-unfavorable...?-Hey, listen, man.
-Yeah, go for it. -I justplayed Clarence Thomas on TV.
RAMSEY:I'm just gonna keep it real.
-WILMORE (laughs): That's true.-I just have to say,
I think that maybe some womenjust don't like her politics.
-WILMORE: Yeah.-There's not some special rule
that says thatbecause she's a woman
-I have to vote for her. And...-But so high, but it's so high.
let me just say...
Ted Cruz scoredvery unfavorably with men,
-Yeah. -and it might be becausehis politics are (bleep,)
-or 'cause he'sthe Zodiac Killer. -Yeah.
-You guys tell me.-Right. -Yeah.
-I want you dudes to tell mewhich one it is. -You're right.
But lookingat all the candidates,
what candidate's, uh, policies
support womenmore than Hillary's?
You know, that's the thingthat I'm looking for.
-I mean, I can't...-Why wouldn't they vote for her?
For me,she comes across as fake.
Like that girl who never talkedto you in high school
until she was runningfor class president,
and, you know, suddenlyshe's like, "Cute outfit."
You're like,"Girl, you don't know me.
"Like, you've never spokento me before,
and now suddenly...now suddenly you care."
And that's... she comes acrossto me as authentic.
-WILMORE: Mm-hmm. -Personally,I'm still not really jazzed
about Bernie or Hillary, but I'm gonna do
what needs to be donecome November
-Mm-hmm.-so that we don't end up
-with Trump in the White House.-(cheering, applause)
I played Clarence Thomas,so I'm not gonna say nothing.
Sounds good to me.
We'll be right back.
If you live in New York City or are planning to visit,
grab tickets to The Nightly Show.
Okay! Thanks to my panel--it's Mike Yard,
Franchesca Ramsey,Wendell Pierce,
and William over here.
Uh, we're almost out of time,but before we go,
I'm gonna keep it 100.
Tonight's question is from anaudience member named Rebecca.
All right! Let's take a look.
Hey, Larry.(bleep), marry, kill:
Ann Coulter, Carly Fiorinaor Sarah Palin.
I am begging you to keep it 100.
-That's horrible!-Man! -(jeering, groaning)
-All right, I have to do this?-Come on, man. -Yeah.
(laughs):Uh, he's like, "Yeah."
All right,Sarah Palin has to die.
And then I don't careabout the other two.
I'll m...I'll marry Carly Fiorina
and I'll (bleep) Ann Coulter.
-Oh, no! Oh... no!-(groaning)
-Okay. -No, I'll give it to you,I'll give it to you.
Thanks for watching.Don't forget to ask me
your Keep It 100 questions onTwitter. Good Nightly, everyone.
Bitch better have my money,is all I got to say.
-♪ -(cheering, applause)