Stanton, Zager, Williams, Oscar

  • Season 9, Ep 909
  • 01/20/2006

Harris Stanton rips into minimum wage jobs, Rena Zager contracts quesadilla fever, Kevin Williams feels no gonorrhea shame, and Carlos Oscar watches Spanish "Scooby-Doo."

I LOVE THIS CITY.THERE'S SO MUCH TO DO.

I GOT INVITED TO THERUTGERS GAME TO SEE BASKETBALL.

I AIN'T GO, THOUGH.BECAUSE-- NAH, I GOT PARANOID.

I WAS AT THE DETROIT-INDIANA GAME

BACK WHEN THEY START ACTING THE FOOL.

SCARED ME. I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

WHAT ARE FANS DOING FIGHTING THE ATHLETES?

WHAT DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND ABOUT THE WORD "ATHLETE"?

THESE ARE HUMAN MACHINES. YOU DON'T WANNA FIGHT THEM.

I SAY FIGHT THE REFEREE. FIGHT THE BALL BOY.

BUT YOU DON'T WANNA FIGHT THEM.

THEY'RE IN THE GYM 24/7 LIFTING WEIGHTS.

AND WHEN THEY'RE NOT LIFTING WEIGHTS,

THEY'RE OUT THERE PLAYING AGAINST GUYS SEVEN FEET TALL.

HAVE YOU SEEN SHAQUILLE O'NEIL?

IT'S NOT A SPECIAL EFFECT.THE [BLEEP] REALLY IS THIS BIG.

YOU DON'T WANNA FIGHT THAT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I WAS KINDA SAD THAT MIAMI DIDN'T WIN THIS YEAR.

I WANTED TO SEE MIAMI DO IT.

ESPECIALLY BECAUSE IT WOULD HAVE BEEN POETIC JUSTICE

SINCE KOBE WAS SO, YOU KNOW, DISRESPECTFUL TO SHAQ.

EVERYBODY MAKE A BIG DEAL OUT OF SHAQUILLE O'NEIL

'CAUSE THEY SAY HE'S THE MOST DOMINANT PLAYER.

BUT THE DUDEIS LIKE NINE FEET TALL.IT'S KINDA UNFAIR.

HE PUT THE BALLIN THE BASKET LIKE THIS.

AND THEY TRY TO MAKE IT SOUND EXCITING. IT'S LIKE,

"OH, LOOK AT THAT TURNAROUND JUMPER BY SHAQUILLE O'NEIL."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

YOU NEW YORKERS DRINK.

THE COMMERCIALSINFLUENCE YOU TO DRINK?

YOU EVER SEE-- THEY LIE RIGHT, THE BEER COMMERCIAL?

THEY SHOW THE GUY AT THE BAR. HE'S ALL RIPPED WITH A BEER.

SHUT UP. YOU KNOW?SHOW A REAL BEER DRINKER.LAHHH! SHOW THE TRUTH.

AND HE'S ALWAYS WITH A BEAUTIFUL GIRL.

AH, HE DRINKS BEER-- SHOW THE TRUTH.

SHOW HIM AT 3:00 IN THE MORNING.

- [RETCHING] - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SHOW THE TRUTH.YEAH. RIGHT?

SHOW HIM WITH THE GIRL HE REALLY CAME HOME WITH,

THE ONE TOOTH-- "HEY, WHAT HAPPENED? WHAT HAPPENED?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND I'M MARRIED NOW. THINGS CHANGE.

YOU LADIES CHANGE FROM THE FIRST DATE.

REMEMBER THE FIRST DATE?

THEY NEVER EAT ON THE FIRST DATE, YOU LADIES.

THE FOOD COMES, "OH, IT'S-- OH-- TOO MUCH."

AREN'T YOU GONNA EAT? "NO, I ATE LAST WEEK."

YOU ATE-- EAT THE FOOD ALREADY! ATE LAST WEEK.

AND YOU HEAR THE STOMACHTHE WHOLE DINNER.

- [GARGLING SOUND] - [LAUGHTER]

CAN'T TAKE HER ANYMORE.IT'S NOT LIKE THAT.

DO YOU REMEMBER THE FOURTH DATE, GUYS?

THINGS CHANGE, HUH? FOURTH DATE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'VE GOT FOOD HITTIN' MY FACE. LIKE IT? YOU LIKE IT, YOU LIKE IT?

I GOTTA DEAL WITH THE KIDS. KIDS ARE DIFFERENT TODAY.

I TELL YOU, MAN, MY LITTLE DAUGHTER,

I KID-- TRUE STORY. SHE'S TURNING SIX.

I ASKED HER, "WHERE DO YOU WANNA GO FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY?"

SHE SAYS, "I WANNA GO TO LAS VEGAS." LAS VEGAS? SIX YEARS OLD.

'CAUSE SHE LIKES THE BIGHOTELS WITH THE POOLS.

AND I'M TRYING TO DISCOURAGE HER.

I GO, "NO, NO, NO, WE WENT WHEN YOU WERE FOUR.

"AND DO YOU REMEMBER WHAT YOU DID IN THE POOL?

YOU PEED IN THE POOL." AND SHE GOES, "SHHH, DADDY,

'WHAT HAPPENS IN VEGASSTAYS IN VEGAS.'"

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

SIX. AND NOW WE GOTTA TEACH HER SPANISH.

MY WIFE, "TEACH THE GIRLS SOME SPANISH, RIGHT?"

WE TEACH THEM SPANISH. OKAY NOW--

MY MOTHER-IN-LAW PUTS ON THE TV,

BUT SHE SWITCHES IT TO SPANISH MODE.

SO THEY'RE WATCHING THE MOVIE IN SPANISH.

THAT'S HOW THEY'RE GONNA LEARN?

THEY'RE WATCHING "SCOOBY DOO"? WHAT IS THAT?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND DON'T JUDGE THE PEOPLEBY THE LANGUAGE.

IT HAS NOTHIN' TO DO WITH THE PEOPLE.

MY BEST FRIEND--HE'S FILIPINO.

WHEN HE SPEAKS TO HIS MA--

HAVE YOU HEARD THAT LANGUAGE, TAGALO?

THAT'S THE QUICKEST LANGUAGE.

IT SOUNDS LIKE A CHICKEN FALLING DOWN SOME STAIRS.

YES IT DOES! YES IT DOES!

HE'S ON THE--YOU DIDN'T HEAR,

HE'S ON THE PHONE, [SPEAKING RAPIDLY]

I GO, "PICK UP THE CHICKEN."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

- CHICKEN BROKE A WING. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HE'S THERE TALKING TO HIS MOM...

AND THEY SAID,"I LOVE YOU. [SQUAWKS]"

I GO, "COME ON."