Stanton, Zager, Williams, Oscar

I LOVE THIS CITY.THERE'S SO MUCH TO DO.

I GOT INVITED TO THERUTGERS GAME TO SEE BASKETBALL.

I AIN'T GO, THOUGH.BECAUSE-- NAH, I GOT PARANOID.

I WAS AT THE DETROIT-INDIANA GAME

BACK WHEN THEY START ACTING THE FOOL.

SCARED ME. I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

WHAT ARE FANS DOING FIGHTING THE ATHLETES?

WHAT DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND ABOUT THE WORD "ATHLETE"?

THESE ARE HUMAN MACHINES. YOU DON'T WANNA FIGHT THEM.

I SAY FIGHT THE REFEREE. FIGHT THE BALL BOY.

BUT YOU DON'T WANNA FIGHT THEM.

THEY'RE IN THE GYM 24/7 LIFTING WEIGHTS.

AND WHEN THEY'RE NOT LIFTING WEIGHTS,

THEY'RE OUT THERE PLAYING AGAINST GUYS SEVEN FEET TALL.

HAVE YOU SEEN SHAQUILLE O'NEIL?

IT'S NOT A SPECIAL EFFECT.THE [BLEEP] REALLY IS THIS BIG.

YOU DON'T WANNA FIGHT THAT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I WAS KINDA SAD THAT MIAMI DIDN'T WIN THIS YEAR.

I WANTED TO SEE MIAMI DO IT.

ESPECIALLY BECAUSE IT WOULD HAVE BEEN POETIC JUSTICE

SINCE KOBE WAS SO, YOU KNOW, DISRESPECTFUL TO SHAQ.

EVERYBODY MAKE A BIG DEAL OUT OF SHAQUILLE O'NEIL

'CAUSE THEY SAY HE'S THE MOST DOMINANT PLAYER.

BUT THE DUDEIS LIKE NINE FEET TALL.IT'S KINDA UNFAIR.

HE PUT THE BALLIN THE BASKET LIKE THIS.

AND THEY TRY TO MAKE IT SOUND EXCITING. IT'S LIKE,

"OH, LOOK AT THAT TURNAROUND JUMPER BY SHAQUILLE O'NEIL."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

I'M FROM SOUTH CAROLINA, MAN. ANYBODY BEEN DOWN SOUTH?

YOU KNOWAIN'T NOTHIN' DOWN SOUTHBUT SPACE AND CORN...

AND MY MAMA. I HAD TO GET AWAY FROM HER.

MY MOM IS AMAJOR PAIN IN THE ASS.

LET ME EXPLAIN.MY MOM IS A CAMERA MOM.

EVERYBODY GOT THAT ONE PERSON IN THEY FAMILY

THAT AIN'T THEY MOM THAT ALL THEY DO IS WALK AROUND GOING,

"WAIT, DON'T MOVE. LET ME GO GET MY CAMERA."ALL MY LIFE I GOT THAT.

IT DIDN'T EVEN HAVE TO BE CAMERA MOMENTS.

LIKE WHEN I WAS ALL DRESSED UP TO GO TO THE PROM BY MYSELF,

"WAIT, LET ME GET MY CAMERA."

"UH-- WE DON'T NEED A CAMERA FOR THIS.

I CAN REMEMBER THIS [BLEEP] FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

COMEDY'S A GREAT JOB, IT IS. I USED TO WORK SECURITY.

I'M NOT A CONFRONTATIONAL GUY, SO THAT'S NOT A JOB FOR ME.

PLUS SECURITY IS THEDUMBEST JOB IN THE WORLD

WHEN YOU DON'T GET NO GUN OR A STICK OR ANYTHING.

YOU KINDA JUST STAND THERE LIKE A JACKASS WITH THEM SHINY SHOES ON.

NOBODY RESPECTS YOU. AIN'T NOBODY SCARED A YOU.

I USED TO GET TO WORK, ALL I GOT WAS A WALKIE TALKIE,

A FLASHLIGHT, AND A PENCIL TO WRITE WITH.

WHAT AM I GONNA DO WITH THE PENCIL,

SKETCH A WEAPON AND MAKE A MEAN FACE?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU WORK SECURITY, YOU AIN'T GOT NO GUN,

YOU'RE JUST A PAID WITNESS.

YOU JUST GET PAID TO SEE THINGS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

LADY GOT MUGGED IN MY BUILDING, RIGHT?

DUDE HIT HER IN THE HEAD, SNATCHED HER PURSE AND RAN OFF.

NOW PERSONALLY, I THOUGHT THAT WAS HILARIOUS.

NOW MY MANAGER, HE WAS UPSET.

HE WAS LIKE, "HARRIS,YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING?"

I WAS LIKE, "NO, SIR, BUT I SAW THE WHOLE THING.

HE WENT THATAWAY.BIG BLACK DUDE LIKE ME."

AND SHE WAS MAD AT ME. SHE'S LIKE, "YOU ASS-[BLEEP].

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO PROTECT AND SERVE."

I WAS LIKE, "NO, I DON'T.

"YOU GOT ME CONFUSED WITH THE POLICE.

"THAT'S WHAT THEY DO. I'M A SECURITY GUARD.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"ALL I DO IS SECURE AND DESCRIBE.

THAT'S WHAT I DO. THAT'S IT."

BECAUSE THE LESS THEY PAY YOU, THE MORE THEY WANT YOU TO DO.

IF YOU EVER WORK IN LIKEA FAST FOOD RESTAURANT

LATE AT NIGHT FOR MINIMUM WAGEAND SOME DRUNKEN CUSTOMER

GOES IN THE BATHROOM AND TAKES A DUMP IN THE SINK?

GUESS WHO GOTTA CLEAN THAT UP?

AND YOU WANNA KNOW A CRUEL JOKE ABOUT MINIMUM WAGE?

THEY TAKE OUT TAXES. IT'S HILARIOUS.

YOU BUST YOUR ASS FOR 40 HOURS A WEEK YOUR CHECK IS $47.50.

THEY TAKE OUT $75 IN TAXES. AND YOU KNOW WHAT THEY DO

WITH SOME OF YOUR TAXES?THEY GIVE IT TO PRISONS

SO PRISONERS CAN HAVE WEIGHTS TO LIFE. YOU BELIEVE THAT?

WE GOT MUGGERS AND MURDERERS AND THEY'RE GETTING STRONGER.

SO WHEN THEY GET PAROLEDTHEY CAN MUG YOUR ASS

BETTER THAN THEY DID BEFORE THEY WENT IN.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

"REMEMBER ME?AIN'T GONNA CATCH ME NOW

THANKS TO THAT CARDIO I WAS DOING UPSTATE."

BUT YOU GOTTA STAY IN SCHOOL, RIGHT?

YOU KNOW, SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO--

- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] - YEAH.

YOU GOTTA STAY IN SCHOOL SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO CLEAN UP

DOODOO FOR A LIVING, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

CONTRARY TO BELIEF, COLLEGE IS NOT FOR EVERYBODY.

EVERYBODY IS NOT COLLEGE MATERIAL.

AND YOU LOOKING AT ONE. I WAS IN COLLEGE FOR 3 YEARS.

I WAS STILL A FRESHMAN. I SAID,"WELL, TIME TO TELL SOME JOKES."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I WAS IN REMEDIAL CLASSES, TOO.YEAH, THAT'S EMBARRASSING.

YOU DON'T WANT NOBODY TO KNOW

YOU'RE INREMEDIAL CLASSES, EITHER.

YOU'RE IN A HIGHER INSTITUTION OF LEARNING.

THEY GOT READING 100 AND MATH TRY IT AGAIN.

HOW YOU GET MATH TRY IT AGAIN?

THEY DON'T EVEN USE NUMBERS IN THAT CLASS, YOU KNOW THAT?

THEY USE ANIMALS AND SHAPES AND STUFF.

IF YOU GOT THREE SQUIRRELS DIVIDED INTO EIGHT MONKEYS,

WHAT DO YOU GOT? YOU GOT MINIMUM WAGE. CAN WE USE NUMBERS?

AND WOMEN MY AGE TALK ABOUT HAVING BABY FEVER.

THEY REALLY WANNA HAVE A BABY.I'M A LITTLE DIFFERENT.

I DON'T HAVE BABY FEVER.WHAT I HAVE IS QUESADILLA FEVER.

I REALLY WANNA HAVEA QUESADILLA.

AND I HAVE A LOT OF THEM.

SO I'M HAPPY TO REPORT I'M NOW THE PROUD PARENT OF THIS ASS,

WHICH KEEPS GROWING AND GROWING AND GROWING.

- I'M SO PROUD OF HER.- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I DID INTERNET DATING FOR A WHILE.

AND I WAS ALLONCE I COULD ASK PEOPLE

TO LIST THE THINGSTHEY CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT

WHEN THEY DO UP THEIR PROFILE. EVERYONE GETS DUMBLY POETIC.

LIKE THIS ONE GUY WROTE,"OH, THE THINGS

I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT, THE AIR, THE SEA, THE SUN, THE SAND."

SO LIKE AN IDIOT, I WENT OUT WITH HIM.

TURNS OUT HE'S A SEAGULL.

HE NEEDSTHOSE THINGS TO SURVIVE.NOT BEING POETIC.

BUT THAT'S WHEN YOU SAY,"SCREW THE INTERNET."

I GAVE UP THE INTERNET.MY FRIEND SAID,

"YOU'LL MEET SOMEONEWHEN YOU'RE NOT LOOKING.WHEN YOU'RE NOT LOOKING,

THAT'S WHEN YOU'LL MEET SOMEBODY."

SO I TOOK HER ADVICE, I STOPPED LOOKING.

BUT I DIDN'T GET A GUY,I GOT HIT BY A CAR,

WHICH IS A TRAGIC,LITERAL MINDED ACCIDENT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HE'S IN LOVE WITH ME. I THINK HE WANTS TO MARRY ME.

IT SHOULD BE FINE. BUT I'M CONFUSED.

I DON'T KNOW HOW I FEEL.AND THIS IS HOW I THINK

YOU KNOW YOU'RE CONFUSED ABOUT SOMETHING IN YOUR LIFE.

IF YOU THINK YOU CAN GOOGLE YOUR OWN PROBLEMS, THAT'S NOT A GOOD SIGN.

THAT'S WHAT I DID A WEEK AGO. I'M LIKE I'M ON-LINE ANYWAY.

LET'S SEE WHAT GOOGLE HAS TO SAY

ABOUT THISIMPORTANT LIFE SITUATION.

SO I TYPED IN "GETTING MARRIED, PERSONALITY CONFLICTS."

STILL, NOTHING.FINALLY I GOT AN ANSWER.

IT SAID, "YOU'RE TOO OLD TO BE PICKY."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU. IT SAID, "YOU'RE TOO OLD TO BE PICKY,"

AND IT WAS A WEBSITE MY MOTHER HAD CREATED.

- SO-- - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

GOOGLE IS GOOD.IT'S THAT GOOD.

I SAW MY FATHER RECENTLY. HE GAVE ME A GREAT COMPLIMENT.

HE WAS LOOKING AT MEAND HE WAS STUDYING ME.

FINALLY HE SAYS, "YOU KNOW WHO YOU LOOK LIKE? YOU LOOK LIKE AL CAPONE,"

WHICH IS NOT WHAT A DAUGHTER WANTS TO HEAR FROM HER FATHER.

I'M LIKE, "WHY?" HE GOES, "'CAUSE YOU BOTH PART YOUR HAIR

STRAIGHT DOWN THE MIDDLE." WHICH, AGAIN,

DOES NOT MAKE ANY SENSE.

ALL RIGHT, IT'S A SEVERE FASHION LOOK. BUT, YOU KNOW IT'S WEIRD.

I SAID, I WANNA TURN THIS AROUND AND MAKE THIS A POSITIVE.

SO NOW EVERY MORNING I LOOK AT MYSELF IN THE MIRROR, I GO,

"RENA, YOU'RE POWERFULAND IMPORTANT,

AND ALL OF CHICAGO IS SCARED OF YOU."

MADE ME FEEL A LOT BETTER ABOUT MYSELF. I KNOW I'M GETTING OLDER

BECAUSE THE THINGS THATTURN ME ON HAVE CHANGED.

LIKE JUST A FEW YEARS AGO YOU KNOW WHAT TURNED ME ON?

HOT LATINO MEN TURNED ME ON.

[WOMEN CHEERING]

YOU KNOW WHATTURNS ME ON NOW?

PEOPLE WHO ACT REASONABLY TOWARDS ME.

I FIND THAT INCREDIBLY HOT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I FIND THAT INCREDIBLY--YOU MEAN YOU'RE GONNA

GIVE ME TWO MORE WEEKS TO PAY THIS PAST DUE BILL?

CAN WE GO OUT?CAN WE HAVE SEX WITH EACH OTHER?

I KNOW.I WAS SHOCKED, AS WELL.

I DIDN'T HAVE ANY OF THE TYPICAL SYMPTOMS.

THE ONLY SYMPTOM I HAD WAS A SEARING EARACHE

FROM MY GIRLFRIEND SCREAMINGAT ME FOR GIVING HER GONORRHEA.

- [LAUGHTER] - OOPS.

PROBABLY SHOULD BEEMBARRASSED AND ASHAMED

TO STAND IN FRONT OF YOU AND TALK ABOUT IT.

HOWEVER, I READ THE BROCHURE, AND IT TOLD ME NOT TO BE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I WANNA GET MARRIED. I'M AFRAID OF GETTING DIVORCED.

IT RUNS IN MY FAMILY. IT'S EVERYWHERE.

MY MOTHER, SHE'S DIVORCED. MY FATHER ALSO DIVORCED.

- [LAUGHTER] - YEAH.

NO THANK YOU. I'LL PASS ON THAT.

MY FOLKSHAVE BEEN APART FOREVER.

MY DAD WASN'T AROUND A LOT WHEN I WAS GROWING UP.

PLUS HE'S A PILOT SO HE WAS ALWAYS AWAY ON TRIPS.

AND PEOPLE ASSUME THAT MAKES HIM A BAD PARENT.

BUT I DISAGREE. I THINK HE WAS A REALLY GOOD DAD.

JUST NOT IN A TRADITIONAL SENSE.

YOU KNOW HIS PRIORITIES WERE SKEWED.

SO FOR HIM, WASN'T REALLY IMPORTANT TO BE THERE

WATCHING ME LEARN HOW TO CRAWL.

IT WAS MORE IMPORTANT TO BE OUT HAVING SEX

WITH ALL THOSE DIFFERENT STEWARDESSES.

AND THE OLDER I GET, THE MORE I UNDERSTAND THAT MENTALITY.

I MEAN, I'M ONLY 27.

I KNOW IF I WERE GIVEN THE OPTION,

I'D HAVE TO SAY HE MADE THE RIGHT CHOICE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU EVER SEEN A BABY CRAWL? IT'S OKAY.

EVER SEEN A STEWARDESS CRAWL? LITTLE BIT BETTER, ISN'T IT?

OH JEEZ.

SOON AS HE CAME OUT,MY LIFE CHANGED FOREVER.

NOTHING IS THE SAME. FROM THAT MOMENT FORWARD, EVERYTHING IS DIFFERENT.

AND I REMEMBER THAT MOMENT VIVIDLY,

SITTING IN MY DORM ROOMAT COLLEGE THINKING,

"FROM NOW ON, I AM MY PARENTS' FAVORITE."

LIFE'S GONNA BE PRETTY EASYFROM NOW ON, YOU KNOW?

FINALLY SOME LEVERAGE.

MY MOM REALLY WANTS GRANDKIDS. I POSSESS GRAND BABY TRUMP.

SORRY MOM, THAT ARGUMENT'S OVER.

YOU KNOW MY DAD DOESN'T CARE AT ALL ABOUT GRANDKIDS.

HE JUST WANTS TO MAKE SURE I KEEP DATING WOMEN.

THAT'S ALL HE ASKS.

I'LL JUST HAVE TO PLAY HIM ALITTLE BIT DIFFERENT, YOU KNOW?

CALL HIM UP, BE LIKE, "DAD, I THINK I NEED A NEW CAR."

HE'S LIKE"YOU JUST GOT A NEW CAR."

I'M LIKE, "YEAH. I KNOW.

"BUT EVERY TIME I'MDRIVING THIS ONE AROUND

- I KINDA FEEL GAY." - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"MY GOD. WE GOTTA GET YOU A NEW CAR."

"YEAH. THAT'S WHAT I'M SCREAMING ABOUT UP HERE."

I LIKE TO LITTER WHEN I DRIVE.

A LOT OF PEOPLE THINK THAT'S BAD.

I ARGUE THERE AREGOOD TYPES OF LITTERING.

LIKE CANDY. I MEAN I'M NOT GONNA EAT THE LAST BITE,

WELL, WHY NOT TOSS IT OUT THE WINDOW

AND SHARE WITH THOSE FUZZY LITTLE ANIMALS. FOR THE SAME REASON,

I GROW MARIJUANAIN MY VEGETABLE GARDEN.

FIGURE IF THE RABBITS ARE GONNA BE IN THERE

EATING ALL MY PRODUCE, THEY MIGHT AS WELL

HAVE A GOOD TIMEWHILE THEY'RE DOING IT.

YOU NEW YORKERS DRINK.

THE COMMERCIALSINFLUENCE YOU TO DRINK?

YOU EVER SEE-- THEY LIE RIGHT, THE BEER COMMERCIAL?

THEY SHOW THE GUY AT THE BAR. HE'S ALL RIPPED WITH A BEER.

SHUT UP. YOU KNOW?SHOW A REAL BEER DRINKER.LAHHH! SHOW THE TRUTH.

AND HE'S ALWAYS WITH A BEAUTIFUL GIRL.

AH, HE DRINKS BEER-- SHOW THE TRUTH.

SHOW HIM AT 3:00 IN THE MORNING.

- [RETCHING] - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SHOW THE TRUTH.YEAH. RIGHT?

SHOW HIM WITH THE GIRL HE REALLY CAME HOME WITH,

THE ONE TOOTH-- "HEY, WHAT HAPPENED? WHAT HAPPENED?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND I'M MARRIED NOW. THINGS CHANGE.

YOU LADIES CHANGE FROM THE FIRST DATE.

REMEMBER THE FIRST DATE?

THEY NEVER EAT ON THE FIRST DATE, YOU LADIES.

THE FOOD COMES, "OH, IT'S-- OH-- TOO MUCH."

AREN'T YOU GONNA EAT? "NO, I ATE LAST WEEK."

YOU ATE-- EAT THE FOOD ALREADY! ATE LAST WEEK.

AND YOU HEAR THE STOMACHTHE WHOLE DINNER.

- [GARGLING SOUND] - [LAUGHTER]

CAN'T TAKE HER ANYMORE.IT'S NOT LIKE THAT.

DO YOU REMEMBER THE FOURTH DATE, GUYS?

THINGS CHANGE, HUH? FOURTH DATE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'VE GOT FOOD HITTIN' MY FACE. LIKE IT? YOU LIKE IT, YOU LIKE IT?

I GOTTA DEAL WITH THE KIDS. KIDS ARE DIFFERENT TODAY.

I TELL YOU, MAN, MY LITTLE DAUGHTER,

I KID-- TRUE STORY. SHE'S TURNING SIX.

I ASKED HER, "WHERE DO YOU WANNA GO FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY?"

SHE SAYS, "I WANNA GO TO LAS VEGAS." LAS VEGAS? SIX YEARS OLD.

'CAUSE SHE LIKES THE BIGHOTELS WITH THE POOLS.

AND I'M TRYING TO DISCOURAGE HER.

I GO, "NO, NO, NO, WE WENT WHEN YOU WERE FOUR.

"AND DO YOU REMEMBER WHAT YOU DID IN THE POOL?

YOU PEED IN THE POOL." AND SHE GOES, "SHHH, DADDY,

'WHAT HAPPENS IN VEGASSTAYS IN VEGAS.'"

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

SIX. AND NOW WE GOTTA TEACH HER SPANISH.

MY WIFE, "TEACH THE GIRLS SOME SPANISH, RIGHT?"

WE TEACH THEM SPANISH. OKAY NOW--

MY MOTHER-IN-LAW PUTS ON THE TV,

BUT SHE SWITCHES IT TO SPANISH MODE.

SO THEY'RE WATCHING THE MOVIE IN SPANISH.

THAT'S HOW THEY'RE GONNA LEARN?

THEY'RE WATCHING "SCOOBY DOO"? WHAT IS THAT?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND DON'T JUDGE THE PEOPLEBY THE LANGUAGE.

IT HAS NOTHIN' TO DO WITH THE PEOPLE.

MY BEST FRIEND--HE'S FILIPINO.

WHEN HE SPEAKS TO HIS MA--

HAVE YOU HEARD THAT LANGUAGE, TAGALO?

THAT'S THE QUICKEST LANGUAGE.

IT SOUNDS LIKE A CHICKEN FALLING DOWN SOME STAIRS.

YES IT DOES! YES IT DOES!

HE'S ON THE--YOU DIDN'T HEAR,

HE'S ON THE PHONE, [SPEAKING RAPIDLY]

I GO, "PICK UP THE CHICKEN."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

- CHICKEN BROKE A WING. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HE'S THERE TALKING TO HIS MOM...

AND THEY SAID,"I LOVE YOU. [SQUAWKS]"

I GO, "COME ON."