CC Presents: Tom Papa (2007)

  • Season 11, Ep 9
  • 02/15/2007

Tom Papa dispels the princess myth and suggests other healthy delusions.

THAT ACTUALLY COMES WITH A STORY.

IT'S LIKE"YOU WANT SOME TEQUILA?""NO, DUDE, THE LAST TIME

- I HAD THAT..."- [LAUGHTER]

IT DOESN'T HAPPEN WITH ANYTHING ELSE.

"YOU WANT SOME JELLY BEANS?" "NO.

"THE LAST TIME I HAD THOSE,I ENDED UP WITH MY PANTS

"AROUND MY ANKLES FACE DOWN IN THE MALL.

SERIOUSLY, DUDE, I CAN'T EVEN SMELL THE BLACK ONES.

- JUST GET 'EM OUTTA HERE." - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

GETTING DRUNK IS FUN. HAVING YOUR GIRLFRIEND

GET MORE DRUNK THAN YOU,NOT THAT MUCH FUN.

TRYING TO GET HER IN THE CAR AT THE END OF THE NIGHT,

IT'S LIKE TRYING TO GET A TODDLER BACK IN THE CAR AFTER A DAY AT THE CARNIVAL.

"WHERE ARE YOUR SHOES? WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR SHOES?

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS, WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

"JUST GET IN THE CAR. GET IN THE CAR.

"STOP CRYING AND GET IN THE CAR.

"NO, I DON'T HATE YOU. WE JUST HAVE TO GO.

I DON'T HATE YOU. DID YOU WENT YOUR PANTS?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I HAVE A TODDLER AT HOME,VERY ANNOYING.

I DON'T RECOMMEND YOU EVER GET ONE OF THESE, EVER. EVER!

I UNDERSTAND WHY SHE'S ANNOYING.SHE CAN'T REALLY TALK, YOU KNOW.

SHE KNOWS WHAT SHE WANTS. BUT SHE CAN'T SAY IT.

SHE'S FRUSTRATED.

IT'S LIKE HANGING OUT WITH AN ANGRY DEAF GUY ALL NIGHT LONG.

- [MUFFLED] "AHHHHH!" - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"YOU WANNA GO TO THE MOVIES?" "YARGH!!!" [FRUSTRATED SIGH]

"IF I STILL SMOKED POT I'D BLOW IT IN YOUR FACE."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SHE'S IN HER BIG GIRL BED NOW WHICH IS A CROCK.

IT WAS NICE WHEN SHE WAS IN HER CRIB.

SHE WAS CAGED LIKE A MONKEY. SHE COULDN'T GET OUT.

NOW SHE JUST GETS UP AND GOES.IT'S TERRIFYING.

IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT,

SHE JUST APPEARS AT THE FOOT OF MY BED,

LIKE THIS TERRORIST MIDGET NINJA THING.

- [MUFFLED] "AHHHH!" - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND YOU DON'T WANNA SCARE HER JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE AFRAID.

"SO YOU DO THAT SCREAM SMILE SWITCH THING, YOU KNOW,

"AH! OH! HI! HI, HI, HI. NO, IT'S OKAY.

DADDY JUST WET THE BED.IT'S ALL RIGHT."

SHE'S LOOKING AT ME LIKE, "GREAT, YOU TOO?

I CAME IN HERELOOKING FOR A DRY SPOT."

I ALWAYS THOUGHT I WAS GONNA HAVE JUST ONE KID, YOU KNOW,

'CAUSE YOU HAVE MORE THAN ONE, THEN YOU GOTTA DECIDE

WHICH ONE YOU LIKE BETTER. THAT'S ALWAYS MEAN.

IT'S TRUE. PARENTS ALWAYS LIE ABOUT IT.

"OH, WE LIKE YOU ALL THE SAME."[CHUCKLES] NO, YOU DON'T.

YOU LOVE 'EM ALL, OF COURSE,BUT THERE'S ALWAYS THAT ONE KID,

- YOU KNOW, IF HE GOT LOST... - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I MEAN, YOU'LL LOOK FOR HIM, BUT NOT RIGHT AWAY.

BUT WE DID IT. WE HAVE A NEWBORN AT HOME, TOO.

GOD BLESS YOU LADIES FORGETTING PREGNANT MORE THAN ONCE.

YOU'RE INSANE. MY WIFE'S BREASTS QUADRUPLED IN SIZE.

THEY'RE F'S. F! D'S ARE FUN. F'S ARE SCARY.

IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT THE LEFT ONE WILL JUST

- TURN TO ME. "M-O-O-O-O-R-GH!"- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"YOU WANNA WATCHTV OR SOMETHING?" "NO."

"COME ON, SHE'S ASLEEP.LET'S MAKE NACHOS ORSOMETHING. I'M BORED."

AND HER HORMONES GO INSANE. SHE WANTS TO FOOL AROUND

MORE THAN ANY OTHER TIME IN OUR RELATIONSHIP

WHICH IS REALLY SCARY. IT'S LIKE BEING CHASED AROUND THE HOUSE BY A HORNY SNOWMAN.

"COME BACK! I KNOW WHERE YOU ARE!"

YOU EVER HAVE SEX WITH A PREGNANT LADY, YOUNG FELLA?

DID YOU EVER GIVE THAT A WHIRL?OH, PUT THAT ON YOUR TO-DO LIST.

THAT'S A REAL TREAT. THE WHOLE TIME YOU DO IT,

YOU JUST PICTURE THE LITTLE FELLA IN THERE.

"OKAY, SOMEBODY LIVES HERE. ALL RIGHT. TAKE IT EASY."

THAT'S WHY THEY DON'T COME OUT FOR NINE MONTHS.

THEY'RE LIKE "DOES EVERYONE LOOK LIKE THAT OUT THERE?"

[LAUGHTER]

SO WE HAVE A NEWBORN AT HOME. THAT'S CREEPY, TOO.

THEY SEND YOU HOME FROM THE HOSPITAL AFTER TWO DAYS. IT SHOULD BE LIKE TWO YEARS.

THEY'RE LIKE "HERE YOU GO. CONGRATULATIONS.

"DON'T TOUCH THAT SOFT SPOT ON THE TOP OF THEIR HEAD.

IT COULD KILL 'EM."

"WHAT? HOW 'BOUT I COME BACK IN TWO MONTHS AND YOU FINISH THE JOB.

GIVE ME A KID WITH A REAL HEAD?"

TWO GIRLS, I GOT TWO GIRLS.

BIGGEST THING ABOUT RAISING GIRLS IT SEEMS

IS DISPELLING THE WHOLEPRINCESS MYTH.

EVERYTHING THEY GET IS ABOUT BEING A PRINCESS.

CROWNS AND GOWNS AND SCEPTERS. REALLY.

SHE'S WAITING FOR A PRINCE. THEY DON'T EXIST.

THERE'S NO GUY OUT THERE WITH TIGHTS AND GOOD MANNERS

THAT'S GONNA COME WHISK YOU AWAY TO HAPPYTOWN.

AND IF THERE IS, HE'S LOOKING FOR ANOTHER GUY IN TIGHTS.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS, WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

PEOPLE ASK, "DOES IT CHANGE YOU AT ALL?

ARE YOU CHANGED WHEN YOU HAVE KIDS?"

YEAH, I'M AN ALCOHOLIC NOW. WHY NOT? WHEN YOU'RE STRAIGHT,

THERE'S JUST HAVE A HOUSEHOLD OF SCREAMING IDIOTS.

WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK, IT'S LIKE MARDI GRAS.

EVERYONE TAKES OFF THEIR TOPS, THROWS UP ON EACH OTHER.

- NOBODY WALKS RIGHT. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HAD TO DO IT THOUGH.MY WIFE IS BECOMINGPSYCHOTIC WITH HER PETS.

SHE WAS STARTING TO TREAT HER CATS

LIKE THEY WERE HUMAN BEINGS. YOU KNOW THESE PEOPLE?

"OH, WE'RE HAVING A PARTY FOR GRACIE, COME ON OVER.

BRING YOUR CAT. TOO. MEOW, MEOW, MEOW."

PET PEOPLE HAVE LOST THEIR MINDS.

THEY USED TO BEA NICE PART OF SOCIETY.

NOW THEY GET RIGHT IN YOUR FAC-- "YOU DON'T LIKE PETS?"

THEY ACT LIKE YOU'RE MONSTER. "YOU DON'T LIKE PETS?

"YOU'RE SO MEAN." "REALLY? I'M MEAN? I'M NOT THE ONE

KEEPING A WILD ANIMAL HOSTAGE IN MY APARTMENT."

"HE LOVES ME.""REALLY? OPEN THE DOOR."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS, WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

I DIDN'T EVEN THINK I WAS GONNA HAVE KIDS.

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE JUST GOING ALONG AND YOU'RE LIKE, "WEE, THIS IS FUN,

LET'S GET DRUNK." AND NOW ALL OF A SUDDEN--

- BUP, BUP. - [LAUGHTER]

IT'S INSANE THESE DECISIONS YOU HAVE TO MAKE.

IT'S CRAZY. I WISH I WAS CRAZY. CRAZY PEOPLE

SEEM TO ENJOY THEIR LIVES MORE THEN WE DO. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

THEIR WHOLE HEAD IS JUST A COMEDY CLUB. IT'S TRUE.

THEY JUST ENJOY THEMSELVES.THERE'S A GUY IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD

HE SPRAY-PAINTS HIS WHOLE CAR ALL THESE DIFFERENT COLORS,

FILLS THE INSIDE UP WITH EMPTY COKE BOTTLES TO THE ROOF.

HE DRIVES AROUND. HIS HEAD LOOKS LIKE

A HAIRY PRIZE INSIDE A GUMBALL MACHINE. WHAT'S ON HIS CALENDAR?

I BET IT'S A LOT MORE FUN THEN YOURS.

YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING, "AH, I GOTTA GO TO THE BANK."

HE'S LIKE, "I NEED MORECOKE BOTTLES FOR MY ROCKET SHIP.

- BUSY, BUSY DAY." - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THEY BASICALLY LOOK AROUND THEY'RE LIKE,

"ALL RIGHT, LOOK, LIFE IS A GAME.

I OBVIOUSLY HAVE NO CHANCE OF WINNING. I QUIT."

"I'M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE.

"YOU GET DRESSED UP AND GO TO WORK EVERYDAY, FINE.

"I PUT PEANUT BUTTER ON MY LIPS AND TALK TO SQUIRRELS.

YOU SAY, 'HELLO'WHEN YOU SEE STRANGERS.I YELL, 'SNOW PANTS!'"

[LAUGHTER]

WHEN I WAS YOUNGER, I USED TO SEE THE CRAZY GUY OUTSIDE

IN OPEN ROBE AND SLIPPERS YELLING STUFF AT THE SKY.

AND I USED TO THINK,"HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN?"

NOW I'M LIKE, "NAH, I CAN SEE IT."

'CAUSE I'M AROUND MY PLACE THAT WAY.

THE ONLY DIFFERENCE BETWEEN US, I HAVEN'T GONE OUTSIDE YET.

AND I THINK WE'RE ALL JUST THREE REALLY BAD DAYS IN A ROW

FROM TAKING IT OUTSIDE,THREE REALLY BAD DAYS,

ONE AFTER ANOTHER. LOSE YOUR MONEY,

LOSE YOUR LOVER-- THIRD DAY WOULDN'T EVEN TAKE MUCH,

JUST A LITTLE DEODORANT ON THE OUTSIDE OF YOUR SHIRT.

BOOM!

TO MAKE UP ANY DECISIONS WHEN YOU'RE 20, YOU KNOW?

TWENTY IS JUST A BLAST.IT IS.

- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] - I KNOW.

I'M 22 ANDI DON'T WANT IT TO END.

THE ONLY THING YOU REALLY HAVE TO FOCUS ON IN YOUR 20s

IS NOT GETTING A BAD TATTOO. YOU DON'T WANT TO BE 40 GOING,

"NO DUDE, IT WAS DIFFERENT.

BACK THEN EVERYONE LOVEDSPONGE BOB; EVERYONE."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

YOU WANT TO LIVE FOREVERIN YOUR 20s, DON'T YOU?

EVERY YEAR IS NEW AND EXCITING.

"WEE, I DIDN'T KNOW THIS WAS GONNA HAPPEN. HEY."

ONCE YOU GET OVER 30 YOU'RE LIKE,

"HOW LONG DO I WANNA LIVE?"

LIFE IS COOL AND ALL,BUT IT'S REALLY THE SAMEDAMN THING EVERY YEAR.

IT'S ON A CONSTANT LOOP,ISN'T IT?

SUPER BOWL, FOURTH OF JULY, CHRISTMAS.

SUPER BOWL, FOURTH OF JULY, CHRISTMAS. SOMEBODY PRESS "EJECT."

THAT'S WHY OLD PEOPLE ARE FALLING ASLEEP SITTING UP.

THEY'RE BORED OUT OF THEIR HEADS.

EVEN EVERY DAY ENDS THE SAME, DOESN'T IT?

"WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR DINNER?" "I DON'T KNOW,

WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR DINNER?" HOW ABOUT A GUN IN MY MOUTH

SO WE NEVER HAVE TO TALK ABOUT THIS AGAIN?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IT'S HARD TO EVEN WANT TO GET REALLY OLD

WHEN YOU SEE WHAT NATUREDOES TO YOU, YOU KNOW?

YOU SAY, "WHAT KIND OF GOAL IS THAT?"

I SEE PICTURES OF MY GRANDMOTHER,

SHE WAS A STUNNING YOUNG WOMAN. SHE WAS A KNOCKOUT.

- SHE LOOKS LIKE BEN FRANKLIN NOW. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BIG POTBELLY, KIND OF BALD IN THE FRONT, LONG HAIR IN THE BACK,

WEARS HER GLASSESON THE TIP OF HER NOSE.

YOU PUT A KITE IN HER HAND; SHE'S BENJAMIN FRANKLIN.

MY GRANDFATHER-- LAST 20 YEARS OF HIS LIFE--

JUST WENT AROUND GRABBIN' ASS. THAT WAS HIS HOBBY.

EVERY WOMAN THAT CAME BY, "HEY, HEY."

THEY'D TURN AROUND ALL OFFENDED, SEE IT'S AN OLD MAN, "AWW."

THAT'S NOT CUTE, THAT'S A PERVERT. THEY DON'T CARE.

THE GREATEST PARTABOUT GETTING REALLY OLD,

YOU'RE MEMORY STARTS GOING. THAT'S A TREAT.

DON'T EVEN HAVE TO SMOKE POT ANYMORE.

MAKES MARRIAGE GO A LOT EASIER, TOO.

COME DOWN IN THE MORNING, "OH, WHO'S THIS YOUNG LADY

COOKIN' ME EGGS?"

MY MEMORY IS ALREADY GOING. I USED TO LOOK FOR MY KEYS

IN THE MORNING LIKE A NORMAL PERSON. YOU KNOW I'D WAKE UP

AND I'D CHECK MY POCKETS AND I'D CHECK THE COUNTER,

AND I WAS OUT THE DOOR.NOW I'M LIKE, "WAIT,

I CAME IN LAST NIGHT,I HAD A DRINK OF WATER,

THEY'RE PROBABLY IN THE ATTIC WITH MY CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS."

LET ME LOOK UP THERE FOR FIVE DAYS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

- [CHEERS AND CATCALLS]- YEAH, I KNOW.

WELL COME ON-- I'VE GOT A WIFE AND A COUPLE OF KIDS.

I WALK TO THE BEACH NOW.I'VE GOT DIAPER BAGS

FILLED WITH CRAP, PULLING WAGONS BEHIND ME.

NO WOMEN ARE LOOKING AT ME ANYMORE.

SO I FIGURE IF I WEAR THE SPEEDO THEY'LL BE HORRIFIED

BUT AT LEAST THEY'LL GIVE ME A GLANCE.

THE ONLY THING CREEPIER THEN SEEING A GUY IN A SPEEDO;

IS SEEING A GUY IN A SPEEDO STARING BACK AT YOU.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU GOTTA GET IN SHAPE FOR THAT.I DON'T LIKE GETTING IN SHAPE.

GETTING IN SHAPE IS SUCH A DRAG. YOU'RE SO WHINEY,

AND NO ONE EVEN WANTS TO HANG OUT WITH YOU

WHEN YOU'RE TRYING TO LOSE WEIGHT.

YOU NEVER HEAR YOUR FAT FRIENDS SAY SOMETHING LIKE,"NO, I REALLY SHOULDN'T."

YOU WALK WITH YOUR FAT FRIEND MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

"YOU WANNA STOP FOR SOME PIZZA?" "HELL YEAH."

"NO, I DON'T EAT CARBS AFTER SIX O'CLOCK.

YAN, YAN, YAN. YAN, YAN, YAN.YAN, YAN, YAN."

"SHUT UP OR I'LL EAT YOU, TOO."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU EVER FEEL LIKE YOU'RE SUCH A FAT DISGUSTING SLOB

THAT YOU JUST START EXERCISINGRANDOMLY IN THE MIDDLE OF

SOME OTHER ACTIVITY? YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

YOU'RE IN LINE AT THE BANK,ALL OF A SUDDEN

- "MAYBE THIS WILL HELP MY ASS." - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THAT'S WHY YOU GET MARRIED ULTIMATELY. ALL THOSE YEARS SINGLE,

RUNNING AROUND LIKE AN IDIOT TRYING TO STAY IN SHAPE.

JUST TRYING TO HOOK UP. AS SOON AS YOU GET MARRIED,

FINISH LINE. IT'S IN THE RULES, I LOVE YOU, YOU LOVE ME,

WE CAN'T HAVE SEX WITH OTHER PEOPLE...

- LET'S EAT A CHOCOLATE CAKE. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"YOU WANT ICE CREAM ON THAT?" "YOU BET YOUR FAT ASS I DO."

HOW SPOILED A SOCIETYHAVE WE BECOME

THAT WE'RE SWIMMING WITH THE DOLPHINS?

WHAT, ARE WE ALL ROMAN EMPERORS AT THIS POINT?

"I FEEL LIKE SWIMMING. GET ME A DOLPHIN NOW.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

YES, AND PUT SOME SUNGLASSES ON HIM AND A SILLY HAT."

THEY DON'T WANT TO SWIM WITH US.

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WERE BOBBING IN THE OCEAN

AND HAD A DOLPHIN SHOW UP, "MARCO"--

SHE LOVES THE SPA, TOO.

ALWAYS DRAGGING METO THESE DUMB MASSAGES.

"OH YOU'LL LOVETHE MASSAGE; IT'S GREAT.

"JUST FORGET ABOUT YOUR PROBLEMS.

LET YOUR MIND WANDER. IT'S WONDERFUL."

NO, IT'S WONDERFUL FOR YOU; YOU'RE A WOMAN. I'M A MAN--

A NAKED MAN-- BEING TOUCHED BY A STRANGE, NEW LADY.

IF I LET MY MIND WANDER THE WAY IT WANTS TOO, IT'S GONNA SHOW.

SO THE WHOLE TIME I'M IN THERE, I'M THINKING ABOUT DEATH,

AND TAXES AND SLOW DANCING WITH MY GRANDFATHER.

I COME OUT OF THERE; I'M TIGHTER THEN WHEN I WENT IN.

"YEAH, THAT WAS GREAT, THANKS A LOT.

"I'LL BE BACK AT 1:00 FOR THE SANDPAPER LOOFAH ON MY NIPPLES.

- THAT'LL BE WONDERFUL." - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'M TRAVELINGALL THE TIME, YOU KNOW,

ALL AROUND THE COUNTRY, ZING, ZING, ZING.I GET A DAY OFF, HOME.

I ALMOST GOT STUCK IN PITTSBURGH NOT TOO LONG AGO,

ONE OF THOSE MOMENTS WHERE YOU'RE RUNNING THROUGH

THE AIRPORT LIKE A JACKASS TRYING TO CATCH YOUR FLIGHT.

WHICH IS ANY TIME YOU RUN AS AN ADULT YOU'RE A JACKASS.

YOU DON'T EVEN REALLY REMEMBER HOW TO DO IT. YOU JUST GET MOMENTUM

AND YOUR ARMS AND LEGS KIND OF FOLLOW.

LUGGAGE HITTING YOU IN THE ASS,COFFEE IS RUNNING DOWN YOUR ARM.

YOU'RE NOT EVEN WORRIED YOU'RE GONNA RUN OUT OF BREATH.

YOU'RE WORRIED YOU MIGHT DIE.

AND WHENEVER I'M IN THAT SITUATION, I ALWAYS PICTURE

EVERYONE ELSE ROOTING FOR ME, LIKE IT'S AN OLYMPIC EVENT.

"COME ON, YOU CAN MAKE IT." THEY DON'T CARE.

YOU EVER BEEN ON A BUS WATCHING A GUY RUN FOR IT?

YOU'RE NOT ROOTING FOR HIM. YOU DON'T WANT HIM TO MAKE IT.

YOU WANT TO SEE HIS ARM GO UP, HIS ANKLE GIVE OUT,

- AND DROP OUT OF VIEW. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

'CAUSE THAT'S FUNNY.

IT'S FUN WATCHING OTHER PEOPLE SUFFER.

IT'S EVIL, BUT IT'S FUNNY. YOU EVER BEEN ON THE HIGHWAY

AND YOUR SIDE'S JUST CRUISING, NO PROBLEM.

THE OTHER SIDE IS BAKED UP MILES AND MILES IN TRAFFIC?

IT'S A GOOD FEELING, ISN'T IT? AND I DON'T EVEN ENJOY THE GUY

STUCK IN THE MIDDLE AS MUCH AS THE GUY WHO'S 10 MILES BACK,

WHO DOESN'T SEE IT COMING. "HEY! HAVE A GOOD DAY."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO THOUGH?YOU GONNA RIDE THE BUS?

CAN'T RIDE THE BUS. THE BUS IS BRUTAL.

IT WOULDN'T WE SO BAD IF IT DIDN'T STOP AND PICK UP

ALL THOSE OTHER PEOPLE BUT-- HORRIBLE PEOPLE ON THE BUS.

EVERYONE HAS A LIMP, OR A LAZY EYE, OR A TAIL.

IT'S LIKE THE GARBAGE TRUCK FOR HUMAN TRASH.

WE ALWAYS THINK WE'RE BETTER THEN THE OTHER GUY, ALWAYS.

AND WE'RE NOT. WE'RE NO BETTER THEN ANYBODY ELSE. YOU KNOW?

WHEN I'M ON THAT BUSLOOKING ACROSS THE AISLE

AT A GUY IN A SANTA HAT AND GOGGLES AND HE'S LOOKING BACK AT ME,

WE'RE BOTH THINKING THE SAME THING, "JACKASS.

LOOK AT THIS GUYIN HIS GOGGLES."

HE'S LOOKIN' BACK, "POOR FELLA, HE DOESN'T HAVE ANY GOGGLES."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THAT'S THE WHOLE SECRET.FIND SOMEONE TO LOVE.

THAT'S IT. THEY SAY RELATIONSHIPS ARE BUILT ON TRUST.

YOU KNOW-- THAT'S A LIE.

GOOD RELATIONSHIPS ARE BUILT ON PARANOIA AND SUSPICION.

IT'S TRUE. IT KEEPS YOUR PARTNER IN LINE.

MY LIFE LOVES ME, WANTS TO TRUST ME.

THINKS I'M FOOLING AROUND ON HER

IN MY OWN HOUSE WHILE SHE'S IN IT.

THE THING SHE ASKS ME MORE THEN ANYTHING ELSE IS,

"WHERE ARE YOU GOING?" IF I GET UP TO GET A COOKIE, "WHERE ARE YOU GOING?"

JUST ROLL OVER IN BED, "WHERE ARE YOU GOING?"

TWO O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING IN MY UNDERWEAR

GETTING UP TO GO TO THE BATHROOM,

SHE'LL POP UP OUT OF A DEAD SLEEP, "WERE ARE YOU GOING?"

"WHERE AM I GOING? TO HAVE SEX WITH THE MIDGET

I STORED IN THE MEDICINE CABINET."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS, WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

AND I KNOW YOU LADIES SAY YOU WOULDN'T HAVE TO ASK ALL THE TIME

IF ALL YOU MEN DIDN'T CHEAT. BUT ALL MEN ARE CHEATERS.

THAT'S A LIE, TOO. ALL MEN DON'T CHEAT.

ALL MEN WANT TO CHEAT,REALLY, REALLY BADLY...

FROM THE FIRST DATETO THE 50th ANNIVERSARY.IT'S THIS CRAZY DNA.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO I'M ATTRACTED TO ANYMORE.

I DON'T. MY WIFE THINKS SHE KNOWS MY TYPE.

WE'LL SEE SOMEONE LIKE NICOLE KIDMAN ON TV--

"OH YOU LIKE HER DON'T YOU? YOU WANNA BE WITH HER."

"YEAH, I DO." "YOU KNOW WHO ELSE I WANT TO BE WITH?

- EVERYBODY ELSE." - [LAUGHTER]

BRITNEY, J-LO, MARGE AT THE BANK.

YEAH, SHE'S ABOUT 65, HAS A WIG,

WEARS A RED HOLIDAY SWEATERALL YEAR ROUND.

SOMETIMES I THINK ABOUT MARGE. AND IT'S DIRTY.

THE HARDEST PART ABOUTFINDING SOMEONE TO LOVE

IS FINDING SOMEONEWHO YOU CAN EVEN TRUST.

EVERYONE'S SO FULL OF IT. EVERYONE'S JUST LYING.

AS SOON AS YOU HOOK UP,"I DON'T WATCH FOOTBALL

OR EAT MEAT. I'M WITH YOU NOW."

FIVE YEARS LATER, "GET ME A HOT DOG, BITCH, THE GAME'S ON."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

JUST DON'T BE SO DAMN PICKY.THAT'S THE THING.

EVERYONE'S WAITING FOR THEIR SOUL MATE.

"I'M WAITING FOR MY SOUL MATE.

OH YEAH HE'S NICE, BUT HE'S NOT MY SOUL MATE."

DOESN'T EXIST. FIND SOMEONE YOU CAN TOLERATE,

HOW ABOUT THAT? REALLY, JUST SETTLE, SETTLE.

THEY'RE SETTLING FOR YOU, YOU SETTLE FOR THEM.

FIND SOMEONE YOU CAN SLEEP NEXT TO WITHOUT THROWING UP

AND MARRY THEM. IT'S TRUE.

- WE'RE ALL DISGUSTING. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WE'RE ALL DISGUSTING WHEN WE SLEEP.

EVERYONE IN HERE-- DIFFERENT DEGREES--

BUT YOU ARE DISGUSTING. YOU ARE.

YOU EVER SEE YOUR OLD PILLOW WITHOUT ITS PILLOWCASE?

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH, IT LOOKS LIKE A BANDAGE FROM THE CIVIL WAR.

APPARENTLY AS SOON AS WE CLOSE OUR EYES,

- WE'RE LEAKING BATTERY ACID. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

MY WIFE SLEEPS WITH HER MOUTH WIDE OPEN-- AAAA!!!

GOES TO SLEEP LIKE AN ANGEL; ENDS UP LIKE A WALRUS-- AAAA!!!

I DON'T KNOW WHETHER I SHOULD KISS HER OR TOSS FISH AT HER.

AND SHE DOES THAT HALF EYE OPEN THING

JUST TO SCARE THE CRAP OUT OF ME.

- GNAAA!!! - [LAUGHTER]

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