High Five Til It Hurts

  • 06/28/2013

Owen Benjamin shares his infinite wisdom on outsmarting the law and takes to the piano to tackle Eddie Vedder, Beethoven, Timbaland and more.

Austin, Texas.

This is awesome.

Thank you.

Thank you so muchfor coming out.

I really appreciate it.

We're gonna have fun tonight.

I have a dog.I love my dog.

I didn't thinkI was gonna be a dog owner

until those Sarah McLachlancommercials

made me be a dog owner.

They're these ASPCA commercials

that come on late at night

because they know when you'redrinking wine and alone.

Like, they can feel it.

They knowwhen you're vulnerable.

And they just come onout of nowhere.

You're not expecting it.

All of a sudden,you just hear...

♪ In the armsof an angel ♪

♪ Fly away

And most commercialsare 30 seconds.

Not this one.It's five minutes long.

It will not stop, and you'retoo drunk to find the remote,

so you're just like, "What areyou trying to tell me?"

And those dogs stareright into your soul.

Like, they're just like...

I know those are not dogsin that commercial.

I know dogs.Dogs are happy.

Even if they're in a pound,they're still happy.

Those are actorsin dog suits.

And they doa pretty damn good job.

Where are my dog owners here?Who's got a dog?

[cheers and applause]

Dog people are happier people.They just are.

When you see dog people,they're just happier.

And I know why.It's because dogs remind you

of how great life is.That's their job.

You ever had that,where you're just bored?

"Today sucks."

Not if you have a dog.

Your dog's like,"Hey, you got a ball?"

I'm like, "Yeah, why?"He's like, "Dude, throw it."

I'm like, "All right."So I throw the ball.

He's like, "No frickin' way.It's a ball!"

And he runs,and he comes back,

he's like, "Dude,that's the best thing

"that's ever happened to me.

I just saw a ballfly through the house."

I'm like, "Really?"He's like, "Yeah."

I'm like, "What do I do now?"

He's like, "What kindof a question is that?

You throw that again."

I'm like, "How longdo I do this for?"

He's like, "Dude, do thistill I friggin' die, man.

"This is it for me.This is all I want out of life,

is a lot of ball chasing."

And so I feed off that.

You know, that's how I wantto live my life.

And that's how every one of youshould live your lives.

You figure out whateveryour "throw the ball" is,

and you do it forever.

Unless it's heroin.

You know?I don't even know

why we have a snooze button.

We're like, "Ah, that sucked.

"Let's do it againin ten minutes.

"Oh, God, that's horrifying.

Ugh! Oh, God--"

I mean, that's crazythat we have a snooze button.

Just get it over with.

Sometimes it's hard waking up.

You know, you're like,"Today's gonna suck."

Not if you have a dog,it doesn't suck.

Your dog's like, "Bro, I can'tbelieve we're still alive."

You're like, "What?"He's like, "Dude!

"I closed my eyes last night,I think the world goes away.

"I open my eyes,

"My best friend'sstill right in front of me.

Buddy, I've been staringat you for hours."

And he's just staring at mewith those big eyes.

I'm like, "I don't knowif I want to throw a ball yet."

He's like, "Dude, it's cool.Just say the word, 'outside,'

I'm gonna lose my shit."

I'm like, "I just say it?"

He's like,"Dude, just say the word,

"and I'm gonna lose it.

I'm gonna lose my mindwith excitement."

I'm like,"All right, outside."

He's like, "Yeah!Whoo!

We're going outside.We're going outside."

And he goes to the leash.He goes right to the leash.

He's like, "It's right there.That's the leash.

It's right there."Dogs don't understand lies.

If you say, "outside,"you're going outside.

If you don't go outsideafter saying, "outside,"

you're the biggest dickheadon the planet.

That's the only time you'll seethe dog look

like a Sarah McLachlancommercial.

'Cause if you just say,"outside,"

and then don't go,they're like...

♪ In the arms of

I'm from a very mountainouspart of the country,

a real rural partof the country.

I saw a sign that said"falling rock zone."

I'm flying down the highway,just speeding.

A cop pulls me over.

He's like, "Son, do you knowhow fast you were going?"

I'm like,"As fast as I can, sir."

He's like, "What do you mean?"

"Sir, I saw a sign back there

"that said,'falling rock zone.'

So I'm trying to getthe fuck out."

He's like, "Son, you got to slowdown in a falling rock zone."

I'm like, "Officer, I've donethe math on this thing.

"The slower I go,the higher the probability

I diein a Donkey Kong incident."

Being pulled over is a reallyinteresting experience.

They make you sit there fora while, just make you scared,

make you a little on edge.

And then the first questionthey ask you

is always a trick,right?

They always say, "Son, doyou know why I pulled you over?"

And I'm a pretty trusting guy.

I'm pretty naive.I'll guess.

Bad call.Do not guess.

The cop's like, "Son, doyou know why I pulled you over?"

I'm like...

"Because you know I have weedin my glove compartment?

I don't know."

He's like,"Step out of the vehicle."

I'm like, "You tricked me, dude.

You're like a leprechaun."

Don't fall for that.

I argue a lot with cops,which is my problem.

And it's not my fault.

It's not'cause I don't respect cops.

I think it's a very heroic job,you know.

They're heroes.

They protect people.

I love that about cops.

But my fatheris a public speech professor.

He teaches rhetoric, right?

He teaches arguments,how to form an argument.

From the time I'm a kid,

he would ask me my opinionon something.

"Owen, what do you thinkabout this?"

I'm like,"This is what I think, Dad."

And he'd be like,"If you can't argue

"the other side in five minutes,you have no right

to that opinion,'cause you're ignorant."

I'm like, "I'm five.

That's gonna mess me upfor the rest of my life."

And it did.

'Cause the problem with it,it made me too good at arguing.

To the point where I'll call outa cop and win,

and then they hate me,right?

Cop pulls me over, right?

He's like, "Son, do you knowwhy I pulled you over?"

This is a true story,by the way.

I'm like, "I'm not falling

for your shit, leprechaun."

I'm just kidding.I didn't actually say that.

But I didn't fall for it.

I'm like, "No, sir.

Why did you pull me over?"He was like,

"'Cause you're talkingon a cell phone and driving.

You can't do thatin California, son."

I'm like, "Why not?"He was like,

"You have to operate a vehiclewith two hands."

I'm like, "Is it illegalto be one-armed?"

[laughter]

He's like, "No."

I go, "Do one-armed people--are they still allowed

to drive in California?"He goes, "Yeah."

I go, "Okay, so pretendI'm one-armed.

"This is my bonus armthat I legally don't need.

"I don't need this arm.

"This does not needto be on my body.

"This does not need to be here.

And I'm gonna hold a phonewith my bonus arm."

He's like,"No, but you're holding--"

I go, "What if I was holdinga banana up to my head?

"What if I was justa little messed up?

"What if I was talkingto a banana?

"I know that's not illegal.You can talk to a banana.

"So now your job--

"your job is to prove the objectin my hand has reception,

"which is gonna be hard,'cause I have the new iPhone,

and I'm goingthrough the mountains."

He's like,"Son, you step out of the car."

I'm like--Dude handcuffs me, right?

Couldn't help it.I'm too much of a smartass.

I go, "By the way,if I was one-armed,

you couldn't fuckinghandcuff me."

I think driving can bring outthe worst in people.

You know, I think people,in general, are nice.

We want to be goodto each other.

We wantto be good to each other.

But in cars, we have somethingcalled "road rage."

You ever road-raged on somebodyand then got stuck next to them

at a red light?

It gets pretty real, right?

You're like, "Watchwhere you're going, asshole."

[imtates car horn]"Yeah, I see you too.

Watch out."

Then you're at a red light,you're like,

"Yeah, that felt good.

Yeah, I really told his asswhat's up."

And the dude's just staringat you, right?

I'm like...

I pretend I'm busywith the radio.

I'm like,"What's on the radio?"

As soonas the light turns green,

"Fuck you!"And then take off.

Thank you.I can cure road rage.

I know the answer to it.

It's 'cause of the horn.

The horn makes people crazy.

It makes me crazy.

[imitates car horn]

What happens if you bumpinto someone in person?

What does that feel like?Not bad.

"Excuse me.Oh, I'm sorry.

I'll hold the door for you.No, after you."

Right?There's nothing wrong with that.

Why?'Cause we don't have horns.

Can you imagine the worldif you bumped into someone,

and they pulled out a horn?

If you were like,"Hey, watch out, bud."

"Oh, I'm sorry."[imitates air horn]

"What are you gonna doabout that?"

[imitates air horn]Just uppercut, just--

that would drive youapeshit.

You're just watching out.

[imitates air horn]"Hey."

[continues imitating air horn]

It would be crazy, right?

I like how he didn't defend youat all, by the way.

That's right.You know your place.

I'm just kidding.No, he's cool.

I'm just joking.He's a real sweetheart.

I was at a red light recently.

And the light turned green,

and the guy behind me honkedfor me to go.

Has that ever happenedto you guys?

The light turns green.[imitates car horn]

I'm like,"Dude, it just turned green."

I'm like, "You don't talkto me like that."

I got nowhere to go.

All I do is watch Pawn Star marathons.

I'm a pretty simple guy,you know?

So I just throw it in park.

I'm like, "Now nobody goes."

He's like...[imitates car horn]

I'm like, "No, buddy, legally,that says I can go."

And the dudejust keeps honking.

I'm like,"No, you don't yell at me!"

Right? And then later I realizedI was totally wrong, right?

I may have been wrong.

Maybe he was a dick.Maybe he wasn't.

But I know that he hada limited vocabulary.

Because I was in a parkinggarage, and I was behind a car.

And the thing went up.And I was like...

[imitates car horn]And the dude was like, "What?"

I was like, "I meant itin a helpful way."

And then it dawned on me,there is no courtesy horn.

There is no helpful horn.

We need a second hornthat's mellow,

that ends in a question mark,that's like...

[gently honks]Like...

[laughter and applause]

[gently honks]

It's just kind of being like,"You're cool, man.

I just want to knowif you see something."

[gently honks]

I mean,driving would be awesome.

If you were at a red light,it turns green, you just hear...

[gently honks]

I'm like, "Thanks, man."I hit--

And then I'd hitmy thank you horn...

[brief honk]and go.

Thank you, crowd.[brief honk]

And then there should beanother horn--

I'm thinking a bunch of them.

I want a whole array.

I want emotions up there.

I want another horn that says,"I'm not mad at you,

it's the personin front of you."

I feel really bad.

Like, I want to get outof the car and actually explain

to someone what's going down.

Like, I'm like...[imitates car horn]

Someone's like,"What, dude?"

I'm like,"No, we're bros."

[imitates warbling horn]"It's that guy.

Go!It's a yield sign."

[chuckles]

I travel a lotfor a living.

You can probably tell by my lasttwo jokes I'm in cars a lot.

I'm also in airports a lot.

And something happenedin the TSA

in the last ten years where--

I like that they protect us.That's fine.

I have no issueswith airport security.

It's just they got creepy.

And I'll explain.

They used to call it a pat down.

They're like,"You got to get a pat down."

I'm like, "All right.Cool."

Now what do they call it?

A male-on-male assist.

There's just something offwith that.

There's somethingthat doesn't sit right with me.

Like, they're like,"Come with me."

I'm like, "Why?"

They're like,"Male-on-male assist."

I'm like,"What's about to go down, dude?

What is that?What's happening?"

And some dude comes outthat you haven't seen yet.

He's a new guy.He's, like, a different guy.

He's the male-on-male guy.

He's like, "All right.

I'm the guy.What's up?"

He puts on gloves.

He's like, "All right,let's do this."

I'm like, "Did you just say,'Let's do this'?"

And then he rubs you.

He rubs your legs, your body,which is cool.

That's all right.It's fine.

That's not the creepy part.

The creepy part is, legally now,for some reason,

they have to ask you permissionfor every hand stroke.

Like that's gonna make itbetter?

It makes it horrifying.

They're like, "I'm about to rubthe outside of your leg.

Is that okay?"

I'm like, "Dude,don't make this my fault."

"Like, if you're gonna touch me,just do it, man.

Don't make me agree to it."

It's happened to me a few times.

I felt dirty, you know,take a hot shower.

I felt bad about myself.

My mom never raised meto be a victim.

My mom's a strong woman.

She told me to turn the tables

on peoplethat make you feel weak.

So now I make him feel weird,

because I geta little too into it.

I've done this before.

He's like, "I'm about to rubthe inside of your leg.

Is that okay?"

I'm like...

"You're goddamn rightthat's okay.

"No, you look at mewhen you do it.

"No, you look at me rightin the eye

"until you findwhat you're looking for, bud.

"Yeah, that's good.That's good.

That's nice.That's nice."

Like, don't be too over the topabout it.

Just be a little like,"No, that's good.

You're thorough.I like that."

I've done this,I've really done that,

and they don't react.

They're just like, "All right.You're good to go."

I'm like, "You knowwhat just happened."

Sometimes I liketo tickle people.

Just tickle a stranger.[laughs]

Right?

But, listen, I've tickled

thousands of peoplein my life.

And it's a good wayto meet a friend.

[laughs]"What's up?"

Like, that'show you meet a friend.

But this is the thing.

If you tickle a stranger,make sure you're smiling.

Because if you're not smiling--and this is for real--

it's consideredsexual assault.

What's that?- Is there a pause button?

- Is there a pause button?

You got to go to the bathroom?

Seriously?I'm here for 30 minutes.

You can't hold it?How old are you?

You got a fucked-up prostatealready?

Here, I'll drink thisreal fast.

You can pee in this thing.

No, no one will see it.

Someone ticklethat motherfucker.

[laughter,cheers and applause]

- Women are awesome.Women over-think men.

That's your biggest flaw.

You think about men too much.It's true.

And I know this because I'll seeyou guys at the gym,

reading Cosmo, right, to learn stuff.

And the coversare so male-centered.

So much of your literatureis so male-centered.

Forget about us.Don't worry about us.

We're idiots. Just let us go.Just have fun.

Enjoy your run at the gym.

You deserve that, you know?

'Cause every Cosmo is like,

"25 ways to blowhis mind in bed."

Well, I can think of one:bang him.

It's like, "Five things to doto his ear to blow his mind."

Or like, "What his socksays about his future."

It's all just bullshit.

And women don't know it.

They're like,"No, I'm learning."

And, like, you lookat who writes them.

It's usually--I know a lot of writers.

A lot of them are gay dudesand women.

Like, that's the perspective.

If a straight dudewrote an article for Cosmo,

it would just say, "Feed us,fuck us, stop yelling,"

blank page, blank page,blank page, blank page.

That's it.

That's all we have to say.

And we're dedicated to women.

Women always thinkthat we're not trying hard.

You ever notice that?

They're like,"He's not even trying.

I'm sad."We're trying so hard.

We just don't know.Like, we just don't know

what to do a lot of times,

'cause you're more complicatedthan we are.

You guys have sensesthat we don't.

It's like the movie Predator.

Like, they cansee other colors.

That's like women with men.

They're like,"How do you not know

that we should've leftthe party?"

I'm like, "'Cause you didn't sayyou wanted to."

I'm like, "You saidyou were having fun."

She was like, "Yeah, but Iwas like, 'I'm having fun.'"

I'm like,"What does that mean?

No one knows what that means."

All my married friends, myfemale friends that are friends

with my buddies, they're alwayslike, "How do I train him?

"How do I get himto do what I want?

He's such a free spirit."

I'm like, "It's easy.

"He wants to make you happy.

Just be excited about it.Don't yell at him."

We're dogs.Dudes are dogs.

Throw the ball.You ever watch football?

What do you think we are?That's it, throw the ball, run.

We are such dogsthat we will watch other people

play "throw the ball."

Like, "Throw the ball.Oh, you got the ball?

Yeah!Throw the ball."

Like, that's--we're idiots.

Right?

If you guys want to train a guy,don't yell at us.

Women are always yelling at us."Take out the garbage!"

It's like, then, when you leave,we'll pee on the bed, right?

Like, we're dogs.

You want to get us to do it,be excited about it.

Be like, "Who wantsto take out the garbage?"

Like, I'd be like,"What?"

She'd be like,"You're good at the garbage."

I'm like, "I'm good at this?No freakin' way.

Look at this.I'm good at this."

'Cause we're just madeto make you happy.

From the time we're babiestill we die,

we're programmedto make women happy.

That's why we're here.

We're horny, we're hungry,and we're here for you.

That's what our deal is.

Walk behind peoplewhen they hike.

That's when they'rethe most vulnerable.

When a group of womenare hiking, it's intense.

It's an intense--women haveintense friendships.

They talk about real stuff,and it's really intense.

Be like,"You know, I love Tony.

"I, like, love him.I know I love him.

"But I don't know if we havea future together.

"And my mom has been spiting meever since I got a promotion.

"I know she loves me.She gave me a great childhood.

But I'm living out a dreamI thought she might've had."

You walk behind guys,they're like,

"Dude, how greatare pancakes?

Bro, I could potentially bonea pancake."

if you guys wantto hear that story.

Good story.[cheers and applause]

Thank you.

I have a million of these.

I was in Montana,doing a show.

I love Montana.Big sky country, you know.

It's beautiful up there.And it's all these cowboys.

Good times.I'm partying with the cowboys.

And it's just a seaof cowboys.

And I'm a giant.You guys can't tell,

'cause there's distance,and I'm proportional.

But I'm 6'7".Seven.

It's, like, 1 in 10,000 peopleare that tall.

I'm gigantic.I'm 240 pounds.

Look at this.Look at that.

See that?See that?

Fucking heat, heat.

Massive human being.

So I'm huge.

I guarantee--you guys in thecrowd are like, "You're not--"

I swear to God,if you stood next to--

it's insane how big I am.

And that's part of the story.

So I'm doing this show.

Afterwards,I'm around a sea of cowboys.

And it's really awkwardfor me

when heroic menare very, very short to me.

Like, I, you know--give it upfor the military, by the way.

I've done military,USO shows.

You know, these heroes,firemen, cops,

these people that are betterthan me as men.

Like, a cowboy's clearlya better man than me, right?

And they're just like,"Great show, man."

So I nervously start makingjokes out of it.

I'm like,"Hey, little buddies."

And then I startdoing jokes.

I'm like, "I'm Gargamel!You're my Smurfs!"

You know, I'm like,"Grr! Where's my Smurfs?"

And I'm chasingthese little bastards around.

And I'm making more jokes.

I'm just like, "I'm Gulliver.

Where's your leader?"You know?

And they're laughing, 'causethey're fu--they're awesome.

And then we start drinkingreal hard,

'cause I can drinkpretty hard.

And I'm a really fun drunk.

I'm not oneof those weird drunks.

I get so happy that I,

like, try to high-five the moonand fall down.

Like, I'm that guy."We're gonna live forever."

You know, just, like--

And so I'm still aroundall these little people.

And I just am sticking out.

But they're so friendly to me,and they're having fun,

so I feel safe.

So I start developinga character.

You know, I'm an actor.I'm like, "All right.

What am I?"I'm like, "I'm a bear."

You know?

So I'm, like,looking at the Montana moon.

I'm like, "I'm a big bear.You're my cubs."

You know, and I'm just like--

So I get more and moreinto this character.

I'm like, "I'm scratchingmy back on a big oak tree.

Where's the salmon?"You know, I'm pulling salmon,

like, fake salmon out of a riverin a bar that doesn't exist.

And it keeps gettingmore and more crazy

until I'm just hugging people.

Not tickling, hugging.

And I'm like, "Bear hug.I love you."

And then finallyone of the cowboys is like,

"You got to calm it down,big bear."

I'm like, "Why?"He's like,

"You're gettinga little crazy out there."

And so I'm like, "All right."

And then I finally just go,

"The big beardoesn't calm down."

And I just break a table.

And all of a sudden,I just feel crazy burning.

And a dude just sprays mewith bear mace.

Like, legit--not mace,bear mace.

And so I just cave.And the next day on Facebook,

he sends me a message, "Sorryabout macing you. Ha, ha."

[laughter]

about the "ha, ha."

This is what I loveabout a "ha, ha."

You can say anything,and if you end it with "ha, ha,"

no one gets mad at you.Have you ever noticed that?

That's why it's so greatwith women.

A girl can be like,"What are you doing tonight?"

I'm like,"Thinking about you.

Ha, ha."And she's like, "Ha, ha."

I'm like, "Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha."And it's on.

You're just putting some spicein the stew, you know.

She's feeling it.You're feeling it.

But no one's really exposingwho they are yet.

Ha, ha.

You know?

And you're not really throwinganything out there.

Like, even if you'rein the friend zone with someone,

you don't knowif the girl likes you or not,

it's like--You can just be like,

"We should make out sometime.Ha, ha," just as a joke.

Look at those two.It's happened.

That--you relatedway too much to that.

"We should make out some time.Ha, ha."

'Cause you can't go wrongwith that.

A girl's either like,"Awesome. Ha, ha."

You're like, "Come over.Ha, ha."

Or she's like,"We're just friends."

I'm like, "I'm just kidding.Ha, ha.

I'm outside your window.Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha."

But if you're a man,never text me, "Hee hee."

It's weird.

Every time I get a "hee hee"from a dude,

two dicks might as well havetouched right above my phone.

I make fun of rock though too

One of my favorite bandsall-time, Pearl Jam.

Love Pearl Jam.Love Pearl Jam.

They have a song called Yellow Ledbetter.

And it touches bros' hearts.

We're like, "Oh, that song'sabout me, man.

It's a beautiful song."

And someone's like,"What's it about?"

It's like, "We have no idea.

He doesn't say any words."

Eddie Vedder has never saida word, ever,

except for maybe "daughter"in one song.

This is my impressionof Eddie Vedder

singing Yellow Ledbetter.

I'm not even exaggerating.

[singing unintelligibly]

♪ Yeah, yeah, oh, hyah

[continues singing gibberish]

There's no words.

There's no wordsin the whole song.

Music's very sexual.

It makes people horny, right?

What do you think it was likein the 18th century?

What did they listento when they hooked up?

Was it like, "Hit it."

[up-tempo classical music]

"Yeah, Beatrice, that's hot.That's good.

"Take that bonnet off.Yeah, take that bonnet off.

"Art thou horny?Art thou horny?

Yeah, suck it.That's good."

"I have cometh."

And you touch their cheek.

- I wrote this song.

It's called Every Relationship I've Ever Been In.

[sad music]

♪ Why are you mad?

♪ What did I do?

♪ Why won't you talk to me?

♪ How can I know

♪ If you don't tell me?

♪ Why are you so mad at me?

♪ We just woke up

♪ Like, ten minutes ago

♪ I can't think of one thing

♪ I could have possibly donebetween now and then ♪

♪ Was it another dream you had

♪ About me doing something badin the dream? ♪

'Cause if you're seriously madat me for that, you're crazy!

[chuckles]

[cheers and applause]

Thank you.

This song is another song.

It's called Text Message Love Story.

- Yeah!- Thank you, sweetie.

♪ I never knew you liked me

♪ I never thoughtyou cared ♪

♪ I was gonna touch you,but I was scared ♪

♪ I thoughtthat we were just friends ♪

♪ I thought that was the case

♪ Until you texted me

♪ A wink-y face

♪ And I said, "Ha, ha"

♪ And you said,"Hee, hee, hee" ♪

♪ I said, "Come overand make out with me" ♪

♪ "Ha, ha, hee, hee"

♪ 'Cause the smiley facemeans you're happy ♪

♪ The frown-y means you're sad

♪ Blushy facemeans you're blushing ♪

♪ But the wink-y facemeans you're glad ♪

♪ You're glad to seemy wiener ♪

♪ You're just winkingat my wiener, yeah ♪

♪ Wink-y, wink-y, wink-y

♪ At my dick-y, dick-y, dick-y

♪ Sucky, sucky,fuck-y, wink-y ♪

♪ Sucky, wink-y, fuck-y,wink-y ♪

♪ Suck it and fuck itand suck it ♪

♪ And fuck it and suck it

I don't knowhow to end the song.

I just kind of go off the railsa little bit.

This song is called Drunken Dilemma.

♪ I'm tired

♪ But I'm also hungry

♪ Should I eat,or should I sleep? ♪

♪ Should I eat,or should I sleep? ♪

♪ Should I eat,or should I sleep? ♪

♪ Should I eat,or should I sleep? ♪

♪ I know what I'm gonna do

♪ I'm just gonna masturbate

[cheers and applause]

Thank you.

I think the big fights

in a relationship

are usually the guy's fault,

and the little onesare the woman's fault.

And I think in the endthey kind of add up,

because the big ones,like, once a year, is big.

And then the thousand a yearthat are small

are because of the women.

And I figured out why.

You know, I think womenare almost

like the emotional healthinspectors in a relationship.

Like, they have a lookwhere something might be wrong,

even if nothing's wrong.

I call it "Soap Opera Eyes."They go...

[ominous music]

Like, that's it.And it's on.

They're like, "What's up?What's going on?"

And even if nothing's wrong,they will start some stuff.

Men, this music's in their headtheir entire life.

[upbeat music]

"Just touch it.Just touch my wiener.

"I'm hungry.I will do anything for you.

"I would literally give youhalf my income for the rest

of my life if you just touchmy dick right now,

because that's all I givea shit about."

This is a fight between a manand a woman wh--

All right, I'll give youan example of a big fight.

I'll give you guys examples,big fight.

I was living with a girl once.

She was like, "Owen, we needto talk about last night."

I was like, "What happened?"I was kind of hammered.

She was like, "You came homesaying you were a big bear

looking for a pot of honey, andyou peed on my mom's computer."

This is a true story.

Yeah, horrifying.I felt really bad about that.

[chuckles]

But the vast majority of fightsare started by women.

They'll just start a fight.They'll be like,

"Owen, are you hungry?"I'm like, "No."

She'll be like,"Where did you eat?"

[ominous music]

I'm like, "What's wrong?"She's like, "Where did you eat?"

I'm like, "I ate at Wendy's."She's like, "Wendy's.

[nervous laughter]Who the hell is Wendy?"

And I'm like, "What?"

This is a fight between a manand a woman

with theirappropriate soundtracks.

A guy comes home.[upbeat music]

"Hey, baby.How was your day?"

"How was my day?[ominous music]

"Well, the factyou just asked me that

"means you didn't even checkmy Facebook account.

"That means you don'teven care about me.

"Someone who doesn't checksomeone's Facebook account

"means they don't careabout them.

"'Cause I saidI'm having a bad day

and I did not get one commentof encouragement from you."

[upbeat music]"I'm sorry, baby.

"I didn't have Wi-Fiwhere I was.

"Let's go out.Let's have some fun tonight.

Let's get drunk."

"Oh, the big bearwants to drink.

[dramatic music]"That's a big surprise.

"Oh, the big bearis gonna get drunk.

Maybe you'll pee on methis time, you idiot."

[upbeat music]"No, no, that was,

"like, five years ago.

"I don't want to talkabout that anymore.

"Let's have sex.You're so hot.

I want to have sexwith you so bad."

"Yeah, your dick's gonna solveall my problems.

[dramatic music]"You and your nine dicks.

"You're an idiot.And your friends are dumb too.

You're all stupid."

[upbeat music]"I don't want to have sex.

"No.What's gonna make you happy?

"Let's just sit on the couch.Let's watch WALL-E.

Let's watch WALL-E again."

[crying] "You don't wantto have sex with me.

[dramatic music]

"Why don't you wantto touch me anymore?

You used to want me--used towanna fuck me all the time."

[upbeat music]"I just said I did!

I just did."

And then that'swhen they turn it on you.

"Why are you yelling?"[dramatic music]

Thank you.[cheers and applause]

So tonight, I'm not gonna closeas a comedian.

I've sweated for you people.

And I've written these jokesfor years now

to make sure you hada good time.

But now we're not gonnaclose for you.

We're gonna close for me.

You're gonna give methe feeling

that I'm in a stadium,and I'm Journey.

So what I'm gonna do is,I'm gonna play you guys

a power ballad I wrote.

It's called Feel My Heat Deep Inside of You.

[laughter]

Those are the only words.

It's "Feel my heat, feel my heatdeep inside you.

Feel my heat."That's it.

So once you get the cadence,

I need you allto sing along to it.

So this is whatwe're gonna do.

I'm gonna start playing Feel My Heat.

And you guys are gonna loseyour shit, just freak out.

And then when I start singing,I'm talking mayhem:

tits, dicks,standing "O"s, lighters.

You give me that.

I've given you heat,you give me heat right back.

But this is the snag.

We're at a big show, and you'rehere to see Feel My Heat.

And I just played an entire newalbum that you guys didn't like.

So you're not gonna make onepeep, not one clap until I say

the word, "feel my heat."

We're gonna build that tension,

then you're gonna give mewhat I need.

And if it's not right,we start over,

'cause I know what I deserve.

You know what I mean?

Thank you in advance.

But make sure you don't clapuntil you hear "feel my heat."

Thank you allfor coming out tonight.

[cheers and applause]No. That--this is--

You don't likethe new album.

I respect it, though.I respect your enthusiasm.

But when I say "feel my heat,"lose it.

When I start playing it,lose it.

When I start singing it,new level.

And then you sing along.

You know what to give me.

Here we go.

Thank you all for coming outtonight.

You know, the new album--- Play Feel My Heat!

[laughter and applause]

- You know what,we've heard that a lot tonight.

That's, like, the 80th timewe've heard that,

because our new songsall suck.

And you're absolutely right,my man.

If we can go back in timejust once.

It's a little songthat you may remember

that I know you all need.

And I'm here to give the peopleexactly what they need.

It's called Feel My Heat.

[cheers and applause]

[pop music]

Why the fuckare you not clapping?

No, we start over now.

The whole crowd gives me heat.

You don't think I can feelyour lack of heat?

Thanks for coming out tonight.

You know, it's beena wonderful night here.

And the new albummight need a little work.

- Play it!

- I think every man, woman,and child in this crowd knows

exactly what that young man'stalking about

when he says, "it."

He's talking about a little songyou may remember

from back in the day.

It's called Feel My Heat.

[cheers and applause]

[pop music]

♪ Feel my heat

[cheers and applause]

♪ Feel my heat

♪ Deep inside you

♪ Feel my heat

Sing it if you know the words.

♪ Feel my heat

♪ Feel my heat

Austin, what do youwant me to feel?

You knowwhat you want me to feel.

Here we go.Let's do it again. Ready?

♪ Feel my heat

all: ♪ Feel my heat

- ♪ Deep inside you

♪ Feel my heat

Thank you, guys!

I'm Owen Benjamin.

I love being a comedian causeI've had some amazingadventures.

I used to open forJulio Iglesias.

Is there any Hispanicpeople in the crowd?

Nice.

Nice.

I love Hispanic culture--so warm, so warm.

You guys hug and kiss a lot.

It's true.

You guys hug-- oh, hola.

Like at first, like when I firstdid Miami, I like, did comedy.

And then afterwardI, I'd be like, dude,

I think your grandma'strying to fuck me.

They're like, no, that'sjust what they do.

I'm like, oh, cool.

Is it cool if, if Ibang your grandma?

She's hot.

Because Latin womenstay hot, too.

They're just fucking movingand grooving, you know?

And I opened for Julio, andJulio's a very interesting man.

He's a unbelievable humanbeing in what he did.

You know, he'sone of the highest

selling artists in history.

He sings in likeseven languages.

He's a legend.

And someone was like, why do youhave a comedian open for you?

I used to open for this dude.

It'd be like 5,000 70 year oldMexican women and me-- hola,

you know?

And they're there to hearmusic, and I'm doing stand up.

And someone was like, why doyou have him open for you?

He goes, quote unquote,I like to make them

laugh before theywant to make love.

And then he just staresat you, and like a dove

flies out of his hand, you know?

And then he just touchesyour cheek, just.

Sex is awesome.

That's why we'reall here, right?

I, uh, I was watching thisspecial on the Discovery

Channel called "TheFemale Orgasm."

Blew my mind.

Apparently, you guys can come.

No, I'm just kidding.

It's a joke.

Ah.

They took-- these scientiststook women and men, put them

in CAT scan machines,and CAT scanned

their brains whilethey had orgasms.

And what they found waswhen a woman had an orgasm,

a huge amount of her brainwas activated like her past,

her future, "The Vow," "TheNotebook"-- it's all popping.

You know, the Christmas-- it'sjust, her brain was Christmas.

When a man has anorgasm, it's one

dot in his addiction center.

Boom!

Ah!

I'm a bear!

A lot of friends thatare women who call me,

talk to me about stuff like,oh my god, my boyfriend

just gave me an orgasm.

I'm like, my battery'sabout to die.

No, I'm just kidding.

I'm like, you guyshave been dating

months, what tookso long, you know?

This girl was like,he found my spot.

Ah, like a dove flewout of her mouth

and Cold Play started playing.

Like it was a moment.

And I startedthinking about spots.

It's so much easier for awoman to find a man's spot.

Where's a man spot?

His dick, right?

The whole thing's a spot.

You can't go wrong.

The whole dick is a spot.

That's why we love them so much.

They're perfectly crafted.

It's almost like itwas made by Steve Jobs.

It's like an iDick.

Like, pick a spot.

Yell at it.

Punch it.

We're just happier here,you know what I mean?

And every dick's the same.

It's all just, it's like madein one dick factory in China.

Just dick, dick,dick-- grab one.

Women.

It's different.

Every vagina'shandcrafted, right?

Ha, ha, ha, it's alittle vagina snowflake.

Ha, ha, ha.

And they're all different.

You can't get comfortable.

You have to figure it out.

Like it's a-- a video gameand you're a kid again, right?

You go down on a girl, you'relike, baby, I got this.

Is it up, down, left,right, up, down, left,

right, B, A, B, A, suck, start?

Left, right, left, right, up,down, up, down, left, right,

left, right, left, right,left, right, uh, A, A, A, A, A.

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