Tuesday, September 2, 2014

  • 09/02/2014

David Koechner, Nicole Byer and Jon Daly learn about a suspicious new security system for the cloud, list #BadMeritBadges and write reviews for a mayonnaise museum in Japan.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I JUST HAVE TO SAY, THIS ISREALLY [BEEP] UP, WHAT HAPPENED

THIS WEEKEND.

THE FBI IS INVESTIGATING ASUSPECTED HACKING THAT LEAD TO

PRIVATE NUDE PHOTOS OFACTRESSES SUCH AS JENNIFER

LAWRENCE AND KATE UPTON BEINGPOSTED THE INTERNET THIS

WEEKEND -- IS SUCH BULL [BLEEP]

THIS IS WHY WE CAN'T HAVE NICETHINGS, INTERNET!

REDDIT HAS STARTED CALLING THESCANDAL THE FAPPENING.

WHICH IS AN ADORABLY FUN NAMEFOR "SEX CRIME."

NOW, WE'RE ALL WONDERING WHO'SBEHIND THIS, BTU DON'T WORRY,

CNN'S TECH DESK HAS IT ALLFIGURED OUT.

>> DO WE EVEN KNOW, WHO IS THIS4CHAN PERSON OR WEBSITE?

>> HE MAY HAVE BEEN JUST ASYSTEM ADMINISTRATOR WHO KNEW

HIS WAY AROUND AND HOW TO HACKTHINGS.

>> CHRIS: WHO IS THIS 4CHANPERSON ANYWAYS!

IS HE FRIENDS WITH THAT REDDITGUY?

THE ONE WITH THE ANTENNA ON HISHEAD.

BY THE WAY I'M STOPPING BY THESTORE LATER, SHOULD I -- SHOULD

I PICK UP ANY SNACKS FOR THELEMON PARTY TONIGHT?

I GOT LOUD, I'M SORRY.COMEDIANS, PLEASE GIVE ME

ANOTHER QUESTION POSED BY CNN'STECH EXPERT.

DAVID KOECHNER, GO.

>> MY SON SIGNS HIS E-MAILSC U NEXT TUESDAY, WTF.

DOES THAT MEAN HE'S GOING TO SEEME NEXT TUESDAY OR WEDNESDAY,

THURSDAY, FRIDAY?

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

POINTS. WELL PLAYED.

JON.

>> IF I DON'T HAVE ANY FLOUR ORBUTTER HOW DO I ENABLE COOKIES.

[LAUGHING]

>> CHRIS: UH, I'VE HAD TOO MANYCOOKIES. I BETTER GO EMPTY THE

CACHE.

POINTS FOR JON DALY.

THE LEAK INSPIRED BY THE WAYINSPIRED THE HASHTAG

#IFMYPHONEGOTHACKED, WHERE USERSPOSTED THEIR MOST INTIMATE

PHOTOS, LIKE THIS ONE FROM ATDARK MEAT HOOK.

HOW DID THAT GET OUT?

HOW DID THAT GET OUT.

I DON'T MEAN THE PICTURE.

I MEAN THE CORN DOG.

COMEDIANS, WHAT EMBARRASSINGTHING WOULD YOU POST AND HASHTAG

#IFMYPHONEGOTHACKED, NICOLEBUYER?

>> ME PRACTICING FRENCH KISSINGON MUFFINS.

>> CHRIS: NICE.

POINTS.

HANG ON A SECOND.

ARE THESE REAL MUFFINS, OREUPHAMISTIC MUFFINS.

>> OH, THEY'RE REAL MUFFINS.

YOU POP THE TOP OFF AND GET INTHERE.

>> CHRIS: OKAY, OKAY OKAY. NICE.POINTS.

JON DALY.

>> STANGLE-BATING TO BINGCOMMERICIALS.

>> CHRIS: STANGLE-BATING?

>> THAT'S WHEN YOU PUT A TIE ORA BELT AROUND YOUR NECK --

>> CHRIS: I KNOW WHAT IT IS.

>> AND YOU J OFF.

YOU J OFF.

>> THEN IT'S BING AT THE SIDE.

>> CHRIS: SO NOW WE GOT TWOTERMS FROM YOU TODAY,

STRANGLE-BATING AND J OFF.

BOTH TV-FRIENDLY, GUYS.

TV FRIENDLY, JON DALY.

POINTS.

>> CHRIS: OF COURSE THE CLOUD ISTAKING HEAT FOR THE SECURITY

BREECH.

BUT IT LOOKS LIKE PEOPLE ARETRYING TO PROFIT FROM IT.

>> HEY, DON'T MIND ME. I'M UPHERE IN THE CLOUD.

YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE IS UP HERE?

A THOUSAND NAKED PICTURES OFYOU.

NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE SOMEONE ISCRANKING THEIR PORK ROD TO YOU

RIGHT NOW.

LUCKILY THERE IS A NEW CLOUD TOPROTECT YOU.

ME.

I'M DICK CLOUD.

I'LL HANG ONTO THEM FOR YOU INALL THE CLASSIC JERK

MATERIAL HIDING SPOTS.

LIKE A FOURTEEN-YEAR-OLD'SMATTRESS.

AND A PILE OF LEAVES IN THEWOODS.

AND A PILE OF LEAVES IN THEWOODS.

AND MANY MORE. SOME PLACES IWON'T TELL YOU ABOUT.

TRUST ME DICK CLOUD WITH YOURSECRETS.

AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR TONIGHT'SHASHTAG WARS.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> ON THIS DAY IN 1912 ARTHURROSE ELDRED BECAME THE FIRST

EAGLE SCOUT.

THE HIGHEST RANK YOU CAN ACHIEVEIN THE BOY SCOUTS.

IT'S PRETTY RIGOROUS -- YOU HAVETO ACQUIRE AT LEAST 21 MERIT

BADGES, INCLUDING FIRST AID,FITNESS AND LIFE-SAVING.

IN HONOR OF EAGLE SCOUTELDRIDGE, TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS

#BADMERITBADGES.

EXAMPLES ARE -- [LAUGHING]

EXAMPLES ARE COUNTERFEITING,KNIFE FIGHTING, MIXOLOGY --

STEALTH-JERKING.

I'M PUTTING 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND GO.

DAVID KOECHNER.

>> PINEWOOD DERBY DRIVE-BY.

CHRIS: YES, JON.

>> EATING BROWNIES.

>> NICE, I LIKE THAT.

[LAUGHING]

>> CHRIS: POINTS JON DALY.NICOLE.

>> DICK SMORES.

[LAUGHING]

>> CHRIS: POINTS AND THE NEXTTIME YOU'RE IN A CROWDED ROOM,

I HOPE YOU SHOUT THAT FOR NOREASON. DAVE KOECHNER.

>> BRIDGE BURNING.

CHRIS: POINTS.

JON.

>> CLOWNING ON BITCHES.

>> CHRIS: YES.

-- OH, THAT'S THE BOYZ IN THEHOOD SCOUTS.

>> RIGHT, THANK YOU.

CHRIS: NICOLE.

>> FIVE NATURAL LUBRICANTS FOUNDIN THE FOREST.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

NICE.

YES, KOECHNER.

>> DUI, ADVANCE DUI FOR WEEDBLOWS.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

THAT'S THE END OF HASHTAG WARS.

SEND US YOUR HASHTAG#BADMERITBADGES AND TAG THEM

@MIDNIGHT TO KEEP THIS GAMEGOING.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MOREFROM @MIDNIGHT.

OUR TWEET OF THE DAY FROM LASTNIGHT'S HASHTAG WARS WAS SENT TO

US BY@JOLIEWILLIAMSON.

WELL DONE.

IT'S TIME FOR THE NEXT GAME,ABRONEMENT. ABRONEMENT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> CHRIS: WELL, SUMMER IS OVERAND TODAY WAS THE FIRST OFFICIAL

DAY BACK TO COLLEGE FOR MANYSTUDENTS.

-- ARE YOU IN COLLEGE?

>> YES.

CHRIS: YOU ARE?

UNCLE CHRIS WILL BUY YOU A BEERLADIES.

WE DELVE DEEP INTO@COLLEGEFESSION, A TWITTER FEED

WHERE COLLEGE STUDENTS ACROSSTHE COUNTRY CAN ADMIT THEIR

MOST HENIOUS BEHAVIORANONYMOUSLY AND WITHOUT

JUDGEMENT -- IT'S KIND OF LIKEAA WITHOUT THE STOPPING DRINKING

SO COMEDIANS I'M GONNA READ ONEOF THESE CONFESSIONS FOR 250

POINTS, FILL IN THE BLANK.

FIRST ONE -- I WALKED IN ON MYNEW ROOMMATE BLANK, FROM BOSTON

UNIVERSITY. DAVE KOECHNER.

>> AIRTIGHT WITH MY CORN DOG.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]>> CHRIS: POINTS.

JON DALY.

>> MASTER-WEEPING TO THE GOLDENGIRLS.

>> CHRIS: OKAY, SO YOU'VE JUSTCREATED ANOTHER WEIRD

SEXUAL TERM --

>> -- ANOTHER TERM I'VECREATED.

>> CHRIS: SO MASTER WEEPING ISCRYING WHILE JERKING OFF.

>> EXACTLY THANK YOU.

CHRIS: ALRIGHT.

>> BOO-YA.

CHRIS: LET'S SEE THE ACTUALANSWER, AND WALKED IN MY NEW

ROOMMATE WAS SHOVING MY CURLINGIRON UP HER ASS.

WHY NOT.

NEXT ONE.

THERE WAS NO TOILET PAPER IN THEFRAT HOUSE SO I BLANKED.

PENN STATE.

>> ENDED UP GOING TO CHURCHCOVERED IN [BEEP]

[ APPLAUSE ]>> CHRIS: POINTS.

LET'S SEE THE ACTUAL ANSWER.

WASHED MY VAGINA IN THE SINK.

THERE WERE OTHER PEOPLE INTHERE.

>> NOT WHAT YOU EXPECTED.

CHRIS: NEXT ONE.

WHEN I WAS HAVING SEX MY DICKWENT LIMP THEN I BLANKED AND

EVERYTHING WAS FINE. FROMEMPORIA STATE UNIVERSITY.

DAVID KOECHNER.

>> WHEN I WAS HAVING SEX MY DICKWENT LIMP.

THEN I CRIED FOR 20 MINUTES, SHELEFT AND EVERYTHING WAS FINE.

BEFORE THE BREAK I REGAILEDYOU WITH TALES OF TOKYO'S

MAYONNAISE MUSEUM.

THAT'S A REAL PLACE THAT EXISTSIN THE WORLD --

AND I ASKED FOR TO YOU WRITE AREVIEW FOR TRIP ADVISOR. LET'S

SEE WHAT YOU WROTE! JOHNATHANDALY!

>> I'M ALLERGIC TO MOSTNON- ORGANIC LUBES SO [BLEEP] MY

BONE DRY WIFE IS A CHOSE.THANKS MAYONNAISE MUSEUM.

5 STARS.

>> CHRIS: OKAY.

THAT IS THE MOST ROTTEN ANSWERWE'VE EVER --

>> ROTTEN! COME ON IT'S FRESH.

CHRIS: A FRESH ANSWER. I'M SODISTURBED.

>> I THINK YOU LIKED IT A LITTLETOO MUCH.

>> CHRIS: I DID. THAT'S THEPROBLEM.

>> ALSO THINKING OF LADIESFIRST.

>> THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

>> ALWAYS.

CHRIS: QUEEN LATIFAH YES, LADIESFIRST.

>> OH, QUEEN LATIFAH, YOU LIKETHEM DARK.

>> SOMETIMES BABY, WHY NOT.

CHRIS: NICOLE BUYER, GO.

>> WHAT THIS [BEEP] ISN'T INAMERICA.

WE EAT IT THAT STUFF LIKERUSSIANS DRINK VODKA, JEWS EAT

MATZO AND EVERYONE EATS FRIEDCHICKEN BECAUSE THAT [BEEP]

DELICISOUS.

MAKE NO SENSE.

GET YOUR [BEEP] TOGETHER JAPAN.

ZERO STARS.

>> CHRIS: ALRIGHT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]>> CHRIS: DAVID.

>> HERE IS MY REVIEW.

I ASKED FOR THIS MUSEUM ON THESIDE.

IT CAME SLATHERED ALL OVER --[LAUGHING]

>> -- IT CAME SLATHERED ALL OVEROUR VACATION.

WE ENDED UP SCRAPING MOST OF THEMUSEUM OFF WITH A KNIFE.

WE JUMP TO THE NEXT GAME CRINGEWORTHY, BACK TO SCHOOL EDITION.

>> CHRIS: A REDDITOR WHO'SBECOME LEGENDARY AROUND THESE

PARTS NAMED BOX OF KANGAROOSASKED OTHER MEMBERS OF THE

COMMUNITY TO MAKE HIM CRINGEUSING ONLY THREE WORDS.

SO WE TURNED IT INTO A GAME. BUTTHIS IS THE FIRST WEEK OF SCHOOL

FOR MOST OF THE COUNTRY, SO IWANT YOU TO GIVE ME YOUR THREE

SCHOOL-RELATED WORDS TO MAKE USCRINGE.

60 SECONDS ON THE CLOCK AND GO.

KOECHNER.

>> ERECT GYM TEACHER.

CHRIS: POINTS. POINTS.

NICOLE.

>> GYM CLASS QUEEF.

CHRIS: YES. THAT'S WHY THE GYMTEACHER GOT ERECT. JON DALY.

>> LUNCH LADY LABIA.

[LAUGHING]>> POINTS.

>> ALWAYS THINKING OF THELADIES.

>> CHRIS: POINTS. KOECHNER.

>> SHORT BUS ORGY.

CHRIS: POINTS.

GOD DAMN IT. NICOLE.

>> LIBRARIAN BOOB SWEATS.

CHRIS: POINTS. YEAH. POINTS.

JON DALY.

>> SECRET STALL SESSION.

CHRIS: POINTS. DAVID KOECHNER.

>> MAYONNAISE MUSEUM VISIT.

CHRIS: POINTS.

NICOLE.

>> S.A.T. TAINT RASH.

CHRIS: POINTS. JUST FROM SITTINGIN THE SEAT ALL DAY TAKING THE

TEST. YEAH, POINTS. JON.

>> HOMEROOM BONER SHARK.